Archive for the ‘Kids Show Round Up’ Category

My Friend Rabbit

Friday, March 13th, 2009

It’s time.

Check that…it’s WAY past time.

The next installment of Kids Show Roundup is ten times past overdue. So let’s make it happen!

I need to confess though, usually I painstakingly search out each of the kids shows I watch for this segment. Not in this case though, I just knew I was way overdue so I grabbed the first mildly interesting one I could find and slapped it on my DVR. So with that in mind, let’s let the show begin;

My Friend Rabbit. Originally aired on Wednesday, 3/11/09 at 3pm on Channel 30, ION. I have no idea what ION is.
30 min, ‘An animated series following the adventures of best friends Rabbit and Mouse. (Animated)’. Well, I guess that makes sense. Let’s fire this sucker up!!!

Well, let’s see, the animation is about on par with what you would find in a toilet paper commercial. The opening theme song is a folksy little number about doing it together, hmm, sounds like fun! Hmm, in the opening bit Rabbit and Mouse find a water hole. Rabbit runs around it a couple times while Mouse just stands there not walking around it until Rabbit helps him over. I can see already that this is a bit of a one sided relationship. I understand now why it’s not called, ‘My Friend Mouse’.

Also apparently their friends are an alligator and 4 ducklings, and a hippo, oh and an elephant. The Rabbit high fives the Alligator and I already am against this show for teaching our kids to high five. As anyone over 30 knows by now, high fives are only to be done ironically!

Mouse drops his cheese. This would not be so bad, except that he is sitting on Rabbit’s FACE when he does it. No, seriously. Mouse points out how important it is to say sorry after doing that, and I get a general uneasiness washing over me. Mouse then starts eating blueberries and tells me that we have just learned a very important lesson. Oh wait, no, he corrects himself, it was a ‘BERRY important lesson’. Ah, you win this round Mouse. The general uneasiness is quickly slipping away to terror, and we are only a minute in. There’s 2 strikes on the show, teaching kids about both high fives AND fruit puns? This should be illegal.

Rabbit and Mouse discuss the clouds and who they look like. Now Mouse sits on Rabbit’s lap, I see. A squirrel offers blueberries to the duo. She says that she wants a favor in return, because apparently she is the Godfather of the forest of woe, or something. Mouse whines about it, and Squirrel gives up and takes off, leaving the blueberries and a warning to only eat a couple. This was most likely a mistake.

The duo then starts making excuses as to why they must eat more than their fair share of blueberries. As the excuses get lamer, the pile gets smaller, and poof, no more blueberries! Rabbit and Mouse express mild concern about the situation, when Rabbit asks Mouse what they should do. Mouse’s answer? Lie! Of course! Mouse concocts a story about a bird or something, complete with impression. Rabbit teaches Mouse the error of his ways, and says that the truth would be better. Rabbit, of course, is wrong.

Our heroes go searching for more berries, and run into Alligator, while he fishes. I mean I assume he is fishing, with that stick and line reaching into the water. I do not believe that he will actually catch anything though, the sheer brutality of the spectacle of it would probably not fit in with the themes presented in the show. Alligator suggests that they find a place that has not been picked clean and look for blueberries there. Good plan, so off to some sort of island they go!

Rabbit insists that this is a good idea. He starts to swim across, when Mouse suggests that it would be tough to bring the berries back in this fashion. Rabbit agrees so off they go again to find some floating boat like contraption, or a raft or something, it was pretty vague. Off to get it back from the Gibble Goose Girls!

The device is the Pon-D-Floater. It turns out to be a loose board of some kind. The Geese remind Rabbit that they whole reason he loaned it to them, was because it was broken and had a hole in it. Wow, that is a pretty jerky thing to do! Sure, I’ll loan it to you, but only after I break it!

Mouse takes a moment to soliloquy about the state of the current situation. Because 6 minutes in, I’m already confused and demanding of a recap. Thanks Mouse!!!

You know, based on my limited knowledge of physics, I do not think a small hole would be enough to stop this board from floating. I mean, I’m no Mr. Wizard, but I am pretty sure it’d still be good. My point seems proven accurate when it is suggested and agreed that putting something ‘floaty’ over the hole. They use bark and some strange beige substance they find on a tree to fix it. Success!!!

They travel to the island, and find some blueberry trees! They start to load up the board and discuss for about the 600th time how bad they feel about eating the berries the first time, and how happy Hazel the Squirrel will be once they give her more to replace them. Um, wouldn’t she be equally happy to have her originals? Just asking. OH NOOOOO! The board starts to float away!!! Of course, watching earlier, Rabbit could just swim out and retrieve it, but I’m pretty sure it will not be solved that easily.

Rabbit tells Mouse to grab to board, Mouse instead turns to the camera and has another monologue about the current situation. Ok, really? You just gave us a recap 2 minutes ago, are kid’s attention spans really this short???

You know, Rabbit could be one of the most hilarious looking characters I’ve seen in doing this. I mean, something is terribly wrong with him, and every time I freeze frame, he just always looks like he has the most delightful form of mental retardation. I wish there was a better way to express it, but that’s it.

Rabbit thinks quick and grabs a stick to stop the board from floating away. they then use the stick to turn the board into a gondola to float down to where they need to go. Good plan!

Mouse notices a bunch of bees around, and Rabbit explains the world of pollen and flowers kinda sorta close enough. They look around for a hive when Rabbit knocks one with his stick and it falls right on the board they are floating on! This does not look good for our heroes.

Rabbit says that he is sorry and the bees are shockingly patient about the whole thing. Rabbit improbably uses the stick to put the hive back, and everyone is way cool to each other.

Making it back on time, they replace the blueberries and explain what happened. Squirrel suggests that they get some honey to eat with them. Hmm, if only there was a place to get honey, hmm. WAIT A SEC!!!

And so we finish with a picnic of bees, Rabbit, Squirrel, and Mouse eating blueberries with honey. This is not a food combination I had considered before, and hopefully will not ever again.

COMMERCIAL OASIS!
The typical fare, Barbie, Chuck-E-Cheese, Toy Cars. Hey wait, that Barbie thing was a temporary tattoo device! Aren’t they having enough trouble with the tattooed ‘My First Mistake’ Barbie they were talking about doing? Hmm, some people never learn.

Hmm, apparently this is the QUBO channel, or not, or something. I just do not know.

Back to the show!!!

Mouse is on a stump to give us some set up, Mouse is having a birthday today! He stops to pay various complements to his own reflection in the water, but knowing Mouse, of course he is. The animals are all setting up a surprise party for him. Rabbit makes a life sized statue of Mouse out of twigs and leaves. But the statue has NO TAIL! Mouse is not happy, but feigns joy. I guess Mouse has never heard of artistic license.

Mouse complains to Alligator about the statue. Alligator doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but Mouse is just freaking out about it. Alligator suggests Mouse confront Rabbit about it, I have a feeling that if it were so easy, the episode would be very short. As Mouse walks up to confront, Hippo compliments Rabbit on the statue. Mouse runs away, I think I have known many women who remind me of Mouse.

Mouse decides that the best thing to do is start up a conspiracy involving everyone but Rabbit. They concoct a plan to bring up the topic of tails to Rabbit, in hopes that he will get the hint. I have a strange feeling like he will not.

They now play a game called ‘Shakey Shakey Freeze’. I have a feeling that if I played this game it would be called ‘Shakey Shakey Barf’. Mouse dances close to his statue and Rabbit finally notices his tail. Mouse insists that there are lots of things he can do with his tail. A comment I choose to leave right there thank you very much.

Problem is Rabbit still cannot put 2 and 2 together In the end, Mouse wins this game, and they decide to go do something else. Alligator once again suggests just telling Rabbit what is up. Mouse finds this to be unacceptable, and instead uses his birthday wish to wish that Rabbit would see his ‘No-Tail’ error. I think that this is a terrible waste of a wish. Then again, I always spend my birthday alone wishing that she’d call. ::sigh::

Moving on! The statue falls over and Hippo notices that it is missing a tail and blurts it all out! Rabbit now knows and feels shame! Shame I say! Rabbit owns it right away and says that he forgot to put one on in his hurry to complete it. Mouse FLIPS OUT and starts berating Rabbit for screwing up. Hmm, for spending the whole episode worried about hurting his feelings, Mouse sure doesn’t seem to care when the green light is flashing, does he? Rabbit handles himself really well, and asks Mouse why he didn’t just say something if it was bothering him so much. Mouse does not have much of an answer. They both own it together, and remain the best of huggy friends. Awwwww.

Rabbit now makes it his mission to find a new tail. They decide to bring in everyone to this task. And now the statue has a bomb diggity tail, and everyone wins! YAY!!!

COMMERCIAL OASIS #2.

And I go use it, cause this bourbon is flowing through me.

You know, I cant believe that this show has much more time to go. Even if it does, I am not sure I want to keep going.

I do have to say that I love these commercials I see for Inventnow.org. They tell kids that they can invent anything that they want, and to keep on trying, and imagination is important. And then they suggest that they go to the website to begin inventing now…or just play games. Yay! How quickly the website sells itself short. So, go here kids and cure cancer, or if you don’t feel like doing that just hit up some Connect 4. SCORE! Those are some options I can work with!

And with that, the show is over. The very minimal closing credits act as a clever bookend to the very minimal opening credits which started the show. It is revealed that the show in Canadian, which starts to make a whole lot of sense to me now that I think about it.

Final Verdict: This is not horrible for what it is. This show is going to teach some sort of usable life lesson, even if it has to recap said lesson every 2 minutes to really hammer it home. Rabbit was truly a delight, I wish Rabbit was my friend, that guy is pretty darn cool and easygoing! Of the shows I have watched, this one did not insult my intelligence too much, and actually tried to have something to say. All in all if I had kids, I’d be cool with them watching My Friend Rabbit.

-Ray

Best kids show EVER!

Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

Words cannot fully explain the joy I felt when watching this today. It’s so vulgar, but so innocent! Brilliant!!!

-Ray

God Rocks

Friday, October 24th, 2008

It’s been a really long day today. Had a workout with my trainer, wrestling class where I worked on going over the top rope to the floor backwards, and then a shift at work.

It’s PBR time!

And what goes best with PBR?

If you said religious themed cartoon shows then you get an A!!!

God Rocks
Originally aired on Saturday, 7/26/08 at 9am on Channel 17, TBN.
This animated show teaches children Biblical lessons via the adventures of cartoon characters. (Religion).

You know, I think that this one is going to hurt as much as Bibleman did. At least Bibleman is unintentionally hilarious. Perhaps I will be as lucky this time. Let’s fire it up and get this over with…

God Rocks is apparently part of the ‘Bibletoons’ series. Didn’t know there was a Bibletoons series? Join the club Bucko!

Ok, so they are a band comprised of guys who look like they would be in a Christian rock band, and they morph into crappy looking below flash animated cartoon characters. Got it!!! So we got Chip, Gem, Splinter, and Carb. Oh my gosh seriously??? I am in awe of that set of names.

Let’s meet the band! Chip wants me to know that God has a special gift for me. Oh my, they are trying to act as rock and roll as possible, but as we all know, when you try to sound cool while talking about God, you typically just sound 3 times as lame. I mean, maybe I could take their metal attitudes seriously if they were not all wearing black ‘God Rocks’ T-shirts WITH THEIR OWN NAMES ON THE FRONT!

This talk of gifts leads us to the story of Cindi. Cindi was not able to sing, but she did have another gift she could offer. Awwww yeaaaaaaah.

Hmm, I don’t think they mean what I thought they meant. Darn Christian themed shows. I bet they are leading into a crappy cartoon.

SCORE!

Holy doodoo, this could be the cheapest, worst animation of any show I have done far, and that my friends is saying something. It’s clearly done with Flash, by someone who doesn’t know much about Flash. The characters are the same people as we saw in the live action short a moment ago, but they have all been morphed into brightly colored, um, things. I swear I am going to need to find a pic because I cannot do justice to what these things are supposed to be;

Splinter appears to be a blue monster made out of a bunch of blue stones. Kinda like that giant boulder beast that Tim Allen fought in Galaxy Quest. Except this one looks like a prototype slacker complete with a bloomin’ onion for hair, and a Shaggy from Scooby Doo beard. It should also be added that his arms do not even come close to being attached to his ‘body’. Creepy.

Gem is pink cause she’s a chick of course! She also has Phantom Limb syndrome cause her arms and legs do not exist as well. Hmm, must be cheaper to animate without having to attach the limbs I guess. Gem looks like what would happen if you took 4 hits of acid and stared at a picture of Judy Jetson.

Chip, like the others, is also missing his limbs, gotta be for cheapness sake, gotta be. Chip wear futuristic space age boots and is more of a teal colored assortment of random shapes which consist of his body. To make sure we can tell the difference between Chip and Splinter, Chip has obnoxiously red hair like the Hawaiian Punch guy. No seriously, that is the color of red hair that you normally see only on fat melancholy punk chicks who look sad on the subway.

And finally we have Carb, yeah his name is Carb. Carb is what would happen if you spilled toxic waste on the Lemonheads candy frontman. Unlike most other drummers, he wears boots instead of sneakers for some reason. He also mixes his bright yellow lemon body with bright green eyebrows. In fact having him on screen for too long is making me dizzy and nautious.

Anyways, that is the band! Let’s get to our story!

Oh, my bad, her name is Kitney, not Cindi. How silly of me to think it was something normal when she hangs out with people named Gem and Carb. In what is perhaps the creepiest thing I’ve seen yet, Kitney the female is voiced by a little boy. . .no seriously.

And as alluded, Kitney cannot sing. Her voice is too masculine. At least Kitney knows that she is horrible. Kitney is also a moron as she starts sweating and turns on a poorly placed fan. The fan proceeds to start blowing a huge stack of show fliers around. Rather than first turning off the fan so that the other 90% of fliers do not blow away, she decides that it would be best to try and retrieve the few that have blown away so far. Genius! If I were in the God Rocks band, I’d stop worrying about Kitney’s feelings at about this point in the episode.

Of course this being the cartoon world, the fan magically turned itself off and Kitney used high flying gymnastics moves to get all the papers, thusly impressing the band.

Sadly, Kitney wants to sing instead of gymnastics aka what she’s good at. Typical female.

Now some black and white guy who looks like, Holy Crap! He looks like the evil twin of Snoozy the Talking pillow from My Bedbugs!!! YES! I will cheer for him, especially cause he walks around with a bright ray gun.

Evil Snoozy shrinks a frog into well, a smaller, squarer frog. Apparently somehow it is called a ‘mini conform gun’ and it will make the band into his pawns. It is time for Evil Snoozy to tear up some stuff, so off he goes!!!

Oh I get it now, the characters look like junky piles of rocks because they ARE junky piles of rocks. Thusly, the ‘God Rocks’. Oh man I’m so smart. Wait, remind me again why exactly that makes sense?

Apparently the animated flamboyantly gay cousin of comedian Matt Champagne is the host of the rock show tonight. Huzzah!

Kitney and Gem have a moment where they discuss how Kitney isn’t special. But maybe there might be something good that she can do someday, cause of God or something. Eh, anyways, meanwhile a giant flying sharkshaped airship flies above the school where the concert is going on! And it’s Evil Snoozy on the scene!!!

Evil Snoozy, it is now revealed, is about 1/3 the size of the other characters. That and he has no aim at all because he takes a bunch of shots at the band and misses all of them. Kitney uses her powers to jump up and save the day and uses a mirror to deflect the ray gun back at Evil Snoozy, who the others refer to as a ‘Nugget’. Glad to see the spirit of Owen Hart is still alive somewhere.

Gem has something God related to say now, as Kitney’s special gift is…the way she cares about her friends. um, really? That’s it huh? Gem gets singing and she gets caring about her friends? LAME!

They then give Kitney tambourine duty as they play it out. Man, poor Kitney.

Let’s go back to live action, as the God Rocks live action team refer to Kitney’s moves as ‘Spikin’. I must not at all be cool because I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. The band now does a wrap up of what we have just seen. And dollars to doughnuts I bet ya that there will be a bible verse quoted here;

And there it is. ‘The Bible says that we should use our own gifts to help others’. No passage or chapter to look it up though, I think they made that one up.

Now they lip sync a Christian rock ballad in front of a blue screen! Well, at least they are moving their hands to imitate actually playing, I’ll give it up for that detail. Oh man, this song might actually have a chance if it was about trolls or snakes or daggers or something cool, but it is not. And it ends with a sung ‘Amen’ to really hammer it home.

It is now I realize that I’m only 11 minutes in, so I probably have 2 more cartoons to endure here. God might rock but he clearly hates me.

A bunch of townsfolk stand in front of an appliance store watching the local news on the TV’s in the window. I thought that just happened in musicals set in the 1950′s or before? Hmm.

Anyways, some natural disaster happened to an island nation, and many rocks were left homeless. Is this a Katrina reset? Maybe, in any case people are requested to take some of the refugee rocks into their own homes, which I bet the band is going to do. Yup yup they take slips and get in line!

Oh wow, they don’t just get one rock, they get like a whole tribe apiece!!! Apparently Carb the lemon guy has a history with the tribe that he got, as he starts by getting sloppy kisses from one of the rock chicks he got.

Gem takes her tribe to the hair salon, despite the fact that her rocks really don’t have any hair. And the tribe tears up the place and runs amok and causes mayhem. Oh man, is this like a ‘Teach Christianity to the savages so they may be clean’ kind of deal? That would jerk my ire.

Chip takes his tribe to the grocery store, where he tries to explain fruit to them. And guess what? The tribe tears up the place and runs amok and causes mayhem. Didn’t see that coming!

Splinter calls to see how it is going with Chet. He again uses the word ‘Spikin’ to describe it and I still do not know what that means. Romans 12/13 and all that he says, I guess I gotta look it up or something, nahhh.

It is suggested that the gang gets the tribes together at the movies in an effort to relax and pass the day. Chief tribe guy overhears the band complaining about how much trouble the tribes are. So he rounds them up and takes off, cause he did not want to deal with the whining. That my friends is leadership. They replay the last scene that we just watched to remind us what just happened 20 seconds ago and it’s off to the zoo, cause, you know, that is where the savages would go.

The chief decides that group prayer is the answer to their problems. seems to me that if that actually worked, then they wouldn’t be in the situation they find themselves in in the first place. But I’m a jerky agnostic and such.

And with everyone making nice nice, they go back to the appliance store to watch TV. And it’s a miracle, the volcano which crushed the island erupted again and made everything normal…somehow.

The band is now back to live action, where they show the gifts they have bought for the tribe rocks from the previous cartoon. They all agree that the clothing Gem got is ‘Spikin’ OMG what the heck is up with the use of that word?!?!?!

And now a Devo rip off music video!!! Wow, they wear Devoesque outfits and do that robot jerky style of playing from the Whip It video, and sing in metallic robot sound effect voices. Who knew you could do so much with a Blue screen? The message of the song is ‘Share with God’s people’. I suppose then that one could assume that you do not need to share with people that you do not consider ‘God’s People’. Whew, that was a close one.

Looks like no more cartoons, but instead of that I get the joy of another music video! This one is a mostly decolorized video whose blue screen takes the form of a foggy forest. But then during the chorus the sun comes out and makes everything bright and shiny. That is just thought out God symbolism done to a tee. Message of this one; ‘Do not fear’.

Whoa, now ANOTHER music video, this one is somehow not set in front of a blue screen! It consists of the band walking through the neighborhood collecting kids and creating a mob scene. They must be off to protest an abortion clinic.

And there roll the credits! And this is when I discover that this show is Canadian, which makes perfect sense to me in hindsight.

Well, what can be said about this? Barbs and jabs aside, this was not the worst thing I have ever seen, I might even say that is was more entertaining than I was expecting. If you are the type of parent who loves the baby Jesus, and want your kids to love the baby Jesus too, this is probably a pretty decent show to have them watch. I would think that about the age of 9 they will outgrow it and want some Metallica in their lives, but as long as you are sheltering them, might as well shelter them with this show. Unlike Bibleman, this show did not insult my intelligence very much at all, and dare I say the songs were not horrible if you into religious pop songs.

Color me disappointed, I wanted to really crush this show. Maybe I’m getting soft in my ripe old age. This is not something I would push on my own kids if I had them, but I could totally see how good Christian folks would put this on and dance around to it with their 6 year old kids.

Blech, I need another beer to wash this joyous, positive taste from my mouth.

-Ray

Biker Mice From Mars

Thursday, September 25th, 2008

So, I was all prepared to do another religious themed program for this episode of Kids Show Round Up. I took care of Bibleman, but still have another 2 in my DVR (Faithville and God rocks). Man oh man, watching a kids show called ‘God Rocks’ does have it’s calling, let me tell you.

But then I discovered another show over the weekend, which raised a bunch of questions to me.

What kids show debuts new episodes on Sunday night at 3:30 AM stuck between infomercials and, well, MORE INFOMERCIALS???

Ok, to be honest that was the only question it asked. But seriously, while going through my ‘Guide’ feature on my digital cable, I found this curious show stuck on the latest part of a Sunday night between some infomercials for penis extension and some more infomercials for making your fortune through real estate. And this was for a brand new episode!

My curiosity was at an apex. The fact that the name of this show is ‘Biker Mice From Mars’ just pushed it over the top, I have to do this show next, I NEED to do this show next.

So I am doing this show next.

Biker Mice From Mars; Originally aired on 9/21 at 3:30 AM on Channel 11 KTTV (FOX)
New, “Bringing Up Vinnie”, (2008), Vinnie is accidentally turned into a baby mouse by the evil Dr. Catorkian, and the Mice must deal with his diapers as they battle the Catatonians and Ronald Rump. (Animated)

Holy crap, I think I may have found the greatest show in the history of TV.

The fact that they have a villain character based on the Michigan Suicide Doctor Jack Kevorkian notwithstanding. The fact that they battle a Donald Trump character named Ronald Rump notwithstanding. The fact that they have to CHANGE DIAPERS in the middle of a battle notwithstanding. The fact that they are mice who fight cats, while being from Mars and riding bikes notwithstanding. This show was stuck in between 2 infomercials at 3:30 AM on a Sunday night! I cannot push that callback button enough.

THIS IS GOING TO BE FRIGGING AWESOME!!!

Let get started;

And we begin! Some human finds wrinkles in his face while is a high rise office. He is hanging with Katie Couric and Dick Cheney apparently. I should probably assume that this guy is evil. He goes to his video wall and talks to DR. CATORKIAN without blinking an eye at the fact that he is talking to a cat in a labcoat, who is almost ready. But for what?

Dr. Catorkian claims that he has found the fountain of Youth, and it’s time for the experiment! We find a classic homeless woman (but still a cat) character sitting in a dentist’s chair. The good doctor takes what can only be described as a tube of cake frosting and shoots the whole thing on her face. No seriously. And then wraps her face in bandages before shooting some laser at her. It should also be noted that apparently Dr. Catorkian is like 20 feet tall.

The human plugs his ears from the noise, wouldn’t it just be easier to turn down the volume on his video wall?

Anyways, Catorkian takes off the bandages, sees what he made, and then puts the bandages back on while grinning sheepishly. I have a feeling that this whole thing did not work. He says as much, and the human (yet unnamed) complains that without this secret formula he is nothing but a wrinkled up billionaire. Wait, what’s the problem again? I think that this whole episode might have gone another way if he only knew of something called plastic surgery. No worries though, this is a new science, and easy to miss, especially here in Los Angeles.

Catorkian requests more test subjects, or as he would go on to call them, ‘Lab Rats, Lab Mice, whatever you’d call them’. And I see how our heroes might get involved, cause I’m smart!

But wouldn’t finding regular mice who were not on bikes or from Mars be much more simple than the alternative? Or is this some alternate Earth where said mice do not exist? Hmm, maybe all will be explained in this OPENING SEQUENCE!!!

Biker Mice From Mars…BWANG BWANG 80′s RIFF BWANG…Biker Mice From Mars!!!

So these mice have both cybernetic weapons built in as well as super powers, and they fight jets, and robots, and probably the establishment.

This show was created by Rick Ungar, who probably has a prescription for it.

And we meet our heroes in the location where all heroes should be met; In a cornfield.

They are on their way to meet up with some friend or something. One of the mice asks the question out loud of why their friend would be hanging out in a cornfield, and makes sure to start his sentence with the word ‘Dude’ so we can be quite sure that he is totally awesome.

Despite Mecha-Mouse (I assume that is his name, I mean I made it up for him) using his robot arm to lock in to their friend’s signal, the other mice, (Who I will now name Leader and Nubby, cause I can) feel that nothing is there but corn…Til they roll by a giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robot with death lasers. Check that, that would be 4 giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robot(s) Plural.

The Biker Mice From Mars promptly turn around and drive away from the giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots, who do not give chase. But what kind of role-models would they be if they just did that? So Leader turns around to face them head on! using a small laser from the front of his bike, Leader hits 2 of the robots with one shot apiece, blowing them up 5 seconds after he hits them. Thankfully, in true GI:Joe fashion that gives the cats inside time to parachute out before the mild explosion.

But wait, that leave 2 more robots to chase the other 2 biker Mice From Mars! What will happen? I mean, despite the fact that one of the mice just took out 2 of them without thinking about it or breaking a sweat, what will 2 mice do against 2 of them? Hmm, my guess is that they will take them out easily without breaking a sweat, but let’s find out together!!!

They take out the 2 robots without breaking a sweat, who saw it coming???

Mecha-Mouse, after dispatching the 2 robots, then looks at the camera and says that his mother told him to eat his veggies so that he will grow up big and strong, no seriously, he says that. I wonder what she told him about grafting inorganic metal appendages to his own body? I guess she said ‘Go for it’ cause he did.

OH NO! Out of nowhere a 5th giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robot pops out! Our heroes dispatched with the first 4 with little to problem individually, what will they do when confronted as a group by just one of them?

The answer: Absolutely nothing as a ‘Mouse Trap: The Game’ style giant glowing bell cage is slowly lowered on top of them while they sit there and look at it. Huh?

The mice are now tied together in a cage held over a boiling vat of oil or something. With a true look into the hygene of the Biker Mice From Mars, Leader asks why he is about to take a bath when it’s not even Saturday.

Enter Dr. Catorkian! Who graciously welcomes the Biker Mice From Mars, and introduces himself. One of the Mice responds with the tried and true; ‘What’s up Doc’. Causing the Doctor to pause before qupping back, ‘Ah, you made a funny, like a Bugs Rabbit no?’. No Dr. Catorkian, they did not, but thanks for playing. One of the Biker Mice questions what planet the Doctor is from to not get their hip and current reference. Well geez Mice, not everyone has what planet they are from in the title of the show! Dang!

The mice, it would seem, have been chosen for an experiment which, if successful, will result in nobody ever having to age again. Not a bad deal if you ask me, in the name of science I hope that they succeed! That human (Who at this point I have to assume is Ronald Rump) shows up to oversee, and the Mice mock him for having a big rear end. They then go on to make a Madonna reference, proving how current and into the recent scene they are. When was this made again? Oh yeah, FREAKING 2008!!! They go on to make Paris Hilton and J-Lo references when finally Nubbie realizes how gay they all sound and calls them out for it.

Cut to Outside; Where some hot chick in a van pulls up looking for the Mice. Her locater tells her that they are hidden away in a very, and I mean VERY phallic looking silo with a glowing side door.

Let conduct the experiment! The Mice are lowered, but stopped when they ask about the nature of the substance they are about to get dunked in, cause you know, it’s vitally important to any test subject that they fully understand what is going to happen to them.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL!!! Wait, someone actually paid to get commercial time on this show at this hour? Wow.

Oh man, the best part about this commercial break is that I don’t have to write anything or make sense of this nonsensical junk. I wish the rest of the show was all commercials.

Sadly it is not.

And we’re back!!! Back at the Junk Silo.

And Hot Chick blasts the van through the wall of the silo, despite the fact that in the beforeseen picture, the silo was clearly up on stilts of some kind, meaning that she would have had to jump the van (with no ramp) like 200 feet up in the air to make this happen. GO TEAM LOGIC!!111

She giggles about saving them, and shoots the cage open, and all heck breaks loose! While most of the villains are seen just standing there watching, the Biker Mice crush anyone they can while the cage swings around the room. And Nubbie falls from the cage and into the vat!!!

Despite facing almost certain painful death, he still has a lame quip prepared, cause you know, he’s rad.

And he gets out of the vat only to slide into the table holding the magic laser which flies in the air and starts shooting him over and over again while spinning. Sure, why not? If you read the plot guide, you already know what is about to happen.

The Biker Mice get in the van and roll backwards down a ramp that I swear to God was not there before. Well, at least they are covering their implausible bases.

I really do not want to watch this anymore. We are only 12 minutes in. Please kill me.

Somehow the baddies blow up their own silo, and the heroes drive away. Nubbie asks for some cheese to snack on, prompting everyone else to flip out, Don’t Mice eat cheese? Am I missing something here? Or are Biker Mice rejecting cheese XTREME?!!

The pull the van over about 2 feet later, still in the cornfield, and proceed to drink beer and eat what I can only guess is roast beef by itself. And plot point delivered; Nubbie has become a baby. Strangely his cybernetic implants have also shrunk to accommodate his new size. That was nice of them to do.

Hot chick shows her motherly nature by complaining loudly that she does not want to take care of him. I can only guess that the other Biker Mice also do not share paternal leanings. Mecha-Mouse suggests to Hot Chick that she gives him milk to calm him down. HECK YEAH! Sadly she passes, and they give him a bottle of Root Beer instead. They are good parents. Belching ensues, because belching is XTREME!!!

Cut back to Ronald Rump, where it is revealed that they can track the newly made baby using some science gizmo. Word.

Hot Chick tries to sing to Baby Nubbie, and he in turn, starts speaking and hits on her. He drinks more root beer, belches, and the Biker Mice take off while Baby Nubbie craps himself, thus leaving Hot Chick to change the diaper. That was nice of them. And Nubbie escapes only to be attacked by more giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots!!! Proving their antagonist incompetence the robots shoot lasers at Nubbie only to miss him every time, despite the fact that, you know, HE IS A BABY JUST CRAWLING AROUND ON THE GROUND.

Cut to my sweet, sweet oasis, errr, I mean commercial!

we return to find that the villains have lost Baby Nubbie in the cornfield. Man, if only they had a gizmo which could be used to locate him. Hmmmmm.

And Nubbie stumbles across a random abandoned carnival, never mentioned or pictured til just now.

Hijinx ensue as Nubbie turns on the power to the carnival, and the baddies try to bring him in, but fail, maybe if they just got out of their giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots and just went after him it might be easier?

ACTION SCENE! And the Biker Mice fight, well, you know what it is they are fighting, I’ve typed it like 900 times. These robots are the easiest thing to destroy in the known universe. Bubblewrap puts up a better fight.

So now we get a few Batman inspired flying vehicles to sell more toys…errrr to bring on the fight! And they get dispatched by grappling hooks, wow, those things are lamer than the aforementioned giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots!

Some evil cat gets into the house of mirrors with little Nubbie. After trying to get him, evil cat loses him. At which point from behind Nubbie rides a vaudeville style big front wheel bike over the evil cat from out of nowhere. And again. And again.

At this point the Biker Mice take control of the situation, leaving a tent full of cats tied to the ferris wheel to die a horrible, horrible death.

This does not solve the crisis of the age problem though, and we are running out of time for this episode! Oh wait, Nubbie turns back into a full sized mouse for no reason by doing nothing. Huh. Then he goes right back into hitting on Hot Chick. That was climactic.

The End.

I check the closing credits to see if I recognize any names of friends. I look to see who I might have to punch in the face later. Thankfully I find none that I know.

Bottom Line: The show sucks. This show sucks harder than the vacuum of space. It tries so hard to be XTREME but is just lame, like basically all other shows that try to do the same. Basically to be XTREME in a kids show seems to mean that you need to have belching, soda, old references, old slang, and loud noises. If your kid actually likes this show then look out; Insubordination, mullets, and the music of Billy Joel are probably soon to follow.

-Ray

Bibleman

Friday, August 15th, 2008

Ok, this is a show that I have seen before, and I still cannot believe that it exists.

Have you ever been sitting around, thinking to yourself, ‘Hey, if only there was a biblical themed superhero who carried a lightsabre, had low production values, and teaches children that the most important thing in life is to not question authority?’

Well if the answer to that question is ‘Yes’ than have I got the show for you!!!

BIBLEMAN!

You can find Bibleman on your local Trinity Broadcasting Network affiliate. They also do ‘Bibleman Live’ which might just be coming to a Missouri town near you! I’ve seen it before as mentioned, and have been putting it off for the Kids Show Round Up.

I shall wait no more.

Bibleman; Originally aired on 7/26/08 at 10am on local channel 17, TBN. A religious superhero fights villains and helps kids overcome moral dilemmas (Religion).

In past episodes I have seen, Bibleman has ‘helped’ kids by teaching them that hanging around with Non-Christian kids will lure them to Satan. I have also seen him ‘help’ kids by teaching them that if they go to websites on the internet, they will turn evil.

This show is freaking amazing. It’s the kind of show that you would swear was a parody when you were watching it. Then you slowly realize that they are serious in the delusional things they say, and that this is marketed to children. Of all the evil I have faced doing this site, this show might possibly be the most sinister.

Let’s get to it.

We open with an ad thanking shows like Bibleman for providing entertainment with Christian principles. Someone kill me now.

Last time on Bibleman: The local newspaper created the first ever Bibleman comic strip, which will begin it’s worldwide distribution next week. If it truly had worldwide distribution then why is the press conference being held in the corner of an office at the Shotzville Gazette? And where the heck is Shotzville?

Bibleman and little boy Steven are there! Bibleman would like to thank Steven for helping. What he did exactly is not fully explained.

Some electricity themed villain wants to zap the kid. I approve.

We now meet a new kid in town, he’s an artist, just like Steven. Ahh, there you go. Why they tapped a small boy to draw a worldwide distributed comic is beyond me. How will he juggle both school, job, and gasp, still go to church? And what of child labor laws? I am guessing we will not find answers to any of these questions.

The new kid sucks up to Steven by praising his ability as an artist, I can see where this one is going already.

And wasting no time the villain zaps Steven and fills him with human emotions. Bibleman suggests that the new kid (who’s name is Tyler BTW) help Steven on the Bibleman comic. Steven blows him off though, cause he really doesn’t need any help. I mean, taking pride in your work, is that a sin? Oh wait, yeah, it is..

Steven goes to take pictures for publicity. Tyler is sad because he doesn’t get to be in them. Um, hey, new kid, Steven just met you, and doesn’t even know if you are even talented, why you trying to gank his limelight? Of course Bibleman and sidekick apologizes to Tyler for Steven, cause not letting a random stranger take creative control of a project you have worked hard for is a sin.

Bibleman tells his sidekick to watch Steven, cause he apparently does not trust him. Electric villain (who is named The Prince of Pride BTW) zaps Bibleman over and over to try and corrupt him.

Back at the Biblecave, and out of costume, Bibleman worries that he looks too good in the Bibleman comic, and that if he looks too good that he will deflect attention away from God, and that would be wrong. He wants to stay humble, well as humble as a purple clad religion themed superhero can be.

Pride and his Bill and Ted sidekick watch the inside of the Biblecave (?) on their computer. Pride says that his ego enhancing machine is working great, while Beavis says that it is not. See it’s working cause now Bibleman is proud of being humble. Um, sure, why not?

Steven has a new picture, it is a cosmic pic of Bibleman standing on a bible. Bibleman thinks that will draw attention away from God. Um, if he was so worried about that, why not just create a fictional character named ‘Godman’ and have him fight crime then? Then you could make him look as good as you wanted? Oi, trying to inject logic into this show is like trying to inject a ham with steak.

Pride looks on with glee. Steven and Bibleman argue about the creative direction of the comic. this is why you cannot trust kids with anything important. Tyler shows up to CB, he brought a drawing of a new Bibleman sidekick, and wants to use it! Bibleman loves it, even though having a sidekick would deflect attention away from God. Steven rightfully thinks that it is his project and wants to protect his end of things. Steven leaves in anger.

Suddenly the computer UNICE alerts everyone (wherever UNICE actually is) that there is a proximity alert to Bibleman! Oh no, and now Pride appears out of thin air and we have a LIGHTSABRE BATTLE!!

Pride shoots Bibleman with his shoulder cannon of ego enhancing power and cackles like a crazy man. Bibleman says that he is not proud! I wouldn’t be either Bibleman, I wouldn’t be either. Pride warps out of there, and now Bibleman knows what is going on.

Back at the Biblecave, Sidekick has talked some sense into Steven, and now things are cool. Bibleman wants some time to pray. Let me know how that works out for ya pal.

Now we hear the tale of Miles Peterson. He is in the rain and dressed like death of a salesman. He screams at the ground in rage. Then he found the bible buried in the dirt, where it belongs. This man is now BIBLEMAN!!! No explanation given as to how he built a lightsabre, but so it goes my friend. Now we suddenly, 8 minutes into the show, get the opening credits. Huh?

Oh wait, were those closing credits? Oh man I am confused.

Now we have part 2. Oh, fair.

Bibleman has been praying on and off all morning. Steven still rejects the new sidekick, and is working on a new one, but won’t give details. A meeting is set up with the newspaper editor and the principle players in this caper.

We cut back to Pride in his Sewer fortress, watching more clips from inside the Biblecave. Pride orders his computer Luci (get it?) to send the Bible computer UNICE an E-mail of pride. How will that work exactly to a machine? Anyways, Pride falls down and Luci actually busts out with a ‘Smooth move, ExLax’ quip. No, seriously.

Luci drops some sketches into Steven’s files to set him up. So Pride will send his own pic as the new sidekick or something. See, then Steven will think new kid did it, and then all will explode.

At the meeting. the idea for Steven’s new sidekick i rejected cause, well, cause it’s crap. They look at other pictures and find one that the editor really likes. Why? I could not tell you, it’s a guy who looks like a gaunt Hulk. Steven says that he did not even draw it, and the editor just says, ‘Well whoever did has got some talent’. Steven (rightfully) gets pissed off and threatens to quit.

Editor, the voice of reason, decides to table the sidekick idea. what about villains? But wait, wouldn’t having villains in the comic take focus off of God? Ah, never mind. Anyways the new Pride themed villain (If you remember) sketch is wildly loved by the editor. But Bibleman gets a blast of pride and is mad because its not his idea, and he has creative control. Steven quits in anger, and blames new kid. Meeting over.

Sidekick decodes the picture, and using technology that does not exist in this realm of reality, he breaks the villain picture down proving it to be Pride. ‘And I bet that he is here’. In materializes Pride, who now knows Kung Fu. As does Bibleman. Now they are both speaking in backwards talk and moving very fast. No, seriously. What the heck is going on here? Now the room goes dark and we get ANOTHER LIGHTSABRE FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meanwhile sidekick sits at his laptop mid battle and tried to check his email.

Let’s have a talk where we quote bible verses! Bibleman throws out a Proverb from, well, Proverbs that says that pride comes before destruction.

Taking a quick pause here. If Bibleman does not use Pride as his villain in the comic at this point, would it not be because of his own Pride? And so therefore does he not need to give this villain his due or fall flat before his own pride? and if so, does that not negate the entire lesson of this show? Unpausing.

Pride says that the comic will fizzle. He is probably right. Sidekick cannot access his email, I am not sure why that is more important than helping Bibleman in his fight from him 2 feet away.

Luci and UNICE spar with words now over the internets. Luci says that UNICE is too slow, and UNICE says that she has Intel inside. No, seriously.

And with more words, UNICE blows up. Bibleman gets zapped, and Sidekick shows up to try and save UNICE, and nobody watching has a clue what is going on.

ACTION CUT TO; Bibleman and Pride quietly sitting at a table playing Go Fish. No, seriously.

ANOTHER ACTION CUT TO; Rock paper scissors between Pride and Bibleman while the microphone hangs in view of the camera. What the heck is this show?

FINAL ACTION CUT TO; MID LIGHTSABRE BATTLE!!! With no explanation as to what the heck I was just watching. The writers must have been following the book of Zephaniah, where it says, ‘Lo, and God doth giveth crack to writing team, and they doth smoketh it, and then wroteth an episode of Bibleman, and it was not good, Amen.’

Sidekick orders the UNICE to purge all files not belonging to Christ Sure, why not? UNICE thanks Sidekick and gives him all the credit for saving it. Of course Sidekick tells UNICE that she is crazy, and that God deserves all the credit. Um, but God let UNICE blow up didn’t he? Whatever, selective appropriation of lessons and message. Fine, I’m over it.

Bibleman shows up sans helmet to the Biblecave and wants to give up. He says that Pride is right and the comic is sunk and he wants to quit. But is that not Pride talking? Of course! And now Bibleman feels much better. Active the rectal scanner! Errr, excuse me, retinal scanner! And here are the actual transcribed words from the show;

UNICE: My scanner shows infra red trace elements consistent with those scanned near Steven.
Sidekick: That Pride guy must have hit you both with some ego stimulating heat-ray-donic seismo-ray!
Bibleman: Creating an ego-plasmic distortionary electro-field. Which caused Steven and I to focus on ourselves instead of God. Insidious.
Sidekick: That’s a big word.
Bibleman: Yes it is.

Oh. . My. . .God I LOVE this show.

Anyways UNICE finds an appropriate bible passage about Pride. Bibleman has a plan; Create a Pride themed comic without the ending, Pride will be crazy not knowing how it ends ands will show up.

Bibleman begs Steven for forgiveness, and preaches about God. Steven accepts it and is ready to make comics again. And this show actually does something correct in answering my rhetorical question earlier, as Bibleman puts his pride aside to create a Pride centered comic. Steven wants new kid to help him, to make the deadline.

Cut to kids drawing! The ending is apparently going to be so great that it will ‘knock their eyeballs out’. Is that from the Old Testament?

Pride of course, sees all, and Bibleman shows up in his sewer fortress to challenge him. How he got there is fuzzy at best, and what this has to do with his plan is even fuzzier. If he could just show up at his base, why go through all the trouble of making a Pride themed comic? Oi.

Now we have YET ANOTHER LIGHTSABRE BATTLE!!!!! Bibleman lets out a ‘Is that your final answer’ blast. What, no time for ‘You are the weakest link, goodbye?’ At this point Bibleman starts blowing up all pious with preachy banter that you would typically hear from a drunk homeless guy at 3:23 AM outside a strip club. Bibleman is getting more righteous (and crazy) with every statement, so this show is probably ending soon.

Pride tries to shoot his pride cannon at Bibleman, but it is all deflected back at Pride, who somehow is effected. Pride is shot back into an electrical panel, where he sizzles and turns into a skeleton and dies. Score one for righteous fanatical fury!

Now Bibleman turns and talks to me directly! “Pride and destruction go together like liver and onions, or Sonny and Cher, or Donny and Marie, or finding a band-aid in your salad”. Um, sure.

Back at the Biblecave, the comic is out! yay! The editor is calling to thank him. Yay!

Following some inane banter, Bibleman is here to talk to us, the kids, directly. He wants us to know that it is Ok to be proud of our accomplishments, but not proud of our actions. Sure, a razors edge of difference, but I will go with it. By the way no matter what Jesus Christ will be proud of you. Doesn’t that make him prideful? AARRGGHHHH!!??!!

Credits! And not a moment too soon!

We learned many important lessons from todays show. Lessons like, ‘Be proud, but not prideful’, and, ‘Don’t leave the front door to your sewer fortress unguarded’, and ‘Don’t let your kids watch confusing Christian themed kids shows’. If you knowingly let your kids watch this show then you have failed as a parent. This episode was as the others were, confusing and almost a self parody. The lesson was murky at best, and the villain’s message rang more true with me than the hero’s. Thankfully I saw in the closing credits that this show was made in 2000, and hopefully is out of production. For Godless jerks like me though, this show is pure heaven. I would have to say that this is one that you should have your kids avoid, but get drunk and watch yourself.

-Ray

Caillou

Saturday, July 26th, 2008

So this Kids Show Round Up is special for a number of reasons.

First one since I moved to Hollywood. Also the first one in a while that I will do while genuinely drunk. Yay!

Anyways, this. . .is. . . CAILLOU!!!

I have absolutely no idea what the heck Caillou is supposed to be. I assume that it is the name of the protagonist involved. Is he maybe a cat? That would make sense I guess. Hmm, this might be rough, maybe I should have started back with the Christian stuff? Ah well, it’s already in the works, I may as well make it happen.

Today’s episode is “Caillou the Sports Star” (2006). It is a repeat that aired on 7/25 at 11am on channel 3, PBS KCET. In this episode ‘Clementine wins a ribbon for swimming and Caillou wants one, too; he’s disappointed that he can’t climb as far as Leo; Caillou imagines that he’s in a bike race for grown-ups. (Educational)

Really? This show is educational? I know I’ve banged on this drum before, but educational? What the heck am I going to learn from this show? It’s sounds like the theme of this show is disappointment and jealousy. Hmm, maybe I will enjoy this after all! Sounds so close to home and all, I think I will give it a chance. Alright, enough stalling, let’s get started!

This show is sponsored by Chuck E Cheese’s. Good to know, somehow Chuck E Cheese’s supports being an active kid! Huh, who knew?

And the show starts. Wow, how can I describe this animation? It’s as if the guy who drew the old ‘My name is Simon and I like to do drawings’ cartoons had a technicolor seizure. Also the edges of the screen have been bleached away, creating a barfy dream effect.

We begin with a theme song! He’s just a kid, well that is good to know, if he was a V style alien that would disturb me. he grows each day and likes exploring! Wow! So he is not a cat, sadly, hes just some kid in a faux British environment. Who names their kid Caillou? See my most recent post on naming for my full feelings. And Caillou is bald! A bald kids show kid? This is weird.

Todays show is called ‘Everyone’s best’.

Caillou talks to Clementine. Clem won a red ribbon at her swimming lesson! Red? What place is that even supposed to be? Oh dang, she is bragging about a participation ribbon. This show makes me sad.

Some red haired kid says he got a blue ribbon for running or something, and then takes off. I wish the camera had just let him go. Instead we pan over to see him bound away from Caillou. Yet he does not give chase, why?

Grandma asks him that very question. He responds with, ‘I’m not as fast as those other kids’, so he quit. I really like where this show is going. Grandma says that he is good at lots of other stuff, so no biggie. But then again, I am pretty sure that is what you tell your kid if he is dumb. “Sure those other kids get A’s and play sports better than you, but nobody takes a bigger poo than you my boy!

Caillou wishes he could win a ribbon like Clementine. Well if it’s just a red one, it’s not hard, just show up! Geez! Grandma has an idea. And is gone.

Caillou bursts a soap bubble, wow.

Grandma then creates a bunch of ribbons so that maybe Caillou might win one. I cannot express the depressing feeling this show gives me.

First event! Walk heel to toe, fastest wins!

Clementine wins! Granted she walked over the cat to do it, but shoot better than steroids on the cheating scale.

Event 2! Biggest smile! WHAT??!!?

Leo wins the measured biggest smile. That was really lame. Caillou wants to win a ribbon, but fails at every opportunity. Mom reminds him that trying to win is fun, so winning is not important. Welcome to kids shows in the George W. Bush era folks.

3rd Event! Silliest walk!

WINNER: JOHN CLEESE!

Oh wait, that would be too awesome, instead, Rosie wins, under a giant Sombrero. How sad, this whole thing is designed to get Caillou a ribbon, and he cannot even win the subjective events. What a loser.

4th Event! Nerd decathalon!

Well, best I can call these trials of the lame. Caillou runs, jumps over a ball, jumps over something, then throws a ball into a hoop. then runs back. Caillou however is running on the extreme left of the track and cannot change his direction, even when stopped right before the finish line. So he stops and lets the cat (Who was sleeping on the very leftmost point of the finish line) walk around him, while Leo wins the race by running through it. Why did Caillou not learn from the first event, when running over the cat gets you victory!?!?!

Grandma blames the cat. of course she does, better to blame the cat than your own grandchild’s retardation.

Caillou was having so much fun, he forgot about winning a ribbon, which is good cause he will never win one.

Event 5! No smiling contest!

No smiling, laughing, or giggling! So this event is held at a George Carlin show?

The others all laugh and Caillou seems strangely unfazed. Detached even, maybe it’s autism?

Caillou wins! Yay! Finally not having real human emotions pays off! And he wins. . .a green ribbon. A green ribbon??? LAME! And to really rub it in, they give the cat, who was not even competing, a yellow ribbon for best purr. Wow, enjoy your ‘victory’ Caillou, it was really worth something.

Having personally competed in tournaments for a long time now there comes a certain euphoria with victory. There is one game in particular that I have competed in nationally for well over a decade before finally breaking through and winning the title. This victory brought a lifetime satisfaction that is hard to explain or measure. I can only hope that Caillou does not feel an ounce of the fulfillment that I feel from that accomplishment.

Next episode! ‘Stronger every day’ I can only imagine that in this episode Caillou does not become a paraplegic.

Careful kids, that basket is heavy! Caillou carries it about 3 feet before having to put it down. Caillou wants to carry it the remaining 3 feet but he’s a weakling. Caillou is jealous of Dad, he wants to carry it! And thus the hatred begins.

Time to eat the picnic! Rosie is ready to eat now, even without food. So she starts to eat the grass near her. Mom suggests that cows eat grass, to which Rosie replies, ‘Moooooo!’ Thus begins a cycle of adult therapy.

Oh my God I just noticed that I am just 9 minutes through this 30 minutes show. I hate life.

Caillou wants to play on the monkeybars until lunch is ready. Never mind that this is a picnic and there is nothing to prepare. Caillou is tired of being small, so he took HGH and got hooked on a high protein diet. Oh wait, that is someone else. . .

Hey wow there are new monkeybars! The old bars had 4 rungs, these have 8! The old one is lame!!!

(A side note, at this point I pressed some button that made all my text go away, and I thought I lost everything, thank the correct deity for saved drafts. I could not go back and do that last part again. This stuff really does hurt)

Caillou does them all! Well, he gets as far as 4. So, why were these new ones so cool? By the way he had Dad help him through all 4. This is clearly a show about unrealized dreams and lying to yourself about your own failures. They want to go all the way, but lack the necessary skills to do it. So back to lunch!

Mom has a pot belly. Not trying to judge, it’s just that after having the kids she clearly does not care anymore. The kids refer to themselves as monkeys, and somewhere Howard Cosell gets in trouble. Mom gives the kids bananas to eat, and Rosie again let’s out a ‘Mooooooo!’ blast. I assume she does that before going back to eating the grass next to her. The kids pester Dad, ‘What do we do to grow up big and strong?’ Dad looks at Mom and laughs, before leaning over and saying the secret to all eternity, ‘To grow up big and strong, you have to. . . wait a minute,you already know, who told you? You have to eat healthy food, like fruits and vegetables, and sandwiches.’ Dr. Atkins would disagree, but he died of a diet induced heart attack.

The kids get excited because getting strong is done also by playing. Granted playing means spending 3 hours a day at the gym and forgoing alcohol, you know, fun!

Bikes appear. Clementine’s brother shows up and comments on how strong Caillou is getting. He likes to placate Caillou. And with that let’s go to a song.

I wanna be big right now! Which is odd cause I want someone to put a gun to my brain stem right now and pull the trigger. Folks, this shwo hurts, at least Yo Gabba Gabba flipping moved along, this thing just hangs there in the air mocking me. I feel like I have been watching it for like 5 hours and it has only been 15 minutes, oi.

This song has devolved into a rap of sorts. Caillou wants to be big right now, but being small is still Ok too, you know? So in other words this song has no point, got it.

Episode 3! “No more training wheels’

I want to die.

The brilliant Caillou starts this episode having wrapped himself in toilet paper, running through the house being chased by the cat. Now he pesters Dad. Dad is washing the front windows and Caillou wants to help, cause Caillou has nothing better to do. And 5 seconds later they are done. Wow.

Rosie is getting bigger. Caillou is getting bigger. 1 full minute of talking for that? Now their Asian friend Sarah shows up and invites Caillou to a bike ride. Dad wants to come to, so he hops on the mini trike and tried to go. But it turns out that was a joke! Ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And off they go. Since Caillou is a loser, he lags well behind the others. Caillou thinks he is ready to ride without his training wheels. i can see where this is going, and by that I mean failure.

Caillou imagines riding with no training wheels and winning the Tour De France it would seem. Then cold reality set it and Caillou realizes that he cannot do it. No seriously he cannot go 2 feet without teetering and almost falling over. Having used every adult in the neighborhood to prevent him from toppling Caillou finally exclaims, ‘I think my bike it getting tired.’ Ummm, yeah.

Caillou’s immense brain is tapped with trying the get Rosie’s shoes on. This should provide nanoseconds of entertainment. Rosie of course shares the same defective genes that Caillou has, so she tries to put the shoes on the wrong feet. When Caillou tries to fix it she shuts him down and tries to walk around, resulting in (you guessed it) failure. I have noticed a common theme in this show.

Caillou ponders his own failures at bike riding. Dad suggests that Caillou is not ready for it. So in other words embrace your own failure, and pray for tomorrow! Sarah suggests that they go for a bike ride again. But she will rollerblade, thus defeating the idea. The end.

Episode 4! Caillou the Sports Star. Oh this should be rich.

No Caillou I do not want to play a game with you, despite the audio prompting. But here we go anyways. . . Dad is holding a tennis racket, so he wants to play tennis! Which ball to use, the beach ball, the football, or the tennis ball. It takes Caillou 3 tries, but he gets it finally.

Sarah needs a helmet to go roller blading! Also Sarah has male pattern baldness apparently. No wonder she need headgear.

Are we still playing??? LEo wants to play baseball, so he needs a baseball glove and not mittens! And we learn a valuable lesson, you do not use a boxing glove to play baseball. I can now understand how this got listed as an educational show.

The game is over, oh praise be.

For more fun and games with Caillou, go to PBSKIDS.ORG

Remind me to never go there. In fact, can I use my parental chip to block that site in case I one day sleepwalk and my evil inner voice types it in then wakes me up to the horror?

Oh my, are we really done?

Nope, now we get a weird monologue about Grandpa. Grandpa knows how to make things, And one day they made a tent together, and under this tent rolling around apparently happened. No comment. He gives good hugs too!

He likes Rosie too BTW.

CREDITS! YAY! Somehow despite being one of the most cheaply animated shows I’ve ever seen, this show used like 200 animators. What were they all doing, feeding each other cheese curls?

And with that we are done. Wow, I really feel like I took a bullet with this one for you people. If you have a choice between watching one episode of Caillou and passing a fiery coconut through your corn hole, I’d look into the coconut option. This is a show that tells you that failure is in fact an option, and we should be Ok with not being as good as other kids as long as we are having fun. In other words all that crap our parents tried to tell us and we knew better. This show presents a new outlook on life and makes it alright to be a loser. Meanwhile the Japanese crush us in all things.

Avoid, avoid, avoid. I’d say watch it with your kids to prevent them from becoming complacent losers, but that would mean actually watching this show, and I would not wish that on anyone I know.

-Ray

My Bedbugs: Addendum

Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

So within like 24 hours of posting my Kids Show Round Up of My Bedbugs, and how I dreamed of being Snoozy: The Talking Pillow, I got an e-mail.

it was from a gentleman named Chris, who happened to be the actor who actually got the role of Snoozy: The Talking Pillow. He was pretty flipping cool, so I take back my seething jealousy of him. He said that I didn’t miss much, and this has brought me joy.

So there you go, Geez I love the internet.

-Ray

My Bedbugs

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

This will be a slightly different Kids Show Round Up. Different because I am familiar with this show and have been for a little while now.

You see, I auditioned for this show years ago back when I lived in Michigan.

Somewhere in the outskirts of what can still barely be called Southeastern Michigan, there is a big studio where they make (If it is still being made) My Bedbugs. I answered a call and went in and read for a variety of roles on the show. What was cool was that I went on set and got to mess around the living room set, the front door set, and the giant bed. I thought this show had alot of potential and could make some good money. I really wanted to get the role of Snoozy the talking pillow. I thought I had that kind of sleepy, deeper voice they would want for the part, and I just figured the merchandising on a talking pillow would be huge! Oh yeah, and I also was up for the part of the talking seahorse. If I remember correctly, I gave the character a really friendly, softer quality when I read for it, and they went with some guy who gargled all of his lines, blech.

Sadly I never heard back from the people at My Bedbugs. In the end it’s probably for the best. I am evil in spirit, and this is a show for small children. I still think they missed out on a potential goldmine in me though, but then again, of course I do.

Anyways I’ve seen a few episodes of this show in the past, every once in a while to see how it’s doing. Well, it’s still on the air, and on the air outside of Michigan, so good for them! Let’s check out an episode, and we shall see where the show is at now;

My Bedbugs, originally aired on 06/07/08 at 6:30am on KTBN. Hey wait, isn’t that the religious channel? Did the Bedbugs find the Lord? Then for sure it’s best they kept me away! Anyways, the description is ‘A children’s series that included short stories and music.’ (Other) Well, that is descriptive, hmm, at least they aren’t giving away all the plot points like the liners usually do for these shows. Hold on, was that liner note written in the past tense? That’s ominous, even reruns of Hogan’s Heroes have liners written in present tense!

Anyways, let’s get started, and see if I knew any of the people who actually got involved with this show;

And here we go. The Bedbugs are doing their own bumper, there are 3 of them, and they are all siblings, I believe the characters were based on the kids of the woman who created the show, or maybe it was her cats. Hmm, anyways the story goes that the three bedbugs live in a house and are looked over by a talking vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaners name? ‘J. Edgar’. No, seriously, they really went there.

And the show has started! BEDBUG PARTY! Woozy, Toofy, and Gooby are your bugs, not that I can tell them apart from each other quickly, but I will try.

The bugs wake up from their giant bed to see the talking vacuum cleaner already staring at them, that’s kinda creepy. If I woke up and there was a 6 foot tall spectacle wearing vacuum staring at me, I think it would be time to move. But on we go, Gooby wakes up Toofy by telling him there is a dinosaur in the room. Toofy is startled! Then Gooby drops the bombshell, there is no dinosaur, and he just got over on his brother. CUE THE WHIMSICAL WOODWIND MUSIC!!!

Man, I remember, they said do not touch the giant bed when I was on set, and I soooo did. That thing was flipping HUGE! You get no sense of scale from watching this show, but dang, let me tell you, dang!!! Each of the bugs is like 5’8 in real life, and the bed makes them look tiny. I think it’s like 20 feet long or something, I mean, it’s huge, and I want it.

Woozy the girl bedbug is sick! Oh no! She doesn’t want to talk about food. She tells J Edgar that she feels sick and walks away. At which point one of her brothers said, ‘From the way she’s acting, I think she’s sick’. Great deduction Columbo! It’s the way she’s acting not the fact that she JUST SAID that she was sick out loud.

Let’s sing about it! Well, not really sing, but slowly rap. Doctor, Doctor, make Woozy better! Of course, there is no doctor here, so I’m not sure who they are slowly rapping to.

Holy crap we quickly jump cut to a commercial of sorts. It’s the Boulder Buddies!!! HECK YEAH!!! ‘We’re the Boulder Buddies and we got something to say! Listen to your Mom and Dad every single day!’ You tell ‘em Boulder Buddies! Teach our kids not to question anything or anybody at an early age. Oh wait, this is on TBN, so it makes sense. And then we quickly jump cut right out of that to, THE MIDDLE OF THE NEXT SCENE OF MY BEDBUGS ALREADY IN PROGRESS!!! What the heck is going on here?

Toofy is eating a giant candy bar. Gooby is upset and jealous and so he calls over J Edgar to handle his business. Now the Bedbugs jam because Toofy feels sick from eating too much candy! They jam 70′s music video style with oversized instruments in slow motion. This show is weird.

And now we seem to be down 2 Bedbugs. Toofy expresses his pain to J Edgar, who seems unfazed, to the point of not caring. His response to a child’s pain? ‘Well now hopefully you’ll learn a lesson’. Wow, J Edgar is kind of a jerk.

Anyways, now we are back to the Bedbugs playing doctor. This is making me uncomfortable. I know what will fix that unsettled feeling I’m getting, a Vaudville number about doing doctor stuff! I’d like to add at this point that the voice of Toofy is really really annoying. I am pretty sure it’s a chick doing a little boy’s voice, and trying to do it all gravel-like and stuff. Kinda like in cheap anime, it annoys me there too. The other voices so far are pretty decent though, see I’m not bitter!

Now the playing doctor continues, as Gooby pulls out a doctor hammer thing and tries to hit the knees of the other bedbugs. As he goes to tap one, he gets kicked in the behind by the other one. . . and hilarity ensues.

So at this point Ruffy the goldfish shows up to offer help! He wants to give Woozy some ‘Weird green stuff from the bottom of his tank.’ Heh, they don’t want to eat it, odd.

J Edgar comes by to offer soup to the bedbugs and it smells horrible. The bedbugs rush out of the room to avoid puking on camera. Now the 2 boys are sick in bed, and Woozy is better. let’s discuss the menu for tonight! 3 bean stew with orange jello? To be fair, that menu doesn’t sound very good even if I was hungry. And, um, that was the denoument? I guess it was as we move right along to the next bit/song/video thingy.

Now we are back to another opening intro sequence, They introduce Snoozy the talking pillow in the open, but he is an underutilized part of the show. This minisode is called ‘Gooby’s friend’. Is that anything like the ‘friends’ that 80′s female tennis stars used to travel with?

Anyways, the bugs play hopscotch on the outdoor set. I’ve never really understood the point of hopscotch, I understand less how this game works into every kids show ever made. Do kids even play hopscotch nowadays? or do they just do it on kids shows? I think that is a good qiestion, and requires more research.

Gooby gets to 5 and falls over playing the game. Wow, J Edgar is just awful. It sounds like he phones his lines in having never seen the show, one sentence at a time out of order, and they just put them together in editing, oi.

And they find a puppy!!! They want to keep him, but J Edgar is a buzzkill. They attempt to win him over to their point of view through song. They keep calling him a ‘Little Bow Wow’. I’m convinced that J Edgar is confused and thinking that they want to take in a young rapper from the 90′s and not a dog like they iintend. An easy mistake to make I suppose.

They maike signs to hang around the neighborhood to try and find the owners of the lost dog. J Edgar tells Gooby to put him down on the floor, but since the puppy is just a stuffed animal and not much of a puppet, Gooby refuses. So instead they decide to bathe him, why not?

Now they go outside with a giant bucket filled with water, and just DROP HIM IN! WOW!!! Somehow the bucket of water gives the puppy life as he goes from being a lump to carry around to an actual puppet whilst inside the bucket. I wonder what will happen when they take him out, will he turn back into a motionless lump like Frosty the Snowman?

Answer: YES!

Woozy wants to keep him. J Edgar once again buzzkills the situation before going into the oither room to take care of some things. Take care of some things? What the heck could J Edgar possibly have going on? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t work, and in Magical Bedbug land he lives rent free. Hey now that I think about it, I’ve been in that house, there is no other room!!! What is that J Edgar trying to pull!?!?!?!

Anyways the other bugs bring in a homemade doghouse type thing. I’m not really sure. Woozy is unimpressed as well. AND LET’S PLAY THE FEUD!!! Arguements ensue as ownership is disputed, and then more fights over the lame looking doghouse getting called out for. . . well being a lame looking doghouse.

This is cut off by the phone. They wish and hope and pray that this is not the real owner of the puppy, but it is. It’s the right thing to do, but it still hurts, as expressed by Gooby when he says, ‘It’s the right thing to do, but it still hurts’. Gooby then offers to give the lame looking doghouse to the real owners as a gift. J Edgar thinks that is a great idea, I mean, I wouldn’t want that piece of crap in my house, if they are lucky the real owners will take it off their hands politely, before tossing it in a dumpster on the ride home. I mean, geez, the doghouse has 2 openings to it; A front door and a garage. And NEITHER IS BIG ENOUGH TO FIT THE PUPPY!!! so basically they would have to wedge the puppy in there where there wouldn’t be enough space for him anyways! What are you bedbugs thinking???

And then we launch into the closing credits! Let me focus here and see if I recognise any names.

Hmm, Henry Birdseye as J Edgar. Well shame on you, if you are going to be so awful, at least use your real name!
Eve Gregson as Toofy. Yup, just as I said, it’s a chick trying to play a gravely sounding boy, ugh.
Lee D. as Gooby, Lee D??? LEE D????? You actually did a pretty good job Lee, and you don’t even want your name on the project? Have some pride!!!
And Chris Nierhaus as Snoozy. Darn you Chris, for getting my dream job and then being underused on top of it all! I’m telling you, marketed stuffed talking pillow dolls are a license to print money, especially if they have my voice!!! DANG IT!!!

Excuse me.

anyways this treat of a show was made back in 2004. Wow, has it been that long? The buimper at the end asks me to go check out www.mybedbugs.com for;

-Games
-Coloring
-Fun !

And then we go back to visit the Boulder Buddies. Ok it’s the same thing from before, so I will now delete the recording. Hmm, I wonder if www.mybedbugs.com still exists? One way to find out. Excuse me. . . . . .

—————————————

Well the website still exists. And it has not been updated since 2005. I clicked on the ‘See us live’ part and found out that strangely they have no upcoming shows! Huh.

Anyways, gotta give it up to a show that goes national and comes from Detroit. I don;t know though, it just feels like it’s missing something. Hmm, I got it, it’s missing a dash of Almighty Ray!!! Ha ha!

In truth, I’m glad this show is still on the air somewhere. Even if it is 6:30am on TBN Christian TV. It’s been fun trying to act all bitter about not getting this show, but as I learned here in Hollywood, ‘Don’t hate, celebrate!’ And so I celebrate My Bedbugs, and continue to wish it more than obscurity, cause the more people that know about it, the cooler my story about all of this is!

-Ray

Ni-Hao, Kai-lan

Wednesday, May 14th, 2008

I spent the whole night cleaning up my general area and doing all of my laundry. That’s alot of loads! It occurred to me that I have not done a ‘Kids Show Round Up’ in a little while, so it’s time once again to take the bullet for all the aspiring parents out there! I think I have one more kids show left in the queue from Valentines day when I DVR’d a whole smattering of them. So let’s take a look!

Wait a sec, if I just have one more kids show left in the queue, then by definition this one is the one that I had the least amount of interest in. Oh great, it’s bottom feeding time. Let’s check it out anyways and see what I got left with;

Ni-Hao, Kai-lan.

Oh crap, that’s the real name of this show. What the heck was I thinking? Well, here is the description as listed;

Ni-Hao, Kai-lan. Wed 02/13/08 at 11am on Nickelodeon. New, “Wait, Hoho, Wait!” (2008), Rintoo and the gang work together to assemble his new toy car, but Hoho can’t wait until it is finished. He hops in before the car is done, causing it to fall apart. Kai-lan helps him learn to be patient so everyone gets to play. Chinese lesson: “Push.”(Animated)

Oh wacky, so this is a show designed to push traditional Chinese values on our kids. Don’t these people know that in 50 years we will be having a Cold War with the Chinese? Even better all the characters in this show will have Chinese names I cannot decipher or in fact spell quickly. I may have to make up names for people again. Thankfully these shows tend not to be plot driven so hopefully I can keep up despite the cultural and language barriers which set me a step back to start!

I must point out though that this is on Nickelodeon instead of Disney, so I expect the XTREME level to be much higher. Rock music, strobe light effects, and quick cuts, this is my guess, but we shall see, those things would be pretty much the opposite of any ancient Chinese lesson that they would be likely to teach us. Hmm, enough stalling, guess it’s time to get started. Do I need a drink for this one? I think the answer is yes. . . .Ok let’s get started, let’s crush some Ni-High Lo-Pan! Or whatever it’s actually called, they would have named it something normal if they wanted me to remember it.

I may have started out mid opening theme song. It’s a series of talking animals and a Chinese girl, oh wait, and her Grandpa.

Sure, Hi Kai-Lan! The sun is sleeping? Let him rest! He’s a busy man with few days off if any! Wait, why would you tickle the sun? Wouldn’t that burn your hands off? The sun looks displeased at being awoken, but melancholy about the whole deal. Then the sun fuzzies come out and bring joy to Kai-Lin. Um, this show makes no sense already.

Now Grandpa is singing hot cross buns in Chinese. Um, he hasn’t said a single word in English yet. Oh, whew there he goes, that was scary. There he goes again. Now a monkey in a chefs hat wants to eat the dumplings. But they are not done yet, silly Hoho the monkey! Just give Hoho some uncooked dough and say,’ Here you go!’ Then he would eat the raw dough and not like it. That would teach him an ancient Chinese lesson in not being a dumb-head.

Now they are singing again in a round no less! I’d join in if I spoke Chinese, but I do not! Yay!

Now the ants make an appearance? Why not? They all wear ball caps and remind me of ShortRound from the Indiana Jones movies. Let’s push this giant package to the Tiger and Koala. Shouldn’t one of them be a panda or something? Aren’t koalas Australian? Oh my the koala is wearing panda shaped shoes and a matching panda T-shirt, and no pants. This is creepy.

Do I want to help Rin2D2 build his car? Nope, I’ll just watch thanks!

I think one of the goals of this show is to teach me Ni-Hao is hello in Chinese, cause I am pretty sure every single line spoken begins with those words. I am learning to fear those words.

Hoho wants to ride the car before it’s assembled! Let him jump in and go! When it doesn’t run Hoho will know it’s not ready and learn an ancient Chinese lesson! Hoho looks right at the car in pieces on the ground and asks if it is done being built yet. They tell him that in fact, no it is not. He waits 5 seconds, nobody has moved, and he asks again. I want to beat Hoho.

Let’s learn Chinese numbers! Oh man, I was never good at foreign languages. To know now that there will be white kids in Nebraska with a much better knowledge of Chinese than myself makes me sad in 39 ways.

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE HOHO THE CAR IS NOT READY! IT IS MISSING WHEELS!!! DARN YOU HOHO!!! YOU BROKE THE CAR JUST AS THEY WERE FINISHING IT!!111 NOOOOOOOOOOO!

‘Kai-Lan, why did Hoho do that?’ Good question. This triggers a flashback. ‘Look at Hoho right before he got into the car, he looks like he really wanted to get into the car’. Well, there you go Sherlock Holmes. Better deductive reasonging has yet to be found.

In any case let’s build the car again. Hoho does in fact need your help waiting! So in other words the lesson of the day is not a skill or trade, but advice on how to stand still doing nothing. So I am watching a show about how to stand there and do nothing. Why not?

If I have to hear Grandpa sing that same 2 lines of song again, I will lose my mind. Oh man, they just started the round again as I finished tying that. I want to scream. This show is not extreme at all, it’s for preschoolers. I feel my mind slowly stripping away.

Hoho likes to play a game called ‘Where’s Hoho’? Wouldn’t that be boring for Hoho, since he already knows where Hoho is? i guess he could shut his eyes and run in a straight line for an hour, and then try and figure out where he is. Actually I kinda wish he would have done that.

Well let’s find him for he is hiding now. Is he in the outhouse? Nope, is he hiding in a pumpkin? That would be tough. Nope, Hoho is in a tree, and they hug. Is the car ready yet? Of course not Hoho!! So let’s put rocks on top of other rocks! That would be so much fun!

Hoho has finally learned the lesson! So he will stand there doing nothing interesting til the car is ready! Oh wait, maybe not, he is going up a tree, and. . . .a full assortment of DJ equipment comes out. No seriously, double turn tables, a mixer board, and 4 speakers. What the heck?!?!?!

I just realised how weird this show is. Why does Hoho want to ride in the car so bad when he has a DJ booth in the nearby tree?! if I was Hoho I’d ditch the car and spin some tunes!

Ok, now Koala is wearing a helmet shaped like a panda head. This odd fetish is frankly disturbing. Hmm, maybe I’m jealous and want to wear full panda gear myself. I wonder if that look would work for me.

And now the car is moving cause they pushed it! And Koala does not want to wait to be the one to drive! So Hoho has the answer! Go up a tree and find a film crew and direct an HBO miniseries about the life of Susan B Anthony? Nope, touch your nose and flap your arms is the answer. If they had used my suggestion instead that would have been rad.

Now Koala is driving, AND THE CAR HAS TAKEN OFF INTO THE SKY. Yes the car is now flying. Apparantly ladybugs have picked the car up and are flying it around, because ladybugs now possess the strength to lift that much weight. I learned science on Ni-Hao Kai-Lan!

Congrats on being a good waiter Hoho! You get dumplings! Kai-Lin calls dandilions ‘Poofy heads’! Not to be confused with Poopy Heads, which is what I call them.

Hoho had a hard time waiting, but he got it, he got it, he got it! Now Kai-Lan is giving me credit for all the things that happened in the show today! Thanks Kai-Lan but seriously, I didn’t do any of the things you gave me credit for. Now I feel like the man who shot Liberty Valence.

And now the show is over. And an ad for Yo Gabba Gabba! comes on to punish me some more. Bubbles, bubbles, we like to play with bubbles! I will now proceed to rip out what hair I have left.

So there you go. If you want your kids to learn all about Chinese culture, by all means this is he show you want them to see I guess. Just make sure you are out of the room while this is going on. And be prepared for Chinese singing you will never hope to understand. Well probably vaguely Chinese singing, chances are you kids will not understand the words and get them all wrong, kinda like when I try to sing the opening lines of Mr. Roboto in Japanese and butcher them gloriously every time. I think I may have had a point at one time while writing this paragraph, but it’s been lost by now.

Bottom Line: Not the acid trip that is Yo Gabba Gabba!, and only slightly more annoying than Higglytown Heroes. Just stay out of the area and ignore your kids and you will survive this show.

-Ray

The Wiggles

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

Ok, i been putting this one off for a while. But I think it is high time I get to the bottom of this popular kids show. I have heard about the Wiggles before. A bunch of guys whose sexuality was never in question sing to the children and are beloved for doing so. Kinda like Sharon, Lois, and Brahm, but with more oomph for the money.

This is an episode from 2007, and it aired on 2-14 at 7am on The Disney Channel. Still a leftover from when I DVR’d a bunch of kids shows for later perusal.

This episode is called ‘Home Sweet Home’. The guys recall friends and family members who helped make their house a home; the letter C is spotlighted; cricket player Brett Lee gives tips on playing the game (Educational)

Well holy junk cricket player Brett Lee is in this episode?!?!?! Looks like this is my lucky day! Gosh willing if only I understood a modicum of cricket this might possibly be a huge deal to me! Is Brett Lee a cross between Bret Favre and Tommy Lee? As in he keeps his teammates at bay every year by holding back his retirement announcement while at the same time entertains Pamela Anderson on a boat? That guy would rule. Or is he a cross between Brett Michaels and Bruce Lee? He hosts a reality show where he gets loose women to try and date him, and the losers get their heads kicked off!!! I would for sure watch that show, that would rule all!

I am probably not that lucky.

Ok, enough stalling, let’s get knee deep into the wacky world of The Wiggles!

We of course start with puppet monkeys, cause what show could start without them?

wait, a double dip of puppet monkeys? Wow!!! A baby says a word that rhymes with ooo, must be goo they say! I was thinking poo. Dang.

Here we go! It’s 4 guys who sing! I had heard that. They are Australian aren’t they?

Thankfully like Star Trek crew members they wear different colored shirts to tell them apart! If they beam down to a planet surface my bets go against the red one.

And they play on the beach! It’s like the Beach Boys, but from Hades! Oh wait, that might describe the actual Beach Boys. Poo.

They are ready to Wiggle! Wiggle their fingers and wiggle their eyes! What? Ready to wiggle my hair? What is wrong with you people? This is taking a gimmick too far! I am for sure not ready to wiggle my hair!

Oh Lord, I just had a vision where I finally make my big breakthrough at an audition, and they want me to be a backup dancer for the Wiggles. I would hate my life…then take the job.

Now they are in my living room! Wow!! We really do live in a Wiggles world.

Wherever I live, that’s my home!!!! And they live in the Wiggle House! let’s take a journey about how you all moved in. Thankfully they had costumed characters to help them move. I moved last year, I don’t remember any giant costumed octopus coming to help me. I gotta move to Australia, they got it all figured out.

They have a chair with a clock face on it by the way. They could be Batman Villains from 1969.

Oh man, I’m too loaded to watch fast motion right now, yet there they go. Dang it. There I almost go. Must stay strong!

Anthony is thoughtful and shrewd. They could not find him while moving, but he showed up at the end with a basket of fruit. Hmm they still think it’s cool but he still sounds like a guy who avoided work by buying a fruit basket. Good plan if you ask me.

Let’s learn about Dorothy the dancing dinosaur. Why not? Let’s learn more about Anthony. He will teach us about the letter C. I’ve known many women who were the letter C, but this is probably not the forum to discuss such. Instead, let’s watch a mock pirate dance! YAY!!!

Wow, this is the worst dance I have ever seen in my life. That misshapen golem kid from the Goonies has better moves than these folks, and he is that misshapen kid from the Goonies!

Oh wait, the purple guy is dancing now with no music and I’ve seen Parkinsons patients who move better.

Now let’s dance with Wags the Dog? Really, Did I need reference to that movie with Hoffman about a fake war? Those Wiggles, and their political commentary! And this clip has got to be from a live show. What a good life to be a kids entertainer, even if you blow, your audience wont know the difference! Note to self.

Let’s move on. Yellow wiggle finds something I think, let’s just move on again.

Kangaroos! Well, they are Australian! Let’s do a bit about kangaroos! Next week, Boomerangs!

Wiggly Animation?!?! Yeah! Frog went walking on a summers day. And met a mouse? Wow, Minorateam has tighter animation than this. Now a pig plays guitar!! Rock on Pig! Play Master of Puppets!!! Hmm, he doesn’t seem to know that song. Instead he follows the melody and snorts, What do I think they had for supper? Fried mosquito and bread and butter? No, that was not what I thought they had for supper, and by the way gross.

An Autumn song! This is soft, even for the Wiggles. At this point my cat Jigglypuff had decided he had enough and demanded to be let out of the room I am watching this in. So I pause to continue, we are only 11 minutes in, oi.

Yellow Wiggle tells me to put sunscreen on, no doubt! I’m a pale MoFo!

Now let’s sing about having fun at the beach. My original assessment was correct! Odd, even the costumed characters show up to not be in the water, why again are we at the beach?

I wonder does being a kids show star mean you have to wear eyeliner all the time? If it does then I am not sure I am ready to make that commitment. Scratch my earlier statements on said matter.

No seriously though, they are still having fun at the beach. I want to bomb the beach.

The dinosaur loves roses! And dancing! How can we combine the 2? Let’s all romp a stomp! Yeah! This does not involves roses, I feel a little let down right now. Who writes this? Oh man, now they are bringing kids into it. The dance is basic, it involves moving nowhere and moving your arms up and down while standing in place. Yet the kids totally are having trouble with it. Dang it, GET FREAKING BUDDING CHILD STARS!!! Even if they are annoying, I know they could flawlessly pull off this dance!

Moving on, let’s go back to when the Wiggles were young. Oh geez, please, let’s not. ‘Oh no, lets’ they say back to me. Let’s play cricket! We have hats and sunscreen, so we’re ready! Is that all it takes? Dang, I’ve been ready my whole life. Oh wait, IT’S M’FING BRETT LEE!!! YAY!!! He has come to pwn the little Wiggles. Wait, they have blurred out his shirt! Did Brett Lee wear a profane t-shirt in a kids show? Brett Lee is officially my favorite sports guy EVER!!! Brett Lee is my freaking hero! no seriously he has something blurred out on his shirt, so even though I guess it’s a corporate sponser that the Wiggles have chosen not to endorse, instead i choose to believe in something far more sinister. Yay Brett Lee!

Let’s get back to adult Wiggles. In Spanish no less! Oi, I still do not know Spanish despite 3 years living in LA. Now they are just showing me up.

A Mexican monkey? and Mexican Wiggles? They all have sombreros, and weird neckerchiefs, I guess they are Mexican Wiggles! Did I hit the motherlode on this show or what? Sadly this song is in full Spanish, and I do not get it. For all I know they are telling me to take all of mom’s jewelry and mail it to the Wiggles. If I had a kids show I think that is what I would do. Wasn’t that an SCTV sketch, or something from Tunnelvision? Whatever, that would rule all.

Moving on they want me to go to ANOTHER Wiggly concert. I though I had already fulfilled my contractual obligation on Wiggly concerts; I was wrong. Is this pointing up and down at the cameras their thing? I am guessing so cause like every person on the show has done it so far. I am tired of it. If I had a kid and they imitated that I would petition the courts for special permission to go Old Testament. But that is just me maybe.

OH YES!! Closing credits!! Praise be!!! LIGHTS CAMERA ACTION THIS SHOW IS OVER!!!

I will say for the record that the Wiggles are not attractive men, Ugly people are non threatening, and kids are safe with non threatening men, this is a proven fact,. Hmm, that being said they probably all date hot strippers. Go Wiggles!

Now an ad for HIgglytown Heros? OH NO!! I already survived that, and I am no ready to see more! That is enough for me!

Now an ad for Daniel Cook! Is this a show? This is Daniel Cook? This is me deleting my recording. W00t!!111

Bottom Line: Wiggles, love to sing. I gotta again state that this is the next generation of Raffi and Sharon Lois and Brahm. If those shows do no give you hives when you remember them, then you are safe with the Wiggles. Just be careful about those cricket players with the profane shirts that need to be blurred out! I tuned in to see the Wiggles and got a late night BET video, who knew??!?

Still, if you let the kids get down while you read Cosmo this might be a good choice, once you find yourself singing along though your life is officially at the halfway point, that being the point of no return, so tread lightly.

-Ray