Archive for July, 2006

Fun with stats

Saturday, July 29th, 2006

So, you may or not be aware, but my site tracks it’s users. That is correct, internet cookies etc. Which means when you visit my website, send me and e-mail, or post a comment, it tracks your IP address meaning I can find out who you are.

Exciting stuff. I think the coolest feature of my personal stats page it creates is the search query report. What that is, is a list of things that people typed into various search engines and then got directed to my site. It actually catalogues what people were looking for when they found me. I find this awesome, cause it often times is bizzare. I’d like to devote this blog to the #1 queries leading to this website month by month for 2006….

JANUARY: Warhammer 40k
Well, this makes sense to me. I very often get people searching for the popular tabletop game Warhammer 40k and finding me. Mainly because on my old had a nice 40k area to it with pictures and army lists. I can dig it, it’s a cool game. Recently I found out some of my pictures of my pink space marines have been making the rounds on various internet forums, of course giving no mention of me, blech.

FEBRUARY: Warhammer 40k
Wow, and it’s not even close, at least once per day on average somebody found my site while looking for 40k stuff. Nothing much more to add, let’s move on.

MARCH: Warhammer 40k
Heh, ok, I’ll admit when I came up with this premise I didn’t realise that it would be this one sided. What is crazy is that ranks 2-6 of these months are all 40k stuff too worded differently. Although ‘Almighty Ray’ tends to make appearances as well.

APRIL: Commander Keen
Whew, finally Warhammer 40k falls from the top spot. Granted Commander Keen is the name of the leader of my pink marines, so therefore it’s still 40k related. That being said, I am sure most people looking are looking for Commander Keen the old ass video game. Anyone else remember in Doom2 when the secret rooms had Commander Keen hanging from the ceiling and you had to shoot him and kill him to move on? Good stuff.

MAY: Wresting Almighty Ray
Rock the hell on, people must remember my brilliant pro wrestling career! Or at least they found me mentioned on Wikepedia! Notable mentions of queries have to go to “when should i get my hip replaced”, “you got to be a stupid mothafucka to get fired on yo day off”, and “toilet whore”. Yes, those are all actual things people typed in search engines and somehow found my site and came to it.

JUNE: Fuck
Is this site really that foul? Do I swear too much? Can it be true that people can simply type in the word ‘Fuck’ and mine is the site that grabs their attention? If so I say awesome!

JULY: Commander Keen
Dang it, now we are back to Commander Keen getting all the press. If you want to see what he looks like, check out the link on the right site of this page for ‘The Old” His pic is right on the front page. He rules. Special mention must go out to the query “Fuck Truck”. Fuck Truck has been in the top 5 the past few months, and I am at a loss to explain why. I understand why it would lead people here, but why are people typing fuck truck in search engines anyways? What the hell are they looking for? People boning in a truck? A truck that gets it on? Some guy humping an F-150? I just don’t know, but the fact that people continually find me through typing that leads me to feel sad about my audience, but so it goes, I love you all equally.

So there you go, a little glance behind the scenes at, hope it was enlightening. I am going on vacation in a few days, so you’ll have to go a little while without updates, if you are all very lucky I will post a follow up to my wildly popular ‘For the Ladies’ column this weekend, or maybe I won’t, depends how hateful I am feeling.


Car Plus Finance

Friday, July 21st, 2006

Car Plus Finance in Harbor City, CA

Don’t freaking go there. They are as shifty and shady as they get. Now the following story did not happen to me, but a friend of mine, and I was there to witness the entire debacle.

My friend, let’s call him Michael, needed to buy a car, for he had no transportation. Car Plus Finance had a listing on for a nice Xterra, black, great features, low miles, and good price. So Michael went in there to get it.

They gave him the typical credit runaround, but he met every one of their standards. He offered to give them a deposit of 4 grand in cash to hold the car while they worked out the financing. They refused to take the money. However within 2 weeks with constant communication from him he gathered all of the materials they needed to get approved. Car Plus Finance even called him when he was out of town to tell him the good news, and he set up a date to pick up the car and complete the transaction.

So the magic day came, he called Al at Car Plus Finance and said “Are we ready to do this”, Al said “Yes sir, come on in and we can do it.” So I drive Michael to Car Plus Finance to finish the transaction. First thing I noticed was the car we had looked at before was not there. So Michael goes over to Al and asks him, “So where is the car I am buying?” Al responds, “Oh, we didn’t know what was going on with your credit, so we sold it out from under you, but we have this totally different YELLOW Xterra with totally different features that you have never seen before we can sell you right now”. Best part was Al had the balls to say “Well, we didn’t have a deposit from you to hold the car, so we didn’t know what to do.” Never mind the fact that Michael put 4 GRAND IN CASH on the table in front of Al and offered it as a deposit and was REFUSED BY AL.

It was at this moment that I just slowly walked away because I was afraid Al would be thrown off the balcony through the windshield of a few nearby cars in the lot. What an ASSHOLE. So he knew that Michael was only interested in buying a certain car, was working through the process with him, then dicked him over and didn’t even tell him the truth? I mean the car was specifically the central point of the whole discussion. Yet despite the fact that he knew the car was already sold, he never let this fact be known to the potential buyer, hoping to bait and switch him at a later time. Not only that, but this PRICK had Michael get a ride from me down to the lot to complete a sale on a car that didn’t even exist anymore, and didn’t even bother to tell him. So Thanks Al, you not only wasted the time of Michael, but you wasted my afternoon as well, and just because you are a DOUCHEBAG. I mean, is this seriously a way to do business? This is your job right?

So, in closing, DO NOT BUY FROM CAR PLUS FINANCE IN HARBOR CITY!!! Even if they seem to be offering you a quality deal, based on the experiences I have seen with my own 2 eyes, they will try to dick you over one way or another, if it is not presale, it will be down the line. If you read this and then choose to buy from them anyways, you are a fool who deserves to be taken advantage of. Even if they don’t dick you over, these are not quality human beings that you should be giving business to, I am sure there are plenty of actual caring human beings that deserve your money more than these ass clowns. I hope everyone involved with CAR PLUS FINANCE gets cancer and dies alone.

Fuck Barbaro

Thursday, July 13th, 2006

Seriously, who gives a shit about this stupid horse?

Ok, ok, I know, all life is precious, how dare I say such horrible things, blah blah blah.

If all life is precious why don’t you care about all the field mice that get killed in the combines that harvest the wheat for your vegan bread? Until you grow all your own food 100% shut the fuck up, you kill animals one way or another, hypocrite.

Back to my original point; Fuck Barbaro.

I am inspired to think that if I had a life and death problem that I would receive medical attention on the level of this horse. It’s good to know that people would care as much about my well being as a healthy, intelligent human being, as they would this carrot gobbling animal.

If you think the owners of this horse give 2 shits about it’s health you are naive and sad. It’s about the money. Truth is, despite that fact that it won’t race again, there is much cash to be made in the stud market, in short, so long as they can save Barbaro’s weiner they are happy. But let’s stop pretending that anybody involved save for maybe the doctors at ‘bedside’ actually care what happens on a personal level.

In conclusion, I think that ESPN should set up it’s own channel devoted purely to Barbaro coverage, as opposed to breaking in every 5 minutes to give updates like it’s a major concern of mine on a minutely basis. If it had it’s own channel, I could simply not watch it, because I simply don’t care, which makes me the same as the other 100% of the world. If you say that you actually care, you are wrong.


The same thing we do every night

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

Lately I have been giving more and more thought to taking over the world. I am in favor of it. It would be a good thing if I did it.

Oh if only I knew the first thing about Doomsday Devices!

Then it would be awesome, I mean, what would be cooler than having your very own secret hideout with an array of high tech gadgets and a standing army of well trained grunts in stylish uniforms with your symbol on it? I cannot think of a single thing, except maybe a threesome with Angelina Jolie and that chick that ate at my restaurant the other night, she was hot.

In any case, the reasons for taking over the world are obvious, the methods unfortunately all require about 5 different things that I at this moment do not have. Hmm, just wait til I break through, once I have vast wealth and ultimate fame there will be nothing that can stop me! Muh ha ha!!! That was my evil laugh, maybe it would have more power if I did it instead of just typing it. Now when I say nothing can stop me, that is probably a gross overstatement, I have decided that will be my fatal flaw. I will believe my plans foolproof even when they make no sense, I like to call this Cobra Commander Disease, or CCD for short.

Ok, I will go practice my hand wringing in front of a mirror for a few hours, I may elaborate on this in a later post, but then again, I may just TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!


Tired of Beckham

Tuesday, July 4th, 2006

Ok, maybe not tired of David Beckham himself. After all, he is a great soccer player who is always front and center on the worlds biggest stages of the sport he plays. He ranks #10 as far as top paid athletes in the world goes. He married a Spice Girl, and the hottest one even! I salute David Beckham.

But what I am tired of is the retarded american coverage of him. See, American sports broadcasters don’t know anything about soccer. We don’t follow it here, most of the time we don’t care about it here. So as a result our sports commentators are oblivious to the sport. So when the World Cup comes around and all the sports people try and talk intelligently about it, they typically fail.

What I get annoyed with is how they cover Beckham. The crew at ESPN and ABC sports, who have coverage of the World Cup have wanted to highlight David Beckham, for he is one of the biggest stars in the sport. However they don’t know anything about him. So there was a B level movie that came out a little bit ago called “Bend it like Beckham”. And the folks at ESPN have hideously leeched onto it as their parachute in Beckham coverage.

Let me explain, when they show highlights on ESPN of anything Beckham is involved in, they can’t help themselves but to make some sort of “Bending” reference over and over again. Stuart Scott is a noticable example of this. I swear, the man cannot even say the name Beckham without saying that he is bending this or not bending that. For fucks sake, I saw Stuart Scott make 3 bending references in 2 sentences on Sportscenter once. It is driving me nuts. Every time I see his picture in the little box in the upper corner on ESPN, I know that within 5 seconds somebody is going to make some retarded bending reference, and it has gotten 6 levels past old.

Dear ESPN and ABC (same people), please stop referencing that stupid movie. It does not make you clever, it does not make you fresh, all it does is point out your failings of knowledge on the sport and people you are covering. Here is my idea, next time you are inspired to make one of 9,000 bending references in regards to David Beckham, instead stop. Perhaps do a modicum of research and present me with some interesting tidbit about this athlete instead. Perhaps give me some statistical info about his recent career. Perhaps just saying that he is a great player is enough.

Whatever you do though, please please please stop all these INSIPID BENDING JOKES THAT WERE NEVER FUNNY OR CLEVER.

Thank you.