Archive for the ‘Stupid Stuff’ Category

Tattoo?

Thursday, June 9th, 2011

Ok, so I was thinking about getting my first tattoo.

It’s a little out there, but tell me what ya think;

It’d be a knuckle tattoo, kind like those douchebags and bikers who have ‘Love’ and ‘Hate’ on their knuckles.

Except for me the right hand would be two different words on top of each other. ‘Jerk’ and ‘Poop’

The left hand would be 2 words on top of each other, ‘Nose’ and ‘Face’

And that way I could totally use my hands to demonstrate every time I use my new catchphrase/insult ‘Jerknose Poopface’!!!!!!!111

And what makes it even better is I could then also align my hands up or down and also create the words ‘Jerkface’ and also ‘Poopnose’!!!

I mean, this may be the best idea I’ve ever had!

Melissa tells me in no uncertain terms that I should not do it.

Discuss….

-Ray

Try this.

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

Click HERE

Because it made me laugh.

-Ray

Craig’s List Experiment

Saturday, July 18th, 2009

Ok, I like to do this every once in a while to see what happens. This is the experiment i referenced in the earlier post.

I posted 3 differently toned Craig’s List personal ads a couple days ago and wanted to see what kind of responses I would get based on the ads.

I got ALOT of responses to all 3. And I doubt all of them. For the record, I placed 3 ads. One ‘Real’ ad, one ‘Defiant/Confrontational’ ad, and one ‘Asshole’ ad. I was curious to see what responses each would get. I posted each in the same night, roughly a half hour apart from each other.

Before I get to the responses, here are the ads I placed (Sorry if you read this after they take them down post 7 days, but here are the links attached for proof if you read this before that happens);

AD 1: Realistic

Creepy and Weird Desired – 29 (East LA)

Ok, I’m tall and sarcastic with a shaved head.

I am looking for someone delightful who doesn’t fit into the mainstream, I am so tired of these boring LA people and need a fresh change. I just would like an alternative, nerdy, neurotic lady who is looking for a guy who will appreciate them for the odd centerpiece that they are.

I prefer tallish, and athletic to average builds.

If that fits you and you are a real person (For serious, am I right?), let me know. Pics are preferred. I know, I didn’t give one, but if you are willing to take a chance, I am willing to give back.

Ad 2: Defiant/Confrontational

You don’t exist – 30

This town has drained me. I’m looking for someone who doesn’t make me want to put a gun in my mouth after 30 seconds of conversation.

If you weigh over 150, don’t bother unless you are over 6 feet tall.

I challenge you to exist, cause I don’t believe you do in LA.

Ad 3: Asshole (Ok, I’m not proud of this, for the sake of full disclosure I’m posting it word for word)

Ima whip your ass – 31 (Hollywood)

No BS here.

I want to tie you up, tease your clit, and play with your ass.

Odds are I will not respect you, nor will I care. I just have gone too long without some serious BDSM play, and am looking for some young talent who want an audition.

I’m a medium/athletic 6’4 with pale skin.

Send pictures, not your problems.

I sat back and anticipated all the e-mails to come pouring in.

And they did.

No shit, within 24 hours I got over 75 responses.

Sad thing is, I am pretty sure that each and every one of them was from a spammer with not a single real person among them. For reals, I got a shitload of e-mails from these ads, and not a single one I decided was real. It was to the point that I would have seriously dated any real response, and I got none.

Let’s get to these responses;

First one came in quickly! 15 minutes into this test I got my first email, from Moria Prince;

i keep getting errors when i try to send pix saying its too big for
craigslist, can i send them directly? maybe i will upload them to a
website???

That is a response? Really? Sounded like bullshit to me, oh yeah, that because it was. Let’s move on…

‘Walter Kenney’ wrote me next, saying the following;

hi there.

I dont use email very much so you if you wanna talk to me heres my
aim: krystal3900

bye~ talk to you soon.

-Crys

Let me just say right now that first step in understanding that this person is not real is…The e-mail address says one name while the message says another. I mean seriously??? how dumb do these spammers think we are? Are people that desperate that they get an e-mail from Walter and don’t mind that the message is from Krystal???

Moving on, I got an e-mail for one of my other ads from a ‘Phil Shoemaker’. This e-mail said…

hi there.

I dont use email very much so you if you wanna talk to me heres my
aim: krystal3900

bye~ talk to you soon.

-Crys

I mean seriously??? What the fuck??? Never mind that the e-mails come from the address of some guy. In my reasoning, if some response needs to you to go through a 3rd party dating site or other means of communication, then once again, they are a fake. I was not left undaunted though. I now wanted to believe more than ever that Craig’s List had a special someone out there for either me or an alter ego of me!

Hi Linda Barker! What do you have to say???

Hi! your post kind of popped out at me while I had been getting around Craigslist I believe that we may be right. You and I can just go ahaed and sawp pictures and so e-mail me bcak at audriae9pd@gmail.com and I’ll get you mine and Id like yurs as well. Adios!

Well the typos alone would be enough to make me hate you. But the fact that this e-mail comes from one address, and asks me to go through a different address to make contact (And one that seems to have a different name mind you) causes me to believe that this shit is once again, FRAUD!

So sad, because I thought Linda Barker might actually be the one.

Actually, I got ALOT of e-mails that were very similar to the one you just read. generically boring yet showing interest. Asking me to start e-mailing a totally separate address with a seemingly totally different name. Oi, can I get just one real response???

Will you be real, Mr. Wilbur Davidson???

hi there.

I dont use email very much so you if you wanna talk to me heres my
aim: krystal3900

bye~ talk to you soon.

-Crys

GOD DAMN IT!!! AGAIN??? By now all three of my ads have been published, and the bullshit may commence full tilt.

How did my ‘Asshole Ad’ strike you Mitchell Hayden???

Hey, I just saw your ad. how you doing?

What the hell kind of response is that? I just said that I didn’t care about your feelings, I wanted to tie you down, and then play with your ass!!! All you have to respond with was a milquetoast ‘How you doing’??? Fuck you that’s how I’m doing!!! Even if you are real I wouldn’t give a fuck if you formed a voodoo cult against me! What kind of lame bullshit to something so strong is that???

Thankfully the next one was better;

Deeanna Dittmer chimed in with…

Hey, I just saw your ad. how you doing?

FUCK! Will the next e-mail save me???

Kiak Rull wants to know…

Hey, I just saw your ad. how you doing?

Ok, for reals now? Are there any real people actually on Craigs List???

A few e-mails (that were exactly the same as others I’ve mentioned) later I get one with a picture! Huzzah! I won’t post the picture but here is the text from my new angel; Womi James…

hello
my name is womi.
i am interested in you, 23 from Nigeria.

When is the rage supposed to subside??? Now I not only have Fakey McFakertons e-mailing me, but now a Nigerian scam as well. Fucking awesome!!!

I quickly forget that e-mail, as I get one from ‘Kim Walker’ that wants me to e-mail her at TiffanyBradley@###.com I cannot express how many e-mails exactly like that one that I got. I understand that desperation has caused many people to do and believe many things. But are there really people gullible enough to return interest from someone who asks them to call them a totally different name? If you are guilty of this then I pity you. I have wanted to love many people that were not worthy. I have wanted to love many people who were not ready for me. I have NEVER wanted to love somebody who at first said their name was Kim Walker but then after 10 seconds asked me to call them Tiffany Bradley. Just sayin…

Oh cool! Someone replied to my ‘Asshole’ ‘Ima whip your ass’ posting! You know, the ones that asked for no problems, just pictures.

i keep getting errors when i try to send pix saying its too big for
craigslist, can i send them directly? maybe i will upload them to a
website???

Maybe you will. Maybe you’re a fucking moron. Maybe I don’t care. For the record, over the 24 hours I got this same message to all 3 postings a various times. At least this one broke it up a little. not like my friend ‘Veronica’

Hi
I just read your post in craigslist. I am looking for someone too, I’m aslo 31 years old. i tired to send you my pic in this email but it didn’t work, so i posted my picture in http://loookingfordate.freesuperhost.com . the link is to a dating site which I have a profile on. you may need to login, but signup is free anyway. i can’t write somethings that i want to say in this email because my ex has my email password. so can you use that to contact me plz? after you signup, search for my id annabella90 . its very simple. if this looks like too much of a hassle then don’t worry about it. I just thought we may have something common when i read your post.
bye veronica

Not to be confused with ‘Dianna’

Hi
I just read your post in craigslist. I am looking for someone too, I’m aslo 30 years old. i tired to send you my pic in this email but it didn’t work, so i posted my picture in http://loookingfordate.freesuperhost.com . the link is to a dating site which I have a profile on. you may need to login, but signup is free anyway. i can’t write somethings that i want to say in this email because my ex has my email password. so can you use that to contact me plz? after you signup, search for my id fantasticgurl5 . its very simple. if this looks like too much of a hassle then don’t worry about it. I just thought we may have something common when i read your post.,
bye dianna

or ‘Alissa’

Hi
I just read your post in craigslist. I am looking for someone too, I’m aslo 29 years old. i tired to send you my pic in this email but it didn’t work, so i posted my picture in http://loookingfordate.freesuperhost.com . the link is to a dating site which I have a profile on. you may need to login, but signup is free anyway. i can’t write somethings that i want to say in this email because my ex has my email password. so can you use that to contact me plz? after you signup, search for my id fantasticgurl5 . its very simple. if this looks like too much of a hassle then don’t worry about it. I just thought we may have something common when i read your post.,
bye alissa

At least those e-mails made me feel kinda gushy inside. Like I was a person that mattered! But that sassy ‘Asshole’ ad kept getting traffic! Remember when I said that I didn’t care about you and just wanted to play with your ass? Well here was a delightful response to such an offer;

Hi there! I am someone who isnt into games,and looking for the same. I love anything with to do with cars and motorcyles. I love to joke around and have a good time but know when to be serious. I am up for trying new things. I am looking for someone to have fun with and maybe see where it goes from there. Who knows maybe there could be something there or maybe a good friendship could develop. hit me up!

Please click here If You want view my pics and call me!!
(gookitty107)

Hey ‘GooKitty107′ that sounds awesome…and totally fucking generic! Try actually pretending to read my post before sending me your run of the mill response next time! And for the record ‘GooKitty107′??? That just sounds gross to me. Like something that the Ghostbusters would fight in a hotel. ‘Get the trap set Egon, we got to take down this GooKitty!!!’

Oh yeah, for the record ‘GooKitty’ also wrote me 3 times with the same generic bullshit. Once for each ad, thanks GooKitty!

A few more ‘I claim my name is one thing yet ask you to e-mail someone else’ e-mails later I got another response with a pic!!! (Pic not shown) A fat goth with a tattooed chest named ‘Anthony Rapstine’ wrote me (In pink type font!) to say;

will you donate roses for plaing with mt ass,no sexual acts,my name is Rachel,I am 19,sorry you see a guys name but I dont want people having my email,sending pic.

Huh? I’m not even sure I understand this crap? So you want me to play with your ass but nothing sexual??? Hmm, not sure I can live with that sweetcakes.

‘Megan Turner’ wanted to chime in next;

Heya! I just got here and I don’t really have many friends yet. Im really just on here to chat with and maybe meet new people to do stuff with. I would like to hear back from you but youll have 2 message me on kimmcknightom96@gmail.com b/c I had some problems on here with junkmail when I responded to other ads before. Hoping to hear from u.

This is one that I like to call ‘The New Girl’ approach. Kinda self explanatory I figure. But basically the person described (Despite once again showing one name then suggesting another) wants me to know that they are new in town and need friends. Mmm hmm. And the best way to meet new long lasting friends is to respond to Craig’s List ads of people who say they don’t care about you, and just want to play with your ass. I mean, that’s what I do when I move to a new area, don’t you?

Hey another picture!!

Awesome! She looks cute! It must be cold where she is! But at least she loves the Lord and that should keep her warm! But what does this ‘Therese West’ have to say???

Hey whats going on? Do you wanna go out with me only once, twice,
three times….doesn’t matter? I’m your girl.Let me say that I’m 5’4,
115 lbs and 24 y/o. If i sound like someone (or look like, i attached
a pic) that you might be interested in then reply to my email.

Awesome!!! I’m totally going to write this chick back! Oh wait…in the same minute I got the same exact e-mail again with the same picture. Oh wait…shit…the minute still isn’t up yet and I got the same exact shit a THIRD time. Well, either Therese West knows exactly what she wants and she is so fast she could respond to all 3 of my ads within A SINGLE MINUTE or once again the shit is not real. Damn it.

From here it got a little boring, as Zenaida Baum wanted to know 3 times over;

Hello

Are you still avialable????

xoxoxoxo

Typos are cute if I am looking for a moron. No excuse that you’d still fuck it up on the third try though. Goodbye Zenaida Baum, I thought you were special.

Now I think that the people from Dateline NBC started coming after me. I got a couple e-mails from people willing to send pics. These pics were labeled things such as ‘Me-17′ and the like. Nice try Chris Hansen and Perverted Justice!!! But I am not going to fall for your games today!

And here is another fascinating type of e-mail that I got OFTEN through the 24 hour period. The ‘I’m new to the internet so don’t judge me cause I put my pictures up on the first website I ever made’ story…

Hey I just created this email account to reply to ur CL post. Have you found anyone?…I would give you my phone number & real email but last time I did that some obsessive guy kept on calln & emailing me like non-stop…had to change it for that reason. Anyways I made a personal web page with photos of me…don’t laugh it’s my 1st web page I ever made lol :)

http://www.jessica69latina.webs.com

LOL I am totally laughing at you and your weak crap! And the dozen or so others who sent me almost word for word the same thing caused me to LOL too!!!

How about the following, sent to me within a minute (By total coincidence) by Waldir Junior, Rajesh Durkhure, and Dejan Dobrotinsek;

wassup my name is kelly i was looking on cl u seemed interesting u shud hit me up click here

Now wait a second. That is not Kelly! I know Kelly! She would never say wassup! At least not without capitalizing it! And for the record the ‘Click here’ would have taken me to a ‘Meet young singles’ website…FAIL

Gary Kaiser sent me 3 banal messages not worth reprinting here, and that is saying something!

Donald Pierce sent me 2.

So did Soila Hershberger and Carolynn Baldon. Carolynn was a really bad girl! she said the following;

Hi sweetie,

Let me start by saying – I’m married. Did that scare you? If you’re
still reading this, great! I’m in my upper 30′s and so desperately
needing to get taken care of by a strong but kind guy (preferably well
endowned but I’m not choosy). My current relationship isn’t all it’s
cracked up to be and my husband, as decent a man as he is, just isn’t
doing it for me in bed. But I’m not gonna get into that. I’d much
rather focus on building a connection with someone else. I’m not
looking for anything long-term. This is strictly casual. I’m witty,
athletic, and outgoing. I like your description of yourself in the ad.
Please please please consider me for a date? ;)

I prefer to keep this a secret so I am a member of a
married-but-looking type of dating website. Meetings will be
facilitated by them. I’m the paying member of the site, not you. But
I figure if the guy can spring for a good meal and a romantic place,
that makes it fair, don’t you think? ;) You’ll be able to see my pics
and we can chat as well. So don’t take too long! I’m online between
9a and 4p local time. The hubby is at work during these hours.

Here’s my profile link. Sign up and you’ll find my profile.

http://redirx.com/?spvg

screen name is Lacy1

Hope to see you :)

Oh wait, did I mention that Soila sent me the same word for word message? I didn’t? Did I need to?

Oh Dear Lord. I’m at my wits end and about to give up. Maybe this last response from ‘Little Bird’ will set me straight?!?!?!

Hello!
I am mailing you regarding your post.
I find your ad interesting.
I am pretty looking lady. I am coming to your place in couple of weeks.
and looking for a man to show me your area.
This way we could know each other better.
I am going to send you my snap when you reply.
I am coming from European part.
I am not spam like most.
Hasta la bye bye

Maybe not.

So, in short, I got over 75 responses to my 3 ads in the first 24 hour period. Near as I can tell, not a single one was real. Not a single one was even close to real. Let’s be straight, all of them were totally see through bullshit trying to scam me one way or another.

This has caused me to think that anyone who uses Craig’s List for any purpose other than receiving copious amounts of spam is an idiot.

75+ responses, not a single real one. The numbers speak for themselves. If you ever get the notion to look for love on the Craig’s List. Please reread this again, and then slap yourself in the face with a hockey stick.

As for me, i will continue the chart these waters by myself…

As Craig’s List would desire.

-Ray

Keyboard Cat meets Chuck Norris

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

I’m so sorry, but I cannot watch this, or any other Keyboard Cat video without laughing so hard tears come out, and a little bit of pee pee;

Watchmen Saturday Morning Cartoon

Monday, March 16th, 2009

This is just…..wow.

Oh My Mother

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

So here is an e-mail conversation that I had with my Mother today.

If you know not of my Mother, it’s OK, only a few do;

Anything new going on?

Are you able to visit with us when we come in the last week of June to Los Angeles? I need to attend a three day conference on that weekend, but we could either come on the beginning of the week or the beginning of the next week to visit you. What’s good for YOU?

How are the cats?

Mom

Ok, so no problem so far. Pretty normal stuff. Hey she even asked about my kittys! Cool! That’s always how it starts. My response;

> i am sure that either will be fine, just let me know what you want to do.
>
> the cats are doing just fine! thanks!

So there you go, again, fairly straightforward. A couple more banal e-mails pass by and then I get a nice, short e-mail from her, the kind I was expecting all along. Kinda like when a friend calls you up that never just calls and then asks about how your day has been, and then after 30 seconds of that tells you some earth shaking piece of info. So here is the short e-mail I was waiting for the whole time;

No girlfriend?

That was it. No signature, no glitter, just a simple 2 word e-mail. I felt that this deserved a 2 word response;

> Ha! No.

To which I quickly got in response;

Why “Ha, no”?

It is at this point that I know I cannot win. Perhaps she thinks that I am her best chance at Grandkids, perhaps she still worries that I’m totally gay, perhaps she still thinks it would be best for me if I moved to Grand Rapids next door and married a girl with good birthing hips. When in doubt I just come back with the honesty as I see it;

> i laugh because I know that if you had your druthers, you would be calling me to ask that question 5 times a morning. :)

To get the ultimate statement of stone cold facts laid out in front of my face in return;

You are almost 32 years old!

Hey thanks Mom! You know I still am technically closer to 31 than I am to 32. And I know that in every corner of my family I should be working on my 3rd kid easily by now, but maybe, just maybe I don’t walk that path, just saying. I honestly did not respond to that last e-mail, because seriously, what is there to say? It’s just a roundabout argument that can have no winner, just one person’s desires put ahead of another.

I do not know, how do you go about explaining to your own Mother that you are honestly trying to make something great happen for yourself, and that you will never be happy unless you do everything in your power to achieve your dreams? And sometimes along the way that might preclude you from having a wife and kids, a home in the suburbs with a nice white picket fence, and a job at an ad agency selling gutters during Jerry Springer?

There may be no correct answer. I am fully convinced that she would rather see me with the wrong woman than no woman at all. And this is where the fundamental divide happens.

As the song says, ‘So it goes my friend, so it goes.’

-Ray

Another Proud Day For This Site

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

Oh yes, what a Monday! Great things are happening on all sides, and I do not want to mention them specifically for fear that they will all show themselves to be mirages.

But just when I thought today couldn’t get any better I went and checked out the stats for this website. There is a feature on the stats page that allows me to see what keywords people have typed into search engines to find this website. Yesterday someone found this site looking for…’diarrhea similes

Yes, some guy was sitting at home thinking to himself, ‘Hmm, I wonder if I can find a website that might fill my informational need for diarrhea similes? Hey, what is this AlmightyRay.com site? This might do the trick, Ima click here!’

So thanks to whomever was out there yesterday looking for diarrhea similes, you have made my life complete.

-Ray

Addendum: I just went to Google and did a search for diarrhea similes. This site came up 6th, right after actual dictionaries and English tools. The page linked to was my torching of the animated atrocity Superjail. So, um, there ya go.

Admitted Phobia

Sunday, December 21st, 2008

So, a few days ago I was confronted with one of my many strange phobias/OCD moments and I thought I would mention it.

I have a strange fear that I am going to drop my keys in the mailbox when I go to mail out a letter.

Here is an artist’s depiction of the mailbox near my apartment, thirsting hungrily for my keys;

Hey Ray, your keys taste GOOD!!!

Is this weird? I mean, I visualize myself doing it every time I go to use a big blue mailbox. And this compulsion makes even less sense when you consider that I still worry about it even if my keys are in my pants pocket!

I mean sure, if they are in my hand and my hand is going near the slot, it would warrant mild concern. But it’s something that just pops in there every single time! And then I start running through the scenarios of what I would do when I invariably drop the keys in the mail slot. I would try calling the post office, maybe wait around til the collection time, I don’t know.

I suppose in lieu of actual things to be concerned with I need to make some up. But like, wouldn’t it suck to drop your keys in the mailbox?

I say yes, and you agree.

Maybe I just need more real stress in my life to help push this particular one out?

-Ray

Thought for the day

Friday, September 12th, 2008

Here is a little something I penned;

Grandpa Japan!

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

I don’t know if I can post this correctly, but check out this video, it stomps balls.

http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/grandpajapan.wmv

-Ray