Archive for January, 2008

New Show

Sunday, January 27th, 2008

Hey kids,

Been busy the past couple weeks.

Just wanted to share, I got the call tonight to be in a new sketch comedy show at the IO West theatre here in Hollywood.

It’s called Pop Co. and it’s like a live action fast paced topical show, in the vein of Robot Chicken.

We debut February 10th at 11pm right after Big News.

So there ya go, more fun stuff to do!

-Ray

Showing Ass

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008

You probably don’t understand what that title means, I could have just as easily said “Eating Crow”, but that sounds somehow more gay.

Anyways, I need to own it and say I was incorrect.

The New York Giants at the start of the season had all the look of a team that would suck and suck horribly. I personally said after week one that the New York Giants would go about 3-13, and blow all year. Instead they are about to play in the Super Bowl.

Huh. I still don’t fully understand what exactly happened that made this team beat all those others. I still consider Eli Manning horrible, and their passing defense subpar, but there they are at the end.

On a tangent, what is with some horrible sports commentators (Read: Skip Bayless) saying crap like they would rather have Eli Manning than Tom Brady this year? Did I miss something, or did Tom Brady not just set the touchdown record, win the MVP, and complete 26 out of 28 passes against Jacksonville? Yes, Eli Manning threw 4 touchdowns in 3 games, but, um, 4 touchdowns in 3 games? Is that really even that good? The Giants have been winning thanks to defense and Eli not screwing it up, like a poor man’s version of the 2000 Ravens.

But I am not here to rip on Skip Bayless, that is too easy, I could pick any given day and rant about any number of stupid things he said that morning. I am here to praise the New York Giants.

Congratulations on making me look bad Giants! Can’t wait to see the Patriots beat ya by 30!!!

-Ray

La Chambra

Monday, January 21st, 2008

OK, this is a story from like, many many many years ago.

All right, maybe from like 2001, but that still counts right? It feels like forever ago.

Anyways, I was still an impressionable young man working at as small upscale Italian restaurant named “Marco’s” But that is not so much important to this story.

I have always liked getting to know my co-workers better by hanging out with them after work, not abnormal I do not think. One particular co-worker at that time was a cook named Travis. Travis was a nice guy, but a total mess, he used to do things that normal people would not do. He invited me one time to go out with him and friends on a ‘peeping’ excursion.

Yes, I said peeping. As in walk through a neighborhood and go up to people’s windows and peep a look. Will you see something naughty? Will you see something weird? Does not matter, the thrill is in the invasion of privacy and doing something you know you should not be doing. That being said I declined this offer, in fact I couldn’t come up with many things I would rather do less than go peeping with Travis and his peeping friends.

However, one night Travis was telling me about this great strip club he liked to frequent. At this time in my life I had less debt and more cashflow, I was about 23 or 24, and the idea of going to a strip club sounded far less horrible to me then than it does now. So I agreed to go. The place we were going to was a little strip club called ‘La Chambra’.

I believe ‘La Chambra’ is French for ‘Shithole’. I could be wrong. It was located just off the merging of 2 freeways on the backside of an on ramp. La Chambra existed in a (pardon the pun) stripmall. Yes, nestled between a hardware store and a Chinese carry out place sat a strip club. I have learned over the years not to judge a place based on first impressions, so I ventured forth and entered the doorway to hell.

Walking in I was surprised to see how few people there inside, Sure it was a Thursday evening, but still I think I counted like 5 guys, and that included Travis and myself. The smell hit me right away, it was a combination of failure and sweat. Walking in off the street we passed by a large circular couch area, presumably for lap dance type behavior to take place. It was not in use. I thought that was kinda weird, I mean if it gets busy and you are using a reasonable amount of couch space, isn’t it weird to know that you can look past your dancer of choice and see some other dude staring right back at ya from not too far away? I don’t know, I’m no strip club architect.

We crossed past the dreadcouch and got ourselves a couple of Heinekens and sat down next to the dance floor area. There was about as much room to sit as you would find in flying coach. I got stuck in a postage stamp sized area between the wall behind be and the cold, unfeeling metal bar which seperated the stage from the seats. I remember thinking to myself, should the stage be elevated in some way so as to make the dancer up there more viewable? Guess not, nevermind.

There was a dancer finishing some sort of bland routine when we sat down. I guess it’s hard to get motivated for one drunk guy who is off in the corner lurking. But she was really not into it, it’s too bad meth wasn’t as popular yet at that time.

So we got a pause in between songs to have a brief conversation;
Ray: “Travis, where the fuck did you bring me?”
Travis: “Dude, isn’t this place great?”
Ray: “No, no it’s not, it’s horrible. I’m getting depressed being here.”
Travis: “I know, that’s the best part about it!”

With that wonderful exchange we had a guest. A stripper had come over and wanted to talk to me. She was tired and haggard. Her hair was stringy, and she was missing at least 2 teeth that I could see. Still not the worst part about her, she had a broken arm which she kept in a sling.

Excuse me, let me rephrase that; She had a FUCKING BROKEN ARM and she was wearing a cast and sling while she was working at her job as a stripper! I don’t know if there is anything that turns me on more than grievous bodily injury. I sluffed her off so she started talking to Travis. They talked for like 30 seconds when shockingly he gets up and walks over with her to the dreadcouch. He seriously was going to go get a lap dance from a chick with a broken arm. I had to laugh to myself for a moment because this is the type of absurdity which pervades my existence.

I had convinced myself that I was going to let Travis finish his lapdance and get the hell out of Dodge. I’ll just take in the next featured dancer for a few minutes, let him get his happy gross time, and tell him that we gotta go. Then the next number started. The song started playing, what it was I could not tell you, because my mouth was agape at the fact that a 275 pound behemoth was taking to the stage. She had dark hair, wore glasses, and had on a black corset looking lingerie thingy that was bursting at the seams. I did not know what to make of my life, I think I would have rather been at a donkey show. She comes out all emo-ish and gothy, and actually tried to do real dance moves! Like the one where you jump in the air and kick your legs back and forth before coming back down, you know, like ballet shit. But she was HUGE, so I felt the Earth shake every time she tried a move. At this moment a nice girl came over and sat down next to me. I looked over at her, she had all her limbs and a nice smile, she was cute, which was surprising for this place. I said to her, “Can you take me away from this?” She was all like, “Sure.” So off to the dreadcouch we went.

Travis was already mid dance when we sat down waiting for the next song. He had this look of elation that is hard to really explain or understand. I tried to make small talk with the nice young girl I was sitting with. I mostly just wanted to say, “You’re cute and friendly, how the hell did you end up here?” But I couldn’t do it, it was all just too sad. It came time for the next song. I was mildly shocked to see Travis order up a second dance. My dance started, it was weird, she was nice, but it felt like she was weirded out by the fact that I was being respectful and not roughly groping all up on her. This made me even more sad.

The dances ended and Travis and myself regrouped at the bar. I told him we had to finish our drinks and get to heck out. He was greatly saddened but agreed.

I then went home and killed myself.

Well OK, not really, but dang I felt like I had bottom part of society scraped across my face and it did not fill me with joy. But the funny thing was, after just a heinous experience, all I could think about was wanting to take my other friends there and subjecting them to it. Does that make me a bad person? In any case it all went for naught because I never stepped foot in La Chambra ever again. My soul thanks me for it daily.

-Ray

Packers Fans

Thursday, January 17th, 2008

I have long been on Packers fans for being frontrunning, drunk, and obnoxious.

A Packers fan is basically what would happen if you blended the arrogance of Notre Dame fans with the smugness of Yankees fans with a cup of ice and a can of beer. I cannot wait til Trent Dilfer—err I mean Brett Favre retires and the smoke and mirrors disappear forever for this franchise.

That being said how about THIS STORY.

It is a story of a kid who’s Dad is a Packer fan. Fine, some people come from a bad family. However this boy tried to be sensible and say, “Hey, I’m tired of being front running and obnoxious. I don’t want to grow up on a diet of Johnsonville Brats and Milwaukee’s Best Light. I just plain am not a Packers fan Dad!” The smart kid refuses to wear a Packers jersey, as I think all smart kids would do. What does the father do?

Why of course he struggles with the child for an hour, forcing the jersey onto him, and eventually TAPES THE JERSEY onto his own kid!

Good job Packers fans, way to force yourselves onto others. Listen Cheeseheads, when a little boy tells you he doesn’t like your garbage team, remember, NO MEANS NO!

Thankfully this ‘Father of the Year’ got in trouble with the law. I thought by now that they changed the law to make this sort of behavior not only legal but mandatory. I was surprised to see that this was not the case.

Well, thankfully it will be all over for this team in 1-2 more games.

-Ray

Ps. Unrelated note, Rudy Giuliani doesn’t like Packers fans either.

Going to Chicago

Wednesday, January 9th, 2008

Hey kids,

I’ll be out for the rest of the weekend cause in 18 hours I will on a plane headed to Chicago!

I’m performing with my pals Big News at the Chicago Sketchfest!

We are going up Friday and Saturday nights at 10pm at the South Theatre. If you happen to be in the greater Chicagoland area come on by!

Full recap of the weekend’s events to follow!!!

-Ray

Ron Paul

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

I just came across THIS ARTICLE about Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul. You know, that guy who has college kids everywhere holding up giant Ron Paul 2008 signs outside every major sporting event in the country?

Yeah, that guy, the one who has raised in one day over double the total amount of money Mike Huckabee has raised all year. Turns out he’s got a history of racism and conspiracy mongering. Not that this surprises me about an old conservative, but still, just interesting stuff that I thought I might pass along. So check it out and enjoy.

-Ray

Geaux Strong or Geaux Home

Monday, January 7th, 2008

First off, let me give credit where credit is due:

Congratulations must go out to a true Michigan man, Les Miles, on winning the National Championship with the LSU Tigers. Not just that, but making it look so easy in the process.

I have heard some people rumbling that Les Miles turned his back on Michigan and the Michigan family by not jumping ship and taking his dream job in the maize and blue. This is of course a silly thing to say. Any coach who has an opportunity to win the National Championship who turns it down is a moron, plain and simple. Any coach who would back out of coaching for the title to jump ship for another school, even one as great as Michigan, is not a man I would want as my coach. Jumping before a bowl game is one thing, jumping before a BCS bowl game is one thing, but jumping before a title shot is one of the dumbest things you could ever do. I salute Les Miles and know that down the line, I’m sure the door for him to come home will be open once again.

I would also like to personally congratulate everyone involved in what I refer to now as the “Michigan Trifecta” in this year’s group of important bowl games. It started with your heroes in the maize and blue laying a whupping on last years national champions (A team thought by many to be the best team in the SEC despite their 4 loss record) the (Led by Tim Tebow: Heisman Trophy Award winner) Florida (Dominated Ohio State in last year’s title game with roughly the same team) Gators. It continued when West Virginia (Who up til this point had been coached by new Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez) pounded Oklahoma in a BCS bowl game. And now the Michigan Trifecta is complete with Les Miles’ LSU Tigers dominating an obviously inferior Ohio State team.

So all the praise in the world must go out to LSU, aka my adopted team this season since week 2.

Now let’s look at the other side of the coin, your perennial overhyped, overrated losers: THE Ohio State Buckeyes.

First off what a joke it was that they were even playing in that game in the first place! This has been the weakest year possibly in Big Ten history! 11 teams, all of whom were not that good, numbers and stats don’t lie. Ohio State couldn’t even run the table in that horrible conference, and then amplified the whole thing by scheduling the worst crop of garbage non-conference games possibly in the history of college football. Akron, Youngstown State, Kent State, and the gold standard 4-8 Washington! So basically they had 2 decent games all year and went 1-1! Illinois exposed them as frauds, and they were fortunate against Michigan that it was the most cold miserable day I’ve ever had the misfortune to be outside, whole thing played right into their hands because Michigan couldn’t get their passing game together in such frigid weather.

So basically you have a team that cupcaked their way through an entire season, and even then they had to back door into the title game by having the 1 and 2 ranked teams lose in the final week. Shoot, Hawaii was more deserving of that title game than the Suckeyes were! it is no surprise that when it came time to finally put up against an elite team that they crapped the bed so hard and so often.

My favorite part of the whole thing is how many Ohio State fans I’ve heard this year drone on and on about how this was supposed to be a ‘Rebuilding Year’. “Look, we made the title game in a rebuilding year, we are great, our toddlers do kegstands, we aspire to work the fries someday.” This is the kind of goofy, backwards thinking I expect from the Scarlet and Ghey. Let me explain this is simple terms; When you are (Or want to be) an elite college football school, there is no such thing as “A Rebuilding Year”. There are only “Good Years” and “Bad Years” depending on your expectations. Elite college football schools do not rebuild, they reload! You either have a steady stream of talent coming in or you don’t, you either have good years or you don’t, there is no flipping rebuilding you goofballs! It’s almost like they are using this rebuilding line as an apology for a season they know is worthless.

Now let’s take a look at the game, it’ll be hard for me since it was EXACTLY like the Ohio State failure against a top SEC team in last year’s game. But it started with Ohio State putting up a front as if they had a snowball’s chance in hell. 10 quick points, and after that they remembered that they were THE Ohio State Buckeyes and folded like the cheap canvas they are.

The Buckeyes have the best power rushing attack in the game!
WRONG! They got exposed by big man Dorsey and his crew. Wells broke off one early run of 65 yards, then got crushed the rest of the game, when they bothered to call a running play to him that is.

The Buckeyes have a top defense!
WRONG! LSU shredded those bums all game long, exposing them as slow and weak minded. 38 points, and each point was earned and deserved! Hell they could have gone to 50+ if they didn’t shut it down early in the 4th quarter!

The Buckeyes are well coached!
WRONG! Once again, OSU was exposed. They had a feeble gameplan that abandoned the run in the 2nd quarter. The defensive schemes were so weak it was embarrassing, small children could have run for 9 yards a pop against those guys! This is ignoring the fact that the Buckeyes are a team composed of 2 types of player; Thugs and Goons. 5 personal fouls called??!?!! Punters getting roughed up on 4th and 23! Late hit after late hit! You cannot call a team that undisciplined well coached, it’s no wonder so many former Ohio State players wind up in jail, Maurice ‘Gettin My Goose On’ Clarett anyone? And like the pack of thugs that they are, the second the game started turning against them they melted down, turning the whole game into an unruly mockery of football. Such is how it goes when you are the team of unbridled evil, when you are THE Ohio State Suckeyes.

I hope the BCS poll voters look at the failures of the past 2 years before letting ANOTHER future OSU team get to this game again. They once again gave us a barely passable effort, just like they always do, and crapped the bed on the biggest stage of all. Next year give us a good team please! I’m getting tired of watching that sham of a program get smoked every time they lace em up!

So in closing, congrats to all the Michigan men who once again proved their vast superiority to the rest of the world, and better luck next time to that wacky, sassy, criminal-y Ohio State gang.

-Ray

Bravo Disney! aka Why I Hate Children.

Sunday, January 6th, 2008

Allow me a moment to applaud the Disney Corp.

The Disney Corp. has just forced a ‘No Children Rule’ in their ritziest restaurant at Disney World. I would like to say that this goes to show how Disney is one of the most innovative, right thinking, cutting edge companies we have right now.

This particular restaurant serves 7 dish courses and can have a dining experience that may last up to 3 hours! This is a AAA 5 star restaurant who’s prices start at 125 bucks a person. Can you blame people who are spending that much time/money on a dining experience to expect, not hope, expect, to not have it ruined by children?!

Parents who bring their small children into any restaurant more upscale than McDonalds need to have their parenting rights taken away. Never mind the foul mess, the piercing screams, and the constant need for attention from other tables; The worst of the worst are the parents who think that a working restaurant is a playpen for their kids to run around in unsupervised.

I cannot stress this last point enough. There are MANY parents who don’t want to be bothered with their kids while they eat out. So they just ignore them and let them roam free. Just 2 days ago where I work, there existed a table with about 6 small children at it. The parents for this table took that approach to parenting. Problem was they were at a table right next to the doorway leading from the kitchen to the rest of the dining room aka a high traffic area. Let me just say that people trying to run large plates of food combined with children darting in and out around their legs is a formula for bad times. I myself almost bit it seriously like 4-5 times because I was coming through the room and I had a kid run out in front of me. Never mind the annoyance to me, those kids could have been seriously hurt! Here we have every server complaining about these kids all night, so following another near miss where I came dangerously close to completely ruining the shit of a little girl I stop and say something to the parents (who are sitting literally 2 feet away with their backs turned). “Hey guys, is there anything we can do here? I’m worried for the safety of these kids, if they keep playing here in this high traffic area, somebody is going to get hurt’. The response of the parents of the year? “Don’t worry, we’re leaving in like 20 minutes, it’ll be fine”. Oh AWESOME!!!

I personally have blown children out the walkway before by railroading them, i have given NFL kick return hits to many kids, kneed little girls in the face, and tripped many toddlers. Some of these were even accidents! I’ll be straight though, there have been times when I thought the parenting and lack of control were so outrageous I stopped really going out of my way avoid the kids for the nth time. I mean, if Mom and Dad don’t care that their child could get smashed underfoot, why should I?

That is just the safety issue, I could write another thesis just on the loud yelling and screaming as well! In fact, I think I will in a very future post.

In any case, I would like to again publicly tell Disney that they are doing the right thing, making the world safe for adults to try and have a good time in a screaming toddler free environment.

-Ray

Whopper Freakout?

Saturday, January 5th, 2008

People sometimes need to just chill out. This is a high strung world where people’s grip on their emotions is often tenuous at best.

I mean how else can you explain the phenomenon of road rage? The simple idea that you are such a bottled up raging inferno on the inside that all it takes is someone to be inconsiderate to you in the act of driving to cause you to utterly meltdown.

Or the idea that people actually have stress balls in their office? Little squishy smiley handheld thingys which people feel the need to throw, crush, and yell at in the middle of their day in order to stop them from commiting the act of murder, murder most foul!

Or finally my actual point in the post; The Whopper Freakout. See lately Burger King has been running a series of commercials with this theme. Basically In one Burger King store in Nevada I think, they told every customer for one day that Burger King no longer carried the Whopper. They set up a series of hidden cameras to capture the reactions of people and put them of television.

So what the heck is wrong with people? It’s a damn sandwich people! Order something else! Have these people never tried to get fast food before and been told that they were out of an important ingredient and that your item could not be had? You know like KFC is out of extra crispy chicken at that time, or the shake machine is on the fritz? How do these people handle such a situation without acts of violence?

If not being able to get a Whopper causes this level of trauma in their lives, I’d hate to see them in an actual real life situation! Now I just feel bad for these people, like that guy with the glasses who gets the Wendy’s burger. I mean really, yelling at a fast food worker, ‘You get back there and make me a damn Whopper!’. Is it really that important you poor bastard? Is it really worth the ulcer?

I’ll just say that I have been to many fast food places, and not getting what you wanted/ordered is a common thing! Want to know how many times I’ve ‘Freaked out’? Zero.

Getting us to learn how to deal with minor disappointment was the whole reason fast food existed in the first place! It wasn’t to help us maintain the food pyramid! Getting your order screwed up at a Burger King is the American way, and unless those commie bastards are riding tanks down our streets I say let’s keep it that way!

Oh yeah, and I think I’ll invest in a tranquilizer company, I see that stock a’rising.

-Ray

www.whopperfreakout.com

Higglytown Heroes!!!

Friday, January 4th, 2008

So a little while ago I decided to do an on the spot review of a little program called Bunnytown. I was totally going in blind, I had never heard of Bunnytown before, I just knew it was a kids show on the Disney Channel.

I asked for other suggestions of kids shows to review. Huzzah, I got a couple suggestions! So a week ago I DVR’d a little show called ‘Higglytown Heroes’ after friend of the blog David Nowell said the following; I strongly recommend staying away from Higglytown Heroes. It’s just painful. TMBG does do the theme song, so I suppose you could listen to that and then turn it off right away.

I got an episode of ‘Higglytown Heroes’ all queued up and ready to go! I mean, come on, you think telling me to strongly avoid a show is going to do anything other than push me harder towards it? If you think that then you haven’t been paying attention.

My first thought about ‘Higglytown Heroes’ is the name. Where the heck is Higglytown? I see Higglytown as a medium size city in the rural midwest. Maybe Kansas or Missouri. Perhaps it has something to do with Jigglypuff, who happens not only to be my favorite Pokemon, but also the name of my big fat cat. but even though I don’t have a clue where Higglytown is, I have less of an idea who the heroes of said town would be. My first guess is the policemen and firefighters, cause we were all taught that they were the true heroes after 9-11. Then I remembered that 2 years later Junior Bush let us all know that the soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan were the true heroes. You know, cause if you don’t want to pay to get them body armor, you might as well compliment them, after all, words cost nothing right? I have a hard time thinking that this is a show about policemen, firefighters, and overseas soldiers. That does not sound like a great kids show to me, but who knows, I could be wrong.

So here we go. I have had the requisite number of drinks to get started (3). This particular episode of ‘Higglytown Heroes’ is called; “A little big fish; Good sports’. It was made in 2007 so it’s fairly current, that’s good, it’s a repeat, but so it goes my friend. The description goes as such; “A marine biologist helps a baby whale that is caught in a river; the kids play a game of hopscotch and a referee steps in to officiate.”

Wow, this sounds riveting! Is this the first marine biologist in kids show history? Maybe. I always remembered marine biologist as the #1 career in high school of chicks that were dumb as hell but didn’t want to accept it yet. All of them wanted to be marine biologists, it was uncanny! Now that I think about it, they always were driven to one of 2 jobs, Marine Biologist and Elementary School Teacher. I guess it makes sense cause all you need to be a successful teacher is to be smarter than your students right? So them going into that grade level is a small victory for humanity!

Anyways I guess this answers 2 of my questions before i get started;

1) The heroes in question are a bunch of kids and a marine biologist
2) Higglytown must be a port city of some kind, since they have marine life as part of the daily routine.

Oh boy, the description paired with that warning makes me dread the next 30 minutes. I’m going to make another drink before I get started.

OK, back, here we go…

Playhouse Disney, W00t!!! And we got monkeys again! puppet monkeys! I think puppet monkeys should intro every show ever, that would rule. I mean, think about it, “Heya puppet monkey, that Jack Bauer sure got himself in trouble last episode.” “He sure did other puppet monkey, he was being tortured and then he flatlined and died right there!” “Oh no, well let’s tune back in to 24 and see what happens next!” The intro continues, they are asking me if I know any Higglytown heroes, and I do not, dang it, now life has less meaning to me.

Hey it’s They Might Be Giants, good theme song! Maybe this is not so bad after all!

Um, why do they all look like Weebles? Is this computer animated? Sorry, is this horribly computer animated? Oh man, maybe this will suck after all.

5 people created this show! It must be complex like LOST! How does it take 5 people to create a kids show? There are only 5 main characters near as I can tell. George Lucas can create the entirety of the Star Wars universe by himself but it takes 5 people to come up with Higglytown Heroes? Unacceptable!!!

There are 4 kids and a squirrel fishing. The chick is using a crown as bait, since fish like to wear royal apparel i guess. Oh Lord, they had squirrel sized life jacket, I could be in trouble here.

Now they are on the boat in the river. Oh flat top kid, that’s a plunger, not a fish! Wow those Higglytown people sure like to pollute don’t they? Oh man, the glasses kid caught a fish! They put it back right away, and the fish was smiling! If i had a hook tearing through my mouth, I would not be smiling, at least I think that would be true. Now a song of course! Throw the fish back cause they’ll grow bigger. This implies that they will keep them if they are big enough. ‘Catch em but don’t keep em! Cause they wanna go home’. Sound advice I suppose

So I have suddenly discovered that this show is educational, I just learned that fish live in water, I hope Disney is getting education programming credit for this!

Poor flat top kid, he keeps whining about not ever catching a fish, I wish he’d stop whining, Holy junk! He just caught a whale, how did that happen? Now the whale is under their boat lifting it in the air with a gust of water out it’s blow hole, I can think of at least 5 things wrong with this scenario, but for the sake of my sanity I shall let it pass. Oh wow, they are starting to explain some of my questions, maybe I should have asked them!

Wow, then they lost me by having the squirrel speak fluent whale. Where does a squirrel learn to speak whale anyways? Oh duh, the internet of course!

Now we have the apparently recurring character, pizza guy, who was delivering pizza to an underwater scuba school. He laid out fish pizza for the whale, but he was too slow and birds got it, what a lame whale, now I’m glad he didn’t get any, gotta show some gumption baby whale!

Good idea weeble kid! The whale just needs a special pair of ‘Underwater mommy finding goggles’, that would do it! Oh man, the squirrel just popped that logic balloon for me. Of course just saying that while those goggles exist and work, they don’t make them big enough for a whale, OK, not the angle I may have taken, but it worked well enough.

Now it’s time for the musical marine biologist to make her appearance, and she’s an obvious lesbian, sweet! Not the lipstick kind though, the butchy version. What better way to meet this character than through the magic of song of course! She just referenced herself as a Higglytown Hero, I hope she is incorrect in this assumption.

Marine biologist actually has a good plan! She gave the kids noisemakers to scare the whale towards the ocean while she rode ahead making whale sounding sounds, that actually sounds plausable to me, I cannot hate this, maybe she really is a true Higglytown Hero!!! All that and a lesson about what to do when you’re a little kid who’s lost in public?! She is my personal Higglytown Hero, bye bye butchy marine biologist!!!

And now the thrilling Act 2 of Higglytown Heroes; ‘Good Sports’.

The kids are back, and so is that squirrel. Is that squirrel supposed to be from Canada of Minnesota or something? It keeps talking like the people from the movie Fargo. That squirrel should push someone into a chipper shredder, that would rule all. The kids are bored and riding bikes, which seems odd cause they have no legs, but I see that the bikes have no pedals so no harm no foul I suppose.

Flattop’s dad is here giving the kids better ideas of what to do. He’s wearing a bowling shirt consisting of hot dogs, ketchup, and mustard, I would totally wear that shirt, that dad rules all.

His grand idea? Sidewalk chalk! So much you can do! I just remember kids drawing naughty bits and writing curse words when I was a kid, but it’s still an idea right?? no kid wearing a ducky on her shirt would do those things, I guarantee it! So it looks like this show is safe from potential obscenity, for now.

By the way the sidewalk chalk brought out the songsters in these kids, not that it takes much mind you. I fail to see a situation where sidewalk chalk would make me burst into song, hmm, I’ll have to put more thought into that one, I bet there is an undiscovered situation that it might cause that reaction.

The kids have used their entire sticks of chalk to draw tiny pictures, that’s just wasteful! Now they are brainstorming other things to draw with, such as banana, a stick, and a flower. Shockingly that is not working. they have one piece of chalk left, so who gets it? I say give it to the best artist, cause it’s wasted in less talented hands, but I think too logically. The kids are still brainstorming who gets the chalk, and they decide on a game to determine it. Sounds like a plan.

Oh I guess they were not bikes after all, they were ‘Go-go pogo sticks’, well there ya go, I stand corrected.

The game determined is…Hopscotch of course, with pogo sticks, why not? And pizza guy is back! Giving pepperoni to the kids to throw as a marker for their game. I’m seriously disturbed by this guy, I would not want him delivering pizza to me, i mean he stopped mid delivery to rip toppings off the pizza and give them to passing children, and earlier he took a pizza into the river! Oi, I’d call Jet’s pizza.

not the pepperoni is gone, a dog ate it! Thankfully the squirrel had a coin, why didn’t she give it up right away? What a miser! These kids are having trouble playing this game, they have no clearly decided rules, i think rules are important in any game, without rules, you’re just playing Monopoly! Of man, of course, a ref shows up! Thankfully he was standing in a nearby field and has a background in pogo stick hopscotch, what fortune!!!

This ref is a Higglytown Hero too? hat are the qualifications to be Higglytown Hero? I think I’m too jerky to be one, but I know several other people who would probably qualify, I mean if just showing up and not punching the children qualifies.

Huh, not much to report, the ref still is here, and now is offering his services. He didn’t do a whole lot in the way of refing, he just stood there while one kid won. And the other kids all cheered when he won! They have no competitive spirit! No passion, no drive, I would make these kids cry if i competed with them, I’m hyper competitive and a noted poor loser.

Aww, the kid who won got the chalk and drew a pic of everyone playing the game. That is so sweet i now have type 2 diabetes. Thanks Higglytown Heroes!

Oh wow it’s already over!! that blew right by. Clocked in at about 24 minutes, now we got more puppet monkeys, and they intro a show about Jojo the clown. No thank you, maybe another day.

Final thoughts;

I was expecting something far more painful than that. No, it was not great, but it really tried to follow it’s own sense of logic and make a slight amount of sense. The animation was computer animated Weebles, but did not hugely offend me in the end. In short, this show is mildly unhorrible, and I wouldn’t hate it if my unborn children watched it.

I am very disappointed, I came into this expecting great levels of pain, and instead got a perky show about Weebles who do stuff together and sing. You’re going to have to do better than that everyone if you really want to break me. So again, I welcome your suggestions as to my next kid show round up project, but make sure it’s the most painful of the painful, or I gotta find another random one on my own, and that might be totally watchable, don’t do that to me please!

-Ray