Ok, this is a show that I have seen before, and I still cannot believe that it exists.
Have you ever been sitting around, thinking to yourself, ‘Hey, if only there was a biblical themed superhero who carried a lightsabre, had low production values, and teaches children that the most important thing in life is to not question authority?’
Well if the answer to that question is ‘Yes’ than have I got the show for you!!!
You can find Bibleman on your local Trinity Broadcasting Network affiliate. They also do ‘Bibleman Live’ which might just be coming to a Missouri town near you! I’ve seen it before as mentioned, and have been putting it off for the Kids Show Round Up.
I shall wait no more.
Bibleman; Originally aired on 7/26/08 at 10am on local channel 17, TBN. A religious superhero fights villains and helps kids overcome moral dilemmas (Religion).
In past episodes I have seen, Bibleman has ‘helped’ kids by teaching them that hanging around with Non-Christian kids will lure them to Satan. I have also seen him ‘help’ kids by teaching them that if they go to websites on the internet, they will turn evil.
This show is freaking amazing. It’s the kind of show that you would swear was a parody when you were watching it. Then you slowly realize that they are serious in the delusional things they say, and that this is marketed to children. Of all the evil I have faced doing this site, this show might possibly be the most sinister.
Let’s get to it.
We open with an ad thanking shows like Bibleman for providing entertainment with Christian principles. Someone kill me now.
Last time on Bibleman: The local newspaper created the first ever Bibleman comic strip, which will begin it’s worldwide distribution next week. If it truly had worldwide distribution then why is the press conference being held in the corner of an office at the Shotzville Gazette? And where the heck is Shotzville?
Bibleman and little boy Steven are there! Bibleman would like to thank Steven for helping. What he did exactly is not fully explained.
Some electricity themed villain wants to zap the kid. I approve.
We now meet a new kid in town, he’s an artist, just like Steven. Ahh, there you go. Why they tapped a small boy to draw a worldwide distributed comic is beyond me. How will he juggle both school, job, and gasp, still go to church? And what of child labor laws? I am guessing we will not find answers to any of these questions.
The new kid sucks up to Steven by praising his ability as an artist, I can see where this one is going already.
And wasting no time the villain zaps Steven and fills him with human emotions. Bibleman suggests that the new kid (who’s name is Tyler BTW) help Steven on the Bibleman comic. Steven blows him off though, cause he really doesn’t need any help. I mean, taking pride in your work, is that a sin? Oh wait, yeah, it is..
Steven goes to take pictures for publicity. Tyler is sad because he doesn’t get to be in them. Um, hey, new kid, Steven just met you, and doesn’t even know if you are even talented, why you trying to gank his limelight? Of course Bibleman and sidekick apologizes to Tyler for Steven, cause not letting a random stranger take creative control of a project you have worked hard for is a sin.
Bibleman tells his sidekick to watch Steven, cause he apparently does not trust him. Electric villain (who is named The Prince of Pride BTW) zaps Bibleman over and over to try and corrupt him.
Back at the Biblecave, and out of costume, Bibleman worries that he looks too good in the Bibleman comic, and that if he looks too good that he will deflect attention away from God, and that would be wrong. He wants to stay humble, well as humble as a purple clad religion themed superhero can be.
Pride and his Bill and Ted sidekick watch the inside of the Biblecave (?) on their computer. Pride says that his ego enhancing machine is working great, while Beavis says that it is not. See it’s working cause now Bibleman is proud of being humble. Um, sure, why not?
Steven has a new picture, it is a cosmic pic of Bibleman standing on a bible. Bibleman thinks that will draw attention away from God. Um, if he was so worried about that, why not just create a fictional character named ‘Godman’ and have him fight crime then? Then you could make him look as good as you wanted? Oi, trying to inject logic into this show is like trying to inject a ham with steak.
Pride looks on with glee. Steven and Bibleman argue about the creative direction of the comic. this is why you cannot trust kids with anything important. Tyler shows up to CB, he brought a drawing of a new Bibleman sidekick, and wants to use it! Bibleman loves it, even though having a sidekick would deflect attention away from God. Steven rightfully thinks that it is his project and wants to protect his end of things. Steven leaves in anger.
Suddenly the computer UNICE alerts everyone (wherever UNICE actually is) that there is a proximity alert to Bibleman! Oh no, and now Pride appears out of thin air and we have a LIGHTSABRE BATTLE!!
Pride shoots Bibleman with his shoulder cannon of ego enhancing power and cackles like a crazy man. Bibleman says that he is not proud! I wouldn’t be either Bibleman, I wouldn’t be either. Pride warps out of there, and now Bibleman knows what is going on.
Back at the Biblecave, Sidekick has talked some sense into Steven, and now things are cool. Bibleman wants some time to pray. Let me know how that works out for ya pal.
Now we hear the tale of Miles Peterson. He is in the rain and dressed like death of a salesman. He screams at the ground in rage. Then he found the bible buried in the dirt, where it belongs. This man is now BIBLEMAN!!! No explanation given as to how he built a lightsabre, but so it goes my friend. Now we suddenly, 8 minutes into the show, get the opening credits. Huh?
Oh wait, were those closing credits? Oh man I am confused.
Now we have part 2. Oh, fair.
Bibleman has been praying on and off all morning. Steven still rejects the new sidekick, and is working on a new one, but won’t give details. A meeting is set up with the newspaper editor and the principle players in this caper.
We cut back to Pride in his Sewer fortress, watching more clips from inside the Biblecave. Pride orders his computer Luci (get it?) to send the Bible computer UNICE an E-mail of pride. How will that work exactly to a machine? Anyways, Pride falls down and Luci actually busts out with a ‘Smooth move, ExLax’ quip. No, seriously.
Luci drops some sketches into Steven’s files to set him up. So Pride will send his own pic as the new sidekick or something. See, then Steven will think new kid did it, and then all will explode.
At the meeting. the idea for Steven’s new sidekick i rejected cause, well, cause it’s crap. They look at other pictures and find one that the editor really likes. Why? I could not tell you, it’s a guy who looks like a gaunt Hulk. Steven says that he did not even draw it, and the editor just says, ‘Well whoever did has got some talent’. Steven (rightfully) gets pissed off and threatens to quit.
Editor, the voice of reason, decides to table the sidekick idea. what about villains? But wait, wouldn’t having villains in the comic take focus off of God? Ah, never mind. Anyways the new Pride themed villain (If you remember) sketch is wildly loved by the editor. But Bibleman gets a blast of pride and is mad because its not his idea, and he has creative control. Steven quits in anger, and blames new kid. Meeting over.
Sidekick decodes the picture, and using technology that does not exist in this realm of reality, he breaks the villain picture down proving it to be Pride. ‘And I bet that he is here’. In materializes Pride, who now knows Kung Fu. As does Bibleman. Now they are both speaking in backwards talk and moving very fast. No, seriously. What the heck is going on here? Now the room goes dark and we get ANOTHER LIGHTSABRE FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meanwhile sidekick sits at his laptop mid battle and tried to check his email.
Let’s have a talk where we quote bible verses! Bibleman throws out a Proverb from, well, Proverbs that says that pride comes before destruction.
Taking a quick pause here. If Bibleman does not use Pride as his villain in the comic at this point, would it not be because of his own Pride? And so therefore does he not need to give this villain his due or fall flat before his own pride? and if so, does that not negate the entire lesson of this show? Unpausing.
Pride says that the comic will fizzle. He is probably right. Sidekick cannot access his email, I am not sure why that is more important than helping Bibleman in his fight from him 2 feet away.
Luci and UNICE spar with words now over the internets. Luci says that UNICE is too slow, and UNICE says that she has Intel inside. No, seriously.
And with more words, UNICE blows up. Bibleman gets zapped, and Sidekick shows up to try and save UNICE, and nobody watching has a clue what is going on.
ACTION CUT TO; Bibleman and Pride quietly sitting at a table playing Go Fish. No, seriously.
ANOTHER ACTION CUT TO; Rock paper scissors between Pride and Bibleman while the microphone hangs in view of the camera. What the heck is this show?
FINAL ACTION CUT TO; MID LIGHTSABRE BATTLE!!! With no explanation as to what the heck I was just watching. The writers must have been following the book of Zephaniah, where it says, ‘Lo, and God doth giveth crack to writing team, and they doth smoketh it, and then wroteth an episode of Bibleman, and it was not good, Amen.’
Sidekick orders the UNICE to purge all files not belonging to Christ Sure, why not? UNICE thanks Sidekick and gives him all the credit for saving it. Of course Sidekick tells UNICE that she is crazy, and that God deserves all the credit. Um, but God let UNICE blow up didn’t he? Whatever, selective appropriation of lessons and message. Fine, I’m over it.
Bibleman shows up sans helmet to the Biblecave and wants to give up. He says that Pride is right and the comic is sunk and he wants to quit. But is that not Pride talking? Of course! And now Bibleman feels much better. Active the rectal scanner! Errr, excuse me, retinal scanner! And here are the actual transcribed words from the show;
UNICE: My scanner shows infra red trace elements consistent with those scanned near Steven.
Sidekick: That Pride guy must have hit you both with some ego stimulating heat-ray-donic seismo-ray!
Bibleman: Creating an ego-plasmic distortionary electro-field. Which caused Steven and I to focus on ourselves instead of God. Insidious.
Sidekick: That’s a big word.
Bibleman: Yes it is.
Oh. . My. . .God I LOVE this show.
Anyways UNICE finds an appropriate bible passage about Pride. Bibleman has a plan; Create a Pride themed comic without the ending, Pride will be crazy not knowing how it ends ands will show up.
Bibleman begs Steven for forgiveness, and preaches about God. Steven accepts it and is ready to make comics again. And this show actually does something correct in answering my rhetorical question earlier, as Bibleman puts his pride aside to create a Pride centered comic. Steven wants new kid to help him, to make the deadline.
Cut to kids drawing! The ending is apparently going to be so great that it will ‘knock their eyeballs out’. Is that from the Old Testament?
Pride of course, sees all, and Bibleman shows up in his sewer fortress to challenge him. How he got there is fuzzy at best, and what this has to do with his plan is even fuzzier. If he could just show up at his base, why go through all the trouble of making a Pride themed comic? Oi.
Now we have YET ANOTHER LIGHTSABRE BATTLE!!!!! Bibleman lets out a ‘Is that your final answer’ blast. What, no time for ‘You are the weakest link, goodbye?’ At this point Bibleman starts blowing up all pious with preachy banter that you would typically hear from a drunk homeless guy at 3:23 AM outside a strip club. Bibleman is getting more righteous (and crazy) with every statement, so this show is probably ending soon.
Pride tries to shoot his pride cannon at Bibleman, but it is all deflected back at Pride, who somehow is effected. Pride is shot back into an electrical panel, where he sizzles and turns into a skeleton and dies. Score one for righteous fanatical fury!
Now Bibleman turns and talks to me directly! “Pride and destruction go together like liver and onions, or Sonny and Cher, or Donny and Marie, or finding a band-aid in your salad”. Um, sure.
Back at the Biblecave, the comic is out! yay! The editor is calling to thank him. Yay!
Following some inane banter, Bibleman is here to talk to us, the kids, directly. He wants us to know that it is Ok to be proud of our accomplishments, but not proud of our actions. Sure, a razors edge of difference, but I will go with it. By the way no matter what Jesus Christ will be proud of you. Doesn’t that make him prideful? AARRGGHHHH!!??!!
Credits! And not a moment too soon!
We learned many important lessons from todays show. Lessons like, ‘Be proud, but not prideful’, and, ‘Don’t leave the front door to your sewer fortress unguarded’, and ‘Don’t let your kids watch confusing Christian themed kids shows’. If you knowingly let your kids watch this show then you have failed as a parent. This episode was as the others were, confusing and almost a self parody. The lesson was murky at best, and the villain’s message rang more true with me than the hero’s. Thankfully I saw in the closing credits that this show was made in 2000, and hopefully is out of production. For Godless jerks like me though, this show is pure heaven. I would have to say that this is one that you should have your kids avoid, but get drunk and watch yourself.