Archive for June, 2008

Oh that Shaq

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

I have loved to hate Shaq for a really long time now.

This has gotten so hard over the past week. When Shaq went to LA, it was so easy to root against him. I grew up hating on the Lakers, cause they were the Piston’s finals opponent when I first started watching the NBA. And I already was against Shaq, awesome! Least favorite player going to least favorite team, that is a win win for me.

But slowly over the past few years Shaq has grown a little bit on me. And somehow he has managed to take all the heat I felt for him and moved it all onto his dickhead of a former teammate Kobe Bryant.

I mean, while Shaq smiles, makes jokes, and gives gifts to local shelters at Christmas time, Kobe rapes chicks, rats out his teammates when he gets caught, and then cries all last summer long on LA radio that he would rather play on Pluto than the Lakers before coming back and acting like nothing happened.

I mean, who should I hate more?

So when I saw this clip it made me laugh harder than most things I’ve seen all year.

In the feud between Shaq and Kobe, I guess I’m on team Shaq.

Congrats Shaq, I now no longer have venom for you, you have successfully pushed your heat onto Kobe. That freestyle is so freaking awesome.

You still can’t rap though.

-Ray

Imus?

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

People are bagging on Don Imus for being a racist. . . again.

His job title is ‘Shock Jock’. This, by definition means that he is on the radio to shock you, to offend you, to say things that other people are not allowed to. They pay him big money to do this.

Now, I don;t listen to him, I don;t know anybody that does listen to him. To my knowledge, he’s still on the radio doing Nixon impressions. I in fact believe that unless you are above the age of 70, you don’t listen to him either.

I mean, if you are going to bag on the guy, just bag on him for being unfunny and irrelevant, there is no need to to worry about his obvious racist tendencies. Shoot, find me a white person that old that DOESN’T have racist leanings! If you stuck a microphone under your grandfather’s mouth for 3 hours every day, are you telling me that nothing ten times worse would come out?

In fact I say this is a brilliant move by Imus.

Yes, that was typed correctly. Think about it, I don’t listen to Imus, you don’t listen to Imus, nobody listens to Imus. Now, as a result, we are all forced to listen to Imus and talk about Imus on every news and sports show for a few days.

Ugh, I have an idea. Let’s all just ignore Imus until he dies in a few months from being old. Let him say whatever he wants about whoever he wants. And if the media doesn’t go bucknuts every time he acts ‘shocking’ none of us will ever know about it, and we will all be less offended as a society. Win win, and then when that old buzzard kicks it, they can give me his job and salary. Win win win.

-Ray

My Bedbugs

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

This will be a slightly different Kids Show Round Up. Different because I am familiar with this show and have been for a little while now.

You see, I auditioned for this show years ago back when I lived in Michigan.

Somewhere in the outskirts of what can still barely be called Southeastern Michigan, there is a big studio where they make (If it is still being made) My Bedbugs. I answered a call and went in and read for a variety of roles on the show. What was cool was that I went on set and got to mess around the living room set, the front door set, and the giant bed. I thought this show had alot of potential and could make some good money. I really wanted to get the role of Snoozy the talking pillow. I thought I had that kind of sleepy, deeper voice they would want for the part, and I just figured the merchandising on a talking pillow would be huge! Oh yeah, and I also was up for the part of the talking seahorse. If I remember correctly, I gave the character a really friendly, softer quality when I read for it, and they went with some guy who gargled all of his lines, blech.

Sadly I never heard back from the people at My Bedbugs. In the end it’s probably for the best. I am evil in spirit, and this is a show for small children. I still think they missed out on a potential goldmine in me though, but then again, of course I do.

Anyways I’ve seen a few episodes of this show in the past, every once in a while to see how it’s doing. Well, it’s still on the air, and on the air outside of Michigan, so good for them! Let’s check out an episode, and we shall see where the show is at now;

My Bedbugs, originally aired on 06/07/08 at 6:30am on KTBN. Hey wait, isn’t that the religious channel? Did the Bedbugs find the Lord? Then for sure it’s best they kept me away! Anyways, the description is ‘A children’s series that included short stories and music.’ (Other) Well, that is descriptive, hmm, at least they aren’t giving away all the plot points like the liners usually do for these shows. Hold on, was that liner note written in the past tense? That’s ominous, even reruns of Hogan’s Heroes have liners written in present tense!

Anyways, let’s get started, and see if I knew any of the people who actually got involved with this show;

And here we go. The Bedbugs are doing their own bumper, there are 3 of them, and they are all siblings, I believe the characters were based on the kids of the woman who created the show, or maybe it was her cats. Hmm, anyways the story goes that the three bedbugs live in a house and are looked over by a talking vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaners name? ‘J. Edgar’. No, seriously, they really went there.

And the show has started! BEDBUG PARTY! Woozy, Toofy, and Gooby are your bugs, not that I can tell them apart from each other quickly, but I will try.

The bugs wake up from their giant bed to see the talking vacuum cleaner already staring at them, that’s kinda creepy. If I woke up and there was a 6 foot tall spectacle wearing vacuum staring at me, I think it would be time to move. But on we go, Gooby wakes up Toofy by telling him there is a dinosaur in the room. Toofy is startled! Then Gooby drops the bombshell, there is no dinosaur, and he just got over on his brother. CUE THE WHIMSICAL WOODWIND MUSIC!!!

Man, I remember, they said do not touch the giant bed when I was on set, and I soooo did. That thing was flipping HUGE! You get no sense of scale from watching this show, but dang, let me tell you, dang!!! Each of the bugs is like 5’8 in real life, and the bed makes them look tiny. I think it’s like 20 feet long or something, I mean, it’s huge, and I want it.

Woozy the girl bedbug is sick! Oh no! She doesn’t want to talk about food. She tells J Edgar that she feels sick and walks away. At which point one of her brothers said, ‘From the way she’s acting, I think she’s sick’. Great deduction Columbo! It’s the way she’s acting not the fact that she JUST SAID that she was sick out loud.

Let’s sing about it! Well, not really sing, but slowly rap. Doctor, Doctor, make Woozy better! Of course, there is no doctor here, so I’m not sure who they are slowly rapping to.

Holy crap we quickly jump cut to a commercial of sorts. It’s the Boulder Buddies!!! HECK YEAH!!! ‘We’re the Boulder Buddies and we got something to say! Listen to your Mom and Dad every single day!’ You tell ‘em Boulder Buddies! Teach our kids not to question anything or anybody at an early age. Oh wait, this is on TBN, so it makes sense. And then we quickly jump cut right out of that to, THE MIDDLE OF THE NEXT SCENE OF MY BEDBUGS ALREADY IN PROGRESS!!! What the heck is going on here?

Toofy is eating a giant candy bar. Gooby is upset and jealous and so he calls over J Edgar to handle his business. Now the Bedbugs jam because Toofy feels sick from eating too much candy! They jam 70′s music video style with oversized instruments in slow motion. This show is weird.

And now we seem to be down 2 Bedbugs. Toofy expresses his pain to J Edgar, who seems unfazed, to the point of not caring. His response to a child’s pain? ‘Well now hopefully you’ll learn a lesson’. Wow, J Edgar is kind of a jerk.

Anyways, now we are back to the Bedbugs playing doctor. This is making me uncomfortable. I know what will fix that unsettled feeling I’m getting, a Vaudville number about doing doctor stuff! I’d like to add at this point that the voice of Toofy is really really annoying. I am pretty sure it’s a chick doing a little boy’s voice, and trying to do it all gravel-like and stuff. Kinda like in cheap anime, it annoys me there too. The other voices so far are pretty decent though, see I’m not bitter!

Now the playing doctor continues, as Gooby pulls out a doctor hammer thing and tries to hit the knees of the other bedbugs. As he goes to tap one, he gets kicked in the behind by the other one. . . and hilarity ensues.

So at this point Ruffy the goldfish shows up to offer help! He wants to give Woozy some ‘Weird green stuff from the bottom of his tank.’ Heh, they don’t want to eat it, odd.

J Edgar comes by to offer soup to the bedbugs and it smells horrible. The bedbugs rush out of the room to avoid puking on camera. Now the 2 boys are sick in bed, and Woozy is better. let’s discuss the menu for tonight! 3 bean stew with orange jello? To be fair, that menu doesn’t sound very good even if I was hungry. And, um, that was the denoument? I guess it was as we move right along to the next bit/song/video thingy.

Now we are back to another opening intro sequence, They introduce Snoozy the talking pillow in the open, but he is an underutilized part of the show. This minisode is called ‘Gooby’s friend’. Is that anything like the ‘friends’ that 80′s female tennis stars used to travel with?

Anyways, the bugs play hopscotch on the outdoor set. I’ve never really understood the point of hopscotch, I understand less how this game works into every kids show ever made. Do kids even play hopscotch nowadays? or do they just do it on kids shows? I think that is a good qiestion, and requires more research.

Gooby gets to 5 and falls over playing the game. Wow, J Edgar is just awful. It sounds like he phones his lines in having never seen the show, one sentence at a time out of order, and they just put them together in editing, oi.

And they find a puppy!!! They want to keep him, but J Edgar is a buzzkill. They attempt to win him over to their point of view through song. They keep calling him a ‘Little Bow Wow’. I’m convinced that J Edgar is confused and thinking that they want to take in a young rapper from the 90′s and not a dog like they iintend. An easy mistake to make I suppose.

They maike signs to hang around the neighborhood to try and find the owners of the lost dog. J Edgar tells Gooby to put him down on the floor, but since the puppy is just a stuffed animal and not much of a puppet, Gooby refuses. So instead they decide to bathe him, why not?

Now they go outside with a giant bucket filled with water, and just DROP HIM IN! WOW!!! Somehow the bucket of water gives the puppy life as he goes from being a lump to carry around to an actual puppet whilst inside the bucket. I wonder what will happen when they take him out, will he turn back into a motionless lump like Frosty the Snowman?

Answer: YES!

Woozy wants to keep him. J Edgar once again buzzkills the situation before going into the oither room to take care of some things. Take care of some things? What the heck could J Edgar possibly have going on? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t work, and in Magical Bedbug land he lives rent free. Hey now that I think about it, I’ve been in that house, there is no other room!!! What is that J Edgar trying to pull!?!?!?!

Anyways the other bugs bring in a homemade doghouse type thing. I’m not really sure. Woozy is unimpressed as well. AND LET’S PLAY THE FEUD!!! Arguements ensue as ownership is disputed, and then more fights over the lame looking doghouse getting called out for. . . well being a lame looking doghouse.

This is cut off by the phone. They wish and hope and pray that this is not the real owner of the puppy, but it is. It’s the right thing to do, but it still hurts, as expressed by Gooby when he says, ‘It’s the right thing to do, but it still hurts’. Gooby then offers to give the lame looking doghouse to the real owners as a gift. J Edgar thinks that is a great idea, I mean, I wouldn’t want that piece of crap in my house, if they are lucky the real owners will take it off their hands politely, before tossing it in a dumpster on the ride home. I mean, geez, the doghouse has 2 openings to it; A front door and a garage. And NEITHER IS BIG ENOUGH TO FIT THE PUPPY!!! so basically they would have to wedge the puppy in there where there wouldn’t be enough space for him anyways! What are you bedbugs thinking???

And then we launch into the closing credits! Let me focus here and see if I recognise any names.

Hmm, Henry Birdseye as J Edgar. Well shame on you, if you are going to be so awful, at least use your real name!
Eve Gregson as Toofy. Yup, just as I said, it’s a chick trying to play a gravely sounding boy, ugh.
Lee D. as Gooby, Lee D??? LEE D????? You actually did a pretty good job Lee, and you don’t even want your name on the project? Have some pride!!!
And Chris Nierhaus as Snoozy. Darn you Chris, for getting my dream job and then being underused on top of it all! I’m telling you, marketed stuffed talking pillow dolls are a license to print money, especially if they have my voice!!! DANG IT!!!

Excuse me.

anyways this treat of a show was made back in 2004. Wow, has it been that long? The buimper at the end asks me to go check out www.mybedbugs.com for;

-Games
-Coloring
-Fun !

And then we go back to visit the Boulder Buddies. Ok it’s the same thing from before, so I will now delete the recording. Hmm, I wonder if www.mybedbugs.com still exists? One way to find out. Excuse me. . . . . .

—————————————

Well the website still exists. And it has not been updated since 2005. I clicked on the ‘See us live’ part and found out that strangely they have no upcoming shows! Huh.

Anyways, gotta give it up to a show that goes national and comes from Detroit. I don;t know though, it just feels like it’s missing something. Hmm, I got it, it’s missing a dash of Almighty Ray!!! Ha ha!

In truth, I’m glad this show is still on the air somewhere. Even if it is 6:30am on TBN Christian TV. It’s been fun trying to act all bitter about not getting this show, but as I learned here in Hollywood, ‘Don’t hate, celebrate!’ And so I celebrate My Bedbugs, and continue to wish it more than obscurity, cause the more people that know about it, the cooler my story about all of this is!

-Ray

The World Series?

Thursday, June 19th, 2008

Here is something that has been pissing me off for a while now.

Why do they call the entire College Baseball playoffs the ‘College World Series’???

It’s a playoff system that seems to go on longer than a European soccer tournament. It seems to stretch out of 3 months or something. And yet they call it the College World Series. Maybe I am mistaken, but isn’t the concept of a series a bunch of games between 2 teams to reach a certain number of wins? Isn’t that what a series is?

So why so they call the whole thing the College flipping World Series!?!?!?!?

Every time I see the scores for the damn thing, I think it’s the finals. I mean, it’s the college world series, why wouldn’t I? Then the next day I see more scores for the college world series between 2 totally different teams. This is the gay.

Why not just call the whole thing the ‘College Baseball Playoffs’ and then call the final SERIES the ‘College World Series’? Does that make too much sense? I mean, in Major League Baseball, they call it the playoffs, then the finals are the World Series. Ids the system of verbage for the highest level of pro baseball not good enough for the college kids? It just feels like some kind of lame participation award. “Hey kids, you are all so special, you all get to play in the world series!!! Yay! Now eat your orange slices!” LAME!!!

So in closing, they need to stop calling the whole college baseball playoffs the college world series because it’s both confusing and gay. The end.

-Ray

A Quick Thought

Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

>???????? ????? ????????you notice how Major League Baseball’s Tampa Bay franchise (Long known as the worst team in the league) changed their name this year to the Tampa Bay RAYS this year? Before they were the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, but they see that the name Ray is superior and to dilute it would be the gay.

Anyways, this long struggling franchise changed their name to the superior RAYS, and know for the first time ever in the team’s history they are in first place.

You’re welcome.

-Ray