Or Puff Daddy, or P. Diddy, or Puffy, or Jokey Smurf, or whatever the hell he calls himself now. I have now seen his Burger King ad about 30 times and the mild annoyance I have for it has now built up into a vast Pyramid of Darkness, so I must let it out now.
I can’t find a vid of the commercial to post here, but here is the layout, if you’ve seen it you’ll remember it;
P Diddy’s ride shows up to the suburban home of a 50 something BK manager in the middle of the night. The manager comes out to ask Diddy what the hell is going on. Diddy responds with, “I’m hungry, and you’re closed, what do you propose we do about this?”
Let me stop here, what a fucking jackass Diddy is. I don’t care if the manager is your old homey from reform school, you don’t bust in on him in the middle of the night cause you can’t find a God damn Dennys! Not only that but Diddy doesn’t even get out of his car or ring the doorbell, he just parks outside the manager’s house and turns the music up til he comes outside. Now, at this point the manager should tell Diddy to go fuck himself and call the police, this would be the only logical thing to do, but we live in the world of commercials, so the manager takes a beat and says, “Ima go get my keys”.
They show up together in the parking lot, now suddenly instead of it being Diddy and his small posse, every member of the Strizzle Blunt Crew is out in the BK parking lot. Seriously, like over 100 people just suddenly show up out of the blue expecting food. This should be the 2nd time the manager tells Diddy to go fuck himself. But no, he shakes it off and unlocks the door, then the really surreal part happens…
They enter the Burger King, and the manager turns on the lights, power, and basically the total operation by clapping his hands twice. Yes, no shit, the whole BK is apparently set up to operate via the FREAKING CLAPPER! The camera suddenly shows a whole crew behind the counter ready to go, I guess they had been standing there in total darkness the whole time. This raises all sorts of questions, where did this full staff of employees come from? I have several ideas.
1) This manager is actually a slave laborer and has his whole BK staff chained up behind the counter, they are forced to stay at the restaurant all through the night just in case Diddy shows up looking for food.
2) The manager called his staff on the way to the BK, and they somehow got themselves in via a spare key(?) and just finished setting up when the posse showed up.
3) The employees are actually androids, and not human after all, the manager in his spare time builds lifelike human robots, solely for the purpose of working at the BK fast food restaurant he manages.
4) The employees were actually in the middle of a robbery, and were caught off guard by everyone suddenly showing up, they snap to attention when the lights come on, pretending that they were somehow in on the whole Diddy plan in a moment of quick thinking.
In any of these cases, if the lights are so easy to turn on (clapping) why are the employees just all hanging out in the darkness? I think I gotta go with idea #4, they were robbing the place, you can see 2 of them trying to get into the register when the lights come on.
Anyways, then the dickiest thing Diddy does in the whole commercial happens; the manager, in all his efforts to please Diddy, leaves his home in the middle of the night to open his BK for Diddy and 100 ‘Friends’, no questions asked, no shit given. The manager, feeling that he has done a good job, looks at Diddy and non verbally asks for a simple request. “Can I have a fist bump for a job well done Diddy?” Just a simple fist bump, this decade’s version of the low key high five. This does not seem like such a huge request to me, I mean, after all he went out of his way to do surely Diddy will give this middle aged man one moment where he felt cool. WRONG! The manager goes for the fist bump, and Diddy just looks at him like the manager is wasting Diddy’s time! This would be moment #3 where I would have told Diddy to go fuck himself. I mean, all that and you ask for a little fist bump love and get not just denied, but made to feel like a bucktoothed jackass for even asking?
Fuck you Diddy, if I managed a BK you’d stay hungry.