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I would like to know?

I mean, sure this can often times be a venomous, leftist, ragefest full of all the opinions you’re too much of a nancyboy to say yourself.

Sure it’s rated NC-17. Don’t believe me?

But I found out something new while on vacation a few weeks ago;

This website is blocked at airport internet kiosks!

What the hell? There are no boobs or penises on here, there are only words. Words that apparently some jackass somewhere decided were destroying America.

Never mind that you can buy REAL PORN at many airports. But they decided that paying customers of internet kiosks who want their lives to be irrevocably changed forever by my genius and passion will be denied. Not only that, but when I went to go look at the site, it displayed a picture telling me that my site was locked out. On this graphic, which I cannot find, it was heavily implied that the purpose of this block was to keep adult sites blocked.

Well, add free speech and thought to the list of things you’re also not allowed to see, these companies should be ashamed of themselves.

-Ray

Ok, this is getting sad.

Obviously my first impassioned plea to US Republicans has failed. A little while ago I begged Republicans to stop having gay sex on the sly and still keep preaching family values.

Then THIS happens and I feel as if my words have been wasted.

Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig was arrested and pleaded guilty to lewd conduct in a mens bathroom, then tried to deny the whole thing. I mean, if you are going to be a closet gay pervert who hangs out in public bathrooms at least own it when you get caught!

Once again I am getting sick and tired of these Republican hypocritical perverts and their lewd and lascivious behavior. Is there a working Republican who isn’t having gay sex somewhere? I am starting to think that there is not.

Remember, these are just the ones being CAUGHT. What % of caught Republican gay sex offenders represent the overall #? I am sure we will have more and more of these stories as each week passes. Maybe I’ll just start a new weekly column called “Which Republicans are gay this week?” They give me enough material constantly it should be a hit!

Not to mention everyone involved with the President’s administration are all leaving one by one. Maybe they just want to enjoy what free time they have left leading up to the sopenafest coming after the ’08 election.

-Ray

I don’t know what to say, just watch this clip, it’s short, subtitled, and will make you say ‘huh’?

Let’s talk about fashion for a moment.

Oh, I know what you are all thinking, “Oh yes Ray, please tell us all about fashion, since you clearly know so much about it and have the greatest sense of personal style we’ve ever seen.” And since all of you are thinking it, I guess I will!

So anyways, is there anything dumber in this world than ‘fashion’? I mean, have you ever watched a fashion show with the catwalk and the runways and all that crap? They like to tell us junk like, ‘This fall, (Insert weird fabric here) will be huge! Then in the fall I look around, and everyone pretty much keeps wearing the same stuff as usual.

This is not to mention the heinous looking outfits that some of these models wear! I mean, a short skirt that looks like a glad bag, a mesh top that allows boobs to be totally visible, hooker boots, and yellow striped bandana style headband! Where outside of the outtakes from ‘Total Recall’ has anyone ever actually worn this crap? Do these fashion designers actually look at the stuff they are doing? Or are they so detached from reality they think that they are actually doing something meaningful and important?

So aside from the fact that I see these news reports about ‘what’s new in fashion’, and it turns out to be about stuff that will never be fashionable in the eyes of people whose opinion means anything. I mean, seriously, next time you get a chance, check out the latest fashion show, and think about if you would ever be caught dead in the outfits they are parading around in.

Second thought on fashion; People are considered to be less cool if they are not hip to the latest fashion trends. Yet generally 15 years later, no matter what the fashion was, everyone looks back on it and laughs at how stupid the look was.

Think about it, remember finding the clothes that your parents used to wear? Sure, they were great for dress up and costume parties, but this is not stuff you’d actually want to wear! Yet at an earlier time, this was the stuff that was fashionable, and you wouldn’t be thought of as cool UNLESS you were wearing it!

Yesteryear brought us bell bottom pants, polyester flycollar shirts, skintight jeans, short shorts, mullets, and Jeri Curls. These things are all horrible. They were horrible then, and they are horrible now, but at the time, these things were thought of as cool.

Today we have T-Shirts with profane jokes on them, sandals as accepted everyday footwear, shaved heads, flood pants (Capri pants), and hair highlights/coloration.

Just think, in 15 years, all of the things I just mentioned will probably be villafied and thought of as uber-lame.

So what is the point of fashion then? To give us things to be embarrassed about later? And perhaps those people who are seen as ‘unfashionable’ are just rejecting something now that will in time be rejected by everyone? Therefore are those people not visionaries who are ahead of their time?

I say yes.

-Ray

Or Puff Daddy, or P. Diddy, or Puffy, or Jokey Smurf, or whatever the hell he calls himself now. I have now seen his Burger King ad about 30 times and the mild annoyance I have for it has now built up into a vast Pyramid of Darkness, so I must let it out now.

I can’t find a vid of the commercial to post here, but here is the layout, if you’ve seen it you’ll remember it;

P Diddy’s ride shows up to the suburban home of a 50 something BK manager in the middle of the night. The manager comes out to ask Diddy what the hell is going on. Diddy responds with, “I’m hungry, and you’re closed, what do you propose we do about this?”

Let me stop here, what a fucking jackass Diddy is. I don’t care if the manager is your old homey from reform school, you don’t bust in on him in the middle of the night cause you can’t find a God damn Dennys! Not only that but Diddy doesn’t even get out of his car or ring the doorbell, he just parks outside the manager’s house and turns the music up til he comes outside. Now, at this point the manager should tell Diddy to go fuck himself and call the police, this would be the only logical thing to do, but we live in the world of commercials, so the manager takes a beat and says, “Ima go get my keys”.

They show up together in the parking lot, now suddenly instead of it being Diddy and his small posse, every member of the Strizzle Blunt Crew is out in the BK parking lot. Seriously, like over 100 people just suddenly show up out of the blue expecting food. This should be the 2nd time the manager tells Diddy to go fuck himself. But no, he shakes it off and unlocks the door, then the really surreal part happens…

They enter the Burger King, and the manager turns on the lights, power, and basically the total operation by clapping his hands twice. Yes, no shit, the whole BK is apparently set up to operate via the FREAKING CLAPPER! The camera suddenly shows a whole crew behind the counter ready to go, I guess they had been standing there in total darkness the whole time. This raises all sorts of questions, where did this full staff of employees come from? I have several ideas.

1) This manager is actually a slave laborer and has his whole BK staff chained up behind the counter, they are forced to stay at the restaurant all through the night just in case Diddy shows up looking for food.
2) The manager called his staff on the way to the BK, and they somehow got themselves in via a spare key(?) and just finished setting up when the posse showed up.
3) The employees are actually androids, and not human after all, the manager in his spare time builds lifelike human robots, solely for the purpose of working at the BK fast food restaurant he manages.
4) The employees were actually in the middle of a robbery, and were caught off guard by everyone suddenly showing up, they snap to attention when the lights come on, pretending that they were somehow in on the whole Diddy plan in a moment of quick thinking.

In any of these cases, if the lights are so easy to turn on (clapping) why are the employees just all hanging out in the darkness? I think I gotta go with idea #4, they were robbing the place, you can see 2 of them trying to get into the register when the lights come on.

Anyways, then the dickiest thing Diddy does in the whole commercial happens; the manager, in all his efforts to please Diddy, leaves his home in the middle of the night to open his BK for Diddy and 100 ‘Friends’, no questions asked, no shit given. The manager, feeling that he has done a good job, looks at Diddy and non verbally asks for a simple request. “Can I have a fist bump for a job well done Diddy?” Just a simple fist bump, this decade’s version of the low key high five. This does not seem like such a huge request to me, I mean, after all he went out of his way to do surely Diddy will give this middle aged man one moment where he felt cool. WRONG! The manager goes for the fist bump, and Diddy just looks at him like the manager is wasting Diddy’s time! This would be moment #3 where I would have told Diddy to go fuck himself. I mean, all that and you ask for a little fist bump love and get not just denied, but made to feel like a bucktoothed jackass for even asking?

Fuck you Diddy, if I managed a BK you’d stay hungry.

-Ray

I am left with all kinds of thoughts.

First off let me just state for the record that Maury has the best show on TV today. Every weekday out here in LA I get to watch it twice with 2 different episodes! No other show offers the gambit of real human drama and suspense, it’s like Shakespeare for our modern times. You have betrayal, forbidden love, rage, and sometimes midgets.

Here are some thoughts about some of the situations/people I have seen.

1) People have a strange idea of what love is
By this I mean you have guys that come on the show to admit having multiple affairs with girlfriend’s best friends. Maury asks the obvious question, “Do you still want to be with your girlfriend?” To which the guy says, “Oh yeah, I love her, she means everything to me.” I always have the same thought, “If you’ve been with this person for 3-5 years, you have a kid with them, and they actually mean everything to you, then why the fuck would you go out and cheat on them?” This just blows my mind. Here you got someone in tears just thinking about telling their lover that they are cheating, crying and crying and saying ‘they mean the world to me’. Well, obviously not or you would have kept your pants on!

2) Fat chicks cheat too
this is bizarre to me. I love it when you have some 350 pound hulking monstrosity of a woman on stage, and she is there to tell her decent enough looking man that she has been cheating. Same is true with some of these heinous looking chicks/dudes that come on. I always think, ‘Damn bitch, you are ugly as sin, you should just be happy that you have a man in the first place! How are you going to go out and cheat on him, he’s already doing you a favor by being with your ass in the first place!”

3) Boot Camp solves everything
This is great, about once a week Maury does a show about out of control teenage girls. They could be drinking, doing drugs, prostituting, engaging in group sex, or just trying to have a baby at a young age. No matter what their problem is they always go through the same cure-all formula; Get sat down by Maury, have Mom cry next to you, chick who got shot or something comes out to tell you that you’re on a path to destruction, A large black man comes out and yells at you, then finally you are taken off to either Boot Camp or Jail. This is the most amazing formula ever, because it totally breaks the spirit of everyone it touches, and they change into new people overnight. I already know that when I have kids if they give me any crap I plan on inviting a large black man to come over and yell at them, before sending them to stay in jail overnight, I don’t care if they just broke the cookie jar, that is what they will get!

4) There are some great parents out there
they just did a bump for tomorrow’s episode of Maury, it involves morbidly obese babies. One mother of a fat kid says, “Of course I give all the junk food my baby wants to her.” Then cut to the same mother in tears saying, “I just don;t know what to do.” I have an idea what to do you dumbass, fucking be a parent and say NO! God I wish that there was a reversable vasectomy/tube-tying that we get at birth, where you have to apply to get it undone later in life. Maybe have to take a class, pass a series of rigorous tests, hey if it prevents the torrid path to group retardation that we are currently traveling, is it really such a bad idea?

Ok, that’s all i got now, maybe I’ll revisit this topic later, cause there is so much to learn from this tremendous show!

-Ray

Ok, so I was a fan of the TV show ALF when I was a kid. Funny puppets always get me going, even today! Anyways, there has been something gnawing at my brain stem ever since that show went off the air like forever ago;

How the hell did it end?

I watched every episode every Monday night at 8pm. The epic struggle of one cat eating alien plunged into an American world that he cannot comprehend. There were laughs and tears, but usually just tears due to laughs. I try not to watch the show now, cause I am sure it was not as good as I remembered it being.

Anyways finally it came time for the series to end. They had it all set up, final episode of ALF, I waited for a long time for the final show. My last time to say hello to ALF and Willy, and um, the others!

Then on that fateful Monday night at 7pm, my parents say, “OK kids, get into the car, we are going to the Ground Round Restaurant for dinner tonight!” How exciting, I love Ground Round, they got all manner of food, and you get ice cream served in a baseball helmet, COOL!

But, wait, hold on, the final episode of ALF is supposed to be on at the same time! I protest, but to no avail. There is a huge screen TV in the restaurant near our table, yay! No sound, boo! That and I got so into my food I totally missed like the whole thing.

So to this day I still have no idea what happened to ALF! I assumed that he had a spaceship appear and his friends took him to a new home or something tearjerking like that. A few years ago someone insisted to me that the last episode had government agents break into the house and take ALF away, but I deny that. There is no way they would end that show in that way, is there?

So i am relying on my loyal readers to fill in this gap for me, what the hell happened to ALF on the last episode?

-Ray

Just check out this interesting minute long video clip of Dick Cheney from 1994 explaining why going in and toppling Saddam Hussein would be a bad idea. So Dick, what exactly changed between when you said this and 2003?

So in other words, you knew that invading Iraq would be a ‘Quagmire’ with many American casualties, and while it made no sense to do it then, suddenly it made total sense to do it now, burn in hell.

-Ray

Please stop having gay sex.

i am getting tired of seeing another gay sex scandal involving a Republican/Conservative every single week. I mean, if you are going to run as the anti-gay, pro-family ticket, at least pretend like you believe a single word you say!

I mean you got Evangelist Ted Haggard going on TV and leading a huge group of religious freaks hiring a male prostitute and doing drugs (was it meth?) with him. Then you got Mark Foley sending profanely sexual IM’s to underage intern boys, then the following pre-election cover up job that the GOP did. Not to mention Florida GOP rep Bob Allen, known for anti-gay legislation, who was just in trouble because he tried to pay an undercover cop 20 bucks in a public restroom so that he could blow the cop! And now the best part of that story, he now claims that he only did it because he fears scary black people.

Shoot those are just the first 3 that spring to mind, there have been way more just in the past 2 years alone.

Now it’s the new leader of the Young Republicans trying to force a BJ on another dude while the guy slept! Please, Republicans, I understand that you crave cock, but save it for willing participants, or at least ones that you pay!

I wonder out loud if Ann Coulter is going to call any of these guys a faggot?

-Ray

Hey there everyone, I wanted to put out a simple request to try and assist some members of the Almighty Tree.

Jeremy Buck and the Bang are one of the best bands EVER, and on top of that they are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met.

They need some help in cyberland on the internets.

I need something simple from all of you;

1) Go to this website:
http://www.star987.com/pages/rock_star_vote.html? feed=204416&article=2403680

2) Click on the button next to where it says ‘Jeremy Buck and the Bang’

3) Type in your e-mail address in the box below.

4) Click the ‘VOTE’ button.

5) They will send you a confirmation e-mail, just click on the link in the e-mail to confirm, and that is it.

This whole process takes like 10 seconds, and these guys are very much deserving of all the good things that may come their way, so please take the 10 seconds and help out some wonderful peeps. Voting ends at the end of this week I think, so go do it now for every e-mail address you got!

-Ray

www.myspace.com/jeremybuck