Ok, first off I will reference you to an earlier post I wrote entitled The Little Things
Ok go reread that post real quick so I don’t need to reexplain my thoughts on certain issues. Go ahead, I’ll wait…..
Ok, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you actually went there and reread that piece, and are not a horrible human being who cheats. That being said let’s keep going.
So I have just finished performing in BIG NEWS SHOW tonight when I happen to be standing outside the theatre talking to a couple of wonderful people. We are chatting and laughing and having a great time when some woman (I think) comes over to us rudely and butts her face into our conversation uninvited and says, “Have you guys got anything for me?” Now since you went back and reread that last piece you know I dislike moments like these, and use them as fodder to amuse myself. So without thinking about it I pull my hands out of my pockets and proceed to give her a round of applause, followed by the statement, “That’s all I got for you.”
There is a moment of awkward silence and she moves on to bother other people. After about 5 seconds I turn to the guy next to me and say, “That was probably a shitty thing to do wasn’t it?” Well it turns out that 100% of the people there agree that what I did was a scumbag thing. Since I am a bastard sadist this made it all the more joyous to me, what can I say, I am a big jerkhead.
I still go back to the stories that say many homeless people make more money than I do, so shouldn’t I be asking them for handouts? But anyways on to story #2.
A bit after that happened I go back inside to the bar area of the theatre. After a while I end up in a minor conversation with Emo Phillips. In case you do not know, Emo Phillips is a stand up comedian that I hold in the highest regard. I put Emo in my top 5 favorite standups ever. So honestly actually talking to this guy is quite an honor for me. So with nervous tension I am having a small conversation with him. He comes over and looks my cap and says, “What team is that?”
I respond that it was “My Detroit Lions.”
“Oh yeah, that’s football right?”
“Yeah, they are my favorite team, I support them no matter how bad they are.”
“Doesn’t Detroit have Tigers too?”
“Yeah, they were in the World Series last year.”
“Yeah, that’s right, I was rooting for them”
“Really? That’s cool, it’s too bad they lost though”
“Yeah, who did they lose to again?”
“St. Louis Cardinals”
“Oh yeah, that’s right.”
It was at this moment that he sees my friend sitting there with a Dodgers shirt on says, “Ah, Dodgers, either of you 2 guys know why they call them the Dodgers?”
He looks to us for a response. Oh shit, this is where my total lack of Hollywood social graces grasps me my the ballsack and I proceed to screw everything up by being myself. I say, “I do, yes.” While my friend Neil says, “No”
I mean, why would he ask the question if he didn’t want an answer? So I am sitting there waiting for Emo Phillips, A MAN I GREATLY RESPECT, to tell the story. He does not. He looks at me and says, “Well, if you know then why don’t you tell the story then?”
Oh SHIT! Apparantly I just cockblocked one of the great comedians of our time. I sheepishly turn away and say, “No, it’s your story, you go ahead.”
“No, I want to hear you tell it now.”
Oh awesome, this is the best day ever. So I go ahead and tell the story of how the Brooklyn Dodgers came to be called that. I will not rehash it now, but let’s just say that I told the story correctly and fully. I’m a baseball guy, I know these things. Emo agrees that I told the story appropriately, and a short few moments later he moved on to another conversation with people who didn’t make him feel stupid socially.
How am I supposed to make it in this world if I can’t even give the floor to people who I genuinely respect and admire??? I didn’t mean to, I mean, I have a big personality, maybe people, no matter how much bigger than me, feel a compelling and primative urge to get out of my way when I start talking, I don’t know. Oh well, all I can do is keep on keeping on, to change the way I am would be to change who I am, and I already know that is not going to happen. So love me or hate me, at least you are seeing the real me at all times, I suppose that is more than I can say for most.
Oh yeah, and I’m a socially awkward prick too.