So a little while ago I decided to do an on the spot review of a little program called Bunnytown. I was totally going in blind, I had never heard of Bunnytown before, I just knew it was a kids show on the Disney Channel.
I asked for other suggestions of kids shows to review. Huzzah, I got a couple suggestions! So a week ago I DVR’d a little show called ‘Higglytown Heroes’ after friend of the blog David Nowell said the following; I strongly recommend staying away from Higglytown Heroes. Itâ€™s just painful. TMBG does do the theme song, so I suppose you could listen to that and then turn it off right away.
I got an episode of ‘Higglytown Heroes’ all queued up and ready to go! I mean, come on, you think telling me to strongly avoid a show is going to do anything other than push me harder towards it? If you think that then you haven’t been paying attention.
My first thought about ‘Higglytown Heroes’ is the name. Where the heck is Higglytown? I see Higglytown as a medium size city in the rural midwest. Maybe Kansas or Missouri. Perhaps it has something to do with Jigglypuff, who happens not only to be my favorite Pokemon, but also the name of my big fat cat. but even though I don’t have a clue where Higglytown is, I have less of an idea who the heroes of said town would be. My first guess is the policemen and firefighters, cause we were all taught that they were the true heroes after 9-11. Then I remembered that 2 years later Junior Bush let us all know that the soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan were the true heroes. You know, cause if you don’t want to pay to get them body armor, you might as well compliment them, after all, words cost nothing right? I have a hard time thinking that this is a show about policemen, firefighters, and overseas soldiers. That does not sound like a great kids show to me, but who knows, I could be wrong.
So here we go. I have had the requisite number of drinks to get started (3). This particular episode of ‘Higglytown Heroes’ is called; “A little big fish; Good sports’. It was made in 2007 so it’s fairly current, that’s good, it’s a repeat, but so it goes my friend. The description goes as such; “A marine biologist helps a baby whale that is caught in a river; the kids play a game of hopscotch and a referee steps in to officiate.”
Wow, this sounds riveting! Is this the first marine biologist in kids show history? Maybe. I always remembered marine biologist as the #1 career in high school of chicks that were dumb as hell but didn’t want to accept it yet. All of them wanted to be marine biologists, it was uncanny! Now that I think about it, they always were driven to one of 2 jobs, Marine Biologist and Elementary School Teacher. I guess it makes sense cause all you need to be a successful teacher is to be smarter than your students right? So them going into that grade level is a small victory for humanity!
Anyways I guess this answers 2 of my questions before i get started;
1) The heroes in question are a bunch of kids and a marine biologist
2) Higglytown must be a port city of some kind, since they have marine life as part of the daily routine.
Oh boy, the description paired with that warning makes me dread the next 30 minutes. I’m going to make another drink before I get started.
OK, back, here we go…
Playhouse Disney, W00t!!! And we got monkeys again! puppet monkeys! I think puppet monkeys should intro every show ever, that would rule. I mean, think about it, “Heya puppet monkey, that Jack Bauer sure got himself in trouble last episode.” “He sure did other puppet monkey, he was being tortured and then he flatlined and died right there!” “Oh no, well let’s tune back in to 24 and see what happens next!” The intro continues, they are asking me if I know any Higglytown heroes, and I do not, dang it, now life has less meaning to me.
Hey it’s They Might Be Giants, good theme song! Maybe this is not so bad after all!
Um, why do they all look like Weebles? Is this computer animated? Sorry, is this horribly computer animated? Oh man, maybe this will suck after all.
5 people created this show! It must be complex like LOST! How does it take 5 people to create a kids show? There are only 5 main characters near as I can tell. George Lucas can create the entirety of the Star Wars universe by himself but it takes 5 people to come up with Higglytown Heroes? Unacceptable!!!
There are 4 kids and a squirrel fishing. The chick is using a crown as bait, since fish like to wear royal apparel i guess. Oh Lord, they had squirrel sized life jacket, I could be in trouble here.
Now they are on the boat in the river. Oh flat top kid, that’s a plunger, not a fish! Wow those Higglytown people sure like to pollute don’t they? Oh man, the glasses kid caught a fish! They put it back right away, and the fish was smiling! If i had a hook tearing through my mouth, I would not be smiling, at least I think that would be true. Now a song of course! Throw the fish back cause they’ll grow bigger. This implies that they will keep them if they are big enough. ‘Catch em but don’t keep em! Cause they wanna go home’. Sound advice I suppose
So I have suddenly discovered that this show is educational, I just learned that fish live in water, I hope Disney is getting education programming credit for this!
Poor flat top kid, he keeps whining about not ever catching a fish, I wish he’d stop whining, Holy junk! He just caught a whale, how did that happen? Now the whale is under their boat lifting it in the air with a gust of water out it’s blow hole, I can think of at least 5 things wrong with this scenario, but for the sake of my sanity I shall let it pass. Oh wow, they are starting to explain some of my questions, maybe I should have asked them!
Wow, then they lost me by having the squirrel speak fluent whale. Where does a squirrel learn to speak whale anyways? Oh duh, the internet of course!
Now we have the apparently recurring character, pizza guy, who was delivering pizza to an underwater scuba school. He laid out fish pizza for the whale, but he was too slow and birds got it, what a lame whale, now I’m glad he didn’t get any, gotta show some gumption baby whale!
Good idea weeble kid! The whale just needs a special pair of ‘Underwater mommy finding goggles’, that would do it! Oh man, the squirrel just popped that logic balloon for me. Of course just saying that while those goggles exist and work, they don’t make them big enough for a whale, OK, not the angle I may have taken, but it worked well enough.
Now it’s time for the musical marine biologist to make her appearance, and she’s an obvious lesbian, sweet! Not the lipstick kind though, the butchy version. What better way to meet this character than through the magic of song of course! She just referenced herself as a Higglytown Hero, I hope she is incorrect in this assumption.
Marine biologist actually has a good plan! She gave the kids noisemakers to scare the whale towards the ocean while she rode ahead making whale sounding sounds, that actually sounds plausable to me, I cannot hate this, maybe she really is a true Higglytown Hero!!! All that and a lesson about what to do when you’re a little kid who’s lost in public?! She is my personal Higglytown Hero, bye bye butchy marine biologist!!!
And now the thrilling Act 2 of Higglytown Heroes; ‘Good Sports’.
The kids are back, and so is that squirrel. Is that squirrel supposed to be from Canada of Minnesota or something? It keeps talking like the people from the movie Fargo. That squirrel should push someone into a chipper shredder, that would rule all. The kids are bored and riding bikes, which seems odd cause they have no legs, but I see that the bikes have no pedals so no harm no foul I suppose.
Flattop’s dad is here giving the kids better ideas of what to do. He’s wearing a bowling shirt consisting of hot dogs, ketchup, and mustard, I would totally wear that shirt, that dad rules all.
His grand idea? Sidewalk chalk! So much you can do! I just remember kids drawing naughty bits and writing curse words when I was a kid, but it’s still an idea right?? no kid wearing a ducky on her shirt would do those things, I guarantee it! So it looks like this show is safe from potential obscenity, for now.
By the way the sidewalk chalk brought out the songsters in these kids, not that it takes much mind you. I fail to see a situation where sidewalk chalk would make me burst into song, hmm, I’ll have to put more thought into that one, I bet there is an undiscovered situation that it might cause that reaction.
The kids have used their entire sticks of chalk to draw tiny pictures, that’s just wasteful! Now they are brainstorming other things to draw with, such as banana, a stick, and a flower. Shockingly that is not working. they have one piece of chalk left, so who gets it? I say give it to the best artist, cause it’s wasted in less talented hands, but I think too logically. The kids are still brainstorming who gets the chalk, and they decide on a game to determine it. Sounds like a plan.
Oh I guess they were not bikes after all, they were ‘Go-go pogo sticks’, well there ya go, I stand corrected.
The game determined is…Hopscotch of course, with pogo sticks, why not? And pizza guy is back! Giving pepperoni to the kids to throw as a marker for their game. I’m seriously disturbed by this guy, I would not want him delivering pizza to me, i mean he stopped mid delivery to rip toppings off the pizza and give them to passing children, and earlier he took a pizza into the river! Oi, I’d call Jet’s pizza.
not the pepperoni is gone, a dog ate it! Thankfully the squirrel had a coin, why didn’t she give it up right away? What a miser! These kids are having trouble playing this game, they have no clearly decided rules, i think rules are important in any game, without rules, you’re just playing Monopoly! Of man, of course, a ref shows up! Thankfully he was standing in a nearby field and has a background in pogo stick hopscotch, what fortune!!!
This ref is a Higglytown Hero too? hat are the qualifications to be Higglytown Hero? I think I’m too jerky to be one, but I know several other people who would probably qualify, I mean if just showing up and not punching the children qualifies.
Huh, not much to report, the ref still is here, and now is offering his services. He didn’t do a whole lot in the way of refing, he just stood there while one kid won. And the other kids all cheered when he won! They have no competitive spirit! No passion, no drive, I would make these kids cry if i competed with them, I’m hyper competitive and a noted poor loser.
Aww, the kid who won got the chalk and drew a pic of everyone playing the game. That is so sweet i now have type 2 diabetes. Thanks Higglytown Heroes!
Oh wow it’s already over!! that blew right by. Clocked in at about 24 minutes, now we got more puppet monkeys, and they intro a show about Jojo the clown. No thank you, maybe another day.
I was expecting something far more painful than that. No, it was not great, but it really tried to follow it’s own sense of logic and make a slight amount of sense. The animation was computer animated Weebles, but did not hugely offend me in the end. In short, this show is mildly unhorrible, and I wouldn’t hate it if my unborn children watched it.
I am very disappointed, I came into this expecting great levels of pain, and instead got a perky show about Weebles who do stuff together and sing. You’re going to have to do better than that everyone if you really want to break me. So again, I welcome your suggestions as to my next kid show round up project, but make sure it’s the most painful of the painful, or I gotta find another random one on my own, and that might be totally watchable, don’t do that to me please!