Archive for June, 2007

More about old people

Saturday, June 30th, 2007

Here is something that has been bothering me for a long time;

Why do some old old women wear extensive makeup? Don’t they understand that it makes them look creepy?

I mean, psychologically speaking, the purpose of makeup is to create a more sexual visage for others to see. Rouge hides blemishes, lipstick brings attention to the mouth, eyeliner just plain looks sexy. I saw a special all about this on like A&E, so I’m an expert.

Anyways it really creeps me out to see like an 86 year old woman caked down with makeup and bright red lipstick and an evening gown hanging out anywhere. I saw this at a music bar a week ago, and I wanted to hurl projectiles I had eaten previously.

I mean, I hate to be the one to say it, but Granny, nobody is going to bang you! You could come in wearing a clown wig and burlap sack and you would be just as sexy to everyone there. And the worst thing about it is, maybe their eyes have gone cause they WAY overdo everything! Maybe this makes the poor old women feel better about themselves, but it for sure grosses me the fuck out! Don’t they understand that their rights end where my feelings begin?

And like everyone is staring at them, and laughing, and pointing, and trying to sneak a cameraphone pic. I mean, I did. Anyways, I wish they would just stop it. If your salad days were the 50′s, then please stop trying to be sexy, it’s over, let the dream die. In fact, if you even know what the hell ‘salad days’ are, you should probably quit too.

I’m just sayin, that shit is gross.


Garbage in, Garbage out

Friday, June 29th, 2007

Ok, so for cat owners, there are 2 different types of trash. Normal trash that comes in trash bags, and cat litter, which if not flushed is collected in smaller bags. These are things which you are supposed to take the the dumpster when ready to go.

What you are not supposed to do is this…..
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I have a neighbor a little down the hall. They understand that keeping trash bags and dirty cat litter around the house is unsanitary. So the likely concept in my mind would be to take this and place it in the appropriate refuse area. The appropriate refuse area is not supposed to be RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR FRONT DOOR.

But these ‘people’ fly in the face of common decency, why walk the 43 steps to the trash chute when you could just leave your dirty cat litter in bags out in the hallway where other people live? I mean, someone else might come by and take those 43 steps for you! Hell, if you leave it there long enough, the apartment manager might come down and do it themselves!

I just feel especially bad for the poor saps who live directly across from these ass clowns. I mean, who wouldn;t want to have multiple bags of trash and DIRTY FREAKING KITTY LITTER dumped a full 2 FEET from their front door? I mean, who doesn’t want to smell all that while standing in their own kitchen?

I will say that this is not the first time these ‘people’ have done this. It’s been going on for over a year. I can feel the rage building up inside of me, so I’d better stop here.


Oh That Ray

Monday, June 25th, 2007

Ok, so this is an idea that I had about a decade ago, but the fires never die in some cases.

My dream was to be some type of recognisable personality, like one of those people who is famous just for being famous.

Invariably each and every one of those people will get their own TV show.

So my dream was to take that opportunity and totally and ironically piss all over it.

My show would be called “Oh that Ray” and would air on the CW despite having nothing to do with living in the city or being a 15 year old girl. The whole thing would be done in black and white. it would also be a series of silent films in the classic style of Charlie Chaplin. During each episode I play a different hopeless character who is down on his luck. With the whole thing being silent everyone would have to act in the style of the 1920′s and 30′s with broad motions and big actions interceded by flashed dialogue cards to let people know where the story is. In each episode I would be trying to save a kitten from a tree, or depositing a check when I get my hand stuck in a door and someone else comes in and robs the place and I spend the episode trying to extracate myself from the situation. The end of each episode will be the same though. The camera will pull back from some hijinks and become an over the shoulder shot behind a B-list celebrity, like Adam West or Kadeem Hardison, and the celebrity in question on cue will turn and face the camera and say ‘Oh that Ray’. So that will be the only speech in the entire show. Roll credits.

My plan is for ‘Oh that Ray’ to air 4 of the 6 episodes that get made and then get yanked and cancelled. However, and this is the exciting part, about 10-15 years later we will release the whole series on DVD or Blue Ray or whatever and put sick amounts of money into advertising it, so that for a month of time you can’t sneeze without hitting an ad for the DVD set. This will lead to many many stupid impressionable people buying the set. These are the kinds of people who have like 15 kids each and use TV to babysit them.

So now about 25 years after that all these moron kids who were products of moron parents will have grown up watching my show and thinking it is brilliant. So right about this time I come back to TV after being broke my whole life. This time though as a TV preacher looking for donations! I figure I’ll be popular in the dumb circles and these kids will have just started making money, they will create and support a new media empire and I will take over the world!!!

I mean, it’s a thought.



Friday, June 15th, 2007

Once more I am disgusted by the NBA.

This post has been a few weeks coming, but I had to wait til my rage subsided. Since it did not, I felt like I may as well post.

Let’s start with what are in my mind commonly understood points about the NBA.

1) The NBA is all about money
2) They feel that having big stars generates more money
3) They have no problem playing hard and fast with the rules to make the big stars look good.

This last point is the most important. I think it’s fairly understood that the NBA draft lottery is by and large rigged. If it wasn’t, then why don’t they televise the actual lottery, instead of just telling us who won every year?

Also understood is that the rules of the game itself do not apply to everyone equally. You hear all the time about ‘home calls’ or ‘that player does not get that call’, or ‘that call will not happen in that situation’. On all 3 points I ask, WHY NOT??? I always thought rules were rules, why do they not apply across the board?

This all gets me to my point. What happened to the Detroit Pistons this year borders on criminal. They were easily the best team in the Eastern Conference, possibly the whole NBA. They had a 2 games to 0 lead on a vastly inferior Cleveland team.

“Oh no!” Muttered someone high up in the NBA offices. “We will get a rematch in the finals of 2 years ago, which had low TV ratings despite being one of the best finals ever.” The Spurs were already in the finals, and Detroit looked to be the easy opponent. This series might potentially have low ratings as well, we need a star in the finals. Hold on, doesn’t Lebron James play for Cleveland?

Then something happened. Fouls stopped being called on Cleveland. Pistons started getting ejected. Touching Lebron James merited a foul every single time. The officials started taking over the series.

Let’s move to game 5 in Detroit, with the series tied 2-2, the Pistons looked to hold the home court advantage they worked all season to have. There was a hard foul on some no name Cleveland player by Antonio McDyess, where he reached around his body after the ball, and ended up giving him a hard foul despite the fact that he ACTUALLY TOUCHED THE BALL. This was in the first quarter, and McDyess, one of the Pistons most important players got EJECTED!?!?!

Despite this major setback Detroit soldiered on, when something else happened. Suddenly the game stopped being called evenly at all. In the 4th quarter Lebron James was granted God status. The Pistons are known for playing tight, strong defense, closing down the lanes when people drive to the basket, and forcing people into bad shots. Problem is every time Lebron touched the ball he drove to the hoop going out of his way to draw contact. This contact led to a referee whistle EVERY SINGLE TIME whether there was an actual foul to call or not. The result of this was that the Pistons were forced to change the way they played defense, and could no longer contest Lebron when he drove the lane. Net result = Lebron cut his way to the basket uncontested for dunks and lay ups over and over and over because the Pistons realized that if they played defense under that ref crew, every member of the team would have fouled out in 6 minutes. Final result = Lebron scores 29 of the Cav’s final 30 points and wins in double overtime to a hail of praise. Shoot, make it illegal for the other team to breathe on me and I would have been able to do the same thing.

This led to a game 6 that was called so poorly that the Pistons wound up imploding with rage halfway through the 2nd half. More players got ejected for being upset over the bullshit, and Cleveland moved on to the finals so that the NBA could have their big star on the biggest stage.

Which would have been fine and dandy except for 2 important things.

1) Nobody cares about Cleveland and wants to see them
2) This rigged match up led to an embarrassingly 1 sided finals.

Thus we have a 4 game sweep by San Antonio, in which the NBA enjoyed it’s lowest ratings for a finals EVER. Good job NBA, way to make the right decision, a competitive series with the Spurs and Pistons would have been considerably better for business, but instead you chose to sell your soul for a basket of crap.

We are all witnesses…to a shitty NBA finals.

Break out the LeBrooms.


Violence is acceptable!

Friday, June 1st, 2007

Here is one of my favorite topics that was brought back into my head a couple days ago.

I saw a commercial for a local horseracing track/casino. In this commercial a man wakes up in bed next to his wife. She is in the process of discovering that he has a new back tattoo with the name ‘Misty’ on it. She asks him rightly who ‘Misty’ is. When he fails to come up with an acceptable answer, she bitchslaps him with 4 across the eyes, HARD! End of commercial, message; ‘what happens in Vegas does not always stay in Vegas, so go to our place.’

I would like to offer up a different version of this commercial. A man is having dinner with his wife. She gets up to get something out of the cabinet, the process of reaching into the cabinet pulls up her shirt enough that a back tattoo is visible. The husband sees it, gets angry and asks, “Who’s Charley?” She fails to come up with an acceptable response he gets up, loads up, and slaps her hard across the face with much malice and rage. End of commercial, message; ‘What happens in Vegas does not always stay in Vegas, so go to our place.’

Oh wait, do you think people would accept that second version of the same commercial? But it’s the same concept with the roles reversed, so where is the problem? Oh yeah, that’s right, we get it beaten into our heads every day that violence against women is wrong. What the fuck happened to violence against EVERYONE is wrong??? Why is society perfectly accepting of women violently attacking men? If that is OK in this equal rights world then the reverse should be true as well, shouldn’t it?

In my mind violence is wrong PERIOD. It makes for some compelling TV and some kick ass video games, but in the real world violence is something that should not be accepted or tolerated in ANY form. So when I see commercials etc. where vicious violence against men is seen as perfectly acceptable, and actually promoted as humorous it PISSES ME OFF. If that is fuuny why not make a hilarious commercial where a woman walking through a parking garage late at night gets raped comically? Or a knee slapping bit where a man has a rough day at work and comes home and drowns his girlfriend’s puppy? In my mind there is no clear difference between these ideas and ones where women beat the crap out of their men.

I’m just saying this clear example of a double standard just further promotes unacceptable behavior. Next time you see one of these commercials, in your head play the commercial back with the genders reversed and ask yourself, ‘Would I be offended by that?’ I am willing to say that the answer would be yes, and so therefore you should be equally offended by the original.