Archive for December, 2007

Remind me again…

Saturday, December 29th, 2007

…why some people still see religion as anything more than sillyness?

So the new Pope has decided it was a good idea to set up ‘Exorcism Squads’ to combat Satan around the world. In fact, the Pope has declared WAR on Satan. Wow!

Nothing like an unseen, abstract, unproven concept to get the masses mobile! So the Pope has decided that demon possession is on the rise and it’s up to those intrepid ‘Exorcism Squads’ to get the job done! I just have to ask, do they dress like the Ghostbusters? Oh geez I hope they dress like the Ghostbusters.

The Vatican believes that people are turning to the occult for all their religious answers, and this is a direct result of rock music and the internet. I say, perhaps if the Vatican had better answers, maybe people wouldn’t need to turn and look some more. But for real, blaming rock music and the internet for a rise in demon possession? Seriously, what is wrong with these people? Here I was the whole time foolishly thinking that it was belief in the abstract concepts of good and evil in Christianity that led to Satanism, I mean after all, didn’t they invent Satan and make him popular?

My final thought goes as such, even if people do want to become Satanists and occultists instead of being Catholic, so what? Correct me if I am wrong, but don’t we live in an age of choice and free will? Last time the Christians had the power to force thought on people it didn’t go too well. Are these people forgetting that it’s deep into the aughts of the new millennium? They don’t have the authority or the power to forcibly take people and ‘cast the demons out of them’. So what exactly the heck is this all about? And how can millions of people actually take this junk seriously?


One Missed Call

Thursday, December 27th, 2007

First off, let me just say that I filled with hope and joy that the #1 movie in America on Christmas day was a movie about Aliens and Predators ripping the crap out of each other, nothing like the X-mas spirit!!!

That being said I have been seeing ads constantly for this new horror movie that looks like the next great suckfest. I speak of course about ‘One Missed Call’.

From watching the commercials, I have gathered that the story goes as such;

Teens get calls on their cell phones that they miss. The call goes to voice mail, when they listen to the message they hear the sound of their own death, and then a short time later they die just like they heard it. Somehow they figure out what is going on in this scenario, and try to, um, not die I guess.

In other words, it’s ‘The Ring’ but with an even more flimsy premise. This is a main reason why we need to end the writers strike, cause without movies like this how would Hollywood keep losing money?

Anyways this is one of those movies whose entire concept I feel that I can totally negate in 8 seconds. Here we go, if you find yourself in the situation that this movie depicts, here are the 2 simple things you can do to save your life…

1) Answer the phone every time
See, if it never goes to voice mail, it can’t leave you a voice mail!

2) Disable your voice mail or fill up your box
The 2 greatest pet peeves of my life currently involving phones could both save your life here. You could just call your own phone and leave 20+ messages that fill up your box so when someone tries to leave a message it just hangs up on them. Or you could just disable your voice mail so it can’t even access the function. Both of these are good plans.

3) Don’t listen to your voice mail
Let’s assume that you fail to do steps 1 or 2. First off shame on you. Now here is the deal, you see the blinking red light on your phone saying that you have ‘one missed call’. Just don’t listen to it! I am guessing that if you don’t listen to the message it cannot effect you! Yay!

Congratulations, you just survived the movie ‘One Missed Call’. Oh yeah, and if you happen to actually go and see this, please do me a favor and don’t tell me how it is, you’ll just be embarrassing yourself by owning up to having seen it. I mean, this movie looks like it will pale in comparison to modern American horror classics like ‘Stay Alive’.


High Five!

Tuesday, December 25th, 2007

I had an epiphany tonight.

Christmas Eve, but this has nothing to do with X-mas or the X-mas bunny.

I think that the saddest moment in social existence is when someone gets denied a high five. There was a commercial on, and in it someone puts their hand up in an effort to get the ‘high five’. And the other person just looks at them and refuses to give it up. This was the saddest thing I may have ever seen.

I can remember many nonspecific times when I myself have been denied the highest of the high fives. What a sad moment. I mean, you’ve been there at the sports event, you team just did something good, and you turn to your friend with the hand out looking for the high five. Your friend has turned the other way and started high fiving everyone else on that side. He starts hig fiving people further down the row, he hive fives the people you don’t even know behind him. Meanwhile you still have your damn hand up this whole time looking like a dumbass waiting for him to get to you. By the time he gives you that high five, you don’t even want the junk anymore! But at least in this case you got it in the end.

How about when maybe you’re at work and something good happens, and you go up top with a coworker looking for the high five lovin, and they decide at that moment that they are way too cool to be giving high fives and just leave you hanging. What the hell?!?! That is some ghey shit right there!

I propose that in life, if someone comes to you looking for the high five, no matter what is up, as long as they are looking for the high five as a result of something that was good for both of you, that you have to give it up. There is no more, ‘Being too cool’ to give the high five.

I will say though that there is a limit to this. Until something newly awesome happens, you are not obligated to keep giving them over and over again. You may do so, but understand that if it’s played out by that point you are under no social obligation. This will help in case you are accosted by a retarded kid who just wants to keep giving you high fives all the time or something. You gotta give him the first, but if he keeps looking for them for no good reason, you have the right to look him in the eye and say, ‘The shit is played, stop being gauche’.

So there you go, new laws for the high five. If anything changes I will let you know.


Best of the Aughts?

Sunday, December 23rd, 2007

I was watching VH1 yesterday cause you know, I’m officially old now, and they had a show all about the best songs of the 90′s. I caught the end which was the top 20 songs.

I could not disagree with any of the top 20 songs picked for the list. I might not have liked all the songs listed, but at least I could understand why they were there.

I forget the full list, but I was pleased that Baby Got Back was in the top 10, and Nirvanna’s Smells Like Teen Spirit was #1. Hey even Britney Spears had a top 10 song, I’m down!

This got me to thinking, what the living hell would be on the list of top 10 songs of this decade??? Near as I can tell nothing that has come out since 2000 has been particularly meaningful or important. I mean seriously, what on the last 8 years would make the cut as best songs of the Aughts?

50 Cent’s ‘In ‘Da Club’?
Soulja Boy’s ‘Retarded Dance Song that has the word Superman in it’?
Green Day’s ‘American Idiot’ or ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’?
‘One Step Closer’ by Linkin Park?

I just don’t know, those were the most memorable songs I can think of since 2000. I just went and looked at a list of top 20 songs from each year and I just have to conclude, This decade has produced alot of garbage music. If you have any suggestions as to something better this decade let me know, cause I’m out of ideas. I feel bad for VH1 in 16 years.


Still not sure

Saturday, December 22nd, 2007

I’m still not sure about the hire of new Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez.


Rodriguez was previously the head coach of West Virginia. His teams were always pretty good, but I don’t know if he was the right guy. Here’s a few reasons why;

1) He is not a Michigan man.

He was born in West Virginia, and coached at West Virginia. Near as I know he has no ties to the Michigan area at all. This is not a point that can be understated. Michigan is not a program that is about renting a coach. Michigan is a destination, not a stop along the way. Michigan has always had coaches whose whole life’s goal was to be the coach of Michigan, and once they got there, you were never worried that they would jump ship. This is a concern about Rodriguez.

2) His teams always choked in the big game

This is just true. West Virginia under Rich Rodriguez could never quite get it done, despite great talent and playing in (still to me) the weak Big East. I mean, just look at this past year, when all WVU had to do was beat Pitt in their final game to advance to the National Championship game going away. They were 28 1/2 point favorites, and they totally fell apart and blew it, good bye national title game. Michigan is about teams that are great and win titles, so far Rodriguez seems like he can only deliver teams that have great talent, but underachieve when the pressure is on.

3) He fired all the coaches

Yesterday Rodriguez showed up and told every assistant coach that they were gone after this year. He hired back one guy, but dumped the rest. Wasn’t Mr. English actually interviewed for the head coaching job? Does that not mean that he is a well respected ‘Michigan Man’? I guess this does not matter for he has just been given his walking papers so Rodriguez can bring in a bunch of new guys. In my mind, a whole new coaching staff = a period of uncertainty and a down year right out the gate. This past year was a huge disappointment, this was our down year, and we went 8-4! Michigan cannot allow themselves to get fewer wins than 10 next year, it’s bad for business.

Put all that together, not to mention that there is no way he has the gripping hatred of Ohio State that a Michigan coach must have, and it all leads to a HUGE cloud of doubt in my mind as to whether he was the best guy for the job or not. ESPN gave the hire an A+, this makes me feel a little better about it, but oftentimes ESPN talks directly out of their ass, so you gotta grain of salt what you hear on that channel.

Ah well, I was skeptical when the Pistons traded for Rasheed Wallace too, and that turned out to be something that won them a title, with any luck I’ll be wrong about this one too. Til I see otherwise though I shall remain cautiously pessimistic.


Kwanzaa? Seriously?

Thursday, December 20th, 2007

People don’t actually celebrate Kwanzaa in anything but a mocking way correct?

I mean, there aren’t actual people out there who think that made up BS is real right?

Let’s recap. Kwanzaa is a traditional African celebration that only happens here in America. In fact, people in Africa don’t even really know it exists. It was invented in 1966 by a guy that I think is still alive. but now it’s listed right after Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah as the third celebratory event of the season.

I just have to ask; Why?

People don’t really give a crap about Kwanzaa, it’s used primarily as a joke. Like you would tell somebody, ‘Merry Christmas, oh yeah and have a good Kwanzaa.’ But you only included Kwanzaa in there to try and be funny. So basically we got a holiday that is pretty much a stupid joke to everyone who even knows about it.

Why don’t I make up a Swedish heritage holiday for this time of year, I’ll call it Svenlagendaan. We will celebrate it from December 22nd through December 27th. It will only be a holiday here in America, cause the Swedes don’t deserve to have a holiday as cool as Svenlagendaan. And I figure in about 40 years people will be walking down the street saying to each other, ‘Have a joyous Christmas season, oh yeah and Happy Svenlagendaan!’ Followed by snickers and jeers, just like what fakey Kwanzaa is today!

Ah, a boy can dream can’t he?



Mortal Kombat Death???

Thursday, December 20th, 2007

First of here is the link.

And this pisses me off.

The headline reads “Teens Accused In Child’s ‘Mortal Kombat’ Death”

But if you read the report, Mortal Kombat, the game from Midway, is BARELY MENTIONED!!!

Where is the headline which reads ‘Teens kill child in UFC death’. Or, Teens kill child in ‘Passion of the Christ’ death, or even, ‘Teens kill child in drunken stupid ass retard’ death?

So 2 teens got wasted and beat up a 7 year old whom they tried to revive in a bathtub cause they are fucking morons. OK, I get that. They did wrestling and karate moves to a 7 year old girl which later killed her because they are fucking morons, I get that.

Why is this called a ‘Mortal Kombat’ death???

What did the game Mortal Kombat have to do with it? Here’s a hint, NOTHING!!!

It seems to me that those kids were stupid as hell already, and got wasted and decided to take out their childhood angst on a poor 7 year old girl they were supposed to be protecting. Oops, bad parenting there by the way, putting those 2 assholes in charge of anything bigger than their own thumb.

These kids clearly had issues that should have prevented them from holding domain over a 7 year old. I enjoy the part where they put an egg in the girls mouth to ‘Make sure she wasn’t messing with them’. No you fucking retards, she was dying cause you kicked her ass and she is 7 years fucking old!!!

But clearly the 1992 video game Mortal Kombat is to blame for all this. Fuck you, your headlines will cause more stupid people to be stupid than anything Mike Huckabee could have said. To even bring this tired video game cliche into the conversation is bush league and unnecessary.

Let’s recap, were the kids acting out moves from Mortal Kombat, such as ripping out a person’s spinal column, or tearing out a still beating heart???

Did playing Mortal Kombat cause these otherwise totally normal kids to suddenly become violent when they would have otherwise not been so?

Did the game, from Midway circa 1992 have ANYTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THIS STORY???

So why does the headline read how it does. Near as I can tell this is a sad story of idiot teens getting drunk and beating the holy hell out of a 7 year old girl, killing her cause they were afraid to call for help. It is not a story of video games murdering the youth of today indirectly or otherwise.

Shame on you, and shame on those kids, may they burn in hell.


Please make it stop

Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

i just saw a commercial for a brand new straight to video movie!!!

American Pie presents: Beta House!

It’s like the Porkys series, but bleached and sanitized for your mediocrity!

Seriously, I thought the first American Pie was shite. This makes American Pie #6!

SIX! Let’s have a little history lesson;

American Pie – 1999
American Pie 2 – 2001
American Wedding – 2003
Then we get to the made for video trollop:
American Pie Presents: Band Camp – 2005
American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile – 2006
American Pie Presents: Beta House – 2007

Let me just go ahead and give you parts 7-9 right now…

American Pie Presents: Goin’ Greek – 2008
American Pie Presents: Forn-education – 2009
American Pie Presents: Let’s Steal More Money From Fucking Morons – 2010

Are people seriously still shelling out money for this crap? My original observation on the American Pie series was, “Oh great, that’s what we need, more movies promoting underage sex! Cause if it’s one thing that teenagers need, it’s to be boning more.” From there we had one less funny movie after another, til now we Beta House. Let me guess, Stiffler’s brother finds a secret hole into the showers at the Sorority Beta House, and he fulfills his masturbatory desires in mindblowingly hilarious ways until more and more friends of his discover the hole, now how can he masturbate with all his friends already masturbating at the Beta House hole in the wall! And what will happen when Eugene Levy catches one of them in the act! Oh no! Hilarity ensues, give us 20 bucks.

I wonder if somewhere there are 2 Hollywood execs who have a secret personal competition to see who can make more shitty sequels til they run out of money. American Pie VS. Air Bud

Little Sculptor Friend

Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

Here’s a nice short poem I found while digging around my hard drive, dig it!!!

Little sculptor friend.

Aloha my little sculptor friend.
Your bare scowls have no amends.
Like when romulous turned to remus and said;
Look at the tits on that one.
May we sit here and listen to moody blues records?
Aloof aloof, aloof is on fire.
Your one charm comes from the blow pop you suck on.

Silly little sculptor friend,
You may be good with your hands.
But you cannot turn lead to gold
Bullet points bullet points where are my bullet points?
I left them in the void.
What a hobo I am.


Sunday, December 16th, 2007

I would like to first off thank my friend David Nowell for gifting me last year with a Detroit Lions decorative bucket. I had something festive to throw up into earlier today.

San Diego 51 – Detroit 14

Wow, way to go guys! Hey remember when you were all concentrating and playing hard for 60 minutes and you were 6-2? Yeah, I’m having a hard time remembering that too. What I see now is a team that has lost 6 in a row, many of those were HIGHLY winnable games that they crapped the bed on. Now they sit at 6-8 and the season is over and done with.

What happened? There were really no key injuries like usual. I mean by now we usually have about 14 starters on IR for the rest of the season. This is the same team that played with passion and spirit in the first half of the season that actually for the first time in a decade made me proud to be a Lions fan! Now they sit here a shambles, wasting away every chance they have had to even limp in to the playoffs. I would be thrilled with limping into the playoffs! I would be thrilled with losing a wild card playoffs game 51-14!!! THAT WOULD BE FREAKING GREAT!!!

But no, once again they have found a new way to disappoint everyone. If the Bears win on Monday Night Football we will be tied for the worst record in our own division. What a flipping joke.

and to think I was a hair away from actually taking the day off and actually going to San Diego to watch that abortion of a game! Looks like I made a great decision, yay me!!!

Well, maybe this is just the first step. Perhaps another year will go by and we’ll make terrible draft picks and yet somehow we start the season 6-2 in 2008 and maybe, I don;t know, finish it 3-5 to make the playoffs at 9-7 to get blown out by Seattle 44-10.

Ah, who am I kidding, this team will never give me joy ever again.

Fire Millen