Archive for the ‘Wrestling Stuff’ Category

I will hurt Omar ‘Slam’ Duncan

Saturday, January 8th, 2011

Next Saturday in Newhall, CA; I will hurt Omar ‘Slam’ Duncan.

I will face him in a ‘Free Brawl’. And this means that the kid gloves are off.

The last time I entered the ring I was blinded for 3 days after. I still gave 8 minutes of what was described as a ‘Great match’.

So look out Omar, I am healed up and ready to beat the living hell out of you.

See you in Newhall.

-Ray

Me on the 6 o’clock news

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

Me now.

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Here is a vid from this past weekend of me wrestling a short match. Notice anything different about me?

Kizarny?

Sunday, October 26th, 2008

I was watching WWE programming, as I am wont to do, and I saw a series of segments promoting a new character; Kizarny.

Let me get this straight, he’s a freaky looking guy with a carnival gimmick who can only speak in shitty Snoop Dogg parody speech? How would he say ‘Off the hizzle fo shizzle’? Izoff thize Hizzizle fizo shizzizle?

Um, yeah, unless something drastic changes soon this guy is not going to get over.

Err, excuse me, thizis gizuy izis nizot gizoing tizo gizet ovizer.

-Ray

ps. Get it? He’s a Carney, but due to his speech problem, his name becomes KIZARNY!!! HA HA HA that WWE creative team, so freaking clever.

Thoughts on RAW

Monday, October 20th, 2008

Ok, I’m just getting around to watching last week’s WWE RAW this afternoon, and I again have a few thoughts on the show;

Chris Jericho is just awesome. He has found the new Jericho character and is just crushing with it. The stipulation of picking Batista’s opponent and vice verse is a pretty good one.

Cyber Sunday is an interesting idea. And by interesting I mean ‘Way to bilk the viewers out of 99 cents per text they send in to vote’.

Charlie Haas sucks. He is not funny. The Hulk Hogan bit tonight was just sad. I mean, it might have been funny, if we had not seen it already done like 900 times before this. Not just that, but Haas did a Jim Ross bit a while ago, and was I the only one wondering why that was OK but the WCW ‘Oklahoma’ character was not kosher? It was the same damn thing!

Anyways, Haas needs to join Kenny Dykstra on the ‘People who need to get off my TV’ list. This impression of more talented wrestlers bit is not working, maybe it would with a more entertaining person doing it. But you can’t take crap in a bag, put a bow on the bag, and try to sell it to me as anything other than crap in a bag.

Might I also add that Michael Cole is not a good actor. That being said when he is made to say/do something not genuine to himself, it comes off as weak. So when he is forced to laugh at the Charlie Haas ‘Comedy’ and talk about how funny it is, it reads untrue. This only adds to the annoyance I feel while watching it, and makes Michael Cole look stupid. I understand that credibility is probably a silly thing to ask for in a pro wrestling announcer, but don’t piss on my shoes and tell me it’s raining.

Why is Johnny Knoxville on RAW? And why won’t he take off his sunglasses? Is it too bright inside in the arena? And way to get ‘celebrities’ whose star burnt out 4 years ago. Does he still even have a show anymore? And to pair him with The Great Khali? Seriously? That’s like throwing up on a puddle of urine. If we are all lucky Khali will kill him like he did that guy from his wrestling school.

ECW was the highest rated show on the Sci Fi network on Tuesday night! Oh wow! That’s like being the least retarded of Sarah Palin’s kids.

How do people watch this show without a FF button? In the last 20 minutes I’ve gotten a commercial break, a John Cena is injured package, and then a boring Randy Orton promo, followed by another commercial break. I cannot believe that that was the highest rated 15 minute segment of the show.

Maybe it’s old news by now, but I am so happy that Shawn Michaels came back. Ok ok that happened years ago, but I just started watching again this year, and it still has magic for me. There was a pretty long period of time back when I watched last where I thought that I would never see an HBK match ever again. HBK is a joy to watch, and saying that does not make me gay, I don’t think.

Hey look it’s William Regal as a lumberjack! Remember when he was a huge star on this show and the world title picture did not seem out of the question? No? Cause it was only like, a few months ago.

This HBK/Batista match is a classic example of one wrestler walking another through a match. HBK sets up Batista for his next move, Batista takes a moment to understand what is going on, then follows through, lather rinse repeat. How long have you been wrestling Dave? Isn’t it about time that you do not need your opponent to hold your hand and walk you through the entire match?

Random thought just hit me; WWE has WAY too many titles. I am having a hard time thinking of a program going on right now that does not involve a title, and come to think of it, there are titles out there that do not even have a program going on for them right now! Let’s think about this for a sec;
We have a World Title, a Secondary Title, a Women’s Title, and Tag titles FOR EACH SHOW. Add to that an ECW title and that makes 11 belts spread through 2.5 shows. I mean, there are what, 20 wrestlers on RAW and Smackdown, with maybe 15 more on ECW? That makes 11 title holders out of 55 wrestlers. so 20% of all the wrestlers are champions of some kind. This makes being a champion very not special, and the fact that it would seem everyone on the roster has held some title of some kind at one point adds to this effect. In wrestling, titles are a prop, this should be known by now. But that being said the prop has no effect if it’s passed around like the one chick in the D&D group. They at minimum need to cut it down to a singular tag team champion duo, and a singular women’s champion. Cause let’s be honest, people do not give 2 farts to the wind about the extra title holders. Can you name both show’s tag champs and women’s champs without having to think? That’s what I thought, it means nothing already, hack it down to make it special.

Someone get that T-shirt off of Bam Neely, he looks freaking horrible with it on. Look, you are either a menacing, impressive presence or you are not. You cannot be a bodyguard if you need to be hidden by a T-shirt. So either get him into the gym so he can take his shirt off without embarrassing himself, or get him the hell off my TV.

Santino Marella is a joy. His pairing with Beth Phoenix is inspired. The character of the wrestler who needs his girlfriend to beat people up for him is always an entertaining one, and these 2 pull off the angle with style and grace and artistry.

Oh my God, Johnny Knoxville sucks. Can’t even take a bodyslam??? I taught an improv comedian how to take one in 2 minutes at a party once. Granted when it finally came to fruition and I slammed him in a real ring he needed time to recover from the impact. But don’t worry about that, Knoxville sucks at life and now he adds to that by sucking as a wrestler.

And now we have man junk from untalented douchebags all over the ring. Remind me again why this is a good idea?

HOLY SHIT IT’S THE M’FING BOOGEYMAN!!! OMG!!! LOL!!1 11!!1111

And now he is gone and replaced by the black hole of fan interest: The Great Khali.

And Knoxville bangs his head violently on the canvas taking a bump. What a dumbass. Who ‘Trained’ him for this bit? The year 2003?

Crime Tyme is crazy over with the live crowds. PT Barnum once said that ‘Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American People‘.

Miz and Morrison rule. Jillian might have a stupid gimmick with the bad singing thing, but it does get over, so no shame there.

Remind me again what the difference between Kelly Kelly and Michelle McCool is again? Cause I can’t tell one from another without buying a program first.

WTF was the point of that move??? Kelly Kelly just grabbed Jillian by the right hand, beat her with kicks and punches before taking her to the corner where she jumped up the ropes one at a time to land on the top rope, do a back flip, then reverse the hold (which she was applying) into a clothesline. Couldn’t she have just simply given her a clothesline without all that needless jumping around? FUCK, that is what’s wrong with wrestlers today in one short breath.

15 years ago Crime Tyme would have been the biggest heels in WWE(F), today they are crazy over as faces, just to show where wrestling crowds are at nowadays. It’s the same reason why my dick cheating heel character I do keeps getting over as a face with the crowds so I have to turn everywhere I go eventually. I think someone smarter than me could write a thesis on this.

Seeing Jericho with that gigantic title belt around his waist makes me tear up a little each time I see it.

Does Role Models look like the shittiest movie since American Pie: The Naked Mile? I mean, give me one reason why I am not supposed to see that little black kid as anything but a colossal asshole? He talks shit, breaks things, ruins people’s days, then lies about it to their face. I guess in today’s society that makes him a babyface champion. Ugh.

Hmm, CM Punk? I like CM Punk, but I guess I was hoping for some ‘out of the box’ booking here. No offense, but Ultimate Warrior would have popped the crowd more. And Batista is special guest ref? Huh? Why? I get why Jericho was able to change up his hand picked match earlier, but why does Big Dave get to make his own stipulations again?

Holy crap, I get it, Batista has a wycked tattoo on his back, but do I need him to wear a ref shirt with a giant hole in the back to remind me? The damn thing looks like a hospital gown. And might I add that there is NOTHING in this world more manly and menacing than a hospital gown!!!

CM Punk VS. Chris Jericho was entertaining, despite Batista as ref. Who knew that if you take 2 talented wrestlers and let them wrestle, that the result would be something worth watching?

THE END

Show is over, thumbs wavering down on the whole show, there is just too much stupid and pointless to overtake the awesome and brilliant going on right now.

-Ray

Comments on Smackdown

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

So, I’m trying to watch my DVR recording of WWE Smackdown tonight, when my viewing felt very short.

Maybe because there was very little to actually watch on the show.

I fast forwarded until 34 minutes into the show to finally find something worth watching. I mean, I could watch a 30 minute HHH promo where he puts himself over instead of the people he’s supposed to elevating, but why bother? He’s been doing the same promo for like a decade now, if you can’t paint it by the numbers, I question how long you have been watching WWE. I thought I saw Jeff Hardy in there somewhere, let me guess, HHH was snarky to him. I did not watch it, I just assume that happened, and somewhere in there Jeff tried to talk but failed.

Let me also say that I watch the matches, I could give a crap less about the same old promos that they shove down our throats each and every week. So every time I see someone in the ring with a mic, I usually just FF them unless their name is Chris Jericho.

Anyways, i skipped the same boring HHH promo and for my own sanity I skipped over the womens match because they are also universally unwatchable. I swear to God nothing exposes the business like a WWE women’s match, especially one that involves anyone not named Beth Phoenix or Mickey James. In this case it is the team of Maryse, Victoria, and Natalya vs. the team of Auto Zone, McDonalds, and Pirates of the Caribbean Online! Oh wait, it’s the team of Michelle McCool, Maria, and Brie Bella. In other words FAST FUCKING FORWARD!!!

For the record, I did not think anyone could be more horrible than Maria in the ring. . . then I saw a Brie Bella match. Dear God, if they care so little about the business why don’t we just show the workers talking about the matches ahead of time on TV as well? that would expose the busniess less than Brie Bella in the ring.

Now here we are, 34 minutes in, and the most watchable thing so far is a match between Chavo Guerrero and R (Don’t call me K-Kwik even though I suck like him) Truth. And that match while entertaining goes to a lame DQ. Now Bam Neely turns on Chavo! Now I hit the FF button!

Hey look it’s HHH making snarky comments towards Shelton Benjamin! God willing he puts him over as real competition, I mean, who’d want to see HHH in a match that contains fan interest? Obviously not HHH.

FF.

Now we are 45 minutes into the show, and Jesse and Festus show up to be actually entertaining. Let’s see Kenny Dykstra cut a promo! Yay! Remind me again why they give a mic to jobbers again? And we get a squash match that ends with no decision, cause who wants that? Jesse and Festus duct tape Dykstra to a movers dolly and they cart him off. Umm, Ok, people get paid to write this correct? I guess monkeys need work too.

Wow, now we get a whole segment devoted to flashbacks of a PPV that I was not interested enough to buy. Yay!

FF.

Wow, I hear there will be a fatal 4 way match to determine who will face HHH at the next PPV! Hmm, 3 midcard heels and Jeff Hardy, wonder what will happen?!

Here we are at 1:09 into the show and we finally get something actually watchable. Vladamir Kozlov is awesome. He is an old school style wrestler who crushes people and does not need 20 minute promos to get over. The rest of the roster should take notes. Sadly I am guessing this is the highpoint of the show, and when the highpoint is a squash, you gots you some problems.

Hey look, it’s HHH acting snarky to The Brian Kendrick! God willing he put him over as legitimate competition, or anyone for that matter. Ah well he owns the company in a few years, let him do what he wants.

Wait, the tag team champs are seriously Edge’s jobber friends? Wow, that makes me sad. And they are facing Carlito and his less interesting, less talented brother? Well, I got 2 letters for this match; FF.

Hey look, it’s HHH acting snarky towards MVP! God willing he make any up and coming performer look like legitimate competiton. Hey wait, have I made similar comments before? Wow, major Deja Vu!

Now we have a fatal 4 way match that I am guessing will take about 10 minutes more to get started! And we go to commercial before it does.

And now the match starts! And now we go quickly to ANOTHER commercial. Awesome, just once I’d like to see them go to commercial in the middle of one of the many boring HHH ‘I’m so much better than you’ promos so that the matches could get full time, that would be the day.

And we’re back! And it’s a midcard heels beat up Jeff Hardy match! If only the 3 heels involved were not so much more talented than Jeff Hardy. I mean, they might have more talent and future, but at least they don’t cause as many problems outside the ring as Jeff Hardy! Hey wait, why are they pushing Jeff Hardy instead of any of these 3 again?

MVP vs. Shelton is highly watchable and interesting, sad that nobody in the crowd seems to care.

I like how when Jeff Hardy goes for one of these lame high risk moves that are pretty much all he does, JR has to inform us that the move connected EVERY TIME. You know, cause our own eyes that saw it clearly miss are obviously not working.

Oh, what are the odds? Jeff Hardy won! Congrats Jeff, I hope you have a good time putting HHH over on the next PPV, that is if you can stay off the meth long enough to not get suspended first.

And now Vladamir Kozlov comes in to make me happy and just BRUTALIZES Jeff Hardy!!!

Well, that was a just God awful show with a happy ending.

Why do they call Smackdown the B-Show again? Oh yeah, this is why.

-Ray

Thoughts on RAW

Tuesday, August 5th, 2008

Just finishing watching WWE RAW here, I’ve sobered up a little, and I had a few thoughts on the show tonight.

Chris Jericho’s new gimmick is awesome. I love what he is doing, it is really hard to honestly go from being a fan favorite to hated heel organically. Jericho has taken all the flash and brash out of his act, and the new character tweak is really fresh. Usually when people go from face to heel, they still cling to their old stuff (Catchphrases, attitude, demeanor) and they never truly get over as bad guys. I look at HHH, Batista, and Shawn Michaels who all did the heel try over the past year. All 3 of them got cheered anyways, and then went back to their old roles. Jericho has cut his hair, changed his ring attire, took the flare out of his entrance, and cuts promos completely differently now. Only one more change left to make, he’s gotta change his entrance music. His music still has the rock star good feelin vibe that he is trying to kill. I don’t know how he should change it, but it’s gotta go, and I love his music. But anyways I finally noticed that the crowds are not cheering for him anymore, and that is truly an awesome feat.

If Matt Stryker is on permanent jobber duty, then why is he getting mic time? They don’t give Super Crazy, Jimmy Wang Yang, and Val Venis mic time anymore now that they are not featured performers. Why does Matt get it? Do they seriously think that he’s actually going to get over with the same song and dance that hasn’t gotten over despite years of trying?

Oh yeah, back to Jericho, they did the right thing putting JBL over and giving him the alone title shot at Summer Slam. Jericho can use this defeat to get more bitter, and let it really build and build as he gets ‘screwed’ out of title shots one time after another, until finally he gets his shot at a big show like Royal Rumble or dare I say it, Wrestlemania. The longer they screw him in the meantime, the better the eventual match will be.

John Cena vs. Batista could go down as one of the best matches on paper that will suck goat balls. I do not want to say that either is a terrible performer, but they both are limited as to what they do. Both guys follow basically the same formula, punch punch punch kick clothesline. This works fine in most of their matches cause they only need to be on offense about 20% of the time, as the heels dominate them for most of the time. However, when they are matched up against each other, somebody is going to have to do a wrestling move somewhere. So unless one of them steps it up and suddenly acquires HHH’s moveset, this is going to be 16 minutes of punch punch punch kick clothesline, while 7 minutes into the match people go and buy hotdogs and use the restroom. I have the solution, and it’s not one that fans are going to like. You have to book this match short, like 8 minutes or less, and make the ending unsatisfying. This will serve to not expose either performer, allow both to retain some heat, and set up a hopefully more satisfying rematch somewhere down the line. Of course this does not actually solve the problem of how to make a good match between these 2, but it does delay the problem til a later time and who knows what will happen between then and now.

I am convinced that the only reason that the Great Khali is getting a title shot against HHH is because HHH thinks that he can be the guy to get a watchable match out of him. Maybe he is that guy, then again maybe Khali will kill him in the ring like he did that guy from his wrestling school. Hope not.

I like Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase Jr. alot as performers. But watching their main event match tonight told me that they were not ready to carry the straps. Them losing the titles tonight was for the best. I think that they will rightfully get the titles back, but they are just not main event performers yet, and your tag title holders need to be ready for that main event. But when the champs are in the main event and are almost an after thought, and treated like jobbers, and not able to get their personalities over, that is a problem. Good move getting the titles off of them. They will in future be really good, but they need more time and seasoning to establish themselves and their act before they really should wear those belts again.

I am so very glad to see William Regal on my TV again. He rules, and I hope that his push will continue now that he is back. His heat still seems to be there, if he was to break through and win the title, that would pwn, given time and the right push, he could carry that strap proudly.

Ok, there is probably more, but that is all I got for now.

-Ray

Funny Vid

Friday, May 16th, 2008

So Rob Van Dam is training with the Ultimate Warrior to get him ready for a return to the ring. And thusly we get this video as RVD does his impression of UW, and then UW comes in an interrupts him. Funny stuff.

Back in the ring again?

Monday, April 28th, 2008

A little sparring from this past weekend.

Note to the WWE

Thursday, April 10th, 2008

Please please please get Maria off of my TV.

She is an embarrassment to the entire industry.

I appreciate that she posed nude in Playboy. Good for her. This does not make her good on TV.

What do i enjoy more? Her promos where a 12 year old acting student could be more believable, or her matches where a 12 year old acting student could be more believable? Every time she steps foot in the ring she exposes the industry.

I would rather watch Kris Sprules vs Cage Tyler on repeat for 10 straight hours than watch 2 minutes of a Maria ‘match’.

Well, if she has a good theme song, has a good pose, and looks attractive, who cares if she looks like utter shit in the ring? Well, most people, that’s who. Need I mention that the Maria ‘Bunnymania’ match at WM24 was the time when most people went to the bathroom? Both in the arena and at home, they went away til that garbage was over.

Maria = Good for concession stands across the nation.

I’m not sure what is more fun to watch, Maria throwing her shitty kicks, or her one ‘highspot’ where she tries to be Sonya Blade from Mortal Kombat and does a shitty handstand, leading to a more shitty hurricanrana, unless her opponent gets the idea to kick her unset hands out from underneath her, thus negating the entirety of her patented shitty offense.

Please get her the hell of of my DVR fast forward button. That time could go to someone worth watching. As I said before, every time she is on air, it exposes the industry, and pisses me off cause I actually have respect for the industry.

-Ray