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Ok, so I am watching pro poker tonight on tv, as I do from time to time, and I see Howard Lederer as special guest commentator. How did this guy become the ‘expert’ on poker? How does he host multiple shows including Full Tilt Poker. com’s learn from the pros show?

All in all, this guy does cash many times, but he doesn’t win shit.

I mean, he has been playing many many events at the World Series of Poker for like what, 20 years now? He has a grand total of 2 bracelets. 2 Fucking bracelets? For the record, Phil Ivey, who has played in FAR fewer events has won 5. There are a great many players that you will have never heard of who have won at least 1, and I guarantee most of them have not played in HALF of the events that Howard Lederer has played in.

To be quite frank, this guy fucking sucks at poker. If I had the bankroll he had, and had played in as many tourneys over the years as he has, I guarantee more than 2 pathetic wins over such a huge length of time. In fact, take away all the experience, I am a better player at my age than Howard Lederer has ever dreamed of being.

So who is this jobber to be telling me shit about how to play cards? OOOHH Howard, so if I buy your DVDs and watch your TV shows, will I acquire the knowledge to win ABOSLUTELY NOTHING of importance? Maybe I’ll learn the ability to grow the Captain Riker beard that you wear so as to be taken seriously?

Give me a break, this guy couldn’t teach me anything more about poker that I couldn’t learn from the blow up doll from the party poker.com ad. Give a monkey a lesson on how to either throw chips or cards and I say he could win 2 titles in 20 years. His dimeanor is a facade, he wins only through psyching people out though his assholeness. I mean, if I sat there deadpanning an amateur for 5 straight minutes, I’m sure I could break him too, if I was an untalented dick about it.

In closing, Howard Lederer is not that good of a poker player, he just has a mass media machine and a huge bankroll behind him. Given that set of circumstances I would crush him in a fair fight, no doubt about it. In fact, I challenge him to a poker showdown. Best of 7 series heads up for some large sum of cash. Granted, to me 500 bucks is a huge sum of cash, but no matter. Hell televise this shit if you got the balls, cause I know that the end result will be me crushing you with no mercy 4-1. I give you 1 only cause no doubt you will bad beat me once and cruise that garbage to victory. End of discussion, doubt me and you are wrong.

-Ray

So, I don’t know what it means, but one of my cats urinated in the shape of a heart in their litterbox today.

I would like to take that as a non verbal message of love from both of them. Perhaps they worked together to each make half of the heart? Or one made the design while the other watched and directed, I am just not sure.

In any case, I thought this was interesting so I thought I would share with the entire world. What can I say, my life is EXTREMELY BORING right now. So I don’t have much else to talk about.

Ok, here is a picture to prove it…..

Does this make me like the hugest dork ever? Probably, but I stopped caring about that a long time ago.

-Ray

Ok, seriously, there has been something pissing me off for a while now, and it’s a slow news day, so I may as well rant a little.

There are times in our daily lives when we are in a hurry. Perhaps I am going to be late for work and am running to my car. Perhaps I am crossing the street on foot when the light turns and I want to be polite to the motorists by hastening my steps. Perhaps I promised someone I would be at a certain place at a certain time, and am cutting it close so I hurry into a jog. What the heck perhaps even I am exercising outside and am running to build endurance.

Why the fuck is it almost impossible to be fleet of foot out in public without some fucking obnoxious rube yelling “RUN FORREST RUN!”

Do these fucktards think they are being creative, or worse yet funny? And what is the proper response to this assinine exclamation? And what is the best way to kill a man using only powers of the mind?

Let’s examine this retardedness for a moment. Forrest Gump was an overrated movie that came out in 1993 and won a bunch of awards. One of which was Best Actor for Tom “Definition of overrated” Hanks for his one dimensional, stereotypical, and nonentertaining portrayal of a retarded guy who does some shit. In said movie, Gump is so fucking stupid, he can’t figure out what to do on the football field when he gets the ball. So people yelled, ‘Run Forrest Run’, in a rude expression of their lack of faith in his ability to do the most menial of human tasks. Offensive, degrading, and stupid. Hey wait, I just described most people in a nutshell! Sweet! Anyways, for some reason this line has stuck in the mind of the unintelligent for 13 GOD DAMN YEARS.

I mean, this movie is 13 years old already, do people think they are being current with their references? Why not just bust out uninspired quotes from Gidget movies? Or better yet holler shit from the Dick Van Dyke Show when people are obviously in a hurry? Way to keep up with the times you miserable bastard, now kindly choke on your own vomit and die.

Not only is it outdated, but the shit isn’t even funny? I mean, are these people proclaiming publically that they find similarities between the situation unfolding before them and some stupid overhyped movie from 13 years ago? And how is this funny? My name is not Forrest, I am not playing football, I am not retarded, I don’t need this guy’s immediate direction for the betterment of my life, and frankly the shit is tired.

I suppose it comes down to the word run. The way I figure it anybody that would yell such a thing at a total stranger publically while they are in a hurry is a lower life form. Since lower life forms were the target audience of that movie it has remained in their minds somehow. Now, they see someone running and somehow they feel this compulsive need to prove how dumb they are. I can see the thought process brewing; “Hmm, let’s see, this person is running, and I want to yell something to show off my lack of culture or intelligence. Let me see, running man, guy who is running, how about just the word Run. Where else have I heard the word run before, wait, wasn’t Tom Hanks a retard in some movie, hey, that would be current and really really funny, it would show off how spontaneous and clever I am, oh man, I gotta do it, gotta holler at this random guy, ok, I’m gonna do it.” RUN FORREST RUN! “Oh man, that shit was funny, hmm, Wonder if I am outta Skoal, or better yet hope I still got some Bud Light at home, gotta keep Cedric the Entertainer employed.”

Finally what is the proper response to this assinine situation? I mean, “Fuck off jackass” does not quite encapsulate my rage. And obviously I am in a hurry, so it’s not like I can turn around and stop what I am doing to give forth a meritous quip. So all we poor hurried people can do is suffer in silence at this abomination of personal interaction until either the appropriate response is discovered, or people stop acting dumb, geez I hope we come up with that response soon, cause the latter is not ever going to happen.

-Ray

So tonight I had a really shitty day of work, but then I made it all better by attending the 6-6-06 party at the Lighthouse! And this party ruled hardcore, moreso because Jeremy Buck and his awesome band were there! Moreso because there was a costume party in addition to get us all down with the ghoulishness of 6-6-6. Yay the Devil!

Note that the Devil, along with other organized religion characters are all ficticious. And we all know I am a big fan of antagonists! So therefore the Devil PWNS!!111

In any case, tonight I got to meet my hero Cobra Commander! I have been a fan of his work since I was probably about 8 years old, and in 20 years I feel my bond with such a great human being who may not exist. In any case the story of a used car salesman who turns to pyramid money schemes and eventually turns that money into a global terrorist group destined to rule the world has a special place in my heart. And the Pyramid of Darkness rules too.

All this and all the hotties I know from the lighthouse looked freaking HOT dressed up tonight. I mean, to be fair, they look hot normally, but extra tonight! Something is wrong with me, why have I not moved in yet? I know I am down.

Anyways, I am still existing, and therefore still awesome. And maybe a little drunk, whatever, does not matter, all that matters is I find an end to this piece.

-Ray