Archive for the ‘For the Ladies’ Category

Sorry Texas Ladies…

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

I made a realization last night while in my sickly haze.

I do not think I could ever date a female who hailed from the great state of Texas.

I’ve just noticed that young ladies from Texas and me just plain do not jive together. They don’t get me, and I don’t get them. This is not to say anything disparaging about the lovely young Texan ladies. It’s just that in this, they are totally wrong, because I am awesome.

I don;t know for sure what it is. But Texans don’t seem to understand the language of sardonic biting wit. There is a certain thing that Midwesterners have in common, and that is a sassy, sarcastic way about them. I think it’s a gene that you acquire through drinking Faygo and plowing snow.

But when I am my typical charming self around delightful Texans, I tend to get strange blank stares. It’s as if I just tried to explain thermodynamics in Chinese to them. there is a polite smile, and a quick departure.

Also, why aren’t Texans ever in a hurry to do anything? Whether it be walking, speaking, or thinking, I’ve noticed that those folks never seem to be able to get to where it is they are trying to go with any expediency at all. You ever been to a theme park with a Texan? It’s death. Slow, slow, meandering death. I think you get to go on like, 2 rides before the sun goes down. They don’t want to do the activities that the theme park would lay out for you. No, they just want to wander around the park and look at things with a slightly agape smile. This also does not jive with me.

So, in short, I apologize to all the Texan ladies out there. But I don’t get you, and you clearly do not get me. This is a shame, because Texas women I’ve heard are the tallest in the country, and that is awesome. But sadly it will never be. Ah well, at least the Canadians still love me.


Inside the Male Mind

Saturday, May 2nd, 2009

Ok, I have decided to take it upon myself to give a practical guide into the mind of a typical guy for all the ladies out there. you are welcome.

Are you one of those women that has sat there wondering ‘What is going on inside that guy’s mind?’ Well, no fear my lovely friends, your pal Almighty Ray is here with some answers. You might not be ready to hear them, but this is the truth as I know it. This is taken from my own experiences as well as the countless dudes who have told me the truth in my life.

You might be sitting there thinking to yourself, ‘Self, why can’t i get a man?’ This is easy.

First off ask yourself, are you horrible? This might sound awful, but be real with me here. Do you present yourself as someone young, exciting, sexy, and blowing away all points of person hygiene? If the answer is honestly NO to all 4 then you know where you are to start. If you answered honestly YES to all 4 then go have fun! This shit is not for you! The rest of you however know that you are a project that must convince another’s mind that you are the one. This is no small feat and should you feel that you have gotten inside someone’s mind, by all means follow up on it! Your inherent ‘Cuteness’ is not going to last my fair ladies! Strike while the iron is at least mildly warm!

Anyways, I would venture a guess that about 2 out of every 3 guys out there think that they are supposed to be married by age 25. Those that feel that way will not let little things like ‘Fights all the time’ or ‘She lies to me constantly’, or ‘I’m not really into this chick’ get in the way. They think that society wants them to be married by 25, and that is what they will do! On a totally unrelated side note; The divorce rate in this country is over 50%. Just sayin’. If you attend 2 weddings, at least one of them is rotten.

Let’s assume for the moment that you were unable to bag one of those guys by the age of 25. Well then, you got your work cut out for you. You see, unmarried guys over the age of 25 but under the age of 32 are looking for one thing in life; Quantity.

This is for real. If you are with a guy who is unmarried by 25, then he has poken through society’s game. He feels the adage of ‘Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free’ and he is trying to get as much milk as he possibly can while he still feels he’s got it. If you are with him, it’s very real that you are not the only one. . .Sorry. But this guy is very likely going to try to get as many plates spinning as he can at the same time because this in some small way proves his self worth to himself. Part of him wonders what is so wrong with him that he is not married like all his friends. He feels free, but is none the less depressed by said freedom. He will never truly be happy, but will fuck his brains out til he sees the light. This is not a guy that you are likely to get anything real with. . .Sorry again.

This leads us to the age; Guys 32-34. Holy shit, if you know a guy in this age bracket, you can take him good. It is right about this age that unmarried guys start freaking the fuck out. They look to bond with anyone slightly good enough and are looking to settle down, cause they just spent the last 7 years throwing their dick to the wind. It has been said (Not by me) that this is the best age to be dating guys in. They have been through wars and bullshit, and now are only looking for that special someone to have a totally honest relationship with. For a few peak years a guy is most vulnerable, and this is the time to be striking. If you are smart you are seeking these guys out, cause they are your best chance at something great, and also something ultimately attainable.

Should you miss though. . .there are guys 35-39. These guys are pretty sad to be quite frank. They are like the basketball players who did not get picked in high school gym class. There is bitterness and anger. Understand that when you undertake with one of these guys, there will be a certain amount of bullshit that must be endured. This can make life rough, but, if it’s the right guy for you (Very important), it can be ultimately rewarding.

And if you are with a dude 40+ who has never been married then rock the hell on. He appreciates you and I hope you appreciate him. It’s a wild card at this point. He either cares deeply about long lasting relationships or he doesn’t give 2 shits. You gotta figure that one out for yourself, cause despite outward appearances it could be either.

And this is my basic guide into the male psyche. It is as true as I know it to be, and if you disagree you are probably stupid and alone. Or will be soon. I hope that I have helped each and every one of you delve into the minds of the guys that you are currently around.


For the Ladies

Friday, February 3rd, 2006

Ok, I am going to assume that some small percentage of the people checking out this site are good looking women who stalk me because they want to know more about me cause I am a sexy catch.

I will make it easy for you.

So here is some stuff about me, and what I am looking for.

First off, know this, I rule, and I am not ashamed at saying so. I am damn good looking, have the crazy sex skillz, and am capable of being more compassionate than any women you know. I have more patience than should be tolerated by law, and am able to forgive much. I don’t like to fight but I love to have small arguements, I consider them verbal tete-a-tetes that are essential for keeping the brain sharp. I am naturally messy, and have a general lack of appreciation for order. I believe in the independant spirit, and am perfectly happy having my own life outside of you, but don’t have a problem with sharing everything about me. I am not naturally touchy-feely. I have a great problem with people who jump in the sack with people without getting to know and like them first, I am incapable of such actions.

In short I am the perfect guy.

I like women who are aggressive yet polite. I don’t respond well to unfriendliness. Girls who act like they don’t care tend to get the same reaction from me, cause if you don’t care, why should I? I generally like taller girls, but I break my own rules on that most of the time. Dark hair is preferred. I don’t like women who are just like everyone else, a little quirkyness goes a long way with me. I don’t go out with people who aren’t special.

Hmm, I think this will be a recurring thread as I come up with more stuff that I remember, so I think I will make it it’s own category. So check back for more tips on how to stalk me!!!