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So that was pretty cool!

This afternoon I was taking a nap when I was awoken by a loud creaking sound. It was like someone was trying to force my front door open, and my front door needed oil really bad. I jumped out of bed and stood there and I could feel the churning of the Earth under my feet. Right away I knew what it was.

This churning lasted a few more seconds, it felt like I was on some kind of ride. Then it was over. I walked into my living room and my cats were huddled together, they just looked up at me like, ‘Where the hell have you brought us?’ I looked over and the kitchen chandelier was swaying. Otherwise no sign of anything.

This was my first earthquake ever, so now I feel like a full fledged member of the LA community! I feel fine about the whole thing, but it was strange to look on the news and see grown adults crying and sobbing about it. I mean, this was tame as hell, what is wrong with these people? How emotionally fragile are the people around here where this rattles their world to it’s core? I mean, like 10 seconds later I was ready to go back to bed again. Huh.

Anyways all seems fine here, and all in all I am finally glad to pop my earthquake cherry.

-Ray

http://food.aol.com/play-with-your-food/breakfast-cereal-id-quiz

I scored 18 out of 20, and I am still kicking myself over the 2 I got wrong. Not too bad for someone who hasn’t eaten cereal in years!

Is what they should call it.

I am a huge fan and supporter of sketch comedy. I love it to death, and think that it is important that talented performers are given the stage/budget to perform.

So it sickens me to see a show this terrible on the air.

The Big Gay Sketch Show airs on LOGO TV. LOGO is, without mincing words, the gay channel. I don’t know if they get it everywhere, but here in LA it’s in the basic package. And this is nothing against being gay or even having a gay themed sketch show. I say if you can do it, go for it. But if you are trying something different and brave, wouldn’t you want it to be good?

This show fails on every level. I have seen quite a few episodes because I keep hoping that it will get better, but it just simply does not. The premises are weak, the humor is obvious, and the performances are middle school level at best. It is sad that seemingly the criteria for being cast on the show was that you had to be gay, and not that you had to be funny.

For example the episode I am watching now just had a sketch where a boyfriend was meeting his girlfriend’s 2 Dads at Xmas time. The joke comes not from an awkward and real clash of cultures, which might have actually been good. No, the joke comes when her 2 Dads come in and they have enormous testicles! See each Dad had a volleyball or something shoved down each pantleg to simulate huge balls! And then the Dads came in and out of the scene making overt sexual innuendo in regards to penis’s and testicles! Like one Dad sits back and wishes out loud that he could sell nuts on the street like the vendors that he sees. Get it??? NUTS!!! Then they both stand on either side of the uncomfortable boyfriend and put their balls on his shoulders without realizing they are doing it. Hysterical! Then the big payoff for the scene is when one of the Dads goes outside and it’s cold so comes back in with smaller balls shoved down his pants! HOLY SHIT I JUST DEF’D IN MY PANTS WITH LAUGHTER!!111

The follow up sketch was the new FOX hit game show, ‘Are you smarter than a transvestite hooker?’ The joke here seemed to be that the trannys were fighting, so big burly security guys showed up to stop them, and then the security guys wanted to bang the trannys. All while Jeff Foxworthy hosted and made bad redneck references.

The most telling part was right after that sketch ended they cut to Rosie O’Donnell and some friend up in the ‘balcony’. The butchy friend turns to Rosie and says, ‘What was the funniest part of that sketch’. Rosie, pauses, and the butchy continues, ‘No seriously can you tell me what was funny about that sketch.’ Rosie mumbles something about being Executive Producer of the show and that she didn’t know but she could make them do it again.

When you follow up a sketch with 2 people saying right to the camera that the sketch was not funny, and being right, you have a problem.

Here is my nugget of free advice to the people in charge of ‘The Big Gay Sketch Show’; Cancel the show. If you will not do that, perhaps you could find the funny in everyday situations that might happen to people who are gay. Perhaps ground your ideas in the strangeness of reality and not devolve every bit into obvious sexual innuendo and mugging for the camera. Perhaps if you did these small things your show would go from being a total embarrassment to everyone involved to something mildly watchable and interesting.

And I’m right here if you need further help, bring your checkbook.

-Ray

Saw it last night, freaking ROCKED! Loved it times 10. The visuals were great, the situations and characters were fab, and the action was amazing and fun.

I don’t know, I am a big fan of monsters. I love ‘em. And there is something about taking one group of monsters and having them fight another group of monsters that gets me all turgid. I mean, Hellboy like punches this dude and he’s all like FOOOOOM through the air and then he hits the wall and the wall is all like CRAAAAACK and the Hellboy is all like, ‘So what’s up now?’ and the other guys is all like, “Please stop hitting me.’ And. . .um. . . excuse me.

Like I said, something about the whole thing gets me giddy and turns be back into a 10 year old. I could not stop giggling and howling with joy during the movie, hopefully I didn’t annoy everyone around me, but if they are so un-awesome to notice be and not be doing the same themselves, well then I say poo on their heads.

Also, here is the deal, I am extrememly Pro-Orc and Pro-Goblin. If I could vote for an Orc for President I would. The Lord of the Rings movies pissed me off because they were horrible first off, but secondly because of the defamation of Orcs that happened during the movies. Awful stuff.

But here we get a movie where a Goblin inventor creates an army of unstoppable metal monsters and a bunch of Trolls (A cousin of the Orcs) have their own underground bazaar type stuff going on and both were rad. Of course it takes a Goblin to turn the tide in the humans vs. fantasy creatures war! Gotta give props to my greenskin homies!

So anyways, really super fun movie that everyone should see. Go see it, now.

-Ray

Ok, I’m getting more than a little pissed about stories like THIS.

Let me get this straight, we commit ourselves to an immoral and unholy war that raises our gas prices straight to high hell. Then after this happens and gas rises $1.50 in 12 months our ‘President’ says that the problem is that we aren’t drilling in wildlife preserves enough. Huh, that’s funny, we weren’t drilling in those areas in 2003 either, and gas wasn’t half this expensive. Yeah, clearly the problem is that we aren’t finding enough endangered species’ heads to drill into.

Meanwhile Big Oil again sports record profits, huh.

And now our beloved politicians are at it again. In the wake of stupid high gas prices, Senator John Warner (R-VA) wants to lower the national speed limit to save us gas. Not only that but Congresswoman Jackie Speier (D-CA) is also on board the train. Did you know that if we dropped the national speed limit to 55 MPH that we will save $.30 a gallon on gas?

They forgot the second part of that statement; Oh yeah, and by the way, fuck you America.

So if I understand this, they jack up our gas prices over $1.50 in 12 months, and then as a way to save us 1/5 of that amount they want to restrict our freedoms. Isn’t this a classic example of pissing on my shoe and telling me it’s raining?

Here is my plan, we find a way to lower gas by at least $.30 a gallon naturally (You know, like maybe we stop militarily harassing oil producing countries?) and then we get the fucktards like Warner and Speier out of office and replace then with people who’s heads are not firmly entrenched up their own asses.

And impeach Bush, why are the Democrats being such pussies about this? The ‘pubs tried to impeach Clinton over a damn blowjob, what’s wrong about trying to return the favor on a guy who actually deserves it?

Vote for me.

-Ray

So this Kids Show Round Up is special for a number of reasons.

First one since I moved to Hollywood. Also the first one in a while that I will do while genuinely drunk. Yay!

Anyways, this. . .is. . . CAILLOU!!!

I have absolutely no idea what the heck Caillou is supposed to be. I assume that it is the name of the protagonist involved. Is he maybe a cat? That would make sense I guess. Hmm, this might be rough, maybe I should have started back with the Christian stuff? Ah well, it’s already in the works, I may as well make it happen.

Today’s episode is “Caillou the Sports Star” (2006). It is a repeat that aired on 7/25 at 11am on channel 3, PBS KCET. In this episode ‘Clementine wins a ribbon for swimming and Caillou wants one, too; he’s disappointed that he can’t climb as far as Leo; Caillou imagines that he’s in a bike race for grown-ups. (Educational)

Really? This show is educational? I know I’ve banged on this drum before, but educational? What the heck am I going to learn from this show? It’s sounds like the theme of this show is disappointment and jealousy. Hmm, maybe I will enjoy this after all! Sounds so close to home and all, I think I will give it a chance. Alright, enough stalling, let’s get started!

This show is sponsored by Chuck E Cheese’s. Good to know, somehow Chuck E Cheese’s supports being an active kid! Huh, who knew?

And the show starts. Wow, how can I describe this animation? It’s as if the guy who drew the old ‘My name is Simon and I like to do drawings’ cartoons had a technicolor seizure. Also the edges of the screen have been bleached away, creating a barfy dream effect.

We begin with a theme song! He’s just a kid, well that is good to know, if he was a V style alien that would disturb me. he grows each day and likes exploring! Wow! So he is not a cat, sadly, hes just some kid in a faux British environment. Who names their kid Caillou? See my most recent post on naming for my full feelings. And Caillou is bald! A bald kids show kid? This is weird.

Todays show is called ‘Everyone’s best’.

Caillou talks to Clementine. Clem won a red ribbon at her swimming lesson! Red? What place is that even supposed to be? Oh dang, she is bragging about a participation ribbon. This show makes me sad.

Some red haired kid says he got a blue ribbon for running or something, and then takes off. I wish the camera had just let him go. Instead we pan over to see him bound away from Caillou. Yet he does not give chase, why?

Grandma asks him that very question. He responds with, ‘I’m not as fast as those other kids’, so he quit. I really like where this show is going. Grandma says that he is good at lots of other stuff, so no biggie. But then again, I am pretty sure that is what you tell your kid if he is dumb. “Sure those other kids get A’s and play sports better than you, but nobody takes a bigger poo than you my boy!

Caillou wishes he could win a ribbon like Clementine. Well if it’s just a red one, it’s not hard, just show up! Geez! Grandma has an idea. And is gone.

Caillou bursts a soap bubble, wow.

Grandma then creates a bunch of ribbons so that maybe Caillou might win one. I cannot express the depressing feeling this show gives me.

First event! Walk heel to toe, fastest wins!

Clementine wins! Granted she walked over the cat to do it, but shoot better than steroids on the cheating scale.

Event 2! Biggest smile! WHAT??!!?

Leo wins the measured biggest smile. That was really lame. Caillou wants to win a ribbon, but fails at every opportunity. Mom reminds him that trying to win is fun, so winning is not important. Welcome to kids shows in the George W. Bush era folks.

3rd Event! Silliest walk!

WINNER: JOHN CLEESE!

Oh wait, that would be too awesome, instead, Rosie wins, under a giant Sombrero. How sad, this whole thing is designed to get Caillou a ribbon, and he cannot even win the subjective events. What a loser.

4th Event! Nerd decathalon!

Well, best I can call these trials of the lame. Caillou runs, jumps over a ball, jumps over something, then throws a ball into a hoop. then runs back. Caillou however is running on the extreme left of the track and cannot change his direction, even when stopped right before the finish line. So he stops and lets the cat (Who was sleeping on the very leftmost point of the finish line) walk around him, while Leo wins the race by running through it. Why did Caillou not learn from the first event, when running over the cat gets you victory!?!?!

Grandma blames the cat. of course she does, better to blame the cat than your own grandchild’s retardation.

Caillou was having so much fun, he forgot about winning a ribbon, which is good cause he will never win one.

Event 5! No smiling contest!

No smiling, laughing, or giggling! So this event is held at a George Carlin show?

The others all laugh and Caillou seems strangely unfazed. Detached even, maybe it’s autism?

Caillou wins! Yay! Finally not having real human emotions pays off! And he wins. . .a green ribbon. A green ribbon??? LAME! And to really rub it in, they give the cat, who was not even competing, a yellow ribbon for best purr. Wow, enjoy your ‘victory’ Caillou, it was really worth something.

Having personally competed in tournaments for a long time now there comes a certain euphoria with victory. There is one game in particular that I have competed in nationally for well over a decade before finally breaking through and winning the title. This victory brought a lifetime satisfaction that is hard to explain or measure. I can only hope that Caillou does not feel an ounce of the fulfillment that I feel from that accomplishment.

Next episode! ‘Stronger every day’ I can only imagine that in this episode Caillou does not become a paraplegic.

Careful kids, that basket is heavy! Caillou carries it about 3 feet before having to put it down. Caillou wants to carry it the remaining 3 feet but he’s a weakling. Caillou is jealous of Dad, he wants to carry it! And thus the hatred begins.

Time to eat the picnic! Rosie is ready to eat now, even without food. So she starts to eat the grass near her. Mom suggests that cows eat grass, to which Rosie replies, ‘Moooooo!’ Thus begins a cycle of adult therapy.

Oh my God I just noticed that I am just 9 minutes through this 30 minutes show. I hate life.

Caillou wants to play on the monkeybars until lunch is ready. Never mind that this is a picnic and there is nothing to prepare. Caillou is tired of being small, so he took HGH and got hooked on a high protein diet. Oh wait, that is someone else. . .

Hey wow there are new monkeybars! The old bars had 4 rungs, these have 8! The old one is lame!!!

(A side note, at this point I pressed some button that made all my text go away, and I thought I lost everything, thank the correct deity for saved drafts. I could not go back and do that last part again. This stuff really does hurt)

Caillou does them all! Well, he gets as far as 4. So, why were these new ones so cool? By the way he had Dad help him through all 4. This is clearly a show about unrealized dreams and lying to yourself about your own failures. They want to go all the way, but lack the necessary skills to do it. So back to lunch!

Mom has a pot belly. Not trying to judge, it’s just that after having the kids she clearly does not care anymore. The kids refer to themselves as monkeys, and somewhere Howard Cosell gets in trouble. Mom gives the kids bananas to eat, and Rosie again let’s out a ‘Mooooooo!’ blast. I assume she does that before going back to eating the grass next to her. The kids pester Dad, ‘What do we do to grow up big and strong?’ Dad looks at Mom and laughs, before leaning over and saying the secret to all eternity, ‘To grow up big and strong, you have to. . . wait a minute,you already know, who told you? You have to eat healthy food, like fruits and vegetables, and sandwiches.’ Dr. Atkins would disagree, but he died of a diet induced heart attack.

The kids get excited because getting strong is done also by playing. Granted playing means spending 3 hours a day at the gym and forgoing alcohol, you know, fun!

Bikes appear. Clementine’s brother shows up and comments on how strong Caillou is getting. He likes to placate Caillou. And with that let’s go to a song.

I wanna be big right now! Which is odd cause I want someone to put a gun to my brain stem right now and pull the trigger. Folks, this shwo hurts, at least Yo Gabba Gabba flipping moved along, this thing just hangs there in the air mocking me. I feel like I have been watching it for like 5 hours and it has only been 15 minutes, oi.

This song has devolved into a rap of sorts. Caillou wants to be big right now, but being small is still Ok too, you know? So in other words this song has no point, got it.

Episode 3! “No more training wheels’

I want to die.

The brilliant Caillou starts this episode having wrapped himself in toilet paper, running through the house being chased by the cat. Now he pesters Dad. Dad is washing the front windows and Caillou wants to help, cause Caillou has nothing better to do. And 5 seconds later they are done. Wow.

Rosie is getting bigger. Caillou is getting bigger. 1 full minute of talking for that? Now their Asian friend Sarah shows up and invites Caillou to a bike ride. Dad wants to come to, so he hops on the mini trike and tried to go. But it turns out that was a joke! Ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And off they go. Since Caillou is a loser, he lags well behind the others. Caillou thinks he is ready to ride without his training wheels. i can see where this is going, and by that I mean failure.

Caillou imagines riding with no training wheels and winning the Tour De France it would seem. Then cold reality set it and Caillou realizes that he cannot do it. No seriously he cannot go 2 feet without teetering and almost falling over. Having used every adult in the neighborhood to prevent him from toppling Caillou finally exclaims, ‘I think my bike it getting tired.’ Ummm, yeah.

Caillou’s immense brain is tapped with trying the get Rosie’s shoes on. This should provide nanoseconds of entertainment. Rosie of course shares the same defective genes that Caillou has, so she tries to put the shoes on the wrong feet. When Caillou tries to fix it she shuts him down and tries to walk around, resulting in (you guessed it) failure. I have noticed a common theme in this show.

Caillou ponders his own failures at bike riding. Dad suggests that Caillou is not ready for it. So in other words embrace your own failure, and pray for tomorrow! Sarah suggests that they go for a bike ride again. But she will rollerblade, thus defeating the idea. The end.

Episode 4! Caillou the Sports Star. Oh this should be rich.

No Caillou I do not want to play a game with you, despite the audio prompting. But here we go anyways. . . Dad is holding a tennis racket, so he wants to play tennis! Which ball to use, the beach ball, the football, or the tennis ball. It takes Caillou 3 tries, but he gets it finally.

Sarah needs a helmet to go roller blading! Also Sarah has male pattern baldness apparently. No wonder she need headgear.

Are we still playing??? LEo wants to play baseball, so he needs a baseball glove and not mittens! And we learn a valuable lesson, you do not use a boxing glove to play baseball. I can now understand how this got listed as an educational show.

The game is over, oh praise be.

For more fun and games with Caillou, go to PBSKIDS.ORG

Remind me to never go there. In fact, can I use my parental chip to block that site in case I one day sleepwalk and my evil inner voice types it in then wakes me up to the horror?

Oh my, are we really done?

Nope, now we get a weird monologue about Grandpa. Grandpa knows how to make things, And one day they made a tent together, and under this tent rolling around apparently happened. No comment. He gives good hugs too!

He likes Rosie too BTW.

CREDITS! YAY! Somehow despite being one of the most cheaply animated shows I’ve ever seen, this show used like 200 animators. What were they all doing, feeding each other cheese curls?

And with that we are done. Wow, I really feel like I took a bullet with this one for you people. If you have a choice between watching one episode of Caillou and passing a fiery coconut through your corn hole, I’d look into the coconut option. This is a show that tells you that failure is in fact an option, and we should be Ok with not being as good as other kids as long as we are having fun. In other words all that crap our parents tried to tell us and we knew better. This show presents a new outlook on life and makes it alright to be a loser. Meanwhile the Japanese crush us in all things.

Avoid, avoid, avoid. I’d say watch it with your kids to prevent them from becoming complacent losers, but that would mean actually watching this show, and I would not wish that on anyone I know.

-Ray

Taking the advice of a friend of mine, I took a gander over at TBN and their fine assortment of children’s fare. I got 3 shows all lined up to DVR;

Faithville
God & Me
and the ever popular Bibleman

So I will have plenty in my pipe for the next couple months of Round Ups.

But to kick it off I got another one I found and will be recording Friday morning. The plan is to get really liquored up after work Friday night and create another installment of this popular series. This next title shall be confidential til it is time for the grand reveal though.

Almighty Ray; suffering through shows aimed at small children so you don’t have to.

You’re welcome.

-Ray

People do some weird things. Naming things is pretty high up on the list.

I don’t really even want to get into what people name their kids. There are some truly retarded names out there. My least favorite is when people name their kids with someone else’s last name. That frankly pisses me off. There are so many good names out there like Frank and Doug and Ralph, why are you naming your kid garbage like Austin or Morgan or Grayson?

Grayson? Really? If you name your kid Grayson they should just take him away from you, you failed the test. No seriously, naming your kid Grayson is the worst kind of child abuse you could do. A close second being letting your kid grow a mullet, and the 3rd being baby rape.

Here is an incomplete list of names that are not acceptable to name your kid;

Grayson
Taylor
Morgan
Apple
Austin
Tyler
Madison
Kennedy
Jackson
Jordan
Ford
Assfuck 9000

If you name your kid any of those things then people on the street should have the right to castrate you.

A different thought on naming is this, why do some women name their boobs? Like, have a different name for each one of them. Are they really so different from each other that they require individual identification? Are you worried that is the heat of the moment just yelling out ‘Suck the left one!’ will not be sufficient? I was trying to come up with a list of names that women would probably not go for in regards to their tits. Here is what I got;

Lumpy
Tubby
Milky
Bobo
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas
Assfuck 9000

Not that I want to judge you if you did in fact name one of your breasts one of those names. Oh wait, check that, that is exactly what I want to do.

But why name them? You don’t see men rolling around naming their balls do you? Well I hope not cause that would be strange. What the heck do you name your balls anyways? Something round sounding? Nautical maybe? Like The S.S. Minnow and Captain Jack? Or perhaps go biblical with it, like naming them Moses and The Ark? Or perhaps you are a big Charles Barkley fan, in which case you might name your balls The Round Mound and Rebound. Hmm, on second thought, naming your balls sounds pretty awesome. I think it’s high time I name mine. Gotta come up with something good, oh wait, I got it!

Assfuck 9000 and Frank

Done and done.

-Ray

So I was reading the blog of my friend Julia and I found the following entry;

Why I hate vampires.

This is just plain full of incorrectness, vampires are awesome, and I’m about to prove my point.

The entire concept of vampires whups arse. Let’s break this down, a vampire is an otherworldly monster who lurks in darkness, craves human blood, and possesses superhuman powers. What isn’t awesome about that? Shoot, let’s break that down point by point;

1) Supernatural monster who lurks in darkness
Some things go bump in the night, sure it could be a run of the mill monster, like the one pictured here;

YAWN. This monster is so scary that a small child in footy pajamas is nothing short of dismissive. Now i guarantee that if this same kid saw this where the wild things are;

That same kid would never again want to go to said location. Frankly, that picture is so scary that I just def’d in my pants looking at it.

2) Vampires crave blood
Yeah, that’s right, that thing that you need to keep you alive, they need it for brunch. And not only do they want to drink your vitae, chances are that they will seduce you into giving it up willingly! Wow! I can’t even get ladies to give me an honest hug, and these vampires will talk them into spilling their life juice for a snack? But let’s put aside the seduction angle for a moment before it depresses me more. Do me a favor and take your pulse, that’s right, put your 2 fingers to your neck. i’ll wait. . . . . Ok, now feel that pounding? It’s your blood pumping through your body. Yeah, and they want to bite ya and drink it. If that does not creep you out for even a sec then you’re probably someone who watches Fear Factor and tells all your friends how cooler you are than the people on that show.

3) Vampires have superhuman powers
Alright, if you are not convinced that I am right yet, how about this one? Vampires roll about with freaking super powers! Think about that superhero that you think is so cool. Spiderman? The Hulk? Antman? Well now imagine if that same superhero did the same stuff, but was a vampire? 10 times more awesome. Vampires have been known to have the following powers; Superhuman Strength, Superhuman Speed, Mind Control, Flight, Animal Control, ESP, Extreme Claw Growth, Virtual Invulnerability, Virtual Immortality, Invisibility, and the ability to transform their bodies into the form of wolves, bats, and mist. Heck there are probably 500 more powers I did not even name! And not just that but not all vampires share the same powers! So you get a different mix every time, cool! I believe that if you do not like superheroes, then this summer’s box office tally will show that you are plain not cool.

But let’s take a look at the other types of monsters that you might be (wrongly) thinking are cooler than vampires, shall we?

Werewolves

Werewolves are feral monsters who need a full moon to turn into a wolf-hybrid mess. Ugh. Werewolves have no sense of style or panache, they just rip things up. In other words, werewolves are the monster world equivalent of Ohio State fans. Take note of the above picture where the Teen Wolf schools a fat kid in short shorts in a game of basketball. Wow, impressive. And not just that, when the poster boy of your monster is Michael J. Fox, you have serious credibility problems. Michael J. Fox has not just hurt werewolves, he also ruined the credibility of;

Time Travelers

Doctors

And Animated Mice

And all that just reinforces how lame werewolves are.

Mummies

Despite current Hollywood propaganda, Mummies are not awesome. Here is what you do if a mummy is trying to attack you;

WALK AWAY AT A BRISK PACE.

You see mummies are hundreds of years old, wrapped in bandages, and only attack because they are cranky at being woken up. They also move at a snail’s pace, so a nice powerwalk will get you out of the danger zone. And not only that, as everyone knows, mummies are also highly flammable. I mean, old dry crusty bandages ignite my man! So if you are too close to a mummy to hopscotch away, just pull out your Zippo and grab the marshmallows!

Ghosts

Wow, so let me get this straight. Ghosts are immaterial, so they cannot actually do a whole heck of a lot in the physical world. So they rattle chains, bang on the walls, and make moaning noises. Well hell I do all that on a good Saturday night! And how do you remove ghosts? Well let’s take a look at the 2 most famous ghost destroyers shall we?

Sorry, but when this is the crew that has been handing you your ass, it’s time to give it up.

And now the final piece to my counterpoint; A little trip down memory lane to show you some vampires that are awesome. These are a little more rapid fire so please keep up.

The Count

This guy freaking pwns. He’s a Muppet who dresses like a pimp and spends his days counting random crap while laughing in an evil manner. And they will never admit it, but I’m pretty sure he’s the guy who took out Mr. Hooper.

Nosferatu

From the silent movie era comes a bald guy with long fingernails who would make BA Baracus cry just by looking at him. The classic inhuman vampire, that scene where he rises up out of his coffin still freaks people out nearly a century later. What else that old could get such a reaction? Well, besides the gum from an unopened pack of Topps that is.

Gangrel

So he’s an immortal undead monster, and a pro wrestler from the late 90’s? Oh hells yeah! Oddly though despite being totally awesome, he never seemed to be able to use his vampiric power to pin Stone Cold Steve Austin. But then again I didn’t see any wraiths pin him either, so that is a push.

Cassidy

Cassidy is a drunken Irish vampire from the comic book Preacher. To be fair, you either already know why Cassidy is awesome, or you just plain haven’t read the masterpiece that is Preacher. So explanation not needed, this guy rocks.

Count Chocula

Count Chocula is the son of Satan himself. I mean look at those beady eyes! Sure, he might be trying to sell you cereal, but turn your back on the Chocmeister and he will rip out your windpipe with his teeth and gorge himself on your sweet flowing throat nectar. Don’t be fooled, this is one cereal mascot that will rip your ass in half.

Blacula

Ok, I was only going to give 5 examples, but then I remembered Blacula. This movie would be awesome enough with the jive talk and the great soundtrack, but then Blacula steps up the violence by throwing a barrel at a guy’s head from an overhead catwalk and DRILLING HIM right in the noggin. For that moment alone Blacula gets the nod.

So there you go. Vampires are freaking awesome, and I have just proven it in more ways than Wonderbread builds strong bodies. I will leave you with this, the definitive statement on why vampires are the most rad thing ever;

Bela F’ing Lugosi.

QED

-Ray

I just watched ESPN and their lame ‘Titletown’ series. They finally got around to doing Detroit, and i thought that Al Kaline made a strong case.

Noteworthy however is the fact that they did this whole segment about the greatness of Detroit sports, and there was not one Detroit Lions reference. Not one, not a mention of the great teams of the 50’s, not one mention of Barry (Greatest football player to have ever lived) Sanders. Nothing.

You cannot see it but I just looked up at my Lions pennant hanging on the wall and then I hung my head in shame.

Oi, thankfully the Lions will win the Super Bowl this year and make every—-ugh, I can’t even type it.

-Ray