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So, I am not a big fan of racing. If it be cars, horses, dogs, people, whatever, I just do not care. But here are some thoughts on racing that have bugging me.

First off, Danica Patrick? Someone is going to have to explain this one to me. Danica runs over crew people in the pits in 2 recent races due to her own carelessness or stupidity or dare I say it, lack of talent. She has 2 seperate incidents where she runs dudes over. So at the Indy 500 she is the victim of an incident in the pits, where someone spins her out, knocking her out of the race, and she walks over to fight him! Geez Danica, maybe the people you carelessly hit in the pits yourself would want to fight you, except that you tried to make sure they can’t walk afterwards.

Also, what is she doing trying to start fights? She is like 4′11 and 32 pounds? If Mini-Me wanted to kick my ass I’d probably be more scared than if Danica Patrick had evil intentions. Also, isn’t she promoting violence against women through her actions? i mean, if she was to get into a fight with the guy who ran her out of the race, wouldn’t that by definition be a fight with a man and a woman, and therefore violence against women cause let’s face it, who’s ass is she gong to kick?

But enough car crap, I have another thought about horsies.

If you read this ever, you know I think horse racing is wrong. But here was something I read that blew my mind. The winner of the Kentucky Derby was a horse (Predicted here by the way) named Big Brown. I read an interview where the owner of Big Brown admitted that the horse is jacked up on horse steroids. Not just that, but the same horse steroids that Barry Bonds (Allegedly) used! So where the hell are the asterisk signs??!! Where is the outrage?!?! Some morons out there want to consider these dumb beats as athletes. If that is the case, why is their steroid usage quietly accepted? I demand that we go into the record books and place a big huge ASTERISK next to the name of Big Brown.

Now, horses all roided up is actually not against the rules of horse racing, shocking for such a gentile sport. But they weren’t against the rules when Barry Bonds (Allegedly) did it either, and there was much outrage and shame and yelling and shit about him. Why the double standard? In the case of Big Brown, we actually know he did it! And which is more evil, a human being roiding himself up to make himself a better athlete with the cost of his future and soul hanging over his head all the time, or a dumb animal being forcibly juiced and thrown out there for piles of money he will never see in a sport where an overly roided broken leg means instant death?

Winner of the Kentucky Derby: BIG BROWN*

And finally what about this story of the amputee guy trying to make it into the Olympics with 2 giant banana blades for legs? I saw this on ESPN as one of those throw up in my mouth ‘heartwarming’ stories. I felt good about this guy’s ability to run and stuff when he is missing limbs. This is a good thing. But why does this D-bag think he has the right to compete in the Olympics? Scientists have determined that the banana blade legs give him advantages that people with 2 legs do not have. If we are going to let people in with scientific advantages why not just open the pharmacy and let ALL scientific advantage be allowed? I mean if we let this jackass in, what is stopping Stephen Hawking from inventing a rocket chair that breaks the speed of sound and putting him up on the blocks? Sorry angry handicapped guy, but the Olympics are for able bodied folks, not those with bionic implants. If Robocop or the Terminator tried to compete, they would be told no as well. Stick to running at your local Y where people might actually cater to you. It is not the job on the IOC to cater to people trying to get around the rules, it is their job to create an environment of fair and quality competition.

Stupid banana blading A-hole.

-Ray

So Rob Van Dam is training with the Ultimate Warrior to get him ready for a return to the ring. And thusly we get this video as RVD does his impression of UW, and then UW comes in an interrupts him. Funny stuff.

I spent the whole night cleaning up my general area and doing all of my laundry. That’s alot of loads! It occurred to me that I have not done a ‘Kids Show Round Up’ in a little while, so it’s time once again to take the bullet for all the aspiring parents out there! I think I have one more kids show left in the queue from Valentines day when I DVR’d a whole smattering of them. So let’s take a look!

Wait a sec, if I just have one more kids show left in the queue, then by definition this one is the one that I had the least amount of interest in. Oh great, it’s bottom feeding time. Let’s check it out anyways and see what I got left with;

Ni-Hao, Kai-lan.

Oh crap, that’s the real name of this show. What the heck was I thinking? Well, here is the description as listed;

Ni-Hao, Kai-lan. Wed 02/13/08 at 11am on Nickelodeon. New, “Wait, Hoho, Wait!” (2008), Rintoo and the gang work together to assemble his new toy car, but Hoho can’t wait until it is finished. He hops in before the car is done, causing it to fall apart. Kai-lan helps him learn to be patient so everyone gets to play. Chinese lesson: “Push.”(Animated)

Oh wacky, so this is a show designed to push traditional Chinese values on our kids. Don’t these people know that in 50 years we will be having a Cold War with the Chinese? Even better all the characters in this show will have Chinese names I cannot decipher or in fact spell quickly. I may have to make up names for people again. Thankfully these shows tend not to be plot driven so hopefully I can keep up despite the cultural and language barriers which set me a step back to start!

I must point out though that this is on Nickelodeon instead of Disney, so I expect the XTREME level to be much higher. Rock music, strobe light effects, and quick cuts, this is my guess, but we shall see, those things would be pretty much the opposite of any ancient Chinese lesson that they would be likely to teach us. Hmm, enough stalling, guess it’s time to get started. Do I need a drink for this one? I think the answer is yes. . . .Ok let’s get started, let’s crush some Ni-High Lo-Pan! Or whatever it’s actually called, they would have named it something normal if they wanted me to remember it.

I may have started out mid opening theme song. It’s a series of talking animals and a Chinese girl, oh wait, and her Grandpa.

Sure, Hi Kai-Lan! The sun is sleeping? Let him rest! He’s a busy man with few days off if any! Wait, why would you tickle the sun? Wouldn’t that burn your hands off? The sun looks displeased at being awoken, but melancholy about the whole deal. Then the sun fuzzies come out and bring joy to Kai-Lin. Um, this show makes no sense already.

Now Grandpa is singing hot cross buns in Chinese. Um, he hasn’t said a single word in English yet. Oh, whew there he goes, that was scary. There he goes again. Now a monkey in a chefs hat wants to eat the dumplings. But they are not done yet, silly Hoho the monkey! Just give Hoho some uncooked dough and say,’ Here you go!’ Then he would eat the raw dough and not like it. That would teach him an ancient Chinese lesson in not being a dumb-head.

Now they are singing again in a round no less! I’d join in if I spoke Chinese, but I do not! Yay!

Now the ants make an appearance? Why not? They all wear ball caps and remind me of ShortRound from the Indiana Jones movies. Let’s push this giant package to the Tiger and Koala. Shouldn’t one of them be a panda or something? Aren’t koalas Australian? Oh my the koala is wearing panda shaped shoes and a matching panda T-shirt, and no pants. This is creepy.

Do I want to help Rin2D2 build his car? Nope, I’ll just watch thanks!

I think one of the goals of this show is to teach me Ni-Hao is hello in Chinese, cause I am pretty sure every single line spoken begins with those words. I am learning to fear those words.

Hoho wants to ride the car before it’s assembled! Let him jump in and go! When it doesn’t run Hoho will know it’s not ready and learn an ancient Chinese lesson! Hoho looks right at the car in pieces on the ground and asks if it is done being built yet. They tell him that in fact, no it is not. He waits 5 seconds, nobody has moved, and he asks again. I want to beat Hoho.

Let’s learn Chinese numbers! Oh man, I was never good at foreign languages. To know now that there will be white kids in Nebraska with a much better knowledge of Chinese than myself makes me sad in 39 ways.

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE HOHO THE CAR IS NOT READY! IT IS MISSING WHEELS!!! DARN YOU HOHO!!! YOU BROKE THE CAR JUST AS THEY WERE FINISHING IT!!111 NOOOOOOOOOOO!

‘Kai-Lan, why did Hoho do that?’ Good question. This triggers a flashback. ‘Look at Hoho right before he got into the car, he looks like he really wanted to get into the car’. Well, there you go Sherlock Holmes. Better deductive reasonging has yet to be found.

In any case let’s build the car again. Hoho does in fact need your help waiting! So in other words the lesson of the day is not a skill or trade, but advice on how to stand still doing nothing. So I am watching a show about how to stand there and do nothing. Why not?

If I have to hear Grandpa sing that same 2 lines of song again, I will lose my mind. Oh man, they just started the round again as I finished tying that. I want to scream. This show is not extreme at all, it’s for preschoolers. I feel my mind slowly stripping away.

Hoho likes to play a game called ‘Where’s Hoho’? Wouldn’t that be boring for Hoho, since he already knows where Hoho is? i guess he could shut his eyes and run in a straight line for an hour, and then try and figure out where he is. Actually I kinda wish he would have done that.

Well let’s find him for he is hiding now. Is he in the outhouse? Nope, is he hiding in a pumpkin? That would be tough. Nope, Hoho is in a tree, and they hug. Is the car ready yet? Of course not Hoho!! So let’s put rocks on top of other rocks! That would be so much fun!

Hoho has finally learned the lesson! So he will stand there doing nothing interesting til the car is ready! Oh wait, maybe not, he is going up a tree, and. . . .a full assortment of DJ equipment comes out. No seriously, double turn tables, a mixer board, and 4 speakers. What the heck?!?!?!

I just realised how weird this show is. Why does Hoho want to ride in the car so bad when he has a DJ booth in the nearby tree?! if I was Hoho I’d ditch the car and spin some tunes!

Ok, now Koala is wearing a helmet shaped like a panda head. This odd fetish is frankly disturbing. Hmm, maybe I’m jealous and want to wear full panda gear myself. I wonder if that look would work for me.

And now the car is moving cause they pushed it! And Koala does not want to wait to be the one to drive! So Hoho has the answer! Go up a tree and find a film crew and direct an HBO miniseries about the life of Susan B Anthony? Nope, touch your nose and flap your arms is the answer. If they had used my suggestion instead that would have been rad.

Now Koala is driving, AND THE CAR HAS TAKEN OFF INTO THE SKY. Yes the car is now flying. Apparantly ladybugs have picked the car up and are flying it around, because ladybugs now possess the strength to lift that much weight. I learned science on Ni-Hao Kai-Lan!

Congrats on being a good waiter Hoho! You get dumplings! Kai-Lin calls dandilions ‘Poofy heads’! Not to be confused with Poopy Heads, which is what I call them.

Hoho had a hard time waiting, but he got it, he got it, he got it! Now Kai-Lan is giving me credit for all the things that happened in the show today! Thanks Kai-Lan but seriously, I didn’t do any of the things you gave me credit for. Now I feel like the man who shot Liberty Valence.

And now the show is over. And an ad for Yo Gabba Gabba! comes on to punish me some more. Bubbles, bubbles, we like to play with bubbles! I will now proceed to rip out what hair I have left.

So there you go. If you want your kids to learn all about Chinese culture, by all means this is he show you want them to see I guess. Just make sure you are out of the room while this is going on. And be prepared for Chinese singing you will never hope to understand. Well probably vaguely Chinese singing, chances are you kids will not understand the words and get them all wrong, kinda like when I try to sing the opening lines of Mr. Roboto in Japanese and butcher them gloriously every time. I think I may have had a point at one time while writing this paragraph, but it’s been lost by now.

Bottom Line: Not the acid trip that is Yo Gabba Gabba!, and only slightly more annoying than Higglytown Heroes. Just stay out of the area and ignore your kids and you will survive this show.

-Ray

Mothers Day is coming up soon. And by soon I mean one week from now.

So why the hell am i getting inundated with these spam e-mails from companies wanting me to spend my hard earned cash on mothers day cards and flowers and etc. etc. etc.???

I have gotten a whole bunch just in the past hour from 2-3am pst on a Sunday night.

This is retarded.

I mean, I already know I can never make my mother truly happy until I either give her a grandkid or pay off her mortgage. Neither one is scheduled to happen this calender year.

So what’s wrong with just calling her up and listening to her tell me about relatives I never knew I had for a half hour? Did you know that I had a gay relative in his late 30’s who was dying? Well I for sure did not, until I talked to Mom last week. This is the kind of uplifting stuff you expect to get from your mother. I mean, at least I do.

So anyways, I know Mothers Day is a huge day for restaurants. I am scheduled in at 10 in the freaking morning because we think there will be people trying to get it out of the way early. That is the thing about Mothers Day. People take Mom out for a meal on that day, and it usually is the only day they eat out at a restaurant all year. So therefore they do not know how to act in public, and they for sure do not know how to tip. This particular segment of the customer range I like to refer to as ‘The Douchebags’. My favorite part of the whole day? Is that ‘The Douchebags’ like to make reservations at like 4-6 different places, then ask Mom the day of which she would like to go to. Do they call the restaurants they are not planning on going to to cancel? Of course not! Those people will figure it out when they don’t show up silly!

Yes, Mothers Day is the busiest restaurant day of the year. It is also the day when roughly 1/3 of your scheduled reservations no call no show.

Yay!!111

This takes me away from my main point though. Why am I getting all this Mothers Day related spam? I will call home at some point during the day. Chances are I will wake Mom up. I would often do this even when I lived in the same time zone as my mother mind you. And by calling home I met the societal obligation that the day entails.

So I ask all these other people; What did you do to your mom that makes you feel guilted into doing all this extra stuff this one day a year? I mean, I haven’t had a problem with my parents since I was 15.8 years old and they didn’t want me to get my drivers license because I wasn’t ‘Mature enough’. Holy crap, since then it’s been smooth sailing!

I’m just saying be good to mom and you will save in the end later. But besides that be good to mom anyways, even if she is a bit crazy like mine. Maybe stories to follow, but just know I come from odd stock (Like you couldn’t have guessed by now).

This had a point once, damn bourbon. I end here, give your mother a call, and if you cannot, then just be nice to someone else’s mom, just keep it clean you sickos!

-Ray

And I could not give 2.67 craps less.

Ok now, horse racing was once one of the big 3 sports in America. Way way back in the day it was boxing, baseball, and horsies. That was your sports scene.

Nowadays we have this thing called ‘Better sports’ and people stopped caring about horse racing. Horse racing is now and forever the sport of degenerate gamblers who think they can figure it out. I mean, have you heard any of this pregame about the Kentucky Derby? I mean if you watch ESPN it’s hard not to since they’ve shown it roughly every 18 seconds this past week.

They can’t even complete a segment without bringing up mint julips! When your commentary involves how you plan to get drunk at the event, I’ve gotta believe that the event itself is secondary.

I find it appropriate that a horse named ‘Big Brown’ is the current favorite to win the race. Cause this race and this sport has been nothing but ‘Big Brown’ for many decades now. A big ol pile of horsie brown all over the track.

And some have called this ‘The most exciting 2 minutes of sports’. Let me tell you if you find this exciting without having your money at stake, I’ve got a pinwheel you can watch go around slowly in a circle for 2 minutes. Heck, I’ll even give you a mint julip!

No seriously, the most exciting 2 minutes in sports? Watching brainless, roided up animals get whipped til they run around a circle? Really? What kind of callous, awful human being do you have to be to find this not only acceptable, but exciting as well? It’s like watching NASCAR, but all the cars do only one lap and they are all stuck in 2nd gear, oh yeah and the cars are alive and getting beaten! AWESOME!

In short, I can;t wait til this ‘event’ is over and off my TV, and pray for the day that this ’sport’ that is to me akin to equine cockfighting finally gets shut down and off the air.

In short, Fuck the Kentucky Derby.

-Ray