Archive for April, 2007

Fire Millen; Part 2

Saturday, April 28th, 2007

Ok, I am brutally unhappy about the NFL draft so far as far as the Detroit Lions go.

I love love love Calvin Johnson, this guy will be special.

My rage comes from how Matt Millen FUCKED UP round 2.

It fell right into place for us. The next potential Spielman, possibly Urlacher is sitting there as we go to draft in round 2. Paul Posluszky, the Linebacker from Penn State, this is a PERFECT pick for us to take. What do we do? Trade the pick to our good friends the Buffalo Bills who promptly swallow up Big Paul using our pick.

All is not lost, because we get super lucky with our new pick in round 2. David Harris, the LB from Michigan, who some boards actually have ranked higher than Big Paul, somehow slips all the way to our new pick! Holy Shit! Finally a chance to help bolster our awful defense!

NOPE! We officially crap the bed and take local shitty MSU QB Drew Stanton.


We have one of the worst defenses in the entire NFL, and yet we throw away our top 2 rounds of drafting on guys to help the passing game 3 years from now? Not to be rude, but history has shown that a rookie wide reciever, no matter how gifted, rarely makes an impact in his first year. And Drew Stanton in my mind can’t play football, his only chance is to sit for like 3 years and soak it all in, but even that thought is flawed because Mike Martz probably won’t be in Detroit beyond this upcoming season, thus wasting Drew’s first year in football.

So I sit here looking at 2 top LB’s, either one of whom would be sorely needed for this weak ass defense, and I am left wondering once again exactly what the hell Matt Millen is thinking.

For the love of God, FIRE MILLEN!!!


The Little Things Part 2

Monday, April 16th, 2007

Ok, first off I will reference you to an earlier post I wrote entitled The Little Things

Ok go reread that post real quick so I don’t need to reexplain my thoughts on certain issues. Go ahead, I’ll wait…..

Ok, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you actually went there and reread that piece, and are not a horrible human being who cheats. That being said let’s keep going.

So I have just finished performing in BIG NEWS SHOW tonight when I happen to be standing outside the theatre talking to a couple of wonderful people. We are chatting and laughing and having a great time when some woman (I think) comes over to us rudely and butts her face into our conversation uninvited and says, “Have you guys got anything for me?” Now since you went back and reread that last piece you know I dislike moments like these, and use them as fodder to amuse myself. So without thinking about it I pull my hands out of my pockets and proceed to give her a round of applause, followed by the statement, “That’s all I got for you.”

There is a moment of awkward silence and she moves on to bother other people. After about 5 seconds I turn to the guy next to me and say, “That was probably a shitty thing to do wasn’t it?” Well it turns out that 100% of the people there agree that what I did was a scumbag thing. Since I am a bastard sadist this made it all the more joyous to me, what can I say, I am a big jerkhead.

I still go back to the stories that say many homeless people make more money than I do, so shouldn’t I be asking them for handouts? But anyways on to story #2.

A bit after that happened I go back inside to the bar area of the theatre. After a while I end up in a minor conversation with Emo Phillips. In case you do not know, Emo Phillips is a stand up comedian that I hold in the highest regard. I put Emo in my top 5 favorite standups ever. So honestly actually talking to this guy is quite an honor for me. So with nervous tension I am having a small conversation with him. He comes over and looks my cap and says, “What team is that?”
I respond that it was “My Detroit Lions.”
“Oh yeah, that’s football right?”
“Yeah, they are my favorite team, I support them no matter how bad they are.”
“Doesn’t Detroit have Tigers too?”
“Yeah, they were in the World Series last year.”
“Yeah, that’s right, I was rooting for them”
“Really? That’s cool, it’s too bad they lost though”
“Yeah, who did they lose to again?”
“St. Louis Cardinals”
“Oh yeah, that’s right.”
It was at this moment that he sees my friend sitting there with a Dodgers shirt on says, “Ah, Dodgers, either of you 2 guys know why they call them the Dodgers?”

He looks to us for a response. Oh shit, this is where my total lack of Hollywood social graces grasps me my the ballsack and I proceed to screw everything up by being myself. I say, “I do, yes.” While my friend Neil says, “No”

I mean, why would he ask the question if he didn’t want an answer? So I am sitting there waiting for Emo Phillips, A MAN I GREATLY RESPECT, to tell the story. He does not. He looks at me and says, “Well, if you know then why don’t you tell the story then?”

Oh SHIT! Apparantly I just cockblocked one of the great comedians of our time. I sheepishly turn away and say, “No, it’s your story, you go ahead.”
“No, I want to hear you tell it now.”

Oh awesome, this is the best day ever. So I go ahead and tell the story of how the Brooklyn Dodgers came to be called that. I will not rehash it now, but let’s just say that I told the story correctly and fully. I’m a baseball guy, I know these things. Emo agrees that I told the story appropriately, and a short few moments later he moved on to another conversation with people who didn’t make him feel stupid socially.

How am I supposed to make it in this world if I can’t even give the floor to people who I genuinely respect and admire??? I didn’t mean to, I mean, I have a big personality, maybe people, no matter how much bigger than me, feel a compelling and primative urge to get out of my way when I start talking, I don’t know. Oh well, all I can do is keep on keeping on, to change the way I am would be to change who I am, and I already know that is not going to happen. So love me or hate me, at least you are seeing the real me at all times, I suppose that is more than I can say for most.

Oh yeah, and I’m a socially awkward prick too.


On Second Thought…

Sunday, April 15th, 2007

…I forgive Michael Jordan for picking on poor Kevin Bacon.

A recent article has shed light on why he may have been having a bad day. It turns out that Jordan has topped the list of most costly divorces. He has paid over 150 MILLION dollars to this bitch, er, excuse me, his ever doting and loving wife. Yeah, I can understand why she deserved to get so much money, I mean she had so much to do with him getting that money.

Oh wait, you mean she wasn’t the one with the God given talent in basketball who practiced hard and had the leadership of a champion? You mean he did all the work and was just some chick along for the ride?

I say fuck that.

My biggest question is why didn’t he just have her killed? Sorry but doesn’t that make so much more sense? I mean think about it, dude has already paid $150,000,000 to her for her continuing to breathe. I’m just saying if he would have dropped 100 MILLION dollars to the right people, I am convinced that he would have gotten her out of the picture full time with no worries. That leaves a full 50 MILLION dollars for him to spend at the Blackjack table!

I mean, a hundred million could pay for a big budget Hollywood movie, I’m sure that would be quite enough to take out a person who is keeping you down. You can buy alot of special effects for that much money, you can create evidence, get a homeless guy locked up for you, hell buy a body double to be somewhere public for you and do it yourself if you are a hands on type of guy. I’m just saying.

It just upsets me to think of such a great man being taken to the cleaners by a woman who added nothing to the conversation the whole time. She is lucky Jordan doesn’t think with the same touch of evil as I do.

Pleasant dreams.


A rebuttal

Tuesday, April 10th, 2007

I recently (Just a minute ago) read an interesting blog written by someone who I will not name for I am egocentric and don’t want you leaving my blog to go read theirs.

But the gist of that blog was that quiet people are smarter than loud people. That loud people talk and talk and BS about nothing using big words to distract you from the fact that they don’t know anything at all. While quiet people read and soak in things and then can answer 15 different questions at once and solve the world’s problems with a simple statement.

As you might have guessed this outrageous pseudo intellectual diarrhea has pissed me off.

Fuck quiet people.

There I said it.

If you don’t want to say anything, then shut up and don’t say anything, I can easily carry the conversation for both of us. But society tends to work a little smoother when all people are communicating with each other. Last thing that helps is one smug, salad eating, Bukowski reading quiet bitch to ruin the groove of the entire party.

Let me break down the statements of this author so I may crush them one by one, much like Golobulus tried to do to the vertebrae of Lt. Falcon in GIJoe: The Movie.

“It’s a proven fact, people who are kind of quiet, introverted, even sullen-people just assume they are smarter.”
-Stupid whiny blog post I am complaining about (2007)

No shit. Those people do assume that they are smarter, and it is with this bloated sense of self importance that they carry themselves with in their daily lives. These are the people that don’t want to be friendly cause it’s not what the cool people are doing. They sit back on their throne of self importance and cast silent judgments about everyone else in the world. Well to hell with that, if someone feels that they have something to say, and are able to do it in a concise and possibly entertaining fashion, fuck you for judging them. Just because you think you are smarter than someone else does not necessarily make it fucking so.

“Smart people don’t talk themselves into shit situations.”
-The same (2007)

No they don’t. But they do talk themselves out of them.

“People who are full of shit love to spread that caca out of the big old monkey mouths.”
-Blah blah (2007)

While people who remain silent give greater voice to those who speak the caca.

“Talkin’ big words and flat ideas to try to hide that fact that their brain is small and inflated with hot stale air. ”
-The very next line (2007)

What is wrong with talkin’ big words? You see educated society came up with this glorious idea called ‘Vocabulary’. The basic concept is that language is a beautiful thing, and people can use exact and specific words to express the ideas they are attempting to convey. I use big words on a daily basis, and do you know what, even if people don’t know they words they understand the context and therefore are still with me. Hell, I’ll make up words and you’ll still know what I am talking about. Small minds fear big words. Now as to the notion of ‘Flat Ideas’; I am of the notion that the only flat ideas are the ones never developed or implemented and left to rot unused. You know, like the ideas that quiet people have and don’t tell anyone about so they never become real.

“Free thinking is not football, motherfucker. Read a book.”
-This text needs an enema (2007)

What’s wrong with football? In my mind football is a tremendous allegory for life. In that while great amounts of thought go into drawing up each play, brute power can still change the game. Also the absolute worst ideas can be made golden with the proper mix of talent and hustle. And what is this crap about reading? I don’t read, reading is an anti social habit. People who read consider themselves culturally elite, even if they are only reading the Oprah books of the month and trashy romance novels with Fabio on the cover. Books are a boring medium that only existed because television and movies and internet had not been invented yet. If you really think that the only higher consciousness thinking can be found in dusty old pages then you are a moron who likes to sit alone. To ask another question, why read classic novels when the Cliff’s Notes are available? You gain better comprehension through the notes, will retain the knowledge and interpretation better, and always have a good feeling of understanding when you finish reading Cliff’s version of the book. What reason would you actually have to read the actual thing? Oh yeah, that’s right, so you can read those 5 dollar words you complain about when people use in speech. Hypocrite.

In conclusion, I am right once again and you are painfully wrong. Talking is good, free expression of ideas in good, verbal communication is good, smug quiet people who think they are better than you but are too afraid to speak up and say it are bad.

Now, dispute me if you can come up with enough words to do so. You will still be wrong, but I’ll be rooting for you in the attempt!


Search With Kevin!

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

I mean, why the fuck would you NOT want a Kevin Federline themed internet search engine?

Of course I am referring to the uber powerful new internet tool

I mean, sure it’s to Google and Yahoo and MSN’s search engines what Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation is to the original Starship Troopers movie. But Kevin Federline’s face adorns every GOD DAMN page!

As if that wasn’t enough of a selling point all by itself, by using you are automatically entered into a raffle of sorts to win official Kevin Federline mechandise! This month’s prizes are;

A Kevin Federline autographed 8×10 picture!
A Kevin Federline T-Shirt!
An autographed Kevin Federline ‘Playing With Fire’ CD!
And the ominous sounding Entry into Autograph Sweepstakes!

Ok, the first 3 seem pretty self explanatory, but what is this mysterious sweepstakes they are referring to? Since I don’t feel like doing any research I plan on making my own analogy.

I believe that K-Fed has actually mastered digital micronization, in that he now possesses the science to shrink you down to a microscopic size with a laser beam. Once you are made small you will be sucked up into a syringe with some saline solution, and actually injected into an autograph of Kevin Federline. Thus in some Freudian way fusing the essence of your soul with that of Kevin Federline, and developing a closeness to him that no other mortal could possibly understand.

I guess I just sit back and have a few questions. Did someone come to K-Fed with this idea? Or in his bizzare myopic world was he just hanging out one day and thought to himself, “You know what is missing in this world? A Kevin Federline themed search engine!” And what if you were the guy to take the idea to him? Did you just waltz into the Kevin Federline Castle of Fire and say, “Hey Kevin, I have a great idea, let’s do something that doesn’t involve you rapping at all!”

In any case I suppose I have nothing bad to say about the site. I mean, if you search for Almighty Ray you do get this website listed on top. Of course, if you just type in Almighty then you get at least 20 pages of not me. I stopped looking at 20, stupid Jim Carrey movie.

So if you like to search the web, and you just can’t get enough of K-Fed’s sassy mug, then check out Search With Kevin .Com!!!