Archive for December, 2008

2008

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

Time has come for all the shit eating bloggers to write about this past year and how badly they fucked it all up, while pretending like they’ve learned so much from it that those mistakes will not be repeated in 2009.

This, my friends, is hilarious.

Unlike many other people I know, I decided that I was going to make 2008 a great year, and did not disappoint myself!

When the year started, I was out of shape, depressed, living in BFE, not acting enough, and single.

Things needed to change;
In March I went back to wrestling school, a decision that I am so happy I made.
I also changed up my diet and exercise patterns from the ground up, and have lost crazy amounts of weight. Also due to this and the above I am gaining definition in my body and for the first time in a truly long time I am really happy about how I look.
I moved from San Pedro to East Hollywood. Immediately I felt my energy and output increase. Now being around all this goodness all the time, I am able to take on opportunities that I had to let pass before.
I took over the reins of a sketch comedy show called ‘Pop Co’. This was a terrible show on the brink of being taken to the back and shot through the head with 4 broken legs. So being the Alpha Dog that I am, I seized the power for myself and tried to make it into something good. Damn if so far that has not happened, and now I got all the acting/writing/directing I ever wanted all in one place! And this show is just at the ground floor of what it could eventually be, and all the cogs are in place. This thing is going to blow up really soon!
I made a bunch of internet shorts also that I am pretty happy about, many of which have been shown on this very site.
I made it an entire year without either of my cats having a life threatening issue for the first time in God knows how long.
I cut many of the negative people from my life that were keeping me mediocre. I strive to keep replacing them with awesome people who make me better for knowing them.
I made friends with a bunch of people that I value, and wanted to make friends with for a while.
I’m still single, but hell that’s not all on me. Eventually one of the lovely ladies that I am interested in out here has to have a realization that this loud and abrasive guy is the most honest, kind, and genuine person that they are likely to meet out here, and that they would be better off for giving him a chance.

So to wrap it up, 2008 was a pretty terrific year.

What is truly tremendous is that the early part of 2009 has the potential to punch the balls off of 2008, and this prospect gives me enough warmth and joy to carry through having to work when the new year rolls past tonight.

Have a fun rest of 2008 everyone, but please pair it with a safe start to 2009!

Love,

-Ray

Detroit Lions 2008: Wow, That Sucked

Monday, December 29th, 2008

I’ve been getting a buttload of calls, texts, e-mails, Facebook messages, and general comments about my favorite team in the universe: Your Detroit Lions.

In the case of one E-mail, it was just simply the following picture;

I have for the most part remained silent, which is odd for me, but truly what can you say about this? It’s as socially awkward as taking maternal credit for your daughter’s retarded baby and then running for VP.

Where to begin? Well I will first say Thank God it’s at least over. I do not think I could handle another week of taking time out of my Sunday to care about this team.

This season was the culmination of the incompetence of one Matt Millen. Matt Millen is the biggest disgrace in the history of football. I wish I could go back in time and convince his parents to adopt instead. For reals if I ever share a room with Matt Millen, I am going to punch him in the face. No hyperbole, no bravado, if it happens, I will do it. When stupidity is mixed with arrogance and allowed to simmer for 8 years, what you get is a smoking pot of mule diarrhea. The 2008 Detroit Lions are that smoking pot of mule diarrhea. Under Millen, the Lions ranked 31st out of 32 teams in overall defense. But don’t worry, they also ranked 31st out of 32 teams in overall offense too! I am very glad that Matt Millen was fired finally, but it was at least 3 years too late. His combination of terrible head coach choices, terrible player personnel choices, and horrendous draft choices led us to this point.

Let’s talk about these head coaches for a second. It started with Marty ‘Take the Wind’ Mornhinweg. The year before Millen came into town, the Lions went 9-7 and barely missed the playoffs. The first year of the Millen regime they went 2-14. As he decided to uproot the entire team (which was previously winning might I add again) and install a West Coast offense that it was not built to run. More on this later though. Following a 3-13 second year, ol’ Marty got the axe and in came local boy Steve Mariucci.
I will admit, I was overjoyed when he was announced as head coach. And then I saw what Steve Mariucci was and what he was not up close. He was not a good football coach. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Mariucci continued to cram players that did not fit into a system he designed for them. Mariucci made starting QB Joey Harrington into a local pariah, and added the word ‘Drawson’ into my vocabulary. (For those not in the know the Drawson was the draw play to Shawn Bryson that he called on every 3rd down play we ever had where we needed 7 or more yards) Later in his tenure, Mariucci got the oft injured Jeff Garcia, who blew donkey balls, but was continually praised as ‘a great QB’ despite what we were watching. This eventually led to Rod Marinelli.
Rod Marinelli is a good man, and a good coach. Just not a good Head Coach. This was clearly another case of a man being promoted beyond his ability, as Marinelli had never even been a coordinator before, much less a head coach. At least under coach Rod, the team never quit. They also never won, which is why he got the axe today.

So Millen went 3 for 3 on bad coaches. But at least he made up for that by making bad personnel choices and draft picks! So let me see here, you are rebuilding a franchise and want to run a high percentage West Coast style passing game, so you do you draft first to run this machine? Why Joey Harrington, a QB with a big arm that had a 52% completion percentage in college of course! right away people should have known this was not going to end well. But he needed weapons! So Millen drafted 4 Wide Receivers in a 5 year span. It should be noted that 3 of those 4 WR’s are no longer with the team, and 2 of them are not even in the NFL anymore, SCORE! And not just that, a draft ago, when everyone was screaming that we needed defense, Millen passed on Linebackers Paul Pozlusney and David Harris to draft QB Drew Stanton from Michigan State! He drafted Stanton because ‘He would be a good fit in a Mike Martz offense down the line’. At the time Martz was the offensive coordinator of the team, and was not expected to stick around beyond the next season. So Millen drafted a player for a coach that he was pretty sure would not be around by the time the player would be ready to play. This scenario encapsulates the thinking of Matt Millen.

But all that aside, it’s just backstory for the sporting abortion that was this past season.

Going into this year, the Lions felt that they had just had a season to build off of. They had just gone 7-9 the year prior, and seemed poised to make a move. So naturally the obvious thing to do would be dismatle the team of course! They traded away their most important defensive player, Shawn Rogers to Cleveland for a 2nd string cornerback and a bag of donuts. They also let Defensive lineman Kalimba Edwards get away as well. Net result; They could not stop the run, and hemmoraged yards all season long. They also totally failed to address their holes at the linebacker and defensive back positions. Net Result; They gave up huge passing plays because their backs couldn’t cover anyone. They also released Running Back Kevin Jones in order to start Tatum Bell, who was a healthy scratch almost the entire prior season. For those who may not know ‘Healthy Scratch’ is football jargon for ‘This guy sucks so bad that we don’t even want him in uniform for our team’. Starting Quarterback Jon Kitna, aka the soul of the team, was put on Injured Reserve early on in the season with what could only be seen as a minor injury. they replaced him with Daunte Culpepper, who literally walked in off the street after every other NFL refused to even consider looking at him. When Culpepper’s ‘Not in football shape’ body got inevitably injured they went with QB Dan Orlovsky the rest of the way, despite the fact that Orlovsky is probably not even good enough to be the BACKUP QB on any other NFL team. Oh yeah, and they traded their best offensive player, WR Roy Williams away to Dallas, thus guaranteeing that they only had one viable target in the passing game. With Williams and Kitna gone, and no defense with which to speak, their one chance of winning a game (via shootout) went totally out the window.

This is not even to mention the schedule! Which was one of the most brutal I have ever seen in my life! They did not play a single team rated in the bottom quarter of the league, and played 12 of their 16 games against teams that had an 8-8 or better record! Why does the NFL schedulemaker hate the Detroit Lions?

So 0-16 is what happens when you have the following; A rough schedule, incompetent management, a bad head coach, no talent on either side of the ball, and a front office’s desire to get rid of every good player on the roster.

I don’t think that it is a far fetched statement to say that I would have been a better GM for the team.

So, going forward, what can you possibly do? CLEAN F’ING HOUSE. Matt Millen is gone. Rod Marinelli is gone. Many of these players will be gone. We got a bunch of high draft picks in the 2009 draft. They need to draft playmakers on defense and the offensive line. Some skill position pieces are already in place, I think they would be best served to avoid drafting a QB, and instead look to sign Matt Cassell away from New England. Drafting a QB with the first pick makes so much less sense than a good Left Tackle or Defensive End. Note to the team; GO THE MARIO WILLIAMS/JAKE LONG ROUTE!

Cleaning house will only help though if good decisions are made to replace the holes. I just read today that the new GM of the team is the guy that was Matt Millen’s right hand man. There are so many good football minds out there with proven track records, and the Ford family worked quickly to remove the interim tag from the name of MATT MILLEN’S SECOND IN COMMAND AS THE NEW GM OF THE TEAM.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

Fuck, it sucks to care.

-Ray

Dustin Who?

Monday, December 29th, 2008

So, I am a little busy with my crap out here, and do not always keep up on all the sports I need to.

That being said it was brought to my mind yesterday that Dustin Pedroia won the AL MVP this past year, and I thought that sounded like crap. So I looked up the numbers today;

All I can say is that while I might have thought Pedroia was a bad choice for MVP, now I am outraged by it.

83 RBI???
17 Home Runs?
.376 OBP?

Come on now! Yes he scored 117 runs and hit .326 with 20 stolen bases, but Whoop Dee Doo! Those are not MVP numbers.

Meanwhile A-rod got the bone…

104 runs
103 RBI
35 Home Runs
Hit over .300 with a .392 OBP
Had nearly a full point difference over Pedroia in Slugging pct.
And let’s just add 18 stolen bases to the picture for fun.

A-Rod is also a very good defensive 3B, so I cannot feel that this ‘Pedroia played good defense at 2B’ argument holds much water.

As far as the best of the rest goes…

I cannot justify giving MVP to a pitcher, unless it was one of those amazingly special seasons. Only one pitcher had that kind of special season, and that was K-Rod. However giving an MVP to a reliever is kind of a joke in itself, so pass.

I cannot justify Joe Mauer as MVP due to his failure to achieve either 100 runs or RBI, and also the fact that he only hit 9 Home Runs.

Justin Morneau has about the same resume as Pedroia, just replace the runs with RBI and you got about the same player. So pass there as well.

We are left with A-Rod as the head and shoulders MVP of the league getting screwed. No 2 ways around it. I understand anti-Yankee backlash, and mostly agree with it, but the preposterous selection of Dustin Pedroia as MVP takes it to an unreal level.

-Ray

Merry Xmas LA!

Friday, December 26th, 2008

Happy Family Slaughter!!!

Geez, sadly, this does not shock me at all. When I first moved here the people of LA were described as the following; ‘You know, you’ll have pleasant neighbors, always with a smile on their face, and then one day you’ll find out that one of them killed the rest. This is not weird for LA, just get used to it.’

Then we got the above story, wow. Dressed like Santa, shot an 8 year old girl in the face when she answered the door, randomly shot everyone else he saw, then whipped out a special homemade device that quickly shot jetfire and burned the house down. And even though he didn’t need to, he blew up his own car from a distance before shooting himself. This guy was a pro!

I personally assume that everyone I meet out here is a serial killer. Is that weird?

So, Merry Xmas LA, I knew you’d celebrate as only you know how!

-Ray

Christmas Bumping

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

Happy Seasonal Holiday to each and every one of you! (Except you in the red, ya jerk, you know who you are)

I will be celebrating today by going in to work. Yes, I’ll be slinging macaroni on the day of our Lord. Huzzah!

I began celebrating the Xmas season early by being involved in a car accident. Everything is fine, and no damage was done. But I was coming home from a Karaoke bar on Tuesday night (Thankfully I didn’t drink somehow, for reals) when I was stopped at a red light by where I work. Somehow the woman in the car in front of me was not aware of my presence, and she totally put her car in reverse and backed up into my front bumper while I honked wildly and tried to get out of the way. Unreal.

Anyways, like I said, no damage done, just got me freaked the heck way out. And what is really odd is that this is the second time this has happened in the past month! After going over 15 years of it NEVER happening. What is wrong with you people? I mean, I know I look good and all, but this is no way for you ladies to meet me in person!

Anyways, I gotta get out the door and catch the subway, since I don’t trust any of you out there anymore. Hope the Kwanzaa Claus brought y’all a pegacorn or at least a pony!

-Ray

Another Proud Day For This Site

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

Oh yes, what a Monday! Great things are happening on all sides, and I do not want to mention them specifically for fear that they will all show themselves to be mirages.

But just when I thought today couldn’t get any better I went and checked out the stats for this website. There is a feature on the stats page that allows me to see what keywords people have typed into search engines to find this website. Yesterday someone found this site looking for…’diarrhea similes

Yes, some guy was sitting at home thinking to himself, ‘Hmm, I wonder if I can find a website that might fill my informational need for diarrhea similes? Hey, what is this AlmightyRay.com site? This might do the trick, Ima click here!’

So thanks to whomever was out there yesterday looking for diarrhea similes, you have made my life complete.

-Ray

Addendum: I just went to Google and did a search for diarrhea similes. This site came up 6th, right after actual dictionaries and English tools. The page linked to was my torching of the animated atrocity Superjail. So, um, there ya go.

Admitted Phobia

Sunday, December 21st, 2008

So, a few days ago I was confronted with one of my many strange phobias/OCD moments and I thought I would mention it.

I have a strange fear that I am going to drop my keys in the mailbox when I go to mail out a letter.

Here is an artist’s depiction of the mailbox near my apartment, thirsting hungrily for my keys;

Hey Ray, your keys taste GOOD!!!

Is this weird? I mean, I visualize myself doing it every time I go to use a big blue mailbox. And this compulsion makes even less sense when you consider that I still worry about it even if my keys are in my pants pocket!

I mean sure, if they are in my hand and my hand is going near the slot, it would warrant mild concern. But it’s something that just pops in there every single time! And then I start running through the scenarios of what I would do when I invariably drop the keys in the mail slot. I would try calling the post office, maybe wait around til the collection time, I don’t know.

I suppose in lieu of actual things to be concerned with I need to make some up. But like, wouldn’t it suck to drop your keys in the mailbox?

I say yes, and you agree.

Maybe I just need more real stress in my life to help push this particular one out?

-Ray

Reason number 432…

Sunday, December 21st, 2008

…As to why I am such an uncaring jerkfacehead.

So, before coming to your friend’s aid to pull them out of a car you should always stop and think to yourself, ‘Is this worth a lawsuit?’

I say no.

I like the fact that the courts have decided that a person is ‘not obligated to come to the aid of another’. So next time I see someone on fire while I hold a bucket of sand in one hand and a bucket of water in the other, I can legally say, ‘Sorry bro, I’m not obligated under the law to help you. Now I got sandcastles to make beeyotch!’

Actually, in truth this lawsuit scares the living heck out of me. A couple doors down from me in my apartment building lives a very old couple. A month or so ago as I was coming home from work the woman poked her head out and asked if I could help her. It seems as if her husband had fallen off the couch and needed help to get back on it again. so I put down my backpack and takeout bag and immediately went inside and picked him up and put him down on the couch without thinking twice about it. To know now that this simple action could have resulted in a lawsuit makes me ill.

So from now on, F y’all, you jerks are on your own.

-Ray

Progressively HOT!

Thursday, December 18th, 2008

OK, so I know that I’m into weird chicks. This is a fact. The more quirky she is, the more interested I am likely to be. And just like Johnny Drama from Entourage I also do not go for the ‘Classic Beauty’ types as well, those folks bore me. Give me someone interesting and neurotic any day of the week!

That being said how hot is this chick from the Progressive commercials? You know, Flo? She works the register at some auto insurance shop in heaven or something? I’ve seen these commercials like 3.2 million times and she has only gotten better looking with each viewing.

I can’t be the only one who thinks this way. Just posting in a quick web search right now for ‘progressive commercial flo’ there were a ton of pages found. I know know her real name, and feel somewhat stalker-y for having done so. Darn you internet!!!

But seriously, Flo is super quirky and hot! Is there a club out here in LA where all the misfit sexy chicks hang out? And if so can someone get me a pass? And if so can I meet one that isn’t just truly awful as a person for a change?

I know, I know, dreamland.

-Ray

A lack of updates

Saturday, December 13th, 2008

Hey gang, just wanted to stop and say hi.

Things here have been crazy busy this holiday season, thusly the lack of updates.

Currently I am working about 6 days a week, putting together a sketch comedy show called Pop Co (This Sunday at 11pm!) performing in the Big News Show (This Sunday at 9!) and on top of it all I had a really good reading for a potential TV project which would happen in January if it happens at all for me. Let’s not get too excited…this is Hollywood after all.

All this and I still found over 100 hours to waste away life playing online games, whew!

Anyways, I have had many thoughts on many different things, but have been too busy (Read: Lazy) to post them. My show responsibilities end this Sunday night, so I promise to post more in the coming weeks.

Also, I promise a new Kids Show Round Up next week as well. I just made a new batch of recordings last week that I am eager to start on. Here’s the list of new shows if any of you want to make a suggestion;
The Doodlebops
Dora the Explorer
Johnny and the Sprites
Martha Speaks

Also know that they have started putting the recordings of Big News Show online at www.bignewsreport.com so go there and you can see doing some of the comedy!

OK kids, that’s about it for now, have a non-sick weekend!

-Ray