OK, so if you were looking for proof that I am a horrible human being, I am about to give it to you.
I remembered this story tonight while in the midst of lovely conversation and wanted to share with the rest of the world at large cause darn it, I owe you people something every once in a while!
This is the story of Bill Clinton and the guy in the wheelchair AKA more proof that Almighty Ray is a horrible human being who will go to hell.
The story starts in 1996. I was going to school at Ohio Northern University at the time. I was a low impact member of the ONU Democrats Club. By low impact I mean with my schedule I barely had time to attend any meetings/functions, so I just ran into the President of said club around campus and asked how things were going, and this kept me in the loop as a standing member.
So this is the fall of 2006, and it was time for another presidential election. Clinton vs. Dole, the greatest president of the past 50 years vs. the guy who always was holding a damn pencil with a deathgrip.
I heard through ther grapevine that the ONU Democrats Club was planning a trip to go see President Clinton speak. They were going to go see him at the basketball arena of Ohio State University, but I decided to go anyways. So suddenly guess who showed up at meetings again out of the blue? Oh my, a trip to go see Clinton speak? OK, I guess I can manage it!
So the fateful day comes, and I am fired up as all get out. We leave at ass o’clock in the morning (Official time) to hit the road and caravan to Columbus, home of the devil people. We get to the arena and I get patted down for weapons. But they totally did not check the area in the small of my back above my ass. So had it actually been my goal to shoot the President, all I had to do was clench a revolver in my butt cheeks and I would have been good to go!
So we get pretty decent seats for the event. Clinton comes out and is awesome. He talks for a little bit then gets interrupted by some retarded Ohio Republican Club. They are up in a balcony acting like fools yelling random shit out at him like they were in the audience of Bill Maher. Thankfully the Ohio state people had planned for a contingency and had a large group of people go up to their area and muscle them out by holding pro Clinton sign in front of the offending faces and cheering loudly whenever the tarded ‘Publicans started shouting out more inane bullshit. I mean seriously, do you people understand that Clinton presided over one of the most stable and high quality economic growth periods in the history of America? Don’t you yearn for his leadership every day since W took over? I mean, 24% of you don’t, but you probably cheer for Ohio State too, no accounting for taste with some people.
Anyways, his speech draws to a close, and I see other people start rushing the bike rack in front. So since I am a social lemming, I do the same not quite sure why I am doing so. I do know that I will do it correctly though, so I use my physical power (I am not small) and force my way to the front of the stage. I would put myself at row 1.5, since I was only a half step behind those in the front row, but not quite as far back as row 2.
President Clinton, the most important man in the world in 1996, comes down off the dias and starts shaking people’s hands at the left end of the bike rack! Holy shit! I am in position to shake hands with the greatest President since FDR! He gets closer and closer, my throat starts to go dry, my hands start getting clammy. Holy shit, he’s almost to me!
Then the moment happens. He gets to me and looks me right in the eye with a big Clinton smile. He reaches out and grabs my hand and gives me a MAN SHAKE! Bill Clinton was not fucking around! He grabbed my hand like I was the damn President and he was glad to meet me! I felt like one of those dudes from the Michael Jackson VH1 concert in South America. You know, the concert where Michael ends it by grabbing a jet pack and flying out of the open air stadium? And the whole show GROWN MEN are fainting in the front row from excitement at being so close to such musical brilliance. This is how I felt at that moment when Bill Clinton gave me a MAN SHAKE.
I had a moment or 2 to recompose myself. The group leader had somehow gotten a copy of Clinton’s book to a secret service guy who took it backstage for Clinton to sign. So we were kinda waiting around to see how that would all go down. Then I noticed, Bill Clinton had gotten to the far right side of the bike rack and was now doubling back my way again trying to catch a second wave of hands to shake.
This is the part of the story that I am not proud of, and will probably cause you to hate me. So if you are prone to judgement then I might suggest stop reading here.
So Clinton doubles back and starts headed back my way again, shaking a second wave of hands. I immediately snap back into action, ready to take advantage of a once in a lifetime opportunity…again.
Right behind my right shoulder someone wheels up a guy in a wheelchair right next to me but slightly behind. He is obviously very excited to be there. Clinton gets back to my area of the bike rack again, and sees the guy in the wheelchair with his hand outstretched, trying to shake. So Bill Clinton literally reaches over 2 people’s outstretched arms in the front row trying to get to the guy in the wheelchair. It was at this moment that I literally stepped in between the 2 of them and grabbed the President’s hand again and shook it for the 2nd time.
Clinton looked me right in the eyes with a look of ‘What an asshole’ and kept moving on down the line. The guy in the wheelchair never got to shake the President’s hand that day, cause I intercepted the pass and took it for 6 points.
OK, judge me, it’s cool. I am a terrible person who possibly ruined the life of a handicapped guy purely due to my own greed and excess. But I ask you this, aren’t greed and excess part of the American way? Was what I did not the rooting principle of capitalism? I say yes, but only cause I eventually need to get to sleep every night.
And sleep every night I do (mostly) because I know that on that fateful afternoon 11 years ago I shook Bill Clinton’s hand twice, and made life a little worse for someone less fortunate than me. All in all I call that a win win, don’t you?