Archive for September, 2008

Details of a Whupping

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

Continuing with the theme of me whupping people, let’s take a look at how I did this year in my fantasy baseball rotisserie league this past year. We were the Badicon Zons because that name pwns.

Oh yeah I totally dominated it.

Let’s go inside the numbers as to how badly I shamed everyone else involved, shall we?

So this was a 9 team league, 5×5 style, and these were my rankings;

Badicon Zons:
Batting:
Runs – 1st
Home Runs – 1st
RBIs – 2nd
Stolen Bases – 2nd
Batting Average – 2nd
Pitching:
Strikeouts – 3rd
Wins – 1st
Saves – 5th
ERA – 8th
WHIP – 7th

For a grand total of 68 points. I crushed all the offensive stats, and punted ERA and WHIP in favor of Wins and K’s. Here are the final standings;

1 Badicon Zons 68
2 Team Nowell 57
3 Team Testani 55
4 Team LARSON 54
5 Topeka Monkey Butlers 49.5
6 Team Hanchon 49
7 Team McRae 44
8 Team Adomaitis 40.5
9 Team Morrow 33

So I won by a grand total of 11 points, or over 19% of the total score of the 2nd place team.

Ok, so now I’m just being whatever the opposite of humble is, but I believe that I deserve it, because I am awesome, and this is more proof.

-Ray

End of year tabulation

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

Ok, the baseball regular season has thus basically ended for 2008.

As you may know I like to put up my predictions and try to get other friendly websites to do the same.

Let’s go to the scorecards of myself and Team Nowell and see who won shall we?

ME:
AL East: Boston (Did not win division but still made playoffs)
AL Central: Detroit
AL West: Los Angels
Wild Card: Cleveland

NL East: Atlanta

NL Central: Cubbies
NL West: Dodgers

NL Wild Card: NY Mets (Just missed wild card on final day of season)

So the first time in a few years that I did not pick the Brewers to make the playoffs, and this is the year that they do it. Goes to show. I would also like to credit myself with correctly picking the Yankees to miss the playoffs.

This whole thing tabulates out to 4 out of 8 playoff teams picked correctly. Let’s compare with Team Nowell;

AL:
Yankees
Mariners
Tigers
WC: Indians

NL:
Mets
Brewers
Dodgers
WC: Cubs

So he flipped the Cubs and Brewers, but both count since both made the playoffs. However he totally butchered the American League picks, resulting in a total of 3 out of 8 playoff teams.

Thusly, I am the winner once again this year because I am great.

Next year I am hoping to get more sites involved, so that my victory shall be even more impressive.

-Ray

Family Dancers

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

Here is a new video that I am in! Wow!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

-Ray

Debatin’

Sunday, September 28th, 2008

Watched the debate. did not really find anything that great to see in it.

It was one of those where Obama finished mildly ahead on points, but not far enough ahead to call it a win. Therefore you got to call the whole thing a draw. I do not feel that anybody is really going to remember much about this debate and that it will effect people hardly at all.

Both candidates basically put their thoughts out there. Looking at the independent fact check site it would seem as if McCain stretched the truth more than Obama did, but that is to be expected.

Where McCain screwed up:
Did not look over at Obama but one time the whole hour and a half affair. He looked about as trollish as you would expect, and looked uncomfortable more than a little bit.

Where Obama screwed up:
Why oh why did Obama say that McCain was right so much? This is a campaign that will be won through misinformation and sound bites. The only thing I expect to come from this whole thing is the following video;

To an undecided (Read: Idiot) voter, having one candidate who says he has all the answers (McCain) and another who keeps pointing out how right the first guy was (Obama) makes deciding who to vote for an easy task.

This election is going to be won or lost by the bottom 20% of the population. So it’s time to start pandering to the idiot masses, and giving short & easy to follow answers, even if those answers are totally wrong. This is how you win a state full of morons (Ohio), and that is how to win this idiot nation.

Bottom Line: Both sides say they won, and in their own eyes, they did. The VP debate should be high entertainment, as Sarah Palin is probably going to get massacred by Biden, cause she’s a legit moron. I mean, seriously, she claims a vast wealth of foreign experience, but does not even have her passport? This next debate should be a lay up for the Democrats, but I’ve seen them screw up on easier tasks than this.

-Ray

Congrats Rays!!!

Saturday, September 27th, 2008

Despite losing more games than every other team in Major League Baseball last year, this year’s edition of the Tampa Bay Rays has just won the AL East. The AL East as you might know is the toughest division in all of sports, and contains such heavyweight teams as the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox.

All I can say is wow.

Oh wait, and also it was obvious from the start because as I have mentioned previously, this year they changed their team name to be just the ‘Rays’. Any team with such a strong and impressive name has no choice but to crush everyone in front of them.

I heard that they are looking for someone to throw out their first pitch for the playoffs. I will now officially offer my services in the matter. We Rays need to stick together!

Go get ‘em Tampa!!!

-Ray

Flip Flop

Friday, September 26th, 2008

I do not understand what all this crap is about the concept of Flip-Flops.

We saw it first with John Kerry in 2004, and now the machine is trying to pin the same label on Obama. All I can ask is, how is flip-flopping a bad thing?

I mean, some time ago, everyone believed that the world was flat. Later on, evidence came out that proved that the world was round. Does that mean that those who used this new information to come up with the correct assessment are flip floppers? I mean, does that mean that the Republicans would sooner stand behind a person who says, ‘Yeah, I heard the evidence supporting the round Earth theory, but I’ve already decided that the Earth is flat, and I’m no queer flip flopper, so it’s still flat to me’.

I just do not get how changing your mind has been successfully showcased as a trait of the weak. If I do not like the music of Beck, and later on I hear a Beck album that I enjoy so much that it makes me a fan, does that make me a flip flopper? And if so, why is that bad?

Oi, I need to take more shots to the head so I can be dumber, cause this whole seeing through the bullshit thing is giving me a migrane.

-Ray

Biker Mice From Mars

Thursday, September 25th, 2008

So, I was all prepared to do another religious themed program for this episode of Kids Show Round Up. I took care of Bibleman, but still have another 2 in my DVR (Faithville and God rocks). Man oh man, watching a kids show called ‘God Rocks’ does have it’s calling, let me tell you.

But then I discovered another show over the weekend, which raised a bunch of questions to me.

What kids show debuts new episodes on Sunday night at 3:30 AM stuck between infomercials and, well, MORE INFOMERCIALS???

Ok, to be honest that was the only question it asked. But seriously, while going through my ‘Guide’ feature on my digital cable, I found this curious show stuck on the latest part of a Sunday night between some infomercials for penis extension and some more infomercials for making your fortune through real estate. And this was for a brand new episode!

My curiosity was at an apex. The fact that the name of this show is ‘Biker Mice From Mars’ just pushed it over the top, I have to do this show next, I NEED to do this show next.

So I am doing this show next.

Biker Mice From Mars; Originally aired on 9/21 at 3:30 AM on Channel 11 KTTV (FOX)
New, “Bringing Up Vinnie”, (2008), Vinnie is accidentally turned into a baby mouse by the evil Dr. Catorkian, and the Mice must deal with his diapers as they battle the Catatonians and Ronald Rump. (Animated)

Holy crap, I think I may have found the greatest show in the history of TV.

The fact that they have a villain character based on the Michigan Suicide Doctor Jack Kevorkian notwithstanding. The fact that they battle a Donald Trump character named Ronald Rump notwithstanding. The fact that they have to CHANGE DIAPERS in the middle of a battle notwithstanding. The fact that they are mice who fight cats, while being from Mars and riding bikes notwithstanding. This show was stuck in between 2 infomercials at 3:30 AM on a Sunday night! I cannot push that callback button enough.

THIS IS GOING TO BE FRIGGING AWESOME!!!

Let get started;

And we begin! Some human finds wrinkles in his face while is a high rise office. He is hanging with Katie Couric and Dick Cheney apparently. I should probably assume that this guy is evil. He goes to his video wall and talks to DR. CATORKIAN without blinking an eye at the fact that he is talking to a cat in a labcoat, who is almost ready. But for what?

Dr. Catorkian claims that he has found the fountain of Youth, and it’s time for the experiment! We find a classic homeless woman (but still a cat) character sitting in a dentist’s chair. The good doctor takes what can only be described as a tube of cake frosting and shoots the whole thing on her face. No seriously. And then wraps her face in bandages before shooting some laser at her. It should also be noted that apparently Dr. Catorkian is like 20 feet tall.

The human plugs his ears from the noise, wouldn’t it just be easier to turn down the volume on his video wall?

Anyways, Catorkian takes off the bandages, sees what he made, and then puts the bandages back on while grinning sheepishly. I have a feeling that this whole thing did not work. He says as much, and the human (yet unnamed) complains that without this secret formula he is nothing but a wrinkled up billionaire. Wait, what’s the problem again? I think that this whole episode might have gone another way if he only knew of something called plastic surgery. No worries though, this is a new science, and easy to miss, especially here in Los Angeles.

Catorkian requests more test subjects, or as he would go on to call them, ‘Lab Rats, Lab Mice, whatever you’d call them’. And I see how our heroes might get involved, cause I’m smart!

But wouldn’t finding regular mice who were not on bikes or from Mars be much more simple than the alternative? Or is this some alternate Earth where said mice do not exist? Hmm, maybe all will be explained in this OPENING SEQUENCE!!!

Biker Mice From Mars…BWANG BWANG 80′s RIFF BWANG…Biker Mice From Mars!!!

So these mice have both cybernetic weapons built in as well as super powers, and they fight jets, and robots, and probably the establishment.

This show was created by Rick Ungar, who probably has a prescription for it.

And we meet our heroes in the location where all heroes should be met; In a cornfield.

They are on their way to meet up with some friend or something. One of the mice asks the question out loud of why their friend would be hanging out in a cornfield, and makes sure to start his sentence with the word ‘Dude’ so we can be quite sure that he is totally awesome.

Despite Mecha-Mouse (I assume that is his name, I mean I made it up for him) using his robot arm to lock in to their friend’s signal, the other mice, (Who I will now name Leader and Nubby, cause I can) feel that nothing is there but corn…Til they roll by a giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robot with death lasers. Check that, that would be 4 giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robot(s) Plural.

The Biker Mice From Mars promptly turn around and drive away from the giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots, who do not give chase. But what kind of role-models would they be if they just did that? So Leader turns around to face them head on! using a small laser from the front of his bike, Leader hits 2 of the robots with one shot apiece, blowing them up 5 seconds after he hits them. Thankfully, in true GI:Joe fashion that gives the cats inside time to parachute out before the mild explosion.

But wait, that leave 2 more robots to chase the other 2 biker Mice From Mars! What will happen? I mean, despite the fact that one of the mice just took out 2 of them without thinking about it or breaking a sweat, what will 2 mice do against 2 of them? Hmm, my guess is that they will take them out easily without breaking a sweat, but let’s find out together!!!

They take out the 2 robots without breaking a sweat, who saw it coming???

Mecha-Mouse, after dispatching the 2 robots, then looks at the camera and says that his mother told him to eat his veggies so that he will grow up big and strong, no seriously, he says that. I wonder what she told him about grafting inorganic metal appendages to his own body? I guess she said ‘Go for it’ cause he did.

OH NO! Out of nowhere a 5th giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robot pops out! Our heroes dispatched with the first 4 with little to problem individually, what will they do when confronted as a group by just one of them?

The answer: Absolutely nothing as a ‘Mouse Trap: The Game’ style giant glowing bell cage is slowly lowered on top of them while they sit there and look at it. Huh?

The mice are now tied together in a cage held over a boiling vat of oil or something. With a true look into the hygene of the Biker Mice From Mars, Leader asks why he is about to take a bath when it’s not even Saturday.

Enter Dr. Catorkian! Who graciously welcomes the Biker Mice From Mars, and introduces himself. One of the Mice responds with the tried and true; ‘What’s up Doc’. Causing the Doctor to pause before qupping back, ‘Ah, you made a funny, like a Bugs Rabbit no?’. No Dr. Catorkian, they did not, but thanks for playing. One of the Biker Mice questions what planet the Doctor is from to not get their hip and current reference. Well geez Mice, not everyone has what planet they are from in the title of the show! Dang!

The mice, it would seem, have been chosen for an experiment which, if successful, will result in nobody ever having to age again. Not a bad deal if you ask me, in the name of science I hope that they succeed! That human (Who at this point I have to assume is Ronald Rump) shows up to oversee, and the Mice mock him for having a big rear end. They then go on to make a Madonna reference, proving how current and into the recent scene they are. When was this made again? Oh yeah, FREAKING 2008!!! They go on to make Paris Hilton and J-Lo references when finally Nubbie realizes how gay they all sound and calls them out for it.

Cut to Outside; Where some hot chick in a van pulls up looking for the Mice. Her locater tells her that they are hidden away in a very, and I mean VERY phallic looking silo with a glowing side door.

Let conduct the experiment! The Mice are lowered, but stopped when they ask about the nature of the substance they are about to get dunked in, cause you know, it’s vitally important to any test subject that they fully understand what is going to happen to them.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL!!! Wait, someone actually paid to get commercial time on this show at this hour? Wow.

Oh man, the best part about this commercial break is that I don’t have to write anything or make sense of this nonsensical junk. I wish the rest of the show was all commercials.

Sadly it is not.

And we’re back!!! Back at the Junk Silo.

And Hot Chick blasts the van through the wall of the silo, despite the fact that in the beforeseen picture, the silo was clearly up on stilts of some kind, meaning that she would have had to jump the van (with no ramp) like 200 feet up in the air to make this happen. GO TEAM LOGIC!!111

She giggles about saving them, and shoots the cage open, and all heck breaks loose! While most of the villains are seen just standing there watching, the Biker Mice crush anyone they can while the cage swings around the room. And Nubbie falls from the cage and into the vat!!!

Despite facing almost certain painful death, he still has a lame quip prepared, cause you know, he’s rad.

And he gets out of the vat only to slide into the table holding the magic laser which flies in the air and starts shooting him over and over again while spinning. Sure, why not? If you read the plot guide, you already know what is about to happen.

The Biker Mice get in the van and roll backwards down a ramp that I swear to God was not there before. Well, at least they are covering their implausible bases.

I really do not want to watch this anymore. We are only 12 minutes in. Please kill me.

Somehow the baddies blow up their own silo, and the heroes drive away. Nubbie asks for some cheese to snack on, prompting everyone else to flip out, Don’t Mice eat cheese? Am I missing something here? Or are Biker Mice rejecting cheese XTREME?!!

The pull the van over about 2 feet later, still in the cornfield, and proceed to drink beer and eat what I can only guess is roast beef by itself. And plot point delivered; Nubbie has become a baby. Strangely his cybernetic implants have also shrunk to accommodate his new size. That was nice of them to do.

Hot chick shows her motherly nature by complaining loudly that she does not want to take care of him. I can only guess that the other Biker Mice also do not share paternal leanings. Mecha-Mouse suggests to Hot Chick that she gives him milk to calm him down. HECK YEAH! Sadly she passes, and they give him a bottle of Root Beer instead. They are good parents. Belching ensues, because belching is XTREME!!!

Cut back to Ronald Rump, where it is revealed that they can track the newly made baby using some science gizmo. Word.

Hot Chick tries to sing to Baby Nubbie, and he in turn, starts speaking and hits on her. He drinks more root beer, belches, and the Biker Mice take off while Baby Nubbie craps himself, thus leaving Hot Chick to change the diaper. That was nice of them. And Nubbie escapes only to be attacked by more giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots!!! Proving their antagonist incompetence the robots shoot lasers at Nubbie only to miss him every time, despite the fact that, you know, HE IS A BABY JUST CRAWLING AROUND ON THE GROUND.

Cut to my sweet, sweet oasis, errr, I mean commercial!

we return to find that the villains have lost Baby Nubbie in the cornfield. Man, if only they had a gizmo which could be used to locate him. Hmmmmm.

And Nubbie stumbles across a random abandoned carnival, never mentioned or pictured til just now.

Hijinx ensue as Nubbie turns on the power to the carnival, and the baddies try to bring him in, but fail, maybe if they just got out of their giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots and just went after him it might be easier?

ACTION SCENE! And the Biker Mice fight, well, you know what it is they are fighting, I’ve typed it like 900 times. These robots are the easiest thing to destroy in the known universe. Bubblewrap puts up a better fight.

So now we get a few Batman inspired flying vehicles to sell more toys…errrr to bring on the fight! And they get dispatched by grappling hooks, wow, those things are lamer than the aforementioned giant Half-Life 2 style Multi-legged robots!

Some evil cat gets into the house of mirrors with little Nubbie. After trying to get him, evil cat loses him. At which point from behind Nubbie rides a vaudeville style big front wheel bike over the evil cat from out of nowhere. And again. And again.

At this point the Biker Mice take control of the situation, leaving a tent full of cats tied to the ferris wheel to die a horrible, horrible death.

This does not solve the crisis of the age problem though, and we are running out of time for this episode! Oh wait, Nubbie turns back into a full sized mouse for no reason by doing nothing. Huh. Then he goes right back into hitting on Hot Chick. That was climactic.

The End.

I check the closing credits to see if I recognize any names of friends. I look to see who I might have to punch in the face later. Thankfully I find none that I know.

Bottom Line: The show sucks. This show sucks harder than the vacuum of space. It tries so hard to be XTREME but is just lame, like basically all other shows that try to do the same. Basically to be XTREME in a kids show seems to mean that you need to have belching, soda, old references, old slang, and loud noises. If your kid actually likes this show then look out; Insubordination, mullets, and the music of Billy Joel are probably soon to follow.

-Ray

Jake the Snake Roberts

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

http://www.tmz.com/2008/09/15/jake-the-snake-implodes/

Wow, want to talk about a guy who had so much going for him, but then made the choice to lose it all? After seeing ‘Beyond The Mat’ it was very hard for me to feel sorry for him. Here’s a guy that has seemed to accept his drug problem internally, and so therefore does not see a need to fix it.

I like how his only response to getting publicly verbally berated (correctly) by the wrestler that faced him was to pull down his own pants and expose his penis to the crowd. I hope that when I get back in the ring soon that I will have a similar moment, heh.

Then to read that he ran crying out into the street afterwards just strikes me as sad. But again, it’s hard to feel bad for a guy that has been making the same dumb decisions and mistakes for over 2 decades.

The video that went with the story was fairly compelling though, to watch a man just have nothing and try to keep going, while everyone watches with confusion and growing anger.

Jake the Snake is a walking cautionary tale, and stories like his continually confirm my good decision to live this life recreational drug free.

-Ray

Swimkata

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

Hey look, it’s a new web series that I am in!

Comments on Smackdown

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

So, I’m trying to watch my DVR recording of WWE Smackdown tonight, when my viewing felt very short.

Maybe because there was very little to actually watch on the show.

I fast forwarded until 34 minutes into the show to finally find something worth watching. I mean, I could watch a 30 minute HHH promo where he puts himself over instead of the people he’s supposed to elevating, but why bother? He’s been doing the same promo for like a decade now, if you can’t paint it by the numbers, I question how long you have been watching WWE. I thought I saw Jeff Hardy in there somewhere, let me guess, HHH was snarky to him. I did not watch it, I just assume that happened, and somewhere in there Jeff tried to talk but failed.

Let me also say that I watch the matches, I could give a crap less about the same old promos that they shove down our throats each and every week. So every time I see someone in the ring with a mic, I usually just FF them unless their name is Chris Jericho.

Anyways, i skipped the same boring HHH promo and for my own sanity I skipped over the womens match because they are also universally unwatchable. I swear to God nothing exposes the business like a WWE women’s match, especially one that involves anyone not named Beth Phoenix or Mickey James. In this case it is the team of Maryse, Victoria, and Natalya vs. the team of Auto Zone, McDonalds, and Pirates of the Caribbean Online! Oh wait, it’s the team of Michelle McCool, Maria, and Brie Bella. In other words FAST FUCKING FORWARD!!!

For the record, I did not think anyone could be more horrible than Maria in the ring. . . then I saw a Brie Bella match. Dear God, if they care so little about the business why don’t we just show the workers talking about the matches ahead of time on TV as well? that would expose the busniess less than Brie Bella in the ring.

Now here we are, 34 minutes in, and the most watchable thing so far is a match between Chavo Guerrero and R (Don’t call me K-Kwik even though I suck like him) Truth. And that match while entertaining goes to a lame DQ. Now Bam Neely turns on Chavo! Now I hit the FF button!

Hey look it’s HHH making snarky comments towards Shelton Benjamin! God willing he puts him over as real competition, I mean, who’d want to see HHH in a match that contains fan interest? Obviously not HHH.

FF.

Now we are 45 minutes into the show, and Jesse and Festus show up to be actually entertaining. Let’s see Kenny Dykstra cut a promo! Yay! Remind me again why they give a mic to jobbers again? And we get a squash match that ends with no decision, cause who wants that? Jesse and Festus duct tape Dykstra to a movers dolly and they cart him off. Umm, Ok, people get paid to write this correct? I guess monkeys need work too.

Wow, now we get a whole segment devoted to flashbacks of a PPV that I was not interested enough to buy. Yay!

FF.

Wow, I hear there will be a fatal 4 way match to determine who will face HHH at the next PPV! Hmm, 3 midcard heels and Jeff Hardy, wonder what will happen?!

Here we are at 1:09 into the show and we finally get something actually watchable. Vladamir Kozlov is awesome. He is an old school style wrestler who crushes people and does not need 20 minute promos to get over. The rest of the roster should take notes. Sadly I am guessing this is the highpoint of the show, and when the highpoint is a squash, you gots you some problems.

Hey look, it’s HHH acting snarky to The Brian Kendrick! God willing he put him over as legitimate competition, or anyone for that matter. Ah well he owns the company in a few years, let him do what he wants.

Wait, the tag team champs are seriously Edge’s jobber friends? Wow, that makes me sad. And they are facing Carlito and his less interesting, less talented brother? Well, I got 2 letters for this match; FF.

Hey look, it’s HHH acting snarky towards MVP! God willing he make any up and coming performer look like legitimate competiton. Hey wait, have I made similar comments before? Wow, major Deja Vu!

Now we have a fatal 4 way match that I am guessing will take about 10 minutes more to get started! And we go to commercial before it does.

And now the match starts! And now we go quickly to ANOTHER commercial. Awesome, just once I’d like to see them go to commercial in the middle of one of the many boring HHH ‘I’m so much better than you’ promos so that the matches could get full time, that would be the day.

And we’re back! And it’s a midcard heels beat up Jeff Hardy match! If only the 3 heels involved were not so much more talented than Jeff Hardy. I mean, they might have more talent and future, but at least they don’t cause as many problems outside the ring as Jeff Hardy! Hey wait, why are they pushing Jeff Hardy instead of any of these 3 again?

MVP vs. Shelton is highly watchable and interesting, sad that nobody in the crowd seems to care.

I like how when Jeff Hardy goes for one of these lame high risk moves that are pretty much all he does, JR has to inform us that the move connected EVERY TIME. You know, cause our own eyes that saw it clearly miss are obviously not working.

Oh, what are the odds? Jeff Hardy won! Congrats Jeff, I hope you have a good time putting HHH over on the next PPV, that is if you can stay off the meth long enough to not get suspended first.

And now Vladamir Kozlov comes in to make me happy and just BRUTALIZES Jeff Hardy!!!

Well, that was a just God awful show with a happy ending.

Why do they call Smackdown the B-Show again? Oh yeah, this is why.

-Ray