Archive for January, 2009

64 Calories?

Thursday, January 29th, 2009

I keep seeing these commercials for MGD 64.

In them, one person first asks for an MGD 64, and a second asks for 64 calories worth of their favorite beverage, and get disappointed by the small portion size.

I guess this leads me to my main question? And that question is simply, ‘What the hell?’

First off, who asks for their bar drink by the calorie total? To be fair, if you knew and fully understood the content of most of the crap you shove into your body, you probably would just stop eating and drinking everything altogether.
Secondly, what if (And this fact i cannot confirm but can imagine) MGD tastes liked watered down piss? What is the benefit of drinking watery piss water at a bar when you could be drinking something you actually enjoy? And if you are truly worried by the health effects of drinking, then don’t flipping drink in the first place!!!
Thirdly, Should I be that person who stupidly orders 64 calories of something, and is given a portion size not to my liking, I would not just stand there looking sad and dumb. I would instead look at the bartender and say, excuse me, clearly I’ve made a huge mistake, could I please have the rest of my beverage? Just sayin’
And finally, Bacardi and Diet & Jack and Diet. Both of these cocktails are about 64 calories a drink. So don’t be stupid with your drinking, be refined, and drink more bourbon.

-Ray

Oh My Mother

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

So here is an e-mail conversation that I had with my Mother today.

If you know not of my Mother, it’s OK, only a few do;

Anything new going on?

Are you able to visit with us when we come in the last week of June to Los Angeles? I need to attend a three day conference on that weekend, but we could either come on the beginning of the week or the beginning of the next week to visit you. What’s good for YOU?

How are the cats?

Mom

Ok, so no problem so far. Pretty normal stuff. Hey she even asked about my kittys! Cool! That’s always how it starts. My response;

> i am sure that either will be fine, just let me know what you want to do.
>
> the cats are doing just fine! thanks!

So there you go, again, fairly straightforward. A couple more banal e-mails pass by and then I get a nice, short e-mail from her, the kind I was expecting all along. Kinda like when a friend calls you up that never just calls and then asks about how your day has been, and then after 30 seconds of that tells you some earth shaking piece of info. So here is the short e-mail I was waiting for the whole time;

No girlfriend?

That was it. No signature, no glitter, just a simple 2 word e-mail. I felt that this deserved a 2 word response;

> Ha! No.

To which I quickly got in response;

Why “Ha, no”?

It is at this point that I know I cannot win. Perhaps she thinks that I am her best chance at Grandkids, perhaps she still worries that I’m totally gay, perhaps she still thinks it would be best for me if I moved to Grand Rapids next door and married a girl with good birthing hips. When in doubt I just come back with the honesty as I see it;

> i laugh because I know that if you had your druthers, you would be calling me to ask that question 5 times a morning. :)

To get the ultimate statement of stone cold facts laid out in front of my face in return;

You are almost 32 years old!

Hey thanks Mom! You know I still am technically closer to 31 than I am to 32. And I know that in every corner of my family I should be working on my 3rd kid easily by now, but maybe, just maybe I don’t walk that path, just saying. I honestly did not respond to that last e-mail, because seriously, what is there to say? It’s just a roundabout argument that can have no winner, just one person’s desires put ahead of another.

I do not know, how do you go about explaining to your own Mother that you are honestly trying to make something great happen for yourself, and that you will never be happy unless you do everything in your power to achieve your dreams? And sometimes along the way that might preclude you from having a wife and kids, a home in the suburbs with a nice white picket fence, and a job at an ad agency selling gutters during Jerry Springer?

There may be no correct answer. I am fully convinced that she would rather see me with the wrong woman than no woman at all. And this is where the fundamental divide happens.

As the song says, ‘So it goes my friend, so it goes.’

-Ray

One Of The Nicest Personal Things I May Have Ever Read

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

Just…wow. It’s been a really long time, the hard feelings have way since dissipated, but this comment has made my year already;

ilovewalri Says:
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:13 am edit

Sorry – this has nothing to do with Kids Show Round Up, but I ran across your site when Googling something with “Almighty” and I had to say hello. I know it’s been…damn, 10 years or so – but I never got to apologize to you for being a stupid kid (typical 20-year-old girl, the bad parts of my craziness have worn off by now). I’m really happy to see you’re doing so well, and I hope you continue to make it big!
Oh yeah, this is Anita, if that rings any bells. I’m getting married this year to a childhood friend – the first engagement ended not long after graduation, but that probably doesn’t surprise you ;) Also, I’m getting my PhD in Analytical Chemistry sometime in ‘09…no lie, and I’m not even sure how that happened myself.

Note to girls old enough to be smart about relationships: This guy Ray is as awesome as he claims to be, and is very benevolent for an almighty kinda guy.

All other girls: …pity.

I wish you nothing but success and happiness.

Well Crap

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

I was all settled in to do another episode of Kids Show Round Up tonight.

But then I found out that my DVR deleted it. Stupid 92% full!!!!

Hmm, I’ma have to record some more.

-Ray

Irony

Friday, January 16th, 2009

I do not like it when commercials try to use irony to get me into their political cause.

I just saw a commercial for some environmental cause. It was trying to use irony to express the fact that there is no such thing as clean coal. So it had some guy pretending to show what clean coal is, meanwhile he was just showing off some shrubs, cause clean coal does not exist.

I get it.

But seriously, if you have some political point to make, let’s shy away from the ironic way to do it! Environmental damage is a big deal, let’s just own it and make salient points about those issues! Do we need to be hip and ironic to mobilize the young people? If this is true, then what the hell is wrong with these young people???

Kinda reminds me of these new anti-smoking campaigns. Let’s face facts, smoking is just awful, and if you do it, you are a lesser person as a result of it, and you know it. Why not just use blunt force trauma in these ads and tell people outright, ‘LOOK SHITBAG! THIS IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU AND MAKE THE LIVES OF YOUR LOVED ONES HORRIBLE!!! AND NOT ONLY THAT, YOU DON’T EVEN GET ANY JOY OUT OF SMOKING ANYMORE! THAT EUPHORIA LEFT YOU WHEN YOU WERE 15 YEARS OLD! SO CUT THAT SHIT OUT ALREADY YOU DUMBASS!!!

Sadly my line of anti-smoking commercials was rejected by the AD Council. Shame. I am convinced that it would work.

Anyways, these Thetruth.com ads seem to put irony over substance. They have people dancing in the streets making ironic points while cartoon characters join in the orgy of Broadway delight. Sure, it is a delight to all 5 senses, but I am not convinced that these commercials actually sway people to the intelligent way of thinking. They pretty much sing to the already indoctrinated choir, while marginalizing those that disagree on what must be emotion. So what is gained? What is the answer?

Blunt force trauma my friends.

I am so glad I have all the answers, what would the rest of you do without me?

So, let’s take the irony out of political ads. Just make your darn points, and get off my stage.

-Ray

Oddness

Friday, January 16th, 2009

Lately I have noticed that people have been buying me things on a regular basis. This ranges from drinks to dinner. And frankly it makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

Is this what being a multi-media celebrity is all about? I guess I could get used to it.

Or do I have that aura of one who is about to blow up and make it huge, and people are just trying to get on my good side before it happens? That would be kinda awesome I think.

Aw shit, this could be dangerous thinking in this town. I better keep up my current mantra and repeat it over and over again; ‘Nothing has happened, Nothing has happened, Nothing has happened.’

Ahh, that’s so much better.

-Ray

This is Rad

Thursday, January 15th, 2009

There is nothing not awesome about the following picture;

Ugly People

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009

Dude, there are ALOT of ugly people in the world.

I mean, I live in LA, the place where all the beautiful people in the world go to use each other, and even HERE there are loads of hideous folks.

I do not get it. Why do so many people fail to make themselves attractive? Why do so many people give up on life and let it all go? I walk down CityWalk out here and am visually blasted by one ugly person after another. I often think to myself, ‘Hey 250 pound black chick! Did you know when you left the house that you were wearing purple tights, short short cut off jhorts, and a wifebeater shirt that allows your belly folds to hang out over said jhorts? Cause that is not good.’ Or, ‘Hey, Short emo chick, why the hell would you get the word ‘Wonderful’ tattooed onto your chest above your misshapen boobs? And given that, why do you think that the world needs to see it at all times?’ Or even, ‘Hey 45 year old Japanese tourist guy, there is no law saying that your socks need to go up above your kneeline, and your choice to wear them with crocs was a poor one. The yellow shorts and hawaiian shirt seem like Red Carpet choices by comparison!’

Ok, I guess this has slightly devolved into making fun of what people wear at CityWalk. But know that these people are also ugly, so it still fits.

Here is the game that I suggest;
Next time you are walking around take a good look at all the people around you. Aren’t they fucking ugly? Is there a single person in your subway car that you find attractive? Don’t you just want to barf now?

what is truly sad is these ugly people will find other ugly people and make more ugly people. Meanwhile Brad and Angelina are adopting more kids. Ugh, there should be a law forcing them to have like 25 kids to help even out the universal gene pool.

I guess what I’m saying is that we beautiful people need to stick together, and stop messing around with all these ugly people. No, that’s not it. Ok, that’s part of it. I guess that when I moved here I expected the horrible looking people would disappear, but now I see more and more of them every day.

So to all you ugly people out there; Please please please stop it.

Thank You.

-Ray

Want to see me perform?

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

Just a little note here, but you can see all the recent episodes of the longest running topical sketch comedy show in LA, ‘Big News’ over at THE BIG NEWS REPORT.

All of the recent shows over the past few months are up there in full on video form, and wouldn’t you know it, I’m in some of them! So if you want to check it out, that is the place to go!

And for the record I am in the very wonderful and special episode number 300 with Emo Philips which is listed right up near the top of the page. That is a great one to watch both in quality, and amount of me in it. Coincidence??? Maybe.

-Ray

Breaking stuff

Thursday, January 1st, 2009

Ahh, so the new year is here, huzzah!

I just saw a commercial for the TV show, ‘Scrubs’. In it, one of the characters takes a guitar from another one and smashes it on the side of a building.

That would be awesome to do! I’ve never intentionally broken a musical instrument before. I would think that there is something very freeing and totalitarian about taking a device of focused creativity, in this case a guitar, and taking it from someone and destroying it in front of them. I mean, you are basically taking their freedom away from them and crushing it! Rad!

People seem to do this alot more in movies and TV than they do in real life however. I don’t think I have the nerve to do that to someone else. I look on it romantically, but it would probably just be awful. Kinda like how I imagine a book burning would be. Just a bunch of sad people getting sycophantic together under the premise of helping children or something.

I had a point to this post once, oh yes, that was it. I want to break a musical instrument this year at some point on purpose. It would probably have to be under a safe and controlled environment. Hmm, but wouldn’t that take away the danger and excitement of it then?

Dang it, I may just have to keep this one in the file of fantasy.

-Ray