Archive for April, 2008

Back in the ring again?

Monday, April 28th, 2008

A little sparring from this past weekend.

The Wiggles

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

Ok, i been putting this one off for a while. But I think it is high time I get to the bottom of this popular kids show. I have heard about the Wiggles before. A bunch of guys whose sexuality was never in question sing to the children and are beloved for doing so. Kinda like Sharon, Lois, and Brahm, but with more oomph for the money.

This is an episode from 2007, and it aired on 2-14 at 7am on The Disney Channel. Still a leftover from when I DVR’d a bunch of kids shows for later perusal.

This episode is called ‘Home Sweet Home’. The guys recall friends and family members who helped make their house a home; the letter C is spotlighted; cricket player Brett Lee gives tips on playing the game (Educational)

Well holy junk cricket player Brett Lee is in this episode?!?!?! Looks like this is my lucky day! Gosh willing if only I understood a modicum of cricket this might possibly be a huge deal to me! Is Brett Lee a cross between Bret Favre and Tommy Lee? As in he keeps his teammates at bay every year by holding back his retirement announcement while at the same time entertains Pamela Anderson on a boat? That guy would rule. Or is he a cross between Brett Michaels and Bruce Lee? He hosts a reality show where he gets loose women to try and date him, and the losers get their heads kicked off!!! I would for sure watch that show, that would rule all!

I am probably not that lucky.

Ok, enough stalling, let’s get knee deep into the wacky world of The Wiggles!

We of course start with puppet monkeys, cause what show could start without them?

wait, a double dip of puppet monkeys? Wow!!! A baby says a word that rhymes with ooo, must be goo they say! I was thinking poo. Dang.

Here we go! It’s 4 guys who sing! I had heard that. They are Australian aren’t they?

Thankfully like Star Trek crew members they wear different colored shirts to tell them apart! If they beam down to a planet surface my bets go against the red one.

And they play on the beach! It’s like the Beach Boys, but from Hades! Oh wait, that might describe the actual Beach Boys. Poo.

They are ready to Wiggle! Wiggle their fingers and wiggle their eyes! What? Ready to wiggle my hair? What is wrong with you people? This is taking a gimmick too far! I am for sure not ready to wiggle my hair!

Oh Lord, I just had a vision where I finally make my big breakthrough at an audition, and they want me to be a backup dancer for the Wiggles. I would hate my life…then take the job.

Now they are in my living room! Wow!! We really do live in a Wiggles world.

Wherever I live, that’s my home!!!! And they live in the Wiggle House! let’s take a journey about how you all moved in. Thankfully they had costumed characters to help them move. I moved last year, I don’t remember any giant costumed octopus coming to help me. I gotta move to Australia, they got it all figured out.

They have a chair with a clock face on it by the way. They could be Batman Villains from 1969.

Oh man, I’m too loaded to watch fast motion right now, yet there they go. Dang it. There I almost go. Must stay strong!

Anthony is thoughtful and shrewd. They could not find him while moving, but he showed up at the end with a basket of fruit. Hmm they still think it’s cool but he still sounds like a guy who avoided work by buying a fruit basket. Good plan if you ask me.

Let’s learn about Dorothy the dancing dinosaur. Why not? Let’s learn more about Anthony. He will teach us about the letter C. I’ve known many women who were the letter C, but this is probably not the forum to discuss such. Instead, let’s watch a mock pirate dance! YAY!!!

Wow, this is the worst dance I have ever seen in my life. That misshapen golem kid from the Goonies has better moves than these folks, and he is that misshapen kid from the Goonies!

Oh wait, the purple guy is dancing now with no music and I’ve seen Parkinsons patients who move better.

Now let’s dance with Wags the Dog? Really, Did I need reference to that movie with Hoffman about a fake war? Those Wiggles, and their political commentary! And this clip has got to be from a live show. What a good life to be a kids entertainer, even if you blow, your audience wont know the difference! Note to self.

Let’s move on. Yellow wiggle finds something I think, let’s just move on again.

Kangaroos! Well, they are Australian! Let’s do a bit about kangaroos! Next week, Boomerangs!

Wiggly Animation?!?! Yeah! Frog went walking on a summers day. And met a mouse? Wow, Minorateam has tighter animation than this. Now a pig plays guitar!! Rock on Pig! Play Master of Puppets!!! Hmm, he doesn’t seem to know that song. Instead he follows the melody and snorts, What do I think they had for supper? Fried mosquito and bread and butter? No, that was not what I thought they had for supper, and by the way gross.

An Autumn song! This is soft, even for the Wiggles. At this point my cat Jigglypuff had decided he had enough and demanded to be let out of the room I am watching this in. So I pause to continue, we are only 11 minutes in, oi.

Yellow Wiggle tells me to put sunscreen on, no doubt! I’m a pale MoFo!

Now let’s sing about having fun at the beach. My original assessment was correct! Odd, even the costumed characters show up to not be in the water, why again are we at the beach?

I wonder does being a kids show star mean you have to wear eyeliner all the time? If it does then I am not sure I am ready to make that commitment. Scratch my earlier statements on said matter.

No seriously though, they are still having fun at the beach. I want to bomb the beach.

The dinosaur loves roses! And dancing! How can we combine the 2? Let’s all romp a stomp! Yeah! This does not involves roses, I feel a little let down right now. Who writes this? Oh man, now they are bringing kids into it. The dance is basic, it involves moving nowhere and moving your arms up and down while standing in place. Yet the kids totally are having trouble with it. Dang it, GET FREAKING BUDDING CHILD STARS!!! Even if they are annoying, I know they could flawlessly pull off this dance!

Moving on, let’s go back to when the Wiggles were young. Oh geez, please, let’s not. ‘Oh no, lets’ they say back to me. Let’s play cricket! We have hats and sunscreen, so we’re ready! Is that all it takes? Dang, I’ve been ready my whole life. Oh wait, IT’S M’FING BRETT LEE!!! YAY!!! He has come to pwn the little Wiggles. Wait, they have blurred out his shirt! Did Brett Lee wear a profane t-shirt in a kids show? Brett Lee is officially my favorite sports guy EVER!!! Brett Lee is my freaking hero! no seriously he has something blurred out on his shirt, so even though I guess it’s a corporate sponser that the Wiggles have chosen not to endorse, instead i choose to believe in something far more sinister. Yay Brett Lee!

Let’s get back to adult Wiggles. In Spanish no less! Oi, I still do not know Spanish despite 3 years living in LA. Now they are just showing me up.

A Mexican monkey? and Mexican Wiggles? They all have sombreros, and weird neckerchiefs, I guess they are Mexican Wiggles! Did I hit the motherlode on this show or what? Sadly this song is in full Spanish, and I do not get it. For all I know they are telling me to take all of mom’s jewelry and mail it to the Wiggles. If I had a kids show I think that is what I would do. Wasn’t that an SCTV sketch, or something from Tunnelvision? Whatever, that would rule all.

Moving on they want me to go to ANOTHER Wiggly concert. I though I had already fulfilled my contractual obligation on Wiggly concerts; I was wrong. Is this pointing up and down at the cameras their thing? I am guessing so cause like every person on the show has done it so far. I am tired of it. If I had a kid and they imitated that I would petition the courts for special permission to go Old Testament. But that is just me maybe.

OH YES!! Closing credits!! Praise be!!! LIGHTS CAMERA ACTION THIS SHOW IS OVER!!!

I will say for the record that the Wiggles are not attractive men, Ugly people are non threatening, and kids are safe with non threatening men, this is a proven fact,. Hmm, that being said they probably all date hot strippers. Go Wiggles!

Now an ad for HIgglytown Heros? OH NO!! I already survived that, and I am no ready to see more! That is enough for me!

Now an ad for Daniel Cook! Is this a show? This is Daniel Cook? This is me deleting my recording. W00t!!111

Bottom Line: Wiggles, love to sing. I gotta again state that this is the next generation of Raffi and Sharon Lois and Brahm. If those shows do no give you hives when you remember them, then you are safe with the Wiggles. Just be careful about those cricket players with the profane shirts that need to be blurred out! I tuned in to see the Wiggles and got a late night BET video, who knew??!?

Still, if you let the kids get down while you read Cosmo this might be a good choice, once you find yourself singing along though your life is officially at the halfway point, that being the point of no return, so tread lightly.

-Ray

Poor Sarah Marshalls

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

I kinda feel bad right now for anyone named Sarah Marshall.

I mean, imagine how it would feel if you were named Sarah Marshall, and you were having a rough day. I mean, you get behind on your work at the office, your kid is sick with the chicken pox, and the Pistons lost game one of their playoff series. You are having a rough time, then you leave the office and a bus passes by in front of you and the ad on the bus says in black type on a white background;

Poor Sarah Marshalls

I mean, that would kinda rough wouldn’t it? To walk around town and everywhere you go there are giant billboards saying ‘My mom never liked you Sarah Marshall’ and ‘I’m so over you Sarah Marshall’, and the above seen ‘You suck Sarah Marshall’.

I mean, that’s all well and good for the 99.999% of us who are not named Sarah Marshall, but it has got to blow for the 00.001% of people who are. I’m sure those people are hoping to soon forget that entire ad campaign.

-Ray

Almighty Ray Dot Com Forum!!!

Saturday, April 19th, 2008

So, this is brand new today and still in process, but I got a message board made for the site.

Feel free to go to Almightyray.com/forum, sign up, and start flaming! If you like/dislike anything you read here, or want to know more, now you have a venting post about this site, or anything else in the world.

You’re welcome

-Ray

Lions get the bone again

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

The 2008 NFL schedule was just released, and once again the Lions are given the magic meat missile to suck on when it comes to primetime games.

The Lions once again were denied a single Sunday or Monday night game.

This is shameful and disrespectful. This Lions went 7-9 last year, and started last year 6-2.

Never mind that all the other teams in the NFC North have MULTIPLE primetime games this year.

Never mind that Monday Night Football debuts with the horrid Oakland Raiders (4-12) against the mediocre Denver Broncos (7-9).

Never mind that the Bills (7-9), Cardinals (8-8), 49ers (5-11), Eagles (8-8), Jets (4-12), Ravens (5-11), Saints (7-9), and Panthers (7-9) ALL are getting primetime games this year.

And someone is going to have to explain to me what the 5-11 San Francisco 49ers did to merit getting multiple primetime games this year. The Lions went 5-11 multiple times over the past few years and they never got a single primetime game. Maybe it’s QB Alex Smith, he’s shown to bring in the ratings!

In short, fuck the schedule makers, once again they stick it to Detroit while at the same time reward some of the crappiest teams in the league.

-Ray

Welcome to AlmightyRay.com!!!

Monday, April 14th, 2008

Hey everybody! Welcome to the show that is my life!

I realized tonight that I have been doing this website/blog in it’s current incarnation for about 2 and a half years. In fact, I really only started making it count when I moved here to LA. So it is entirely possible that if you are reading this, that not only do you have no idea who I am, but from where I came. This post is for you. Let’s get caught up on 30 years of Almighty Ray history together.

This is by no means a definitive history, but a blueprint of who I was, who I am, and who I might someday be. This is for you noobs who are coming in halfway through the series.

Almighty Ray Stakenas was born in a log cabin his father made out of a video card and series of processors back in 1977. Ypsilanti, Michigan gets to take the credit/blame for being there at the start. From there I eventually settled in Livonia, Michigan my year of Kindergarten. It is this town which I refer to as my hometown.

I decided in third grade that my ideal career would be as one of those people who do voices in cartoons. I still stand by those statements. Throughout school I was an outsider/outcast who decided halfway that was no life for me. I found a decent balance between being the nerd I am at heart and someone who would not get wedgies in the hallway. Throughout school I rejected studies in favor of developing as a person and learning my entertainment craft. I was blessed to go to a special high school program named CAPA which centered on performing arts, and by my senior year I was taking film studies classes when others were forced to take math.

I went to college at Ohio Northern University. This fine institution had just built a performing arts center and wanted talent to fill it. I was one of 7 people they brought in to build the foundation of the entire program. I was and am still honored to have been a part of such. My college experience was filled with much diversity, as I performed, wrote, directed, hosted a comedy radio show, sang in an award winning band, played Magic: the Gathering, joined the rugby team, learned html and designed award winning websites, played roller hockey, and generally raised hell everywhere I went. Those were good years.

I graduated and soon after got a job at an advertising agency, when I got laid off after 6 months for asking for more than 320 dollars a week to live off of as I was being evicted from my apartment for non payment.

I went to pro wrestling school soon after and after graduating, wrestled for 2 and a half years all over the state of Michigan. From Detroit to downriver to the Upper Peninsula, Almighty Ray was born and had a good time. I won a few titles, part of which was chronicled on the old Almighty Ray site. This was not a full match listing, but good from when I started. I wrestled with Melvin Hertz (The wrestling nerd) in a tag team called The Destroyers of the Universe. At one time we were ranked as one of the top tag teams in Michigan.

I also at the same time competed in poetry slam. I wrote and performed many times in Ann Arbor, and also played all across the country. Twice I won the award as worst poet in Ann Arbor. Maybe I won acclaim as the only person I know to have competed in a ‘bad’ slam and a ‘good’ slam with the same piece word for word, only to win both of them. This fact has caused other people to stop doing poetry slam. This is a point of pride with me.

Around this same time I also trained at Second City: Detroit. I learned the craft of improv theatre. Graduated the system, and performed in many different shows there. I feel that I sucked that program of all it’s nutrients, and left before I could get fat.

Then a dark period where I did nothing creative for about 2 years. Part of me hates that time, the other part thinks that it was a wonderous time where I could be truly happy in all other facets of my life.

In late 2005 I moved to LA. At this time I started this blog. Boring boring boring later I discovered that people in Cali are different. My friend Matt Lageman helped get me into Big News, a news based topical sketch comedy show with a new show every week. This is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I am getting stage time, and feel myself growing as a performer. All that and I am surrounded by some of the most talented people I have ever had the fortune to be around. I now also do Pop Co. This is a sketch comedy show I write/perform in, and you should come see it!

I also in early 2008 started going back to wrestling school. I wish to have a few small matches sometime this year when I’m ready for it again. I have no grand aspirations, I just want to be a part of it again, if good things happen I will be receptive. As I progress in the craft again, I will have nothing but fun.

So there you go. That is a (very) brief history of me. Let’s now move forward together. As we start season 5 of Almighty Ray, you are now officially caught up on all you need to know.

-Ray

Note to the WWE

Thursday, April 10th, 2008

Please please please get Maria off of my TV.

She is an embarrassment to the entire industry.

I appreciate that she posed nude in Playboy. Good for her. This does not make her good on TV.

What do i enjoy more? Her promos where a 12 year old acting student could be more believable, or her matches where a 12 year old acting student could be more believable? Every time she steps foot in the ring she exposes the industry.

I would rather watch Kris Sprules vs Cage Tyler on repeat for 10 straight hours than watch 2 minutes of a Maria ‘match’.

Well, if she has a good theme song, has a good pose, and looks attractive, who cares if she looks like utter shit in the ring? Well, most people, that’s who. Need I mention that the Maria ‘Bunnymania’ match at WM24 was the time when most people went to the bathroom? Both in the arena and at home, they went away til that garbage was over.

Maria = Good for concession stands across the nation.

I’m not sure what is more fun to watch, Maria throwing her shitty kicks, or her one ‘highspot’ where she tries to be Sonya Blade from Mortal Kombat and does a shitty handstand, leading to a more shitty hurricanrana, unless her opponent gets the idea to kick her unset hands out from underneath her, thus negating the entirety of her patented shitty offense.

Please get her the hell of of my DVR fast forward button. That time could go to someone worth watching. As I said before, every time she is on air, it exposes the industry, and pisses me off cause I actually have respect for the industry.

-Ray

Blame The Wrestlers

Friday, April 4th, 2008

From : THIS LINK

East St. Louis, IL (KMOV) – East St. Louis police are investigating the suspicious death of a two year old boy.

His 4-year-old brother is suspected of killing him, and his mother tells News 4 that he was pretending he was a professional wrestler.

Jacqueline Davis says she came out of the shower and found her two-year-old son Jacquion unresponsive on his bedroom floor.

She says her four-year-old son told her and police that he was pretending to be WWE professional wrestler who he watches dominate opponents on the Friday night show.

The 4-year-old allegedly choked his brother with part of a curtain.

Rescuers flew Jacquion by helicopter to Cardinal Glennon Children’s Hospital where doctors treated him in intensive care for four days until he died Tuesday.

Sources familiar with the case tell News 4 that autopsy results could take two weeks and that a police investigation is pending.

The victim’s mother says she’s convinced exposure to professional wrestling played a part in the tragic murder.

————————————————————-

And I say that I’m convinced that exposure to shitty parenting played a part in the tragic murder.

-Ray