Stand Up?

February 5th, 2012

Откъде да купя иконаХудожникThere is so much I want to finally get done this year;

Have another wrestling match
Pick one of my 14 ideas and finally write that screenplay
Get my tome of material online for the masses
Do Stand up.

Wait….Stand up?

The most obvious, easiest bullshit in LA?

I almost have enough material I feel good about that I may by joe try it!

This is my bugaboo (But no Sidekick 2)

I have no qualms about writing sketch or performing in it. Somehow stand up is a can of worms I am terrified of. No reason behind it. I feel like it’s just like horror movies when I was 10. I didn’t get it, but I knew it was scary!

Anyways, I always in my OCD way wanted to have a full 7 minutes I believed in before venturing forward. I am nearly there. God bless us all.


Top 30 Games?

November 23rd, 2011

БогородицаIt has come to my attention that someone put out there into the interwebs his thoughts on the top 30 board games currently out there. Here is his list and my thoughts on such…

If I may;

30) Tikal

Just thought it was ok

29) Maori

Never Played it

28) Alhambra

Just thought it was ok

27) Zooloretto

Never Played it

26) Acquire

This is a modern classic. I suck at this game but know that it is fantastic

25) Race for the Galaxy

Really good 2 player game. Reminds me alot of San Juan, but with a sci-fi bend to it.

24) San Juan

As mentioned a moment ago, really good game with more in depth strategy than one might see at first glace. It’s Puerto Rico with cards.

23) Jambo

I swear I’ve played it, I remember the box art with the green statue. But no, do not remember gameplay.

22) Diplomacy

This game should be surnamed; ‘How I lost all my friends’. Great meta game, but be prepared to commit an entire day to it if you are going to do it right.

21) Agricola

Do not know of this one

20) Power Grid

I know of others who really like this game, although I have not tried it. Perhaps next Jerkcon???

19) Glen More

Speaking of Jerkcon, this was one I wanted to try, or maybe others wanted to try and I was not interested. Hmm, now I forget. Anyways I am aware of this game but have not taken the plunge yet.

18) Puerto Rico

This game whups a llama’s ass. Multiplayer Chess for those with great thinking man’s brains. Take your situation and make it work. No game does it better, sans 1830. I do remember someone not liking it because, in his words, ‘I have a hard time making a game out of slavery’. And if you dig deep into what is going on in the game, he is correct. That being said, still a great game.

17) Lost Cities

I liked this game the first few times I played it. After that, the gameplay started wearing thin. Think about playing the standard 52 card deck game of ‘Speed’. Now play it a bunch of times with extra rules and with a special deck. After a bit the gameplay wears sadly thin.

16) Samurai

I have never heard of this game.

15) Vikings

Again, much like Sgt.Shultz, I know nothing.

14) Orient Express

Out of print, never made my grid.

13) Battle Line

If this game is what I think it is, it looked cool. I have not played but have looked upon others playing and thought, ‘I’d get in on that’.

12) Thurn and Taxis

Honestly, maybe it’s the straightforward presentation, but this game has never done much for me. Maybe I prefer games with a little more flash.

11) Small World

I have no idea what he is talking about. I know games a bit, and his choices make me remember that there is a whole world out there to discover.

10) Tigris & Euphrates

I know of this game, but nothing jumped out at me like ‘I have to play this NOW!’ I let it pass, glad to know it’s something I should go back and visit though.

9) Pandemic

I have played this one. It’s not that good. Sorry, it’s a Top Ten choice. But that being said it is one of those hopeless situations that is very hard to win that forms the world of ‘co-op game’ which basically consists of everyone agreeing what someone should do and if they fail to meet group think, they are called a moron. I played it with perhaps too many expansions but we had an impossible time of keeping the virus to one continent and then a worse time of solving it before it grew too big to contain. I would pass on this experience again.
8) Jaipur

I am aware of it, have not tried it. I’ll put it on the list.

7) Stone Age

I have seen others playing it, was not compelled. Looked like a human version of Tyranno Ex, which was underwhelming.

6) Dominion

This game is amazing. You know it’s good because all the games of this generation rip it off. I lump all of the expansions in with it, and only know it as a go to when it comes to a deck building card type game. It is really that good, check it out, also I suck at it.

5) Settlers of Catan

How this is not #1 astounds me. It’s the German version of Monopoly, except that this game is actually good and can be finished in less than 90 minutes. All the hype is true, if you do not know this game then I suggest you know it…soon.

4) Dominion: Intrigue

I love Dominion, as stated earlier. Is this better? Seems odd, but go for it, I can only assume these adds are good.

3) Ticket to Ride

I actually like this game alot. Have not tried expansions. Why would I? The original has so much going for it! Build railways, co-opt your friends, build your line first. It’s just a nice family type game!

2) 7 Wonders

This was the ‘It’ game this year. I played it roughly 7 billion times and every time I did it was by my suggestion, not due to duty. I just love this multiplayer game and suggest it to anyone who enjoys board games. It’s really that good and changes every time you play it.

1) Carcassonne

I did rank 4th place at the World Boardgaming Championships in this game one year. So perhaps I am jaded. But this game really is wonderful. A different experience every time you play, it is the ultimate is ‘Making best with what you got’ styles of gaming. I own it. You should too. I’d put it 5th though, behind Dominion, 7 Wonders, Settlers of Catan, and Up Front.

Games omissions making me sad;

Up Front (Clearly dude has never played)





Apples to Apples (Still great yet pushed aside)

Anyways, this is what to make of said list. Hope it helps!



October 29th, 2011

Ok, so to preface this post, I work for Games Workshop.

Yes sir, kinda awesome. Moving on…

I had the pleasure of competing this week in the Staff Only Throne of Skulls Tourney at Warhammer World: USA, in Memphis, TN.

I brought with me the glory of the SPACE PIGS!

Well, officially I used the Space Wolf Codex and replaced the word ‘Wolf’ with ‘Pig’. The results were awesome.

The Space Pigs finished 1-0-2 in the tourney, and thanks to at least 2 of my opponents naming me their favorite opponent (Extra points) I won the award as BEST SPACE WOLF PLAYER. Kinda cool.

Anyways, I thought I might just toss up my army list, which is pig themed, to the interwebs at large so that I might get flamed for being ‘non-optimal’. I say that if you do things the right way in the right spirit, you always should prevail, and when you do, it makes everything much sweeter.

Swinus Hogborn (Canis Wolfborn)
Hogrisian Pig (Fenrisian Wolf)
195 points

Loan Pig (Lone Wolf)
Thunder Hammer
50 points

Bacon Scouts (Wolf Scouts)
5x Melta Bombs
Flamer (Cause they are Bacon. Get it…Bake’n?)
Power Weapon
120 points


Mudd Hunters (Grey Hunters)
6 Marines
Power Fist
Razorback (Of course)
Extra Armor
Twin Lascannon
210 points

Mudd Hunters (Grey Hunters)
6 Marines
Power Fist
Razorback (Of course)
Extra Armor
Twin Lascannon
210 points

Mudd Hunters (Grey Hunters)
6 Marines
Power Fist
Razorback (Of course)
Extra Armor
Lascannon + Twin Plasma
210 points

Fast Attack:

Thunderpig Cavalry (Thunderwolf Cavalry)
5 Thunderpig Cavalry
Thunder Hammer
280 points

Heavy Support:

85 points

Long Tusks (Long Fangs)
5 Missile Launchers
140 points

TOTAL: 1500 points

I do not think I forgot anything.

folks in my store told me that I was dumb for not running 3 squads of Long Fangs. I thought they were dumb for spamming 3 of the same heavy support. I personally have a belief when it comes to 40k; Unless it is totally for story purposes, you should not run more than 1 of anything that is not troops. To do so makes you lame.

And on that same note, 2 other Space Wolf players that I saw both ran 3 squads of Long Fangs. In my head I made fun of them for being killjoys. Note that despite the fact that both of them finished with better overall records than me…I took home the plaque because people appreciate it when you play the game THE RIGHT WAY.

Enough soapboxing, I just wanted to share the list for the AWARD WINNING SPACE PIGS!!!



September 28th, 2011

Well, so much for thinking that my late night, drunken stream of consciousness ramblings would just ‘Turn out’ coherent and poetic. They can’t all be gems. So anywho, thank you to those who reached out, everything is fine.

Now, if I can just get this stupid Oregon number to stop calling me! ‘Hi, it’s Tom from Home Securities!’ I want to answer, ‘You’re going to need Home Security if you keep calling me, Tom.’


New horizons

September 26th, 2011

Hello Neighbors!

Ok, I’m a little revved up from watching Epic Rap Battles of History #13; Mr. T VS. Mr. Rogers.

That S was AWESOME. I will wait for you to go watch it for yourself, because the ERB are awesome and you should quite frankly be aware of their existence.

And so we begin…

I’m weirdly unhappy right now. Also I appreciate that only the Inner Circle of the Inner Circle actually read this mess.

My Detroit Lions are 3-0, and looking DOMINANT! Now that expectations are high I feel less joy from every victory. I am weird.

My store just posted the biggest level of growth in history! Well, that being said I have one full week to go but I have already dominated last year’s September so every dollar going forward is total profit!!!

Why the F am I in a funk???

Folks, I respect that the lady of the house does not read this because;

She has turned a sour note on me for a little while now.

I feel like more words are welcome here, but feel awkward typing them. I try my best to be positive in all things and present life in the most dynamic, awesome way possible!

Sometimes your audience does not receive.

We shall see what the upcoming weeks shall bring.

I hope they bring ultimate joy.

This may not pass.

A wise man once said, “Who can pierce the veil of the universe?”

The era of good times might be at it’s end.

Only The Shadow Knows.

Updates to follow.


The Famed Shark Jesus Sketch

August 31st, 2011

иконографияOk, here is one that never went anywhere, and still apparently lives on today as a monument to my own personal failings as a writer. I still believe in this sketch, and people (Read: Today) (Read further: Melissa) still bring this up to me. And I am still reticent to let this one go. You be the judge;

Shark Jesus
By: Ray Stakenas

So by my current projections, this zoo will be going under and closing its doors for good within 6 months.

6 months? This is terrible, I’ve been working here for 20 years!

I just feel for the animals, those tender, nubile creatures.

Yes, it would take a miracle to save our zoo, I mean we are talking act of God stuff here.

(Gordon enters)

Guys, a miracle just happened!

Look, unless a panda just won the powerball it doesn’t matter.

Seriously Gordon, this zoo will be bankrupt by winter, none of us are in the mood for another one of your miracles.

What is it this time? Did a gibbon pee the face of the Virgin Mary into a tree stump…again?

Ok, I know you’ve doubted me in the past. But check this one out. So we have 3 hammerhead sharks, all female, in our tanks here. Now they have not been around a male shark for over 3 years. This morning, there was a baby shark swimming around the tank!

Wow, a virgin shark birth. I’ve never heard of that before.

Wait, So no shark males were anywhere near the tank?

Trevor: (Looking nervous)
It must be that miracle we were looking for.

It could be the event we were looking for to save our zoo!

Are you sure this baby is 100% shark? Just askin’, no human features or anything?

Of course it’s 100% shark, why would you ask that?

No reason, nevermind.

Anyways, I don’t think I need to explain what all this means….

That sharks are one of many creatures on this planet who have learned to reproduce asexually, and now we have proof?

That is one way to look at it, but I choose not to. No, I believe it obviously means that we are witnesses to the virgin birth of Shark Jesus.

Wait, what?

It is my belief that Shark God sent down his one begotten Shark Son to try and save the Shark People from eternal damnation in Shark Hell.

Ok, that’s retarded.

Hold on Zach, he’s on to something. If we market our zoo as home to ‘Shark Jesus, the miracle baby’, religious nuts from around the world will flock to us. Spending big bucks just to catch a glimpse of him.

Come on, people aren’t that stupid.

Gordon, do you still have that baking sheet with the rust Virgin Mary on it?

Sure do, paid a grand for it too!

Oh my God you’re right, this will totally save our zoo!

Hey, uh, you’re positive that Shark Jesus doesn’t have anything crazy like opposable thumbs right?

Why are you so worried about Shark Jesus being some kind of mutant hybrid?

(changing the subject) Our zoo is saved!

(Everyone has a moment of excitement, yay! Etc.)
(Assistant enters)

Gordon, There has been a terrible accident. A sting ray In the same tank just killed Shark Jesus. I’m sorry.


Well I better go update my resume.

Don’t be down everyone! Shark Jesus has been martyred! But through death he will be stronger and bigger than ever! Thus is the legend of Shark Jesus, aquatic messiah.

(Lights change, church music plays, maybe a picture of Shark Jesus is put up on the screen)

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

A simple troll

August 27th, 2011

икони на светциI got trolled on one of the many comedy sites I write for!

In this case it was a site that I goofed on Ohio State on back in early 2008!

This just happened tonight, over halfway through 2011~!


Feel free to e-mail the tard ball who trolled me;

Here is the article that I wrote an f’ing forever ago;


The trolling comment not edited at all, sorry for Ohio Public Schools;

“I do not even know how I finished up here, however I assumed this post was good. I don’t recognise who you are but certainly you’re going to a well-known blogger for those who aren’t already ;) Cheers!”

Thanks! I am going to a well known blogger for those who aren’t already! And thanks for ‘recognising’ that my post was good! Emoticon Wink!!!

On a side note put down that Keystone Lite case, and pick up a Spell/Grammer check, Buckeye Fan!!!

Already understood, but I think we can all agree that my S was hilarious, and this buffoon is a buffoon.

Well, he’s clearly an Ohio State fan, so perhaps that should be obvious…


Found the Difference

July 10th, 2011

иконографияикониI have tonight learned about a fundamental difference between myself and my girlfriend;

She will ask you questions about your religion, in order to prove you are a goof and wrong.

I will ask questions about your religion, going into it knowing you are a moron, so that I can then make fun of you.


Kid’s Dreams?

June 28th, 2011

Mom calls the wrestling school I belong to;

‘Hey, can you train my son to be a pro wrestler?’

‘Maybe, what’s his story?’

‘Well, he’s disabled. He is in a wheelchair, but he can stand up under his own power.’

‘Are you serious? What happened to him?’

‘He has Cerebal Palsy.’

‘Ummmm, no, what;s wrong with you? ::CLICK::’


June 9th, 2011

Ok, so I was thinking about getting my first tattoo.

It’s a little out there, but tell me what ya think;

It’d be a knuckle tattoo, kind like those douchebags and bikers who have ‘Love’ and ‘Hate’ on their knuckles.

Except for me the right hand would be two different words on top of each other. ‘Jerk’ and ‘Poop’

The left hand would be 2 words on top of each other, ‘Nose’ and ‘Face’

And that way I could totally use my hands to demonstrate every time I use my new catchphrase/insult ‘Jerknose Poopface’!!!!!!!111

And what makes it even better is I could then also align my hands up or down and also create the words ‘Jerkface’ and also ‘Poopnose’!!!

I mean, this may be the best idea I’ve ever had!

Melissa tells me in no uncertain terms that I should not do it.