So, I was all prepared to do another religious themed program for this episode of Kids Show Round Up. I took care of Bibleman, but still have another 2 in my DVR (Faithville and God rocks). Man oh man, watching a kids show called ‘God Rocks’ does have it’s calling, let me tell you.
But then I discovered another show over the weekend, which raised a bunch of questions to me.
What kids show debuts new episodes on Sunday night at 3:30 AM stuck between infomercials and, well, MORE INFOMERCIALS???
Ok, to be honest that was the only question it asked. But seriously, while going through my ‘Guide’ feature on my digital cable, I found this curious show stuck on the latest part of a Sunday night between some infomercials for penis extension and some more infomercials for making your fortune through real estate. And this was for a brand new episode!
My curiosity was at an apex. The fact that the name of this show is ‘Biker Mice From Mars’ just pushed it over the top, I have to do this show next, I NEED to do this show next.
So I am doing this show next.
Biker Mice From Mars; Originally aired on 9/21 at 3:30 AM on Channel 11 KTTV (FOX)
New, “Bringing Up Vinnie”, (2008), Vinnie is accidentally turned into a baby mouse by the evil Dr. Catorkian, and the Mice must deal with his diapers as they battle the Catatonians and Ronald Rump. (Animated)
Holy crap, I think I may have found the greatest show in the history of TV.
The fact that they have a villain character based on the Michigan Suicide Doctor Jack Kevorkian notwithstanding. The fact that they battle a Donald Trump character named Ronald Rump notwithstanding. The fact that they have to CHANGE DIAPERS in the middle of a battle notwithstanding. The fact that they are mice who fight cats, while being from Mars and riding bikes notwithstanding. This show was stuck in between 2 infomercials at 3:30 AM on a Sunday night! I cannot push that callback button enough.
THIS IS GOING TO BE FRIGGING AWESOME!!!
Let get started;
And we begin! Some human finds wrinkles in his face while is a high rise office. He is hanging with Katie Couric and Dick Cheney apparently. I should probably assume that this guy is evil. He goes to his video wall and talks to DR. CATORKIAN without blinking an eye at the fact that he is talking to a cat in a labcoat, who is almost ready. But for what?
Dr. Catorkian claims that he has found the fountain of Youth, and it’s time for the experiment! We find a classic homeless woman (but still a cat) character sitting in a dentist’s chair. The good doctor takes what can only be described as a tube of cake frosting and shoots the whole thing on her face. No seriously. And then wraps her face in bandages before shooting some laser at her. It should also be noted that apparently Dr. Catorkian is like 20 feet tall.
The human plugs his ears from the noise, wouldn’t it just be easier to turn down the volume on his video wall?
Anyways, Catorkian takes off the bandages, sees what he made, and then puts the bandages back on while grinning sheepishly. I have a feeling that this whole thing did not work. He says as much, and the human (yet unnamed) complains that without this secret formula he is nothing but a wrinkled up billionaire. Wait, what’s the problem again? I think that this whole episode might have gone another way if he only knew of something called plastic surgery. No worries though, this is a new science, and easy to miss, especially here in Los Angeles.
Catorkian requests more test subjects, or as he would go on to call them, ‘Lab Rats, Lab Mice, whatever you’d call them’. And I see how our heroes might get involved, cause I’m smart!
But wouldn’t finding regular mice who were not on bikes or from Mars be much more simple than the alternative? Or is this some alternate Earth where said mice do not exist? Hmm, maybe all will be explained in this OPENING SEQUENCE!!!
Biker Mice From Mars…BWANG BWANG 80′s RIFF BWANG…Biker Mice From Mars!!!
So these mice have both cybernetic weapons built in as well as super powers, and they fight jets, and robots, and probably the establishment.
This show was created by Rick Ungar, who probably has a prescription for it.
And we meet our heroes in the location where all heroes should be met; In a cornfield.
They are on their way to meet up with some friend or something. One of the mice asks the question out loud of why their friend would be hanging out in a cornfield, and makes sure to start his sentence with the word ‘Dude’ so we can be quite sure that he is totally awesome.
Despite Mecha-Mouse (I assume that is his name, I mean I made it up for him) using his robot arm to lock in to their friend’s signal, the other mice, (Who I will now name Leader and Nubby, cause I can) feel that nothing is there but corn…Til they roll by a giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robot with death lasers. Check that, that would be 4 giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robot(s) Plural.
The Biker Mice From Mars promptly turn around and drive away from the giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots, who do not give chase. But what kind of role-models would they be if they just did that? So Leader turns around to face them head on! using a small laser from the front of his bike, Leader hits 2 of the robots with one shot apiece, blowing them up 5 seconds after he hits them. Thankfully, in true GI:Joe fashion that gives the cats inside time to parachute out before the mild explosion.
But wait, that leave 2 more robots to chase the other 2 biker Mice From Mars! What will happen? I mean, despite the fact that one of the mice just took out 2 of them without thinking about it or breaking a sweat, what will 2 mice do against 2 of them? Hmm, my guess is that they will take them out easily without breaking a sweat, but let’s find out together!!!
They take out the 2 robots without breaking a sweat, who saw it coming???
Mecha-Mouse, after dispatching the 2 robots, then looks at the camera and says that his mother told him to eat his veggies so that he will grow up big and strong, no seriously, he says that. I wonder what she told him about grafting inorganic metal appendages to his own body? I guess she said ‘Go for it’ cause he did.
OH NO! Out of nowhere a 5th giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robot pops out! Our heroes dispatched with the first 4 with little to problem individually, what will they do when confronted as a group by just one of them?
The answer: Absolutely nothing as a ‘Mouse Trap: The Game’ style giant glowing bell cage is slowly lowered on top of them while they sit there and look at it. Huh?
The mice are now tied together in a cage held over a boiling vat of oil or something. With a true look into the hygene of the Biker Mice From Mars, Leader asks why he is about to take a bath when it’s not even Saturday.
Enter Dr. Catorkian! Who graciously welcomes the Biker Mice From Mars, and introduces himself. One of the Mice responds with the tried and true; ‘What’s up Doc’. Causing the Doctor to pause before qupping back, ‘Ah, you made a funny, like a Bugs Rabbit no?’. No Dr. Catorkian, they did not, but thanks for playing. One of the Biker Mice questions what planet the Doctor is from to not get their hip and current reference. Well geez Mice, not everyone has what planet they are from in the title of the show! Dang!
The mice, it would seem, have been chosen for an experiment which, if successful, will result in nobody ever having to age again. Not a bad deal if you ask me, in the name of science I hope that they succeed! That human (Who at this point I have to assume is Ronald Rump) shows up to oversee, and the Mice mock him for having a big rear end. They then go on to make a Madonna reference, proving how current and into the recent scene they are. When was this made again? Oh yeah, FREAKING 2008!!! They go on to make Paris Hilton and J-Lo references when finally Nubbie realizes how gay they all sound and calls them out for it.
Cut to Outside; Where some hot chick in a van pulls up looking for the Mice. Her locater tells her that they are hidden away in a very, and I mean VERY phallic looking silo with a glowing side door.
Let conduct the experiment! The Mice are lowered, but stopped when they ask about the nature of the substance they are about to get dunked in, cause you know, it’s vitally important to any test subject that they fully understand what is going to happen to them.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL!!! Wait, someone actually paid to get commercial time on this show at this hour? Wow.
Oh man, the best part about this commercial break is that I don’t have to write anything or make sense of this nonsensical junk. I wish the rest of the show was all commercials.
Sadly it is not.
And we’re back!!! Back at the Junk Silo.
And Hot Chick blasts the van through the wall of the silo, despite the fact that in the beforeseen picture, the silo was clearly up on stilts of some kind, meaning that she would have had to jump the van (with no ramp) like 200 feet up in the air to make this happen. GO TEAM LOGIC!!111
She giggles about saving them, and shoots the cage open, and all heck breaks loose! While most of the villains are seen just standing there watching, the Biker Mice crush anyone they can while the cage swings around the room. And Nubbie falls from the cage and into the vat!!!
Despite facing almost certain painful death, he still has a lame quip prepared, cause you know, he’s rad.
And he gets out of the vat only to slide into the table holding the magic laser which flies in the air and starts shooting him over and over again while spinning. Sure, why not? If you read the plot guide, you already know what is about to happen.
The Biker Mice get in the van and roll backwards down a ramp that I swear to God was not there before. Well, at least they are covering their implausible bases.
I really do not want to watch this anymore. We are only 12 minutes in. Please kill me.
Somehow the baddies blow up their own silo, and the heroes drive away. Nubbie asks for some cheese to snack on, prompting everyone else to flip out, Don’t Mice eat cheese? Am I missing something here? Or are Biker Mice rejecting cheese XTREME?!!
The pull the van over about 2 feet later, still in the cornfield, and proceed to drink beer and eat what I can only guess is roast beef by itself. And plot point delivered; Nubbie has become a baby. Strangely his cybernetic implants have also shrunk to accommodate his new size. That was nice of them to do.
Hot chick shows her motherly nature by complaining loudly that she does not want to take care of him. I can only guess that the other Biker Mice also do not share paternal leanings. Mecha-Mouse suggests to Hot Chick that she gives him milk to calm him down. HECK YEAH! Sadly she passes, and they give him a bottle of Root Beer instead. They are good parents. Belching ensues, because belching is XTREME!!!
Cut back to Ronald Rump, where it is revealed that they can track the newly made baby using some science gizmo. Word.
Hot Chick tries to sing to Baby Nubbie, and he in turn, starts speaking and hits on her. He drinks more root beer, belches, and the Biker Mice take off while Baby Nubbie craps himself, thus leaving Hot Chick to change the diaper. That was nice of them. And Nubbie escapes only to be attacked by more giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots!!! Proving their antagonist incompetence the robots shoot lasers at Nubbie only to miss him every time, despite the fact that, you know, HE IS A BABY JUST CRAWLING AROUND ON THE GROUND.
Cut to my sweet, sweet oasis, errr, I mean commercial!
we return to find that the villains have lost Baby Nubbie in the cornfield. Man, if only they had a gizmo which could be used to locate him. Hmmmmm.
And Nubbie stumbles across a random abandoned carnival, never mentioned or pictured til just now.
Hijinx ensue as Nubbie turns on the power to the carnival, and the baddies try to bring him in, but fail, maybe if they just got out of their giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots and just went after him it might be easier?
ACTION SCENE! And the Biker Mice fight, well, you know what it is they are fighting, I’ve typed it like 900 times. These robots are the easiest thing to destroy in the known universe. Bubblewrap puts up a better fight.
So now we get a few Batman inspired flying vehicles to sell more toys…errrr to bring on the fight! And they get dispatched by grappling hooks, wow, those things are lamer than the aforementioned giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots!
Some evil cat gets into the house of mirrors with little Nubbie. After trying to get him, evil cat loses him. At which point from behind Nubbie rides a vaudeville style big front wheel bike over the evil cat from out of nowhere. And again. And again.
At this point the Biker Mice take control of the situation, leaving a tent full of cats tied to the ferris wheel to die a horrible, horrible death.
This does not solve the crisis of the age problem though, and we are running out of time for this episode! Oh wait, Nubbie turns back into a full sized mouse for no reason by doing nothing. Huh. Then he goes right back into hitting on Hot Chick. That was climactic.
I check the closing credits to see if I recognize any names of friends. I look to see who I might have to punch in the face later. Thankfully I find none that I know.
Bottom Line: The show sucks. This show sucks harder than the vacuum of space. It tries so hard to be XTREME but is just lame, like basically all other shows that try to do the same. Basically to be XTREME in a kids show seems to mean that you need to have belching, soda, old references, old slang, and loud noises. If your kid actually likes this show then look out; Insubordination, mullets, and the music of Billy Joel are probably soon to follow.