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So I am now back from my great Michigan Oddessy. full details of that voyage can be found on my Myspace blog cause I’m too lazy to repost it here…sorry.

But while back in Michigan I had a few observations that I wish to share now that I have a new perspective from living in LA;

1) There are alot of white people in Michigan
No seriously, white people everywhere! It really sunk in when I was at a gas station McDonalds just outside Grand Rapids. I looked around and realized I was surrounded by crackas! Even everyone who was working behind the counter at the McDonalds were honkeys! And everyone was speaking English! I guess unless you live out here you don’t understand how weird as hell it feels to actually see that once again.

2) Michigan fans can show a lack of foresight
This is one that made me go ‘Huh?’ at first and about the 6th time started getting me angry. So the scene is I am walking from the pub I was hanging at pregame towards Michigan Stadium. The day is the day of the famed Michigan/Ohio State game and I am headed inside to go see it among 111,000+ others. One thing that stuck out was there were more than a few people going to the game sporting Michigan hats and apparel, yet sporting a BRIGHT RED JACKET! From their get up it was obvious that they were Michigan fans, yet they chose this day to wear large jackets of Ohio State’s primary color?! So when you look at them in the crowd you are going to assume they root for the other team. Come on people, show some semblance of judgement! If you are going to go see a Red team play a Blue team, and you cheer for the Blue team, DON’T WEAR FREAKING RED!!! Seriously, is it that hard to figure out? And I am not kidding, the first time I saw it going on I was like, ‘Pssh, what a dumbass’. The 6th time I saw it I wanted to start grabbing people and shaking them screaming, ‘WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!’.

3) Myspace can be a funny thing
So I am up at my grandparents dairy farm for the Thanksgiving holiday, and out of the blue one of my uncles comes up to me and says, “So Ray, what’s this I hear about you being Almighty?” And if that wasn’t weird enough to hear, he continued, “Yeah, and what’s all this about you having a Myspace page? Isn’t that for 15 year old girls?” I had to explain to him that everyone out here in Hollywood has a page no matter who they are, but it was an uphill battle. The other wild thing was my Grandmother telling me that everyone was expecting me to show up with blonde hair. I dyed my hair blonde like a year ago and put the pics up on Myspace. I guess it is true what they say about you never know who will be looking/reading. That is still pretty wild though.

Alright, those are the 3 main observations I noticed while back in Michigan, I’m sure there were more, but I don;t feel like writing them all now, deal with it pink boy!

-Ray

Wow, it’s day 4 of vacation and I’m a little bored this afternoon. I’ve spent the past few hours toiling away on Myspace and hanging out.

Then I remembered an ad for a bottle of fish oil pills called ‘Focus Factor’. Hey, I wonder if they still give away a free trial?

God I love the internet. Any random thought you can have can be satiated by a couple key clicks. Sure enough Focus Factor is still around and they are still paying out lawsuits to people who got shipped extra bottles and charged for them against their wishes. Never mind that notion then. Then I saw a listing of other products available and came across the following gem;

Yes folks it’s Urine Gone!

The following is taken right off the ordering site;

Urine Gone effectively removes new or old urine stains from washable surfaces and fabrics.

Kit includes:
24-oz. bottle of Urine Gone
Stain-detecting Black Light

WOW! I just imagine some scientist sitting in his sad and darkened room with a blacklight one day. He shines it all over his carpets, mattresses, furniture, walls and floors and thinking to himself, “Geez, that’s alot of urine!”

So off to the lab he went and created a fast acting enzyme to combat this problem of hidden urine stains in walls. Why not put ceilings on the list? Hell if you got problems with urine stains on all that other stuff might as well check above your head too.

This is now my new favorite product of all time, replacing the Flowbee vacuum attachment haircutter, and pushing the singing wall mounted fish “Billy Bass” to third.

I salute you, makers of Urine gone!

-Ray

OK, so if you were looking for proof that I am a horrible human being, I am about to give it to you.

I remembered this story tonight while in the midst of lovely conversation and wanted to share with the rest of the world at large cause darn it, I owe you people something every once in a while!

This is the story of Bill Clinton and the guy in the wheelchair AKA more proof that Almighty Ray is a horrible human being who will go to hell.

The story starts in 1996. I was going to school at Ohio Northern University at the time. I was a low impact member of the ONU Democrats Club. By low impact I mean with my schedule I barely had time to attend any meetings/functions, so I just ran into the President of said club around campus and asked how things were going, and this kept me in the loop as a standing member.

So this is the fall of 2006, and it was time for another presidential election. Clinton vs. Dole, the greatest president of the past 50 years vs. the guy who always was holding a damn pencil with a deathgrip.

I heard through ther grapevine that the ONU Democrats Club was planning a trip to go see President Clinton speak. They were going to go see him at the basketball arena of Ohio State University, but I decided to go anyways. So suddenly guess who showed up at meetings again out of the blue? Oh my, a trip to go see Clinton speak? OK, I guess I can manage it!

So the fateful day comes, and I am fired up as all get out. We leave at ass o’clock in the morning (Official time) to hit the road and caravan to Columbus, home of the devil people. We get to the arena and I get patted down for weapons. But they totally did not check the area in the small of my back above my ass. So had it actually been my goal to shoot the President, all I had to do was clench a revolver in my butt cheeks and I would have been good to go!

So we get pretty decent seats for the event. Clinton comes out and is awesome. He talks for a little bit then gets interrupted by some retarded Ohio Republican Club. They are up in a balcony acting like fools yelling random shit out at him like they were in the audience of Bill Maher. Thankfully the Ohio state people had planned for a contingency and had a large group of people go up to their area and muscle them out by holding pro Clinton sign in front of the offending faces and cheering loudly whenever the tarded ‘Publicans started shouting out more inane bullshit. I mean seriously, do you people understand that Clinton presided over one of the most stable and high quality economic growth periods in the history of America? Don’t you yearn for his leadership every day since W took over? I mean, 24% of you don’t, but you probably cheer for Ohio State too, no accounting for taste with some people.

Anyways, his speech draws to a close, and I see other people start rushing the bike rack in front. So since I am a social lemming, I do the same not quite sure why I am doing so. I do know that I will do it correctly though, so I use my physical power (I am not small) and force my way to the front of the stage. I would put myself at row 1.5, since I was only a half step behind those in the front row, but not quite as far back as row 2.

President Clinton, the most important man in the world in 1996, comes down off the dias and starts shaking people’s hands at the left end of the bike rack! Holy shit! I am in position to shake hands with the greatest President since FDR! He gets closer and closer, my throat starts to go dry, my hands start getting clammy. Holy shit, he’s almost to me!

Then the moment happens. He gets to me and looks me right in the eye with a big Clinton smile. He reaches out and grabs my hand and gives me a MAN SHAKE! Bill Clinton was not fucking around! He grabbed my hand like I was the damn President and he was glad to meet me! I felt like one of those dudes from the Michael Jackson VH1 concert in South America. You know, the concert where Michael ends it by grabbing a jet pack and flying out of the open air stadium? And the whole show GROWN MEN are fainting in the front row from excitement at being so close to such musical brilliance. This is how I felt at that moment when Bill Clinton gave me a MAN SHAKE.

I had a moment or 2 to recompose myself. The group leader had somehow gotten a copy of Clinton’s book to a secret service guy who took it backstage for Clinton to sign. So we were kinda waiting around to see how that would all go down. Then I noticed, Bill Clinton had gotten to the far right side of the bike rack and was now doubling back my way again trying to catch a second wave of hands to shake.

This is the part of the story that I am not proud of, and will probably cause you to hate me. So if you are prone to judgement then I might suggest stop reading here.

So Clinton doubles back and starts headed back my way again, shaking a second wave of hands. I immediately snap back into action, ready to take advantage of a once in a lifetime opportunity…again.

Right behind my right shoulder someone wheels up a guy in a wheelchair right next to me but slightly behind. He is obviously very excited to be there. Clinton gets back to my area of the bike rack again, and sees the guy in the wheelchair with his hand outstretched, trying to shake. So Bill Clinton literally reaches over 2 people’s outstretched arms in the front row trying to get to the guy in the wheelchair. It was at this moment that I literally stepped in between the 2 of them and grabbed the President’s hand again and shook it for the 2nd time.

Clinton looked me right in the eyes with a look of ‘What an asshole’ and kept moving on down the line. The guy in the wheelchair never got to shake the President’s hand that day, cause I intercepted the pass and took it for 6 points.

OK, judge me, it’s cool. I am a terrible person who possibly ruined the life of a handicapped guy purely due to my own greed and excess. But I ask you this, aren’t greed and excess part of the American way? Was what I did not the rooting principle of capitalism? I say yes, but only cause I eventually need to get to sleep every night.

And sleep every night I do (mostly) because I know that on that fateful afternoon 11 years ago I shook Bill Clinton’s hand twice, and made life a little worse for someone less fortunate than me. All in all I call that a win win, don’t you?

-Ray

You can say alot about people from Michigan; We’re loud, violent, overweight.

But you sure as hell can’t call us lazy!

I take you back to this story from a few months ago when a guy from Allen Park wanted to kill himself.

A lazy man would have shot himself in the face, or sat in his car with the exhaust tube poking through the back window in his unventilated garage. Hell a lazy guy would just go jump off of a bridge, but not this guy.

No, our hero believed that how you die says alot about how you lived. And this man wanted people to know that he lived every day of his 41 years kicking ass. So he bought himself all the necessary supplies and headed over to a secluded place in the woods. Lots of wood, screws, tools, and big ol’ blade. This suicide pioneer said to himself, ‘It’s time for me to go, and I’m going out huge. If it was good enough for Marie Antoinette, it’s sure as shit good enough for me!’

So out in the woods over a prolonged period of time he built himself a guillotine.

When he had finally finished his 6 foot tall death machine, I have to believe he stopped and admired it. ‘This is the American way, nay, this is the Michigan way.’ With that thought he put his neck in the appropriate chopping area and THUNK, the machine worked to perfection. Oh to die in the majesty of your own creation’s perfection, it must have been glorious.

Fast forward to now. Where 2 teenage kids tried to pull a Dostoevsky and kill a dude just to see if they could get away with it. So they invited an older guy (26) over to hang out or something in their garage.

When the dude walked into the garage he must have noticed that the entire floor was covered in plastic tarp. Before he could think to himself, “Hey, that’s just like that scene from American Psycho” they stabbed him repeatedly and slit his throat. Having put much thought into this, they then used a hacksaw and CUT OFF HIS HEAD! They also used a blowtorch to remove his fingerprints and toeprints. Later on they dumped his body in one area and his head in another.

What really tripped me out about this story is that they found the victim’s truck at a Meijer grocery/department store parking lot literally right across the street from my old apartment in Michigan! Creepy!

But anyways how does it get that far? Where does that conversation start?
“Hey dude, what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
“Maybe go see Jerry Seinfeld’s Bee Movie.”
“Nah, that sounds lame.”
“What about we go over to the mall and hang out in front of Cinnabon?”
“Eh, we did that last weekend.”
“Hey, what if we lure that one guy to our garage, stab him repeatedly, then cut off his head and burn his appendages and dump his body in the woods?’
“Yeah, that sounds good, let’s do that!”
“I’ll go get the tarp”
“Rad!”

In a lazy time gone by, some kids went out and played kick the can. Nowadays kids play Halo 3 with people from around the world. But out in Michigan, kids are blazing a trail by having fun trying to pull off the perfect murder.

Again I state, there is much you can say about people from Michigan, but call us lazy and one of us might have to cut off your head with a hacksaw to prove you wrong. I’m just sayin.

-Ray

Here is another video showing why the WGA is on strike and why we should all support them;

WGA: Why We Fight

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Poor poor Buckeyes.

Everyone in the country already knew that you were giant frauds, it’s nice to see you finally realize it yourself. Way to live up to your ranking guys, how many times to I have to hear about how the Suckeye defense is the best in the league while my eyes are watching them get torched for one long, methodical drive after another!

And congrats on your schedule this year too! Way to schedule the out of conference upper tier teams once again like Youngstown State, Akron, and Kent State! WOW! Oh yeah and 3-7 Washington! Way to go the extra mile to prove your legitimacy.

And it’s one thing to walk around chest puffed out telling everyone you are the best team in the world despite never having played a decent team all year. And it’s another to get pimp slapped by a team that went 2-10 last year…AT HOME!!!

And let’s give up a round of applause to the classiness of the Ohio State players, handling such tragedy with style and grace. Oh wait, we can’t do that cause right after the game when Illinois started to celebrate as a team the Ohio State team rushed over and started pushing and shoving the Illinois players!!! If the Suckeyes had shown that much passion on the field maybe they wouldn’t have given up one prolonged drive after another!

But such lack of class is to be expected of Ohio State, sadly. They are a bunch of punks and thugs, and have been for many many years now. Need I remind everyone of Suckeye hero Maurice Clarett? The man who showed up to NFL practice with a bottle of vodka in his gym bag so he could ‘Get his Goose on’? Or how about OSU linebacker Robert Reynolds, who literally strangled Wisconsin QB Jim Sorgi ON CAMERA after tackling him?

Anyways, I’d like to offer a fresh box of Kleenex to all my Ohio State friends. You got 2 pluses from this loss today though!

1) Losing to Michigan next week won’t hurt so bad.
2) You won’t have to get embarrassed in the championship game AGAIN! Now you’ll just get embarrassed in the Outback Bowl!

LSU will be #1 again, finally a team at the top we can actually be PROUD of.

-Ray

PS. Ohio State sucks, Ohio State has always sucked, and Ohio State will forever suck.

I am now currently doing a small movie!

I shot for quite a few hours on Wednesday, and I have a few more shooting days left. It’s a small movie, but I got a pretty good role in it and it’s been fun so far to make.

I don;t know what I’m allowed to say about it other than it’s in production. I will say think of a cross between Best in Show, Balls of Fury, and Pink Flamingos.

Or something like that. More details to follow.

-Ray

Thank God that Patriots/Colts game is over now. Yes, it was a really good game involving 2 really good teams. But the hype machine was getting a bit out of control. I was waiting for a live cut to a men’s room where they were going to analyse the color of Peyton Manning’s stool.

They even referred to this game as Super Bowl 41 and a half. That and they called it a preview of the AFC Championship game! This is silly talk. Those might be the 2 best teams it football, but in life things never go like that.

So I shall make the following prediction; The Colts and Patriots will not play each other again in the AFC Championship game. In the playoffs one of those teams (at least) will blow it and fail to make it to the game. So we shall see an AFC Championship game that looks like Steelers/Patriots or Chargers/Colts. But it will not be Colts/Patriots again.

-Ray

The WGA is on strike right now and all of you who who support creativity and the owrking men and women of this country should support them.

If you support reality TV tripe and the corporate monster then you should oppose the strike, oh yes and also I hate you.

The writers in this town have had it shoved up their ass for 20 years now. Seeing as how they remain one of the few working groups that cannot be outsourced, I am glad to see them finally standing up for themselves.

Having them write extra material for the studios web based content, selling ads for said content, and not compensating the writers is sick and wrong. This is one example of how the studios have been sticking it to WGA members.

Fight the power and support your creators.

-Ray

PS. Here are a couple good videos which help explain a few points;

So this was a slice of conversation I had Sunday night and wanted to share. To set the scene;

The Patriots had just beaten the Colts to go to 8-0, then Lions earlier in the day had CRUSHED the Broncos to go to 6-2(!) I was at the IO West Theatre and saw Sean Cowhig, a noted Boston area sports fan, at the bar. Here is the conversation that took place.

“Hey Sean, congrats on the win today, looks like it’ll be my Lions against your Patriots in the Super Bowl this year!”

“Well Ray, I don’t know if I would say that, I don’t think one of those teams will be there.”

“Really? Come on Sean give the Patriots a chance, they are 8-0 right now!”