Archive for December, 2006

After Pat’s Birthday

Sunday, December 31st, 2006

Pat Tillman was a pro football player who left a multi million dollar contract on the table to go and sign up for the military following 9-11.

He was killed by friendly fire while on duty overseas.

The government lied about the circumstances surrounding his death to make good press for the war and the military. When his comrades found out they set the record straight and the USA once again looked retarded and deceitful.

I came across THIS PIECE written by Pat’s brother a month ago. The same brother who served with him side by side and was there when his brother died.

All I can say is go check it out, it’s some compelling stuff.

The Liquor Aisle

Saturday, December 30th, 2006

So I get done with work early tonight and decide to roll out to my Local Albertsons Grocery Store and pick up something to eat. I stroll in casually and the liquor aisle is right there near the front of the store. I walk over and look to see if anything is on sale.

I am met by an employee of the store.

“Hiya there, I’m in charge of the liquor and cigarette areas, if you need any help I’m here.”

This guy seems friendly enough, I let him continue.

“Well there pal, what is your drink of choice, maybe I can help you out finding something.”

“I’m just looking around to see what sales you guys have going on. But usually I am a bourbon drinker.”

“Well, there is a new drink going around that is really popular. You mix Wild Turkey with Bacardi 151 and shoot it at room temperature. You don’t use ice in it or it’s known as a different drink entirely!”

“That is interesting to know, thanks.”

“Yeah, I’ve been a bartender for 5 years in addition to working here, I know my stuff, I got lots of bartender friends too and they help me stay well informed.”

“Hey that is cool. Here is one that I am in favor of. It’s called a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. You take a shot of Jack, a half shot of peach schnapps, a dash of Blue Curacao, and mix it with OJ over ice. It’s radioactive looking, tasty, and strong. It’s really good as a drink for the ladies.”

“Yeah, a good ladies drink, drop a couple pills in there and it’s all good, am I right?”

So basically the guy working the liquor aisle at the grocery store just opened up to me in ways I was not prepared for and told me that he likes to drug and date rape young women. I’d like to mention for the record that I didn’t (and still don’t) even know what his freaking name was. Yet apparantly I look ‘safe’ enough to reward with this type of information.

Ok I give up, why the hell did he say this to me? Was he looking for acceptance from total strangers for his criminal and disgusting behavior? Did he think that I look like a date rapist, and therefore someone he could talk to as an equal? Perhaps he was looking for tips on places to go to purchase roofies, or better still, places to go to use them.

What if he doesn’t actually drop pills in drinks for chicks for the purposes of molestation? What if he is some kind of deranged scientist doing a sociology experiment? Like he drops everything from common sedatives to dangerous psychodelics in people’s drinks in different social situations and then writes down the results. All the people of the world are guinea pigs for his grandiose plans.

Or the guy working at Albertsons was a criminal pervert who talks to much. There is a slim chance that might be true.

So anyways, dumbfounded at this statement by him, I take a pause, start to walk away and say, “Ha ha, alright my man, be good.”

“For sure, if you need anything just look for me.”

I’ll be looking for him all right, on the wall of the post office.

It’s guys like this that make me want to drink…..at home.

-Ray

Fire Millen

Thursday, December 28th, 2006

Ok, for real, why hasn’t William Clay Ford yet done the right thing and ‘Fire Millen’?

I get that he is stubborn and set in his ways, unfazed by public opinion. But doesn;t there come to a point when you have no choice? If everyone is telling you your head is on fire, don’t you reach for the extinguisher when you smell burnt hair?

Matt Millen has amassed one of the most sorry records in sports history. I don;t even wanna research it, but it’s like 23-71, the worst in the NFL since he took over as Lions GM.

His drafts have been shaky to be nice, his teams have quit trying almost every season, his draft prize from 2 years ago, Mike Williams, just came off a game where he dropped 5 passes. To put that in other terms, the NFL leader in dropped passes only has 14 for the whole season. So if we had actually played that fat bum a whole season, like he thinks he is entitled to, he may have upwards of 50 dropped passes by now, GOODIE!!!

The fans have given up hope. Their apathy was deafening at the Chicago game on Sunday. Despite the fact that the game was actually close against the first place Chicago Bears, people were walking out at the beginning of the 4th quarter. That is not to count those few hundred that left at the start of the 2nd quarter in protest. They can’t even stir their passion enough to get a ‘Fire Millen’ chant going any more!

I went to a Borders bookstore in Detroit while I was back in town. They had 1 book about the Lions on 2 bookshelves in the football section. What did they have more football books on? Well, the Chicago Bears, Notre Dame, and Terrell Owens were all better represented in the store than the local team, your Detroit Lions. This is a sad state of affairs when the most hated player in the game gets more run than the local team!

On behalf of all Lions fans the world over, please Mr. Ford, I know Matt Millen is your friend. I know you like him as a person. However this man is incompetant, he does not know how to run a football team, he has taken a playoff caliber team and made it the worst in the entire league over a prolonged amount of time. People in Detroit have stopped caring, sooner rather than later this will start to effect your bottom line. His drafts have been universally poor, his coaches terrible, off the field he has been fined and called into question for using publically anti-gay epithets towards opposing players (Johnnie Morton).

What more has to be done? He will already go down in history as the single WORST GM ever in the history of pro football, possibly all of pro sports. Do the right thing Mr. Ford, cut the cord before the franchise that both of us love is dead.

-Ray

Ex Lax

Tuesday, December 26th, 2006

So I bought this box of Ex-Lax a while ago. I was just in the bathroom reading the side of the box, yes, it’s Christmas evening and I am reading Ex-Lax boxes, wanna fight about it?

Anyways, the box says that it provides gentle, overnight relief.

Does that mean if I take it that I’m going to crap the bed?

-Ray

Carmelo Anthony

Sunday, December 17th, 2006

Carmelo Anthony is a little bitch.

There was a mini brawl of sorts at the NBA Knicks/Nuggets game today.

It had basically calmed down when Carmelo Anthony, the leagues leading scorer this year, snuck up on an opposing guy and bitch slapped him in the face from behind another guy.

Then he ran.

The little bitch turned tail and ran away, almost the entire length of the basketball court. If you are going to be man enough to strike at a guy, don’t be a little pussy and immediately run away from him after you sucker punch him.

Carmelo Anthony is a little pussy.

There, I said what all of you who have seen the video were thinking.

-Ray

ps. If I can find a clip of the incident, I’ll post it here.

Friday the 15th

Saturday, December 16th, 2006

I just went to the Jeremy Buck and the Bang show.

I love them, they rock my lame ass.

In any case, I haven’t eaten since lunch and I’m a little toasty.

I’m driving home from the show.

There are 3 chicks in a car next to me honking their horn and trying to get me to roll down my window.

They are totally in to me! This is a pleasant surprise.

Oh wait, no.

They just are trying to tell me my lights aren’t on.

Damn it.

So I am driving home, I am hungry.

Jack in the Box, mmm, sounds good.

Jumbo Jack and 2 breakfast jacks, delightful.

I sneeze while waiting for my order.

Some random chick gives me a God bless you from the car behind me, that’s mildly eerie. I give a little wave.

So then I come home and write this, life is funny.

Be back in Detroit(ish) in 2 days.

Love all y’all.

-Ray

Ok…..

Tuesday, December 12th, 2006

So I am sitting here at 3:30 am, it is no big deal.

I am watching a show about comedians and their process of creating comedy and wondering what the hell my problem is.

And I’m a little drunk.

So anyways I am mired in a pit of self loathing. They tell me all great minds do this.

So anyways I thought now would be a great time to change the cat litter.

Cause it was starting to smell.

And it was just sitting there in a duo of plastic bags.

That is right, I could go into detail about how I keep up with my little baby shit and piss factories, but that would be gross and bore you.

So anyways I drop the bag of poo in my local trash chute. I procede to take the X number of steps back to my apartment, where X is the number I have not counted yet. For the record it takes 42 steps to get from my trash chute to my local trash dumpster. So by using the chute I deprive myself of 84 steps of exercise.

I’m lazy.

Anyways I am on my way back to my apartment when I stop 2 doors down from my apartment.

I hear the playful sounds of 2 people having sex.

They are Indians, by that I do not mean feathers, bow and arrows, buying the hard rock cafe Indians. I mean real Indians from India.

They keep making sounds then laughing about it, then making shhhhh noises to each other followed by more laughter. I mean, I’m pretty sure they were doing it, they could have been illegally video taping major league baseball games at 3:30 AM I guess. I am just theorising they were doing it in the living room while I walked by.

Do they have kids? I think alot of the Indian familes I live around have kids. I’ll be honest, I come from white cracka nation Livonia. We don’t get to know our neighbors, they scare us. So I take that practice with me, cause that is what cultured people do, take their culture with them.

Anyways I walk by and hear this, it scares me. It is another reminder that other people are getting laid and enjoying it. Not that I couldn’t mind you, it’s just that I won’t if that is how it is going to be. in any case, I lingered for a while, listening to them go at it. They sounded silly and like young people, are they younger than me?

Fuck them.

-Ray

We need more of…

Sunday, December 10th, 2006

I was just sitting here not nearly drunk enough. I was thinking, and we all know how dangerous that can be. Anyways, I was thinking that there are plenty of things we need more of in this world. Some things are not nearly abundant enough, they provide so much joy that I just wish there could be MORE!!! Here are just a few things that pop into my mind…

1) Martin Lawrence movies.

In the annals of cinema, there might be no greater talent than that of Martin Lawrence. How this brilliant performer has not won an Academy Award yet is beyond me. His critical genius brought us such classics as Big Momma’s House, Rebound, What’s the Worst that Could Happen, Blue Streak, Black Knight, and the acclaimed Big Momma’s House 2. I just found out that his middle name is Fitzgerald. This makes a ton of sense because he shares the middle name of a Mr. John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Just like JFK he is a revolutionary both in thought and action. The aforementioned masterpiece Black Knight is on the FX channel right now. He just told a peasant who asked him ‘who ye be’ that “I be stompin a hole in yo ass”. Such dialogue might sink in the tepid hands of Hoffman or Branagh, but under the masterwork of Lawrence, the words come alive and sing off the page. I call for Hollywood to give Martin at least 8 vehicles a year to ply his trade in hilarity, to give him less is to commit atrocities to all of mankind.

2) Uncomfortable Social Moments.

There is no greater thrill than sitting there with a lovely young lady, or a group of people, and having no idea what to say next. Then you kinda sit there and look over their shoulder at a TV for a moment, then quickly glance back to make sure they don’t think you are dissing them. Or when someone says something vaguely rude to you, and you kinda play it off, but they keep pushing it and then say something that in certain areas would result in someone getting shot. And then there is that awkward moment where nobody knows what to say, and you think about violence, and the best way to break their knee. And then you kinda try to play it off again, oh man, that is some fun stuff. Or better yet when you are the one who says the mildly sexual joke that goes over like a lead fart, and everyone looks at you like you just shot the dog and you want to just run away and hide. Also great is when you are trying to impress someone so you try a little too hard and they end up thinking you are a big jerk and now there is no changing their opinion and you are boned. Geez, I wish there could be some more of that!

3) Ads for text messenging porno services.

It makes me sad that there exist ads that are NOT for text message flirt services. Most busty 20 somethings that I know just like to sit around their house all day getting random text messages and then returning the messages to the random guys who pay for them and then setting up random sexual encounters later. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard my attractive co-workers say “Hey after work let’s just hang around in our underwear getting text messages from random guys and then invite them over for hot sex!” It’s like, every day! The realism is where they get me, I mean, how do they know? Even better is seeing these ads on the Spanish language channels, words cannot speak the true greatness of this. So I will simply move on.

4) This season of Saturday Night Live.

It upsets me to think that SNL ever existed before this current crop of cast and writers. To think that no talent hacks like Belushi, Hartman, and Murphy paved the way for supreme talents like Andy Samberg and Finesse Mitchell. Not to even mention the writing! Never before have I watched an entire show of Mamet level dialogue based on such original and fascinating premises where each word uttered possesses the abilty to bust my gut with laughter. One time I was unfortunate to to hear 3 words of a 2006 SNL sketch at the same time in order, and I was in the hospital for a week and half to gets my sides put back together for they simply split. But I tell you what, they find a way to pull it off every 2 weeks when they put up a new show! In fact, I wish they would go back and refilm every episode of SNL ever made from 1975 to present day with the current cast, and then go back and destroy the old footage of the original casts. I could watch Andy Samberg make a bells palsy face to the camera and incoherantly mutter one liners with a ‘funny voice’ all day and well in to the night. Imagine him playing Wayne in Wayne’s World! Or Mr. Robinson in Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood! Or using camera effects him telling himself in drag, “Jane you ignorant slut!”. I wake up every day and say a prayer thanking God for the entire cast and writing team of SNL. Great job Seth Meyers! They should give you a raise, at least equal to the raising of the bar you have done with this show!

If we just had more of these things, life would be better for everyone.

Midget Lovin

Monday, December 4th, 2006

Ok, so I was talking to someone earlier who was telling me a story.

The story was this dude boned a midget chick and then was bragging about it.

What the fuck is that all about???

To me that is like getting the retarded girl in the sack and then sharing it about town. It is not something to be proud of. Now, if you are a midget guy, and you bone some midget chick, then fuck, that’s cool, brag about it. I would. But if you are some 6 foot guy, and get some sweet midget ass, keep that shit to yourself. We don’t wanna hear about it.

For the record this also applies to quadrapalegics, animals, and the unconcious as well. I don’t care how God damn sexy that goat was, if you fucked it, keep that little nugget under your hat.

But that gets me away from my main point. Midgets.

This same fellow who told me the above story was asking me if I have seen Bridget the Midget porno. I can say I have seen pictures of Bridget, and I think I caught her on Howard Stern’s tv show before he sold out. He tried to convince me how hot she was. I threw up in my mouth a little bit. The only way I would want to see her having sex would be if it was with one of my drunken enemies while I took pictures for the blackmail soon to follow. You know what, screw that, I can hire someone to take the pictures, it’s not worth it.

In closing, if you choose to get freaky with midgets, please do not kiss and tell. It demeans the midget, and makes you look worse than if you told someone you didn’t get any at all. So I hereby now create a “NO MIDGET BRAGGING ZONE” around me 3 feet in all directions. It goes well with the “NO DRAMA ZONE” that is already up.

So there you go.

-Ray