I spent the whole night cleaning up my general area and doing all of my laundry. That’s alot of loads! It occurred to me that I have not done a ‘Kids Show Round Up’ in a little while, so it’s time once again to take the bullet for all the aspiring parents out there! I think I have one more kids show left in the queue from Valentines day when I DVR’d a whole smattering of them. So let’s take a look!
Wait a sec, if I just have one more kids show left in the queue, then by definition this one is the one that I had the least amount of interest in. Oh great, it’s bottom feeding time. Let’s check it out anyways and see what I got left with;
Oh crap, that’s the real name of this show. What the heck was I thinking? Well, here is the description as listed;
Ni-Hao, Kai-lan. Wed 02/13/08 at 11am on Nickelodeon. New, “Wait, Hoho, Wait!” (2008), Rintoo and the gang work together to assemble his new toy car, but Hoho can’t wait until it is finished. He hops in before the car is done, causing it to fall apart. Kai-lan helps him learn to be patient so everyone gets to play. Chinese lesson: “Push.”(Animated)
Oh wacky, so this is a show designed to push traditional Chinese values on our kids. Don’t these people know that in 50 years we will be having a Cold War with the Chinese? Even better all the characters in this show will have Chinese names I cannot decipher or in fact spell quickly. I may have to make up names for people again. Thankfully these shows tend not to be plot driven so hopefully I can keep up despite the cultural and language barriers which set me a step back to start!
I must point out though that this is on Nickelodeon instead of Disney, so I expect the XTREME level to be much higher. Rock music, strobe light effects, and quick cuts, this is my guess, but we shall see, those things would be pretty much the opposite of any ancient Chinese lesson that they would be likely to teach us. Hmm, enough stalling, guess it’s time to get started. Do I need a drink for this one? I think the answer is yes. . . .Ok let’s get started, let’s crush some Ni-High Lo-Pan! Or whatever it’s actually called, they would have named it something normal if they wanted me to remember it.
I may have started out mid opening theme song. It’s a series of talking animals and a Chinese girl, oh wait, and her Grandpa.
Sure, Hi Kai-Lan! The sun is sleeping? Let him rest! He’s a busy man with few days off if any! Wait, why would you tickle the sun? Wouldn’t that burn your hands off? The sun looks displeased at being awoken, but melancholy about the whole deal. Then the sun fuzzies come out and bring joy to Kai-Lin. Um, this show makes no sense already.
Now Grandpa is singing hot cross buns in Chinese. Um, he hasn’t said a single word in English yet. Oh, whew there he goes, that was scary. There he goes again. Now a monkey in a chefs hat wants to eat the dumplings. But they are not done yet, silly Hoho the monkey! Just give Hoho some uncooked dough and say,’ Here you go!’ Then he would eat the raw dough and not like it. That would teach him an ancient Chinese lesson in not being a dumb-head.
Now they are singing again in a round no less! I’d join in if I spoke Chinese, but I do not! Yay!
Now the ants make an appearance? Why not? They all wear ball caps and remind me of ShortRound from the Indiana Jones movies. Let’s push this giant package to the Tiger and Koala. Shouldn’t one of them be a panda or something? Aren’t koalas Australian? Oh my the koala is wearing panda shaped shoes and a matching panda T-shirt, and no pants. This is creepy.
Do I want to help Rin2D2 build his car? Nope, I’ll just watch thanks!
I think one of the goals of this show is to teach me Ni-Hao is hello in Chinese, cause I am pretty sure every single line spoken begins with those words. I am learning to fear those words.
Hoho wants to ride the car before it’s assembled! Let him jump in and go! When it doesn’t run Hoho will know it’s not ready and learn an ancient Chinese lesson! Hoho looks right at the car in pieces on the ground and asks if it is done being built yet. They tell him that in fact, no it is not. He waits 5 seconds, nobody has moved, and he asks again. I want to beat Hoho.
Let’s learn Chinese numbers! Oh man, I was never good at foreign languages. To know now that there will be white kids in Nebraska with a much better knowledge of Chinese than myself makes me sad in 39 ways.
FOR THE LOVE OF PETE HOHO THE CAR IS NOT READY! IT IS MISSING WHEELS!!! DARN YOU HOHO!!! YOU BROKE THE CAR JUST AS THEY WERE FINISHING IT!!111 NOOOOOOOOOOO!
‘Kai-Lan, why did Hoho do that?’ Good question. This triggers a flashback. ‘Look at Hoho right before he got into the car, he looks like he really wanted to get into the car’. Well, there you go Sherlock Holmes. Better deductive reasonging has yet to be found.
In any case let’s build the car again. Hoho does in fact need your help waiting! So in other words the lesson of the day is not a skill or trade, but advice on how to stand still doing nothing. So I am watching a show about how to stand there and do nothing. Why not?
If I have to hear Grandpa sing that same 2 lines of song again, I will lose my mind. Oh man, they just started the round again as I finished tying that. I want to scream. This show is not extreme at all, it’s for preschoolers. I feel my mind slowly stripping away.
Hoho likes to play a game called ‘Where’s Hoho’? Wouldn’t that be boring for Hoho, since he already knows where Hoho is? i guess he could shut his eyes and run in a straight line for an hour, and then try and figure out where he is. Actually I kinda wish he would have done that.
Well let’s find him for he is hiding now. Is he in the outhouse? Nope, is he hiding in a pumpkin? That would be tough. Nope, Hoho is in a tree, and they hug. Is the car ready yet? Of course not Hoho!! So let’s put rocks on top of other rocks! That would be so much fun!
Hoho has finally learned the lesson! So he will stand there doing nothing interesting til the car is ready! Oh wait, maybe not, he is going up a tree, and. . . .a full assortment of DJ equipment comes out. No seriously, double turn tables, a mixer board, and 4 speakers. What the heck?!?!?!
I just realised how weird this show is. Why does Hoho want to ride in the car so bad when he has a DJ booth in the nearby tree?! if I was Hoho I’d ditch the car and spin some tunes!
Ok, now Koala is wearing a helmet shaped like a panda head. This odd fetish is frankly disturbing. Hmm, maybe I’m jealous and want to wear full panda gear myself. I wonder if that look would work for me.
And now the car is moving cause they pushed it! And Koala does not want to wait to be the one to drive! So Hoho has the answer! Go up a tree and find a film crew and direct an HBO miniseries about the life of Susan B Anthony? Nope, touch your nose and flap your arms is the answer. If they had used my suggestion instead that would have been rad.
Now Koala is driving, AND THE CAR HAS TAKEN OFF INTO THE SKY. Yes the car is now flying. Apparantly ladybugs have picked the car up and are flying it around, because ladybugs now possess the strength to lift that much weight. I learned science on Ni-Hao Kai-Lan!
Congrats on being a good waiter Hoho! You get dumplings! Kai-Lin calls dandilions ‘Poofy heads’! Not to be confused with Poopy Heads, which is what I call them.
Hoho had a hard time waiting, but he got it, he got it, he got it! Now Kai-Lan is giving me credit for all the things that happened in the show today! Thanks Kai-Lan but seriously, I didn’t do any of the things you gave me credit for. Now I feel like the man who shot Liberty Valence.
And now the show is over. And an ad for Yo Gabba Gabba! comes on to punish me some more. Bubbles, bubbles, we like to play with bubbles! I will now proceed to rip out what hair I have left.
So there you go. If you want your kids to learn all about Chinese culture, by all means this is he show you want them to see I guess. Just make sure you are out of the room while this is going on. And be prepared for Chinese singing you will never hope to understand. Well probably vaguely Chinese singing, chances are you kids will not understand the words and get them all wrong, kinda like when I try to sing the opening lines of Mr. Roboto in Japanese and butcher them gloriously every time. I think I may have had a point at one time while writing this paragraph, but it’s been lost by now.
Bottom Line: Not the acid trip that is Yo Gabba Gabba!, and only slightly more annoying than Higglytown Heroes. Just stay out of the area and ignore your kids and you will survive this show.