Archive for March, 2008

Fun with stats!

Saturday, March 29th, 2008

Looking at my stats for the past couple of weeks, I have realized that the most popular feature on this site has become the Kids Show Round Up.

I am getting loads of hits every day from Yo Gabba Gabba, Bunnytown, and Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!

My numbers have more than doubled since I started doing those reviews of kids shows. I guess I gotta double up and start doing more and more shows, so all of you do not have to.

So, any more suggestions? Or do I gotta start looking for weird titles again?

-Ray

Baseball Predictions!!!!

Sunday, March 23rd, 2008

Ok kids, time to fire this up again with the new MLB season fast approaching.

Here is who will win all of the good stuff this year in baseball.

Last year I was looking hella good about 2/3 of the way through the season, then the bottom fell out and with it, most of my choker picks. This year will be better though, here it is!!!

AL East: Boston
AL Central: Detroit
AL West: Los Angels
Wild Card: Cleveland (I know, ugh)

NL East: Atlanta
NL Central: Cubbies
NL West: Dodgers
NL Wild Card: NY Mets

World Series: (Only cause it’s my dream matchup)
Detroit beats Atlanta 4-2

JoJo’s Circus

Friday, March 14th, 2008

Here we go again, why not?

Another children’s show I will endure so that the rest of you can know what is up.

Frankly it’s 4AM, I been drinking, and I’m really really bored. this is the usual formula for blog success!

I have a few kid’s shows still on my DVR so let’s make some magic happen.

Today we got JoJo’s Circus. Sadly, this is a kids show that does not contain an exclamation point in it’s name. So I suppose I should be lead to believe that this show is somewhat less exciting than the others I have been watching. No matter, this is the tale of JoJo and his/her circus!

Now, just starting off let’s put it out there; The circus is depressing. I have been to the circus before, and I was filled with an array of false happiness, it was kinda like being at an Indian casino. You are supposed to feel joy and mirth, but sadly in reality you do not. You just feel a cornucopia of mixed bag feelings. Longing, regret, sadness, shame, I don’t think that the circus is an appropriate place to host a kids show now that I think about it. But then again, does this sugary artificial high not make it the best place to host a kids show?

Let’s all find out together.

This episode of JoJo’s Circus comes to us from way back in 2006. It originally aired on Thursday, 2/14 at 6:30 AM. Holy Junk! 6:30 AM, the graveyard of kids show programming. If your kid is up watching JoJo’s circus at 6:30 AM on a Thursday, you can be pretty sure that they are hooked on the meth. 6:30AM? I remember from my early years that the stations put shows at 6:30AM to die. Like a show was either totally unpopular, or new and not going to ever be popular, those were the shows you’d put on at 6:30AM. You know, like Kidbits. Did they even have Kidbits anywhere but Detroit? Did anyone other than myself ever even watch Kidbits?

Quick aside, Kidbits was kinda like Bill Nye the science guy but really boring, with no budget and limited talent. Once in a while they would show some Bugs Bunny to lure you into the educational trap. Oh wait, you had a picture of Bugs Bunny on the screen, now you’ve got an algebra problem on the chalkboard behind you! Boooooo!

That being said I watched it, didn’t learn anything, but I watched it. (Quick note: I just put in a Wikipedia Search for Kidbits, and yielded nothing. You know you are obscure when nobody in cyberspace had made you a Wikipedia page yet.)

This episode of JoJo’s Circus is titled ‘My Clowny Valentine; Hop Hooey!’ JoJo makes a new friend with Baloney Balloony’s grandson while celebrating Valentines’ Day at school (Educational)

Ok, first off, nobody told me that this show was educational! I mean, I am assuming that they will flash a number 5 for like 3 seconds and have a voice over like King Kong Bundy say ‘FIVE!’ and then afterwards claim the whole thing was educational cause you learned about numbers. I mean, I am hoping, I couldn’t sit through a Kidbits clone, that might ruin my head forever. Let’s just march forward thinking JoJo’s Circus is an entertainment program and not an educational one, and if I learn something, so be it. Secondly, I can see that recording a bunch of shows around Valentine’s Day might have been a mistake, as this will be the second show I watch with a V-Day theme. Thirdly, Baloney Balloony? This show doesn’t take place at a circus, but on the 7th ring of Hades.

Ok, let’s just get this started so it’ll be over with quicker;

Disney’s Little Einsteins Ad to start! Word! I think there is some joke here about fleeing Germany that should be made, but I will not be the one to make it!

Now puppet monkeys, gotta admit, these guys are very entertaining, I mean, you take puppets and monkeys and combine the best of both worlds! Good job to you Playhouse Disney,

Hey hey, it’s Jojo’s circus It kinda looks like Robot Chicken, but more sinister. I can’t tell right away if this is stop motion animation or straight computer animation. dang technology blurring the lines of reality!

Hi there JoJo! It’s Clowny Valentines Day! A frog in a Ballerina outfit wants to be Jojo’s valentine! Now an elephant in a speedo too! Jojo lives in a tent, which I suppose makes sense. Jojo made a clowny valentine out a cookie, and wants to give it to a lion. HEY JOJO, THE LION IS BEHIND THE FAKE HEART ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN!! LOOK OUT! Oh wait, it was a game. Here I was thinking Jojo was in real peril and seriously needed my help to prevent being fatally attacked. My bad.

Jojo waxes poetic about how many clowny valentines she has gotten. IN SONG NOW!!! 10 clowny valentine hearts, wow, good job Jojo, that just means you invited 10 people over.

Here is the bastion of evil known as Baloney Ballooney, the old man clown. And here is his grandson! Which is kinda creepy cause that means that an old clown procreated, ewwwww.

A blue kid in a cowboy hat just introduced himself as Steve-O, I hope this version does not show up on the Jimmy Kimmel Show drunk and destroy his coffee table!

Balloony the 3rd wants to make balloon animals for all the class, but I mean, of course he does. Jojo wants to make clowny valentines for the new kid, what a nice clown! ICP should take note. But there is no tape to make valentines with!

The answer: Use your fingers and draw one in the air. Oh yeah, that’s permanent. Hey guys see if that works for you next year, see how far that gets ya.

Now a 45 minute demonstration on how to draw hearts in the air with your hands! Ok, maybe not 45 minutes, but it feels like it. I could have watched the movie Gettysburg in the time this demonstration took.

More songs! Cause that demonstration was not agonizing enough, I need a song to RE-EXPLAIN the whole process again. Thanks JoJo! Remind me again how this show got the (Educational) tag attached to it? I’d rather have my kid read the Anarchist’s cookbook than learn from this show.

Ballooney the 3rd seems unfazed but polite about the whole thing. This brings him and his grandpa together and they have a moment. Ballooney the 3rd claims he had fun, but how much fun could you possibly have with a group of people drawing hearts in the air? Jojo claims that they can all share a friendship clap every night. Clap your hands and say ‘Friends forever’. Ballooney the 3rd again is super polite and lies and says ‘That’s fun’. He is well mannered, I like that kid. And he actually keeps his word and does the friendship clap before going to bed that night! Ahh, he’ll probably grow out of that habit in 6 hours.

Now Jojo goes to bed. Her mom asks what she learned that day and suddenly MAGIC ELVES show up in her room and jack up all the decorations. Oddly nobody is fazed by this. When MAGIC ELVES showed up in my room and started moving things around, I gotta be honest, I was less tolerant and more violent.

Part 2. Hop Hooey!

Jojo is drawing a picture of Goliath, the lion, Once again Jojo asks me where Goliath went, but it’s pretty obvious where, In the organ pipes Jojo!

Jojo has clowny parents, CREEPY!!!

Jojo wants me to help her paint, but then asks me to pretend to pick up a paintbrush, but then says to be careful so I don’t spill any pretend paint. All right now I’m just confused, is this real or not? OH JOJO’S CIRCUS, BLURRING THE LINES OF REALITY!

Uh oh! Jojo’s painting is messed up! Paint was spilled on it, maybe if Jojo spent less time warning me not to spill imaginary paint and more time not spilled real paint, things like this would not happen.

The clown parents suggest counting to 10. This is the ‘don’t get too PO’ed’ exercise that comes in to play. Perhaps good advice for kids, I mean, it doesn’t work mind you, but still a good premise!

Jojo wants to know if I would like to count to 10 to calm down with her? Actually no Jojo, I’m good right now, but let’s pretend like I said yes apparently. Jojo, are you even listening to me?

Yay! Jojo is not angry anymore, but the painting is still ruined. Heh, welcome to life Jojo.

Jojo fixed the painting, uh, sorta. I really wish I had a pet miniature pet lion, that would rule. I’d name him Roary, I don’t even care if that’s played and lame, I think it would be awesome.

Hop scotch time outside!!! Do kids really play this game anymore? They seem to do it all the time in kid’s shows. Hmm, mystery of the universe i guess.

And it’s a hopscotch brawl about to erupt! As the frog and the yellow chick start to fight about the game! Yes! Its just means that they are competitive, and that is always a good thing. American values at their finest! Hmm, what will Jojo do?

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And everything is awesome again!!! This kinda reminds me of when i would play Warhammer 40k against a few certain people, sometimes the games would go easy and light, and sometimes it was a battle of jerky rules lawyering, thankfully I can adapt to either either way. Anyways…

I have now watched hopscotch on 2 different shows (Higglytown Heroes being the other) and I conclude that it never seems to go well. They should ban this game from kids shows, it only breeds conflict.

What did you learn today Jojo? CUE THE MAGIC ELVES who move things around! They build a stage and terrain around Jojo, and she says that she learned both hopscotch and how to avoid conflict, good for you Jojo!

Roll credits! Wow, a whole lot of people are involved in this show. More so than I would think. More so than seems justified.

And there we go,another kids show in the books. This one hurt a bit. I think it;’s a show that you outgrow when you turn 5. And if your 5 year old is up at 6:30 AM on a Thursday, get them to rehab, not preschool. And if Magic Elves ever just show up and start changing the world around you, it may be time to move, just saying, maybe living in a circus tent isn’t quite the life you had thought you wanted for yourself.

Final Note: If you are a parent, avoid this show, if your kid sees it, even they probably won;t like it too much, which is good for you. There have been certain kid’s shows that I have seen that might not be too horrible for a parent to sit through, I would venture to say that Jojo’s Circus is not one of them. Not so horrifying that I want to burn my eyes out, but very slow and the songs don’t have much going for them. And also, remind me again how this was educational? Give me good old fashioned boring Kidbits over this any day!

-Ray

Stupid Lions

Thursday, March 13th, 2008

Ok, I know that by now it has become a broken record, but can we please fucking FIRE MATT MILLEN as GM of the Detroit Lions?

News today broke that the Lions have released running back Kevin Jones and defensive lineman Kalimba Edwards aka ‘The guy Millen has had a hard on for for years’.

Kevin Jones is easily one of the bright spots on the team, and one of my favorite Lions. After he forearm shivered Ray Lewis on his way to score a touchdown a couple years back he could do no wrong in my eyes.

Now he is gone.

Let me get this straight, we have a 7-9 season, sadly the best of the Millen era (7 years) and the answer to getting over the hump is getting rid of our name coaches and best players? First Shaun Rogers, now this?

So basically we are the Florida Marlins of the NFL. Except that instead of winning championships we have almost .500 season and then we ship everyone out of town and start over. Congrats Millen, it took you 7 seasons to achieve a season where you almost won as many games as you lost. Now that that challenge is over time to blow it up and start over!

I am so completely disgusted and angry with the team I love so much right now that I want to fucking puke. No wonder Millen was the HIGHEST PAID GM IN FOOTBALL LAST YEAR. Hey Owner William Clay Ford, want to know how you can get the money together to pay Roy Williams to stay in town? Maybe start by trimming the fat that is your FUCKING IDIOT USELESS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A GENERAL MANAGER and hiring someone that has a damn clue what it is they are doing. What is really great about this is that a competent guy should only cost you a fraction of what you are paying the douchebag currently in charge!

Wait, what am I saying? Never mind, everything is good, Millen has a plan, can’t wait to see who our new first round wide receiver will be this year, YEE-HAW!

-Ray

More About D&D Guy

Tuesday, March 11th, 2008

For those that dig the D&D Guy song, I think I may be recording it this week, we shall see.

If it does get put together, I’ll be sure to make it available to y’all.

Word

-Rayl

The Throwing Show

Sunday, March 9th, 2008

What up doggz?

Here is a video I shot that is on Funny Or Die RIGHT NOW!!!

Remember to vote ‘Funny’ at the end because you are in love with me and want to have my babies!

Bye Bye Mr. D&D Guy

Sunday, March 9th, 2008

So, as we all know, the genius behind Dungeons and Dragons has passed away.

I wrote a tribute sketch/song in honor of him and D&D nerds everywhere. Know that when I say nerds, I say so with knowing love.

If you plan on coming to see Big News tonight I might suggest not reading this cause it might ruin some of the joy for you. That being said…

Enjoy;

D&D Guy
By: Ray Stakenas

(Nerds are in the basement playing Dungeons and Dragons)

Dungeonmaster:
Ok, so you guys enter the town of Ravenloft, and there is a chill that fills the air. What do you want to do?

Barbarian Nerd:
Let’s go to the tavern and get drunk and hit on chicks!

Wizard Nerd:
Oh please, if you spent as much time hitting on chicks in real life as you do in the game you may actually have kissed a girl by now.

Barbarian Nerd:
Um, excuse me, it’s my character that is hitting on chicks, cause that’s what Barbarians do. Whereas I, in real life, do not have need of such earthly concerns.

Female Nerd:
Whatever guys, let’s just find the king of town and see what mission he has for our group.

Dungeonmaster:
Ok, so you find the king of town and he says, um, hold on, that dialogue is here somewhere. (Reading in fakey voice) Greetings travelers, and welcome to Ravenloft. Before I say anymore though there is one thing you all must know.

Other Nerd: (Entering)
Guys, Gary Gygax is dead!

(Consternation)

Dungeonmaster:
What? No, it can’t be. Gary Gygax is the genius behind Dungeons and Dragons, he can’t leave us!

Wizard Nerd:
Don’t worry about it guys, I’m a level 16 cleric, I can just resurrect him.

Female Nerd:
That’s in the game you retard, this is real life.

Wizard Nerd:
Come on Elfstar, stay in character, real life sucks.

Female Nerd:
I don’t want to be Elfstar, I want to be Debbie!

Barbarian Nerd:
Guys, guys, GUYS! Debbie is right. We need to face this sadness head on.

Dungeon Master:
Yes, that is the healthy thing to do. Let’s get all our feelings out. . . IN SONG!

(American Pie starts to play)

Dungeon Master:
A long long time ago
In an underground Dungeon lair
Our heroes were under an attack
Facing off with mighty trolls
They’d all be dead if not for rolls
Lots of twenties, and the baddies, all pulled back.

Wizard Nerd:
But right before we could defeat it
Pizza arrived, we stopped to eat it
Smoking break on the deck
Off topic chat on Star Trek

Female Nerd:
Remembered we were still mid game
And there was much treasure to claim
What a great epic campaign
Well worth, being told, I’m lame.

All:
So, Bye bye Mr. D&D Guy
We had amazement in the basement
When we’re just rollin dice
We’ve never been laid
A level up will suffice
Singing, Thank you for the game of my life
Thank you for the game of my life

Other Nerd:
Did you know This RPG
Created way back in ‘70
Is in the gaming hall of fame?
Have you heard of Dahlia
My girlfriend who lives in Canada
You’ll never meet her, what a shame

Barbarian Nerd:
Well I can tell you all what THACO means
And I, slay dragons in my dreams
And I don’t sleep it’s true
Cause I just drink Mountain Dew

Dungeon Master:
Ooo, so we gather down here every Friday night
With fantasy battles of dark and light
We all know who brought us delight
Oh yes, it was Gygax
We started singin’

All:
Bye bye Mr. D&D Guy
We had amazement in the basement
When we’re just rollin dice
We’ve never been laid
A level up will suffice
Singing, Thank you for the game of my life
Thank you for the game of my life

Mom: (Yelling from offstage)(Music cuts out)
Hey, you guys be quiet down there. Some people in this house gotta work in the morning! Geez!

Dungeon Master:
Sorry Mom!

All: (Quietly)(Music comes back quiet, the last part of the song)
Bye bye Mr. D&D Guy
We had amazement in the basement
When we’re just rollin dice
We’ve never been laid
A level up will suffice
Singing, Thank you for the game of my life

(scene)

-Ray

Ps. Steal this sketch which was copyrighted by me on 3-6-08 and know that I will kill you, and use your bones to butter my bread. Better than that: Why not give me a job???

Congrats BlockBuster!!!

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

Because I am for sure never going to rent from you ever again!

I needed to rent a game for the Playstation 2, so I went in to my local BlockBuster video. I’ve heard recently that this company has fallen on hard times and is getting crushed by Netflix. Well, Netflix rules all so that would not surprise me.

Anyways I go in there looking to rent Guitar Hero 3. I find it no problem, and see a sign, ‘Rent 2 games for 10 bucks’. Hey, that is not a bad deal, so I picked up a copy of Assassin’s Creed from Xbox 360 as well.

To the register I go. The guy behind the counter looked like a kid I would not want to leave my kids with. Not cause he’d do anything sick, just that he might accidentally drown in the bathtub while he was over. Anyways this guy rings up my games and says word for word, ‘Wow, they really rape you on game rentals here’. Oh good. He goes to scan my second game when his computer crashes. Ok, so I wait around for him to reboot it. He has to get a fellow coworker to show him how to undo his previous transaction with me so that he can start it over. He does this, then says, ‘Ok dude that will be 16 bucks’. To which I respond, ‘I thought it was 2 for 10 bucks?’ ‘Oh no man, that’s just for older games, not Xbox 360 titles.’

Flipping great, so I take Assassin’s Creed back and look for something else to rent for the PS2. Settling on God of War 2 I return to the register.

So he scans my card again, scans the titles, and then poof, his computer crashes again. Again he needs to get his coworker to help him out getting it started again. Then he goes on a diatribe about how much BlockBuster sucks and how their machines never work and the company doesn;t care enough to fix or update them. Nice.

We get started again, he scans my card for the 4th time or so, and then rings in the games. He goes to put in the coupon code to get the discount when, you guessed it, for the third time his computer crashes on him. During this time by the way, the more competent coworker that has been helping him has taken care of roughly 10 other customers while I have been standing there.

Reboots AGAIN and scans my card again, for the 5th time pulling it out of my wallet. Scans both games, scans the coupon, it finally works! I pay and get the hell out while he makes comments to his coworker about how he feels bad for making me wait around so long.

This whole transaction, which should have taken 2 minutes from entering to leaving the store took over 20 minutes, making sure I was behind schedule for the other places I was going that night.

Now my favorite part. BlockBuster has had a big deal about ‘The end of late fees’. So I was not worried about keeping my games a few extra days. I returned them on Monday early evening when they were due the Friday before. No big deal…

That is until I get a call from BlockBuster at 6:58 AM Tuesday morning which wakes me up as I had just gone to bed a couple hours earlier. They hit me with a recorded message that I needed to return the games to the store, mind you I had already done this the day before. And they called at M-Fing 6:58 AM, jackasses.

So thanks BlockBuster for making it clear to me that I should never use your overpriced rental service ever again. Next time I forget how much you guys suck I’ll now have this cherished experience to remember to guarantee that I never set foot in your store ever again.

Thanks!

-Ray

Bye Bye Brett

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

i woke up naturally at an oddly weird early time. My DVR had switched my TV to the Cartoon Network, but I just felt weirdly compelled to turn over to ESPN. After about 2 minutes I heard it, the happiest sports news I have heard in a very long time;

We have just gotten a report in 15 minutes ago that Brett Favre has announced his retirement.

I’m glad the old man is finally gone.

To be fair that guy should have retired back in 1998 after getting jobbed out by John Elway. He has not been any good in a long long time. People look at his numbers from this past season as proof that ‘He’s still got it’. Really?

535 Passes Attempted
356 Passes Completed
4155 Yards Passing
28 TD’s
15 INT’s
QB Rating of 95.7

That’s an OK year. Let’s just compare those numbers to Scott Mitchell, Detroit Lions QB in 1995 shall we? Favre’s numbers will be the ones in (_)

Scott Mitchell – 1995
583 Passes Attempted (535)
346 Passes Completed (356)
4338 Yards Passing (4155)
32 TD’s (28)
12 INT’s (15)
92.3 QB Rating (95.7)

So basically Favre had a year comparable, but not quite as good as, Scott Mitchell back in 1995.

Funny though, when Mitchell had that season I don’t remember any mainstream press trying to get him MVP votes? I don’t remember the Lions getting 6 prime time games? All these people who are slurping Brett Favre need to freaking cut it out, the guy is a has been who got lucky in one season in his whole 17 year career. In fact, if it wasn’t for Super Bowl MVP Desmond Howard manning up like the big game has never seen before or since, Favre probably would have ZERO rings.

So congrats Favre aka The Interception King, you had a season almost as good as Scott Mitchell did in 1995, don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out of town. I got the tractor all warmed up for you.

May the Aaron Rodgers era begin! Can’t wait til act 1, when Your Detroit Lions finally get the monkey off their backs and go into Green Bay and win, you heard it, I’m calling it right here, right now. Detroit will win in Green Bay this year.

Now that is what I call something worth waking up for!

-Ray

Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

Alright, let’s tighten up our gear and get ready to delve again into the magical world of children’s pop culture! Huzzah!

I’m a little under the weather today, so once again I’ll be trying to do this sober. Well, hmm, I think actually I can make the best of both worlds, I’ll pound some NyQuil before watching this one. I cannot be held responsible though if I pass out halfway through watching.

Tonight’s feature is a special show being done partially by request. It was at the top of my list anyways, and on top of that some people wanted me to do it. So Yee-Haw! It’s time for some Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! And yes, that is the name of the show, exclamation points and all. You know, come to think of it, seems like alot of shows are using the exclamation point gimmick to make their show seem more exciting, doesn’t it?

Anyways, This show aired on Thursday, 2/14 at 1:30pm on Nickelodeon. It;’s a repeat from 2007 named ‘Mr. Valentine’. The digital guide description is as follows; Wubbzy helps deliver Valentines’ Day cards when the mailman gets sick, but is disappointed when there are none for him. It turns out his friends were only saving the best for last, as they surprise him with cards and gifts after he saves the day. (Animated)

Wow, kinda seems like all the drama has already been cut out of the show since they went ahead and spoiled the twist ending already. I mean, if I already know that Wubbzy is going to get gifts and cards from his friends, where am I supposed to feel the pathos for him? How can the show build drama? Geez, this is kinda like when I rented Reservoir Dogs in high school for the first time on the advice of a friend of mine. So I tell that friend, Chris Berzac, that I am planning on watching it after school that day and he blurts out, ‘At the end they all die, just so you know,’ Wow, thanks Chris, and here I was hoping that the movie experience might have contained some impact on me. He went on to tell me that ‘The movie had been ruined for him before he saw it, so he was passing along the disappointment’. I guess if you’ve never seen the movie yourself I just ruined it for you, but the damn thing came out in like 1991, you got nobody to blame but yourself, jerkface!

Anyways, this is not a rant about how Reservoir Dogs was ruined for me, this is a moment by moment review of Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! Let’s take a look at my first impressions despite not having put it on yet;

Obviously this show revolves around someone named Wubbzy. Exactly what Wubbzy is is beyond me. I know it’s animated, so it could be anything. My first visual thought is that Wubbzy is a poofy blue monster with a big mouth on his circular body. Now mind you I’m probably totally wrong, but what the heck? Also it is obvious to me that Wubbzy constantly does things to amaze all of those around him. I mean, the show is called Wow! Wow! Wubbzy with no less than 3 exclamation points!!! The name if the show is not ‘Oh yeah, it’s that guy Wubbzy’. It’s not called ‘I’m indifferent towards Wubbzy’, and it’s for sure not called ‘Blending in with the crowd, doesn’t talk much, they call him Wubbzy’. No my friends, that would suck. This is WOW! WOW! FREAKING WUBBZY!

Alright, I’m getting fired up, time to hit the NyQuil and get started.

Done, and for some reason my furniture seems alot more comfortable than it was before, huh.

We start with an ad for Air Wick. Really? I didn’t realize that the number one market for plug in air fresheners were small children, but then again I’m no longer in the advertising business. Thankfully might I add.

Wow, I’m just totally wrong about Wubbzy. He’s a yellow cat looking thing. He hangs with bunnies, and an animal thing with glasses I can’t quite identify, maybe a raccoon or something. Wubbzy lives in a tree, and hangs out and stuff, that theme song moved way too fast for me to totally follow.

We open with squirrels and birds and they are giving V-day gifts! Wubbzy checks his mail, Wubbzy gets no love! Oh no! Sorry, no drama happening for me, cause I know what’s going to happen.

His friends haven’t gotten their mail yet either, I think the mailman must be dead, to the post office we will go!

Oops, I may haver spoken too quick, Mr. Mailman is sick, not dead. He looks like Mr. Orange after he got shot, not to bring up Reservoir Dogs again. But thankfully Wubbzy and pals will deliver the mail for him! I wish more kids and animals would do that. You know, do my work for me when I’m not feeling like it, that would rule if a small team of cartoon animals would show up and work my shift and give me the cash. Ah dreams.

And now we’re delivering! Wubbzy rides on a Segway looking thing, Well, it’s more of a skateboard with a handlebar, so yeah, a Segway. Wubbzy delivers V-day cards to the animals at the zoo. Ok seriously, who is sending love cards to the animals? That is just weird, someone should look into that.

I think this is a classic example of giving all the minor characters screen time, as Wubbzy is delivering cards to everyone who had probably ever appeared on the show. Wubbzy was doing all the leg work when his bunny friend just built a machine to shoot the cards to all the proper mailboxes. The machine does not work, so the bunny dumps the work onto Wubbzy, who lugs out another load of cards and delivers them, strangely to more animals, is there some secret theme to this show that I should be picking up on?

Hmm, seems to me like the show should be called ‘Take advantage of Wubbzy’s kindness!’

One card left, deliver to the nerd raccoon animal from earlier, Walden! Walden is still planning his route to deliver his letters. Of course, Walden dumps the load of work on Wubbzy, who again takes the whole load onto his own shoulders.

This includes a stint delivering cards to Dinosaur Island, by raft no less! Wubbzy is one heck of a trooper! You know, I just noticed that everyone on this show lives in Super Mario World, I mean all the backgrounds look straight lifted from that game, like the clouds and square trees and stuff. I’m starting to look for question mark gold boxes.

One card left again, and it’s for the mailman! UH OH, it’s the plot point I NEVER saw coming; Wubbzy gets left out. there was no mistake, Wubbzy even owns up that he delivered every card, and slumps forward. Ok, a little pathos is in order, BUT WAIT!! everyone is outside with cards for Wubbzy! Wubbzy’s cards were stuck in the bunny’s machine the whole time! Dumb bunny.

Now a song! There is love everywhere! Love is on a rainbow! I swear Wubbzy was designed wholly to be placed on an ironic wristband at Hot Topic 10 years from now, I’m positive on this fact.

This song could be They Might Be Giants, but it is definitely not. Influenced heavily though, I’ll say that.

COMMERCIAL BREAK! And Nick Jr. wishes me a happy Chinese new year from a small black girl wearing a cast! Natch!

Should I fast forward through the commercials? No, these ads support the Wubbzy endeavor, let’s make fun of them instead!

1) Time Warner ad sales department needs you! Huh, appealing to kids to work in advertising. I’m pretty sure most ad campaigns were designed by 5 year olds, so this makes complete sense.

2) El Pollo Loco chicken fast food restaurants! They don’t have these in Michigan! It’s healthier so you know it’s in California! Yum!

3) IHOP, go there, eat waffles!

4) Cleaning products! Bam bleach in your toilet will work just fine! You know, it’s almost like these ads are not for the kids, huh.

5) Huggies ad! I think it implies that there is a kid who poops bricks, but I’m not sure, if my kid ever pooped a brick my first thought would be, dang, when did my kid eat a brick? I’m a bad parent.

6) American Intercontinental university! Go there!

7) Brooke shields for Colgate!! Now I’m sure these are for moms.

Back to the show!

Wubbzy in the Middle! His friends look unhappy! We open at Walden’s book house! The place is a mess, but Walden denies it, he should read the 12 steps. Ah there he goes, he owned it, he was listening to me, um type. He needs a hand putting the books away! Let me guess how this one will go; The bunny invents something crappy that won’t work, and then Wubbzy will end up just doing it all himself.

And bunny walks in with a machine to put books away! I wrote this show! And it doesn’t work! I FOR SURE wrote this show! And now we have a bigger mess than before, Word up, I am high fiving myself. Walden wants to fix the machine…and breaks it, DOH! And bunny is PISSED!!! Walden is PISSED!!! Wubbzy wants to play nice, but the FIGHT IS ON!!! no kickity kickball for you Wubbzy.

We go to the sitting rock, where Wubbzy formulates a devious plan, that does not involve putting all the books away, looks like I lost my job as writer for this show. The plan is blow up 2 balloons! This must work!

We sneak to Walden’s bookhouse, where he finds the balloon, with a note, ‘From your best friend in the world, meet me at some place’. I see where this is going.

To bunny’s house! Same deal. Wuzzleberg square is the place to meet for those playing along at home.

This plan is way too easy, no way it will go off without a hitch. They bump into each other, and the RAGE IS ON!!! Kickity Kickball, let’s get it on! Or not, cause they are still mad, and they leave Wubbzy holding both balloons, OH NO! He flies away past the square Super Mario clouds.

The chase is on, Walden and bunny are going after him! Up a mountain, holy crap! Now straight to Burry Bush Canyon. Ahem, I don’t need to go there, I’ll let that one pass.

A helicopter tries to run Wubbzy down but misses, so instead it’s into an…airplane car wash! um, huh? Is that how it works? Ah, why not!

They need to get Wubbzy a book to make him too heavy to fly away on the balloons anymore, so they will use the machine from earlier to make it happen. Yes! This is right, this will work! Launch away!!! And down he comes, nice. That went like a puzzle from Zork 2, and one that I would have needed the crappy hint booklet to solve too, by the way.

Now we are all friends again, til the machine launches Wubbzy into the air high high away! And he lands in a hard fountain and is fine. If he was fine from that fall though, why didn’t he just let go of the balloons and fall before? Oh well, logic and kids animated shows need not coexist in the same realm together. Those circles need not connect.

Now Wubbzy is having issues with stamps, and he’s covered in them! He’s out of stamps, cause he’s covered in them, so he mails himself to the bunny to deliver the card, I mean, of course he does! Excuse me for asking but if it wasn’t too much to deliver mail to dinosaur island earlier, why was it so rough for him to hand deliver this one letter without use of the postal system? Ah, time for another commercial break. But I’m pretty sure this is over very soon, so no commercial recap this time around, cause we got 2 minutes til this recording stops. I don’t like ads in my small kids shows, there ought to be a law!

And yes, we’re done.

So there you have it, I find myself strangely unaffected by this show. There was nothing too terribly horrible to it, but it felt a little more fast paced and extreme than the others that I been watching. Not overtly extreme, but something just felt a little too hurried for me, I guess kids with ADD (Which I believe is now 93% of all kids these days) will be able hang with it. Eh, I don’t know though, it felt like SpongeBob but aimed at kids about 5 years younger. Parents will probably be able to watch this one without their heads exploding, and I suppose that is a good thing.

And I’ll be looking for those ironic wristbands at Hot Topic.

-Ray

PS. I’m still taking suggestions for the next show to watch. so if you got something, let me know! barring any suggestions, I’ll just hit up the next one on my DVR when the time feels right.